fuckmessier97

Gabriel, 22, he/him they/them - messier 97 is a beautiful nebula, but fuck it ◇ (am/was) trying to be the best version possible of myself ◇ trigger warning everywhere

[shockpine]

[fuckmessier16]

I think it's crazy how i grow up here, 6 years ago, when i was 20, i tried to kill myself in my parents house

Now im 26, have a job, a husband, a house, almost 4 years sober and can still feel like killing myself, but what i do now is:

-go take a break at work to breath and see 5 things, hear 4....

-get some dessert

-clean the house

Just like when i was drinking, i wanna cry, but i dont wanna perceive me crying. There was a couple times i remember i got blackout drunk so i could cry lol. Now all i can do is.... Avoiding crying, i guess (but hey, i was dealing with my stuff a bit better, because i was going to therapy)

You know what? I wish i had a bigger reason to be alive than avoiding traumatizing people, because this idea makes me feel trapped in life.

[fuckmessier16]

I wish i had died when i tried to, so i wouldn't need to think thoughts and worry about traumatizing anyone else.

This damage would be in the past.

That's the "bad" part of evolving and getting better

Im too good to actually ponder kill myself

I will deal with life, there is no other way.

I will buy some delicious fruits on my lunch break to feel better.

[fuckmessier16]

I'm 26 years old, no longer depressed, but I'm sad right now.

And all I can do is feel my feelings, be sad.

I wish I wasn't thinking thoughts at all.

But this isn't possible.

I'm 3 years and 8 months sober, and doesn't even matter, alcohol never fulfill me like i wanted (maybe if i ever been in a coma or, at least, faint...)

Cutting my legs would just make me feel dumb and anxious, but I'm and adult now.

I'm writing this words and looking to cross the street, because I'm going to work. Because I have a job, it's not a possibility to rot in bed.

Tomorrow is satuday and I won't rot in bed either, simply cause I don't want this.

And sunday I'm gonna have lunch with my husband (yep) and his family, which include his uncle who raped him multiple times when he was a kid.

And I'm sad for him. I asked him why he wanted to go and he simply said: to be there.

Well, once he said he deals fine with that.

And yeah, I believe, but... If he's fine, why am Iiiiiiii not fine?

I think it's unfair.

Well, this week, for the first time, he was sad at night, and then started to humping me like wanting me to fuck him, okay, nothing new. But then he asked me to be rough, okay, it happens sometimes. But then he asked to be angry at him. He then asked me to focus on something that makes me real angry and take it out this angry on him.

He never asked this before and I just got quiet, I obviously didn't put my angry on him, but i didn't wanted to make this awkward and make him crying pointing how awful this is. So i continued being just a bit-normal rough.

Damn, I was sad for him and for me too, gosh, I hate that i used to masturbate to that, to hate fuck self harming while doing it.

Later that night and the next one he said "oh, you fucked me rough just like i asked for :)"

And i was feeling a bit guilty for that, so i sent him a message (we live in the same apartment, he was on the kitchen while i was on the bedroom) saying i didnt even pondered to use my angry and he didnt need to answer me. He then said out loud that he just wanted me to be more roughly, not real angry.

Yeah, i dont believe on him.

But i'm gonna get better, yesterday night i was like I NEED TO GET BETTER, so i cleaned the apartment.

I'm a full grown adult now, right?

[fuckmessier16]

It's so cool being an alcoholic, next month i'll be 3 years sober and right now i wanna drink hand sanitizer.

[catchymemes]

[fuckmessier16]

Yeah, im depressed and tored of being depressed

And im still sonee, more than a thousand days now

Ive been doing stuff like cleaning the house, making food, going to gym, but i dont have the strenght to do more, like to search for a job lol

[orchidboy]

THE CAVITY AND THE WOUND; THE OPENING AND THE EYE; THE CYCLE AND THE ANOMALY

[tap3tum-lucidum]

[peitalo]

sense(less) of self

[gg3cc3]

[fuckmessier16]

Are you still gonna love me when I become a stressed wife exhausted from college, work and houseworking?

[fuckmessier16]

Yesterday i read that kinds start to think in a similar way as adults when they 5-8 years old.

I passed through an accident when i was 5. 2 weeks after my birthday i put my hand where i shouldn't and lost 4 fingers there. I never blamed me, but i see myself as responsible for that, because i made the choice of putting my hand there.

And thinking about that, i was remembering that i used to feel like a failure human being, searching for "im 25 years old and never had a job", because i felt useless and old and tried to feel less bad about my situation.

And everyday now i think about the assaults i passed through. That i could blame other people, not only me. Well, i dont really believe on that. If i did stuff to trigger me on sexual context, it's because i wanted to, i choose that.

This is boring

I was listening to my mother in law talking about her abusive ex. Of course i see her in casual moments, but i compared me to how i project her.

I cry almost every time i masturbate. I get anxiety attacks when i try to have sex and i feel weak for that, i feel weak for feeling like that. I've been assaulted like 6 times and i feel weak for hacing anxiety attacks.

I have so much of empathy. A fucking guy showed me his dick on a dark empty street and i think "oh, maybe he is a voyeuristic and didnt want to make me cry".

My boyfriend who STEALTHED ME IS SLEEPING ABOVE ME RIGHT NOW.

I saw on instagram today that the BARE MINIMUM you should expect from something is, besides other stuff, is to have your sexual boundaries respect. I dont believe this is the bare minimum. All of the 3 guys i once dated assaulted me in some way.

Am i dumb? Am i dumb for planning to live with Frog (actual boyfriend)? I know i am. I know i am. I know.

[fuckmessier16]

I wish I could have sex with my boyfriend Frog without getting triggered and anxious.

Last time we had sex it was all romantic, he was like "can you feel it inside you?" And i cried, had an anxiety attack. Sad.

He says he worry, but doesnt mind if we stop for me to cry. But i dont trust it, also i hate that.

The past few days i've been thinking about kissing all his body and stuff, but im afraid i'll cry again.

Since february 17 we had sex 3 times, i cried twice

I really compare me to him, i never told him this because its awful, but he had been abused when he was younger and he is fine with sex (sometimes he dont get hard and gets frustrated about it, idk), the only mental illness (idk if its a mental illness or another word, whatever) adhd.

And i cry all the time

[fuckmessier16]

Sometimes i think that if i'd died when i tried to, i would have just prevented 2 cases of sexual abuse :)

[fuckmessier16]

I dont understand how is possible for a girl to never experience sexual assault. How a girl can never experience sexual assat with her partners.

All my boyfriends already assaulted me. Everyday i wonder if I should break up witj Frog. At thr same time i feel like all my future male partners would assault me too, so at least Frog knows that what he did was wrong.

Some days ago I was reading some comments on a video about sexual assault, they were on these lines: "my brother was sexual assaulted and now he is addicted to heroin", "i was raped and i tried to kill myself", like the abuse makes them sick of the head.

Okay that i think i have depression because i have 4 fingers amputated, but....... I cry during sex almost everytime try to have sex.

Im 645 days sober, im an alcoholic. Sex makes me anxious,before getting sober, i would only have sex blackout drunk. Now i cry.

Part of the anxious part is because i was extra destructive when i was all alone in my room in 2019. And now sex is a trigger.

Can i say "i was abused 6 times, that's why sex triggers me"?.

It's weird writing this.

Today i was talking about this to my friend, i told her about a situation and she used the word "molestation". It's weird having those things associated with me.

I want to talk about abuse a lot, but i dont wanna bother.

It's rare, but since my boyfriend stealthed me, i've been having suicidal thoughts. Can i blame him? Can i blame everyone who already assaulted me?

[polkadotmotmot]

Patrick Alston - Double Consciousness #03, 2023