Down To The Nitty Gritty

[fulldazechaos-blog]

damaged

I am damaged. I have low self-esteem. I do not think before I speak. I try to be funny. I don’t mean to be hurtful. I have so many issues that I have trouble dealing with. I refuse to be who I am not to please other people. I do not care what others think of me, as well as strangers/family. I just do not care. I will not pretend to be someone I am not to please anybody. I am a drug addict two years into recovery and I am done apologizing and trying to be what others want me to be. I am me, and I REFUSE to pretend. So Leave me alone and not talk to me because I DO NOT CARE WHAT ANYBODY THINKS OF ME. I AM SOBER AND I AM HAPPY WITH WHO I AM NOW.

[fulldazechaos-blog]

No more Forgiving/Being Nice

Being nice and forgiving gets me nowhere. I get walked all over and screwed over time and time again. They say good things will come to you yet nothing has been and I just keep getting shit on. So now I have trust issues, anger problems, major depression problems. I just want to be happy, so does that mean I have to start being a bitch? If there was such a thing as karma, then why does it only harm me, even after the changes I have made from my past mistakes.

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Single/2boys/TubesTied

I have two boys. My whole family told me not to have anymore. Almost every month I had to hear it so I got my tubes tied. I really didn’t want to but I knew it was for the best. The only problem is that I am not with either of my boy’s dad. Not that I did not try with my youngest. Now I wonder if anybody will love me even though I cannot give them children. 

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Trying To Cope

When your heart gets broken. It is so hard to cope. Especially when you tried so hard to be there for him through everything and making up for past mistakes. When you have been emotionally, physically, and mentally abused. When you were promised and told you would get back together and years of denial because of hope and love. When denial is over finally, even though it took four years, and now you are in a panic. You feel like your in a black hole. That no-one will love you and the sex with never be as good. Now My tubes are tied and I cannot have anymore kids. (Yes, I have two young boys) Will a man love me even though I can't have anymore? Will I be single for the rest of my life? Can I move on and trust another man again? I just have no idea what the future holds, and it just makes me even more miserable. I finally got a great job, I am fixing my relationship with my boys, I am taking college courses, and getting my bills and debts in order. Yet why do I feel miserable still? Why am I still unhappy? Why can’t I just already be married and happy and stable?

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Surgery

I had surgery tuesday. It was quick. Ended up tying my tubes and getting a shit ton of scar tissue cut out of my ovaries. It is now thursday night and I am still in a shit ton of pain. My mom said since tuesday night that I shouldn't be in a lot of pain cuz she wasn't when she had her hysterectomy. It is bullshit though. To sit there and say I shouldn’t be in pain, acting like I am faking it. Everybody's pain tolerance is different, and everybody’s bodies is different. I am still in pain. Yes, I went to work the next day. I, as a single mother, who is behind on her bills and credit cards, has to make money. Luckily, I sit in a chair and type on the computer. I got prescribed Norco 5 mgs. I have a high pill tolerance just a low Pain tolerance. So today it took me three norcos just to get out of bed and get ready for work. I am in pain and when my own mom acts like I am lying drives me nuts. Like I hurt everywhere. My shoulder, legs, stomach, and hurt to cough like you have know idea. 

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Loving a narcassist!

I fell for a narcassist. And even knowing he was a narcassist, I still keep going back to him. Love is toxic. Trying to find a non toxic love is so hard. PTSD and all that. I love him. We have been through so much shit. And the only one who cares is me. All the lies, all the bullshit, I stayed, and he kept leaving. I see all the signs. I am not even close to perfect. I keep going back when I know I shouldn't. When is enough, enough? A broken leg, another child by someone else, having sex with my a good friend of mine with the same name? never picking me for five years, even after I changed every bad part about me. I wanted a family with him, I mean we have a son, he left me two months pregant with a friend of his. I am and forever will be an addict. recovering addict yes. I will never apologize for my past. Why can't i Just move on from him. I am trying of being in pain, I am tired of being hurt. When is enough , enough?

[fulldazechaos-blog]

tinder. can you find love?

I have decided to do a little thing. I am going on tinder and finding out if you can really find love. I am going deep inside to find out because at the end of the day I do want love. I will be hurt in the process but I want to see how rare tinder can you meet someone

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Is Love Worth It

Love is only worth it if you are happy, health, and in the right relationship. If someone abuses their significant other, they will do it to someone else. Not every cheater will forever cheat. Never settle cuz your so in love with someone, and they are not good for you. It hurts and they won't change. Love hurts, just remember do not settle and do not give up to get your happy ending

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Is it the alcohol or is it the pain and heartbreak.

They say how you really feel when drunk is a true statement. It can be true but it can also be false. It depends on how you are feeling at the moment. If you are pissed, you do not care what you are saying, what you are feeling, it is just to hurt them. If you are in pain and still in love, you begged and begged to try in talk them into a deal. You can love and love but sometimes giving up because they do not care. They never care! Watch the signs do not just hope.

[fulldazechaos-blog]

gender reveals

gender reveals are so cute.  I never did any it was the fact that the embarrassment to be pregnant and single (dumped two months into pregnancy) I always wanted to do it. the shame of being left alone was just to heartbreaks

[fulldazechaos-blog]

anxiety

the air closes in on you. the walls get smaller. you can't breathe. the crying never stops. you are lost and you feel like its never going to get better. wondering if changing was even worth it.

[the-memedaddy]

Meirl

[the-memedaddy]

Me_irl

[the-memedaddy]

Me_irl

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Can’t get insurance

It’s okay it’s not like I’m slowly dying

[fulldazechaos-blog]

Toxic relationships suck. Staying to me though is better than the alternative. I rather be alittle sad then if I walked away which is me feeling like I can’t breathe and thinking I won’t be able to survive

[the-memedaddy]

[fulldazechaos-blog]

like all their bad habits 

[fulldazechaos-blog]

So Im a home health aide. My client i work for is my best friend for at least ten years. She is shoulders down paralyzed. Everybody use to tell us we were mentally so alike and it is true. So im working today and she was rolling into her room but i was walking out of her room to go put somethings away. So we are in the middle of the hallway and she wants me to move so she can go through. well i always move out of the way so this time i was like no you back up not me. She refuses ofcourse. so we sit there for about 6 minutes us both not moving. it was the funniest thing. Really wouldn't seem like it but we just always goofing off.