My Depression, Obsessions and Jokes

My health benefits doesn't cover therapy so here I am.

[funny-and-depressed]

This time of year felt emptier than usual

It was a year ago today where I had one of the greatest days of my life

You took me to the museum.

You said “babe, today’s my treat.”

We made jokes and laughed.

You even pointed at a naked Roman statue and asked “is my dick bigger than that?”

And I laughed so hard, tears ran down my face.

Then a few weeks later, you showed me your true self.

“Just tell me I’m a pretty crier” I joked to disguise my tears

Today I was reminded of how badly you broke me.

[funny-and-depressed]

Have you ever had someone show you so much care

And not because they wanted your body

But because they liked who you were

And for once, instead of you molding into the person they wanted

They molded to you.

You’ve never had that before

And what does someone do with something they’ve never had before?

For me, I got overwhelmed. I felt exhausted to be this perfect

Thing.

And suddenly, I felt like this person didn’t care about me

They cared about what they thought I was

Which felt worse that only wanting my body

Because they wanted what I wasn’t.

[funny-and-depressed]

Just as I thought.

Your love was not love.

Within minutes, you lost track of your lies;

And your words disguised as love

Were exposed for what they truly are:

Manipulative words.

What was the reason

What was the objective

For you to use these kind words on me

With every word and kind embrace,

You crushed a brick into remnants of cement

From my wall of protection

What you don’t know is that I held on to those remnants of cement

So that I’d be ready to rebuild this wall

Mixed with my tears another man caused

I could rebuild a taller wall

To protect myself from self-righteous, narcists like you.

Fuck you and fuck your so-called love

[funny-and-depressed]

Last night I had a mental breakdown but today I was grateful that the only major change in my life since covid was that my hair went from a side part to a natural middle part.

Dats either growth or mental instability

[funny-and-depressed]

You said you loved me

And in your eyes you hoped I’d say it back

But I couldn’t

Because the last time a man said he loved me for the first time

I found out he said because he broke my heart

And since then, the notion of love became nonexistent to me

It’s not real

So when someone says they love me,

They’re lying because how can they feel something that doesn’t exist?

Or are they just using these lies to trick me into their bed and allow them into my heart

So that I would forgive them when they wrong me

Because how can you hate someone who loves you?

[funny-and-depressed]

I met a man and he seems amazing

He makes me happy

And makes me want to be a better person

But he holds his faith too close to his heart

It scares me

Because it reminds me of the faith that I’ve lost

I didn’t lose it because I let go

I lost it because it was ripped away from me

By so many people that weaponzied it against me

It never was used for love

So this man sits on my couch with a beard he’s grown to be closer to god

And every time he uses religious phrases like inshallah

I flinch.

I wonder if he’ll accept me for who I am

I also wonder if he’ll use religion to justify his ways that deep down he knows is wrong

What if one day he comes to me and says he wants multiple wives because he can

What if one day he comes to me and says I can’t dress a certain way anymore because i shouldn’t

And what if I love him too much I let him.

I don’t like this feeling:

Feeling like someone else has control over my feelings

I don’t want it. It scares me.

But I can’t tell if it’s a fear I should embrace or if it’s my gut telling me to run away

[funny-and-depressed]

2 things that prove to me that I am too damaged for love and relationships:

1) the guy I’m dating asked me why I can never finish my plate and I said “I’m not sure. I’ve been like this for a few years.” Then he said “I think there’s a word for it...” and as he searched for the word, my mind immediately thought “functional depression” and it took all my strength not to say it because we just started dating and I don’t want to scare him off

2) just as I got to his place for our movie night, I got a text from my sister that my suspicions were right and my brother relapsed. And I never showed any sign of the true impact her text had on me and I wonder if I’m really good at compartmentalizing or I’m just really fucked up. Then I got home and cried the moment I walked through my front door.

[funny-and-depressed]

Happy Father’s Day to the man I once respected more than anyone else in this world. I don’t miss you but I miss who you were. I still mourn that man and today, when everyone else is shouting to the world how amazing their dads are, I mourn for who you were just a little harder.

I ask the universe to show you the way back to your old self: The man that taught me how to ride a bike, taught me how to speak up for myself and made me believe that I could do anything as long as I put my mind to it. I hope you choose the path that leads you back to that man. To be honest, I’m not holding my breath. But I hope I’m wrong. It seems that you’ll never go back and you’ll stay as the man you are today.

So I guess, Happy Father’s Day to the man, who through his own actions, taught me that I shouldn’t ever trust another person with my heart. That liars have no honour and I will be used and manipulated. I wish a happy Father’s Day to the man that taught me that love isn’t real.

Fuck you.

[anxietyproblem]

[funny-and-depressed]

Quentin Quarantino

[funny-and-depressed]

Trust in the process of healing. Trust that the universe will give you what you need, when you need it.

[funny-and-depressed]

My depression

It’s 2am and even though I am exhausted, my brain refuses to let me sleep. I scream into my pillow and cried before deciding to write how I feel. I wrote a few posts that I thought were enough but I think my soul has more to explain.

My depression sneaks up on me but as it creeps a little closer to my heart, I smell it. It smells of saline and the sensation of emptiness overwhelms me before I can even begin to fill the hole with love and care that I know I am deserving of and I know exists for me. But for some reason, I don’t feel it. 

My depression is this solemn moment in my bed where my heart begins to race for no apparent reason and suddenly tears fall down my face and I can’t catch my breath.

STOP IT! STOP IT!

I yell at my mind that has betrayed me, again. 

GO AWAY!

It creeps in faster. It’s too late. It has already dug it’s fingers into my soul. I feel like a child that has just come face-to-face with the monster under her bed and as I gazed onto him, I flinched. 

[funny-and-depressed]

Speaking of comic books, another line that hits close to home is the Rorschach quote from Watchmen. I don’t remember the quote verbatim but it went something like:

“A sick man went to the doctor and told the doctor he was sad. Depressed. Life was cruel and terrible. Says he felt a alone in the world and he wanted it all to end. Doctor says ‘treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him and he’ll make you happy.’ The man bursts into tears and says ‘but doctor, I am pagliacci.’”

And that’s it. That’s how I feel. Always putting on a show, being the funny friend. But really, I’m just sad and feel so alone.

[funny-and-depressed]

I used to be crazy into comic books when I was a teen and there was an issue of Batgirl or something where Barbara tries to explain what the soul is to Cassandra and it’s been a decade since I’ve read that book but the explanation keeps me up at night sometimes. It goes something like this:

“At the end of day, when you close your door and it’s just you alone and you strip down your armor and put your guard down and take off your mask? When nobody‘S watching you and you don’t need to be strong or fearless or smart or pretty. There’s just you. That’s it. That’s the soul.”

And I think about this quote often when I’m feeling especially weak. Sometimes I find comfort in it but most of the time, it reminds me of everything I’m not and everything I don’t have.

[funny-and-depressed]

What am I doing for my birthday you ask? Two words: depression sleep.

[funny-and-depressed]

Someone please explain to me how this quarantine has helped me with my depression. Haven’t felt this happy in so long.

[funny-and-depressed]

lol when the father who hasn’t spoken to you in nearly a year sends you a message to stay healthy and safe during this COVID-19 pandemic and it’s like ??? Dude, fuck you. COVID-19 wishes it could fuck me up as badly as you have.