Fuck No, Tony!

A bonafide loser and his journal, documenting everything about his life: socially phobic, hilariously fucked up, and nuttier than a Snickers bar, from the Dirty South to The Berkshires... And this is his cry for help.

[fucknotony]

When mom spilled the rice...

"OH YOU GOOD GOD DAMN MUTHAFUCKIN' COCKSUCKIN' STUPID ASS MUTHAFUCKIN' BITCH!!"-Mom

[fucknotony]

Tonker...

Mom: "Okay! Hurry up and get done LICKING yourself, kitty, because I gotta go TAKE A TONKER!"

Me: "A what?"

Mom: "LOOK: when you've taken as many pisses as I have, you start to give 'em NAMES."

Me: "..."

Cat: "..."

Mom: "...ALRIGHT, kitty, THAT'S ENOUGH! GET OFF ME!!"

[grumpygrandmaquotes]

Muthafuckaz callin’ ME at quarter till FIVE IN THA MORNING; I wanted them to KEEP DIALING while I go DOWN there, and STAB THEM IN THE FUCKIN’ NECK!!

Mom (via grumpygrandmaquotes)

[fucknotony]

Damn bat! Keep getting these fuckers up in our shit!

[fucknotony]

Hippie gets his SUV towed.

Police drives off.

Hippie: "THANKS..."

Police is far enough away.

Hippie: "...ASSHOOOLE! RUINED my FUCKIN' WEEKEND!!"

Neighbor: "Hey, what happened?"

Hippie: "My FUCKIN' INSURANCE! It FUCKIN' LAPSED, man. So I TRIED to RENEW it, but those ASSHOLES were gonna charge me a LOT of FUCKIN' MONEY, so I was like I could just go with these OTHER assholes-"

Hippie's Daughter: "Dad, why do you always swear like that when there's kids around?"

Hippie: "...WHERE is your FUCKING MOTHER?"

[fucknotony]

So homeboy wanna get high as fuck and cough and hack his lungs out while blasting his goddamn Irish-ass folk music loud as shit with his muthafuckin' window open in the middle of the night during a fuckin' pandemic while I'm trying to sleep, ain't this a full harem of bitches...

Now he's singing that shit, too...

[fucknotony]

Typical Conversation.

Mom: "I'm tryin' to brush my TEETH, and this cat is ON ME!!"

Me: "You gotta FUCK HER OFF!"

Mom: "I'm gonna FUCK HER HARD! I'M GONNA FUCK HER HARD! GET OFF!!"

[fucknotony]

There's a goddamn PANDEMIC, and the thing you're worried about is GETTING YOUR NAILS DONE?!

Neighbors.

[grumpygrandmaquotes]

If I gotta go back out again, I’m TOAST! (raises hands to the sky) I’M YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER, LORD!!

Mom, about coronavirus. (via grumpygrandmaquotes)

[fucknotony]

MUHFUGGIN' CORONAVIRUS!

My mom said she went to the Big Y in Pittsfield to get toilet paper, and they were out of it. All they had was a sign saying "Toilet Paper Sold Out", so she tried to TAKE THE SIGN with her out of the store just to show people because she was mad, AND GOT CAUGHT! Lady was like "Ma'am? What are you doing?" Mom said she was about to say "MIND YA OWN FUCKIN' BUSINESS!", but realized at the last moment that the lady was an employee, so she was then like "Uh...I'm just gonna move it where everyone can see it better!" The lady was like "Hmmm...", but mom told her "Look: the aisle is empty! Do you REALLY need a sign for people to figure that out?" Lady was like "... y'know, you're right! You DON'T need a sign for that. Carry on, then." My mom then tries to get hell out of there quickly, but on her way out, she finds the ONE pack of toilet paper left in the whole supermarket, hidden deep in a different aisle by somebody, and she bought it... Then, on her way out of the store, she heard a customer yell "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO WIPE MY ASS?" I'M SO FUCKIN' DEAD! HAHAHAHA!!

[fucknotony]

Mom: *Punch! Punch! Smack!

Me: "Stop hitting your phone! It is NOT your enemy!"

Mom: "..."

Me: "...?"

Mom: "YES IT IS!!" * Punch! Punch! Smack!

[fucknotony]

This water may be HOT, but it's SLOW! Slower than my PUSSY trying to have an ORGASM! I have to YANKIN' FUCK WITH IT!!

Mom, washing dishes.

[grumpygrandmaquotes]

It’s too SWEET and SICKENING! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!

Mom, about some feel-good happy-ass commercial. (via grumpygrandmaquotes)

[grumpygrandmaquotes]

Because I’M not pretty, I got stuck paying an ASS of BILLS!

Mom, about privilege. (via grumpygrandmaquotes)

[fucknotony]

Found my old classmates.com profile.

[fucknotony]

Because of "Blow, Gabriel, Blow"...

Mom: "He's the one who should'a got his ass kicked..."

Me: "...who, Cole Porter?"

Mom: "Yeah!"

[grumpygrandmaquotes]

…They NEVER fuckin’ fight FAIR… SUNNAVABITCH!

Mom, after I reminded her about that time my sister bit her finger and ran away from home. (via grumpygrandmaquotes)