Jax idly flicks at the edges of the photos, listening to the sound as they fall back into place. The notebook lays open beside him, pencil resting by its side. Noticeably, nothing else has been written in it yet.
I did more art from Cascade. Chapter 19, specifically. Poor Jax :'(
Jax doesn't take his eyes off the stars. Silent. Pomni sits down next to him. She watches him, notices how relaxed he is. He even seems to be enjoying the view. She decides to look at them too. They're silent for a couple of minutes.
"It was you who suggested the stargazing adventure," she says.
Jax doesn't move. He replies, "I still think it lacked flavor," in a dejected tone.
Pomni looks at him, inwardly happy to hear him speak. She turns back up to continue looking at the stars.
"You need piano lessons," Jax says.
"Oh… ah…" He caught her off guard. She hadn't expected that. "Yeah. Uh… I haven't been able to practice much…" she says innocently.
A few seconds of silence pass.
"I'm glad you listened." she replies. Pomni scans the room and looks around. The bench, the lamppost, the stars…
“And I’m glad it’s not all dark anymore…”
“Pomni…” Jax interrupts, still gazing at the sky. “You said… I could tell you.”
Pomni looks at him intently.
“I want to tell you,” Jax affirms.
The stars shine, reflecting their light on the endless ocean.
“It’s… so many things. So many… thoughts.” It’s hard to express himself, and Pomni notices. She doesn’t rush him, nor does she intend to speak. She wants to listen. She wants to hear him. “It’s not… easy,” the rabbit says.
“There’s no rush” or “Take your time” is what Jax expected her to say. But she says nothing. She just looks at him, into his eyes, and her face tells him that she wants to listen, when he’s ready. Jax looks at her and understands that he can open up to her.
He sits up. He puts his legs up on the bench and crosses them. Look down, staring at his hands with his fingers interlaced. Take a deep breath.
🌸 With every step he falls deeper, with every step he loses himself, with every step he cries louder. With one voice, she reaches for him.
🌸 Pairing: Jax x f!reader
🌸 Tags: SPOILERS, pre-canon/post-canon, sexual themes, cunnilingus, ooc (probably), trauma bonding, mutual pining, angst, family issues, PTSD, bullying, emotional/psychological abuse, depression, mentions of suicide (abstraction).
🌸 Author’s Note: I had this draft for over a week and I couldn't go on whitout writing it. I'm always in a state of 'man I wanna write', then I go to bed and sleep. This was supposed to be a bigger series (literally every episode) posted in ao3, but then I just decided to write the important stuff and be done with it.
Songs I listened to in a loop: New Person, Same Old Mistakes (Tame Impala), Never Wanna Fall In Love With U (nelward), LET ME SEE YA MOVE! (Lumi Athena), and of course Isn't She Lovely (Stevie Wonder).
↳ Next (SOON)
The day began, strangely, with a good mood for everyone in the circus, everyone was easily moving around the area with made-up activities since Caine was nowhere to be seen. We didn’t have any problem with that, the less we could see of him, the better for our sanity.
Today I was decorating my room the way I liked, instead of leaving it completely blank and soulless. I’ll be living here from here on out, so I think it’s better to get to the idea of it and take on Ribbit’s suggestion to do something with my boring ass room. To my disappointment, I needed more stuff to ornate it, and I didn’t have ideas, so I stepped out of my room and looked around for my favourite girly girl, finding her alone upstairs drinking from her cup. “Double cheeked up!”
Ribbit rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Really? You’re gonna do this every time you see me?”
“It’s not my fault you are. Leave something to the others, woman.” I smiled as she laughed again, and I sat beside her, widening my eyes when she passed me my cup filled with my favourite drink. “You had my drink ready? How did you know I was coming by?”
“I didn’t, I was just hoping you would. You’re like the fairy godmother, you appear when we need you.” She said with the sweetest look she could give my way. Truth be told, I like it when they value me as much as I value them. I came to the digital circus not long after Kaufmo, and Kinger and Ragatha were extra nice, but Ribbit? She’s the one who became like a sibling to me. “Welp, I’m deeply offended you think of me as old.” I said amused, and received a smack to the arm in exchange. “Elderly abuse!”
“Dramatic much, f%$!#ng Karen.” Ribbit’s smile didn’t vanish as she drank, but then she went quiet after her cup lowered to the table. My eyebrows furrowed worriedly because I’ve never seen her go this quiet before while we’re together. “Okay, who do I gotta fight?” I questioned, moving my seat closer to hers.
“Mm? No, no one. Why do you ask?” I stared at her with ‘that look’, and her expression turned slightly nervous. She knew she couldn’t lie to me, I would always find out what was going on one way or the other, and she knew that. “Fineee. Have you ever- I don’t know, have the feeling that a friend doesn’t trust you even after being together most of the time?”
My eyes didn’t move from hers, thinking. “Well… Some people have it harder to open up. It’s not about you, it’s about their fear of having trusted someone before and it not ending well. It’s… A blow to our heart and privacy. Maybe they want to open now, and they don’t know how.” I watched her gaze turn back to her now empty cup. “What do I do to show them they can trust me?” She muttered with a saddened look.
“Uhm, you can either try to smooth things over with your mutual likes and see how it goes from there, ooooor use yourself as an example first, you tell an experience of yours and then hope they speak too. They always do tho. Psychology is weird.” I drank from my cup, a delicious hot chocolate with cream. Ribbit gave me a cocky grin, one brow raised. “You sound like you went through this.”
“Many times, just because I’m young doesn’t mean I don’t have experiences.” I answered because to be honest, and to my shame, I used the latter more than I cared to admit.
Our banter ceased when we heard voices getting closer, and Kaufmo and Jax entered the café. “About time, did you two go through Mount Everest to come here?” I pondered, getting their attention.
“Oh you have no idea. I had to face fierce wildlife only to get to the stairs, that wildlife being bro here.” Ribbit and I chuckled as the clown pointed to Jax, who glared at Kaufmo in return, but it was never serious coming from him, only playful annoyance. “C’mon, are you not gonna tell the girls how we couldn’t come by sooner because you couldn’t hear me by all your snoring?”
“In my defense, it was a really good dream.”
“Dude, I couldn’t wake you up!”
“Lock in next time.”
“Wha- Next time?!”
Ribbit and I couldn’t stop giggling at their antics. This is what I liked about the circus, perhaps I’m mad to even think this, but it’s the most fun I’ve ever had no matter if I’m trapped here or not, I could always come talk or pass the time with everyone like this. My mind however, went back to Ribbit’s question. I knew she was asking about Jax, how couldn’t I not know? He’s the only one who hasn’t shared much about himself since appearing in the circus, and it didn’t bother me, he was nice to be around, funny and charismatic. I like leaving people to do their own thing and if they want to confide in me, then I let them.
Ribbit is not rushing him, she would never do that, they’re friends, the perfect trio.
Two fingers snapped in front of me, and I looked up to Jax, who had done that to get me to break out of my trance. “Jeez, daydreaming already? At least let me invite you out first.” His grin was devilish in nature, and I returned it softer, going back to finish my drink. He never ceases to do this thing in which he loves seeing me embarrassed when he flirts, all in good fun of course. “Haha, so funny.”
Jax sat between Ribbit and me, flashing me his usual smile. “You comin’ with us to the lake or stay here in your fantasies?” From the corner of my eye, I watched Ribbit staring at us from her seat, very intently, as if she wanted to say something but stopped herself. I pursed my lips for a moment, knowing she probably wanted to spend time with Jax. “Nah, I have stuff to do. Another time.” I said, smiling nervously.
The rabbit, if only for a split second, looked disheartened by this, but it disappeared as soon as it came, shrugging his shoulders with a grin. “Your loss, sweetcheeks. See ya.” Jax walked over to Kaufmo, the clown shaking his head, clearly disappointed by something while the rabbit only looked away.
“Well, see you later, sis. Don’t get bored without us.” Ribbit and I fist-bumped, and I took the cups to clean them before going back to my room.
… Ah shit, the decorations!
Some hours later, I had finished with my room, FINALLY. I was so tired I had fallen back on my bed, staring at my ceiling filled with shining stars and some hearts, I was so proud of how it looked, but before I could close my eyes, there was incessant knocking on my door, and, pretty irritated, I went to open it, only to find Jax there, his eyes unnaturally big and breathing hard.
“C-Can I… Can I come in…?” I heard him mutter, and my expression softened, nodding and letting him. After I closed the door, I turned toward him and saw him sitting on the edge of my bed, still with that same look, he seemed ready to sprint out if I made the wrong move. I quietly sat beside him, careful not to startle him. “Hey…” I began gently. “Would you like some water? I can go get it.”
My eyes widened when he grabbed my arm, pulling me slightly closer, my cheeks flushed because of the action, but I slapped myself mentally. It was not the time. “Do you, uhm… Wanna talk about it?”
He shook his head.
“Alright… You wanna just stay like this?” I tried again, and there it was, a small nod of confirmation.
The tension was impossible to ignore. What could have possibly happened to get him like this?
Without moving from where I was sitting, I pulled my covers and placed them on Jax’s shoulders, his ears flattening, and his eyes going back to normal. He was back, yet his expression screamed distress from a mile away. “You wanna sleep here tonight?” I suggested, and for the first time since he stepped inside, he glanced at me. “You’ll let me…?” He asked.
“Why not? I would let everyone have a sleepover here.” With that said, I had an idea to distract his mind. “Look around, my room is the equivalent of perfection. Decorated and well put, I really don’t wanna be egocentric, but it’s the most organized room in the whole circus, even better than my secret spot, and that’s sacred.”
“Heh, it is better than Kaufmo’s, everything’s a mess in there. Never go to his room.” Jax spoke with a small smile, moving the blanket so it can embrace his body completely, then he sighed. “Sorry, I ended up bothering you at this hour.”
“Don’t worry, I’m used to doing favors, all I do is exactly that.” Jax looked at me and let out a snort as he saw me wiggling my eyebrows. “Pfft, without context that sounds so bad.” The rabbit managed out a soft laugh.
“That’s the point, bunny boy. So… Can I ask why you’re acting like a literal scared rabbit?” I questioned him, sitting with my legs crossed as I turned my body to his. I heard him stutter, trying to find the right words. “I… Don’t wanna talk about it. I really don’t. I wanna forget that ever happened. It was a stupid mistake, a stupid conversation. One that will never happen again.” His eyebrows furrowed angrily, and I placed my hand on his shoulder.
“I won’t ask then.” I assured him. “Just know that I’m here if you ever feel bothered.”
The shine in his eyes wasn’t lost on me as his eyes made contact with mine, but I froze in place when both his hands came to my arms, the covers sliding from his shoulders as he looked deep into my eyes. “I want you to promise, if you ever hear anyone say something about me, don’t trust them. Don’t listen to them. Promise me you won’t, ____.”
I… Couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment I said to myself, well, at least he trusts me and values me enough to be this close to me, perhaps he doesn’t want to lose my friendship and he’s scared that he’s going to be left aside. I knew how that felt, as someone who always felt alone in groups or always in the corner when everyone had fun. We spent some time together, not too much to be called best friends, but enough for me to develop something close to a crush. I never knew if he felt the same, I never knew if he even felt he could be my friend. Perhaps I was being an idiot, perhaps he liked Ribbit, they always hung out the most and the way they spoke was too friendly.
“I promise, Jax.”
I should have listened to my instincts, I should have asked, I should have pressed. I knew something was awfully wrong, and yet, I let him go too easily. Once again, I let them go too easily.
In the middle of the night, as you slept, Jax stared at you from his side of the bed. In his point of view, you were sleeping so soundly, so peacefully, that he was almost afraid of moving and waking you. His yellow eyes softened, a quivering hand reaching toward your hair, but froze as you inhaled and exhaled deeply in your sleep, and he retracted, embracing himself while tearing up.
In that moment, he promised himself he would never let you see that part of him, he knew you would be disgusted by the things he had done or what he thought of ever being. If his mom thought of him like that, then why wouldn’t you?
Everything in his soul, his own sanity, was screaming at him to speak to you, you’ll be different. You’ve always been sweet to him. But then his brain went back to Ribbit and what he had expressed to her, every word and trauma, that stupid bow on his head, that moron will tell you, won’t she? She’ll tell you and Kaufmo and everyone will think of him as a weirdo, as a fa-
Jax’s body froze the instant your body moved closer to his, your hand probably stretching to hug the pillow, but ending up around him. His heart raced uncontrollably.
Slowly, he embraced you back, rubbing his head against yours, and for once, forgetting everything that happened today.
“You actually think this is normal? What could she probably have done for her to deserve that?!” You shouted, and Jax could barely understand how this conversation began.
He just knew you were angry, disappointed, disgusted. “I already told you, it’s none of your business.”
“None of my business? You made it my business when everyone began to distance themselves from her! Even Ragatha, Jax! Why would anyone agree to ignore Ribbit’s existence?!”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with her, kay? Quit being so annoying about this!”
“You have no idea how annoying I’m about to be if you don’t man the f%$!#ck up and go speak to her! We’re trapped in a d%$!#mn digital circus, and you think it’s a good idea to start problems?!” You tried to calm yourself down, inhaling to stop yourself from doing something you would regret. “I don’t know what you told the others, but it won’t work with me. She would never hurt a fly.”
“Then why don’t you go kiss her or something. Or better yet, why don’t you just disappear? You’re so good at being closed in your room that nobody even notices you.” Jax chuckled, pointing at you. His mouth wouldn’t stop. Just stop. “You’re so easy to manipulate, of course you would believe her stories.”
Your shocked expression broke his heart. “I wish… You never appeared in this hellhole...”
He felt conflicted.
He never thought you actually would.
She could see it, your door in his mind, so far away.
Pomni stared at it. It was not sealed, but no matter how much she ran, she could never get close to it. The jester could see how much you meant to Jax, the lingering stares, the invites, the worry and care he felt for you when you were on adventures or when he saw you tired.
She felt it all right in her heart when he was inside Jax’s mind, and she had cried. No matter how much the rabbit meant to her, you were also in the middle of all that happened, but you didn’t stay quiet, you defended Ribbit, had the courage to stand up to him, and you were just… Gone. Like the others.
“Pomni, are you alright?” Ragatha asked, and the jester glanced at her and Kinger with an astonished expression, breaking her trance. “Y-Yeah, sorry. Just thinking.”
“Are you still thinking of Jax’s condition? Look, I understand, but he’s abstracted, you need to take your mind off it, or it’ll eat you away.” Spoke Zooble and they sat beside Gangle on the couch. Everyone stared at Pomni from their comfortable positions, but she only kept her eyes on the large tent inside the circus made for Jax’s abstracted form. “I know… But my mind can’t stop overthinking. When I was inside his mind, apart from Ribbit and Kaufmo, I also saw a girl named ____. Who’s she?”
The others lowered their heads before Kinger spoke up. “She was part of the circus too, came by more or less on par with Kaufmo. Kindest soul back then, always made sure everyone was alright after Caine’s adventures. Both physically and mentally.”
“Yeah, she showed me how to do the best coffee and hot chocolate in the café. I never got the hang of it until her. Whenever I was feeling down, ____ was right there.” Ragatha smiled sadly, touching her hair to move it away from her face. “Everyone joked that you just need to think of her and she’ll appear right around the corner. Like a mother, a good friend.”
Gangle raised her head and glanced at Pomni. “After Ribbit abstracted, we never saw her again. We thought she had closed herself in her room, but once we knocked and stepped in, she wasn’t there.”
Pomni’s eyes widened slightly, raising one eyebrow. “Did she abstract?”
“We… Thought that was the most plausible idea.” Kinger spoke. “Perhaps the idea of losing Ribbit and well, Jax behaving as he was, made her abstract. We never saw her in that state.”
They never saw you in your abstracted form, running around destroying the circus? If you weren’t in your room, and they never saw you like that, then… “Caine!” Pomni called, and in a second, the AI was in front of them. “Morning, friends. What can I do for you?”
“Have you seen ____ ever since Ribbit abstracted? At all?” The jester pondered, and Caine floated down in silence as he began thinking, his feet touching the ground. “Nope, I haven’t. Once, when I had an adventure prepared, I teleported to her room and she wasn’t there. I thought she was probably avoiding me like Zooble was, so I let her be.”
“What about her abstraction? Did you see her? Put her in the aquarium with the others?” Pomni went on, and the others realized what she was thinking pretty quickly.
“No? To my knowledge, she never abstracted.”
Everyone in the circus stayed in silence, their eyes solely on Caine, which made him feel slightly nervous. Pomni then smiled, determined to find you, and she knew exactly where you were hiding.
Gangle sighed. “And you didn’t think about telling us?”
adhd, exersise enduced asthma, depression and anxietey diagnosed ocd and autism heavily suspected and i get super bad migraines that make me nausious </3
I’m not quite sure if I have any disabilities, none that are diagnosed that’s for sure, I do have a hormone disorder that impacts me extremely for half of every month but I don’t think that counts
i have a kidney defect, scoliosis that causes me to not be able to sit down for long periods without extreme side pain (maybe also my kidneys fault) and chronic wrist pain in my left hand (idk why im not even left handed) not the most severe disabilities but they do affect me daily, i like to draw a lot so ill just take painkiller and power through. I also have a severe anxiety disorder that makes me burst out sobbing at just the thought of not looking my best in public and makes me puke when i try things for the first time (going new places, first day of school makes me really sick, even though i know itll be okay and i have friends)
I have really bad anxiety and I have had a few panic attacks. Sometimes I feel sad and I’m like is this depression? And I just have horrible thoughts. I don’t know what depression is like so I don’t know if I have it
