“But I also want to do this, whatever it is that works between us. With Agatha, it – ”
Even in isolation, this packs so much. Because of the way it’s written, you can fill in the blanks pretty easily. “With Agatha, it (wasn’t like this)”
In this part, Simon is telling us he’s too turned on to think, he’s so in love (“I love him, I love him” – the repetition is both emphasis and his thoughts being derailed because of sexual desire… he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be poetic here, he simply repeats it). “But I also want to do this” is not calling back to “I wanted to, until I didn’t,” or something, which he uses to express how he tried (but failed) to have sex with Baz before, otherwise Agatha would not be brought up at all. If it was about “failed attempts” at intimacy with Baz, it would have been about how he can do this, rather than he wants to do this, because wanting it isn’t new when it’s with Baz (Simon has thought and said he wants sex with Baz plenty of times, highlighting that lack of wanting was not at all the problem). “I’m so turned on I can’t even think, I’m so in love, I also want to do this” is redundant. “Romantic love” + “lust” = “desire for sex” is obvious enough you don’t need to spell it out. No need for a “but” there.
“But I also want to do this,” with emphasis on do does indicate that there was a time he didn’t want to do this… Follow that with “With Agatha” and there’s your answer. It’s only when the comparison it’s done with Agatha that “I want to do this” is a new thing that needs to be highlighted in italics. “With Agatha, it (wasn’t like this) (I didn’t want to do it) (it didn’t work)” … you keep going back that paragraph in order, and you even have “(I wasn’t in love) (I wasn’t turned on at all)”
This is about sex, and we get Simon expressing how he actually felt about having it with Agatha without outright saying it, including the fact that he interrupts the thought with “no, never mind, that doesn’t matter” … because he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to think or process that, he doesn’t treasure the memory, he doesn’t want it in his head, and he doesn’t want to give it any importance. He dismisses it, he wants to leave it behind. That scene in Fangirl where Baz goes “have you ever done this before?” and Simon goes “not when I actually wanted it,” which the author has shared as informing Simon’s sexuality and experiences are encapsulated in this. In “But I actually want to do this.”
I have posted about this before, but I was thinking about this again because, while this is about sex… it’s not just about sex. It also applies to the relationships. With Agatha, he didn’t have any romantic or sexual feelings, so he didn’t actually want to do “this”–“this” being his role of boyfriend. “It’s not my job to tell her what to do” is clearly disinterest, avoidance. “I never put her first” acknowledging this isn’t how a relationship should work, while also never concerning himself with changing it. Again, disinterest and avoidance. With Baz, he wants to do “this,” whatever it is that works between them. He wants their relationship to work. Which means communication, even when it’s uncomfortable. Simon talks, even about the things he would rather not. He doesn’t go “fine, it’s not my job to tell him shit, I’m not his boss” in SFC when Baz is upset and goes out to get some space. He immediately apologizes when Baz comes back. He doesn’t just go “I got it wrong” or linger in that line of thought because they had a discussion – he extends an olive branch when things cool off, even if he’s not fully getting it yet. There’s no avoidance; Simon is making the effort to make it work. Simon telling Baz “whatever you want, always” when discussing their Christmas strategy is not just a romantic gesture, it’s also about wanting to put Baz first.
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