Before I get started, everyone is fine that I know of.
Back not all that long ago I posted up about my friend that tried to kill himself and how I manage to stop it. Well, yesterday I got a text from my friend’s boyfriend telling me my friend was on his way to Michigan. It caught me off guard a little, but I did have a feeling that it would happen since I knew my friend better than he does since he reminds me so much of my older brother that killed himself. Anyways, my friend left and is putting himself back into the situation where he tried to kill himself when his boyfriend and me was trying to help him get over his family. I seen this happened with my older brother and it really has me sick to my stomach knowing that there is nothing I can do now to help him.
For those that do not know, my older brother is actually my cousin. My mum and dad adopted him because his mum, my aunt....., kept tossing him out of her house while he was growing up. Well, when my older brother got older he tried to get to know his real mum and everything was fine until she wasn’t getting what she wanted from him and she would toss him out like she did when he was a kid and he come back home to our family.The last time he left he asked me to go with him to help him get his stuff from his mum’s because he was done trying to let her in his life. He asked me this so late at night and I had school the next morning. I told him I could not. He left and that was the last time I saw him alive......Two days later after we had been talking to my brother on the phone we found out from my other aunt that he had killed himself. I was at school and when I got home my aunt and uncle was there. My aunt took my backpack off of me and put it inside before they took me off. They told me about the fact that my big brother had killed himself during the night at his mum’s house. I felt my whole world come to an end right than and there. I don’t really remember what happened after that, but everyone told me when I started asking what happened and when my big brother’s funeral was that I was not myself during that time and the funeral already had happened. The only thing I remember at the funeral now is that my brother’s friend grabbed a hold of me and pulled me into a hug crying on my shoulder. I remember standing there like I was completely numb to the world. After I realised everything and started thinking back to back when he asked me to go with him I started to blame myself for not going. I felt and still sometimes do feel like if I would have gone when he had asked me he would still be here today. Yeah, but I think it is because now I live regret that I feel that way.
Sorry to bore you lot with that story, but I wanted you gators to know where I come from about this and why I see my friends doing the same mistakes as my older brother. My friend went to Michigan because the mother he wants in his life is there, but she has abandoned him so many times in the past with the most recent one being where he moved in with his boyfriend that he has now broken up with. I am worried for my friend because he did talk about the fact that he felt like killing himself every time he had ever lived with his mum. I begged and plead with him to seek some help to try to get past this because I for see it being the same pattern as my older brother, but he just ignored me. I hate that he is doing this to himself, but there is nothing I can do since he is also not talking to me now. I think he has blocked my number. All I can do is pray and hold onto hope. Hope that I will not get a call telling me I have lost someone close to me again.
I am not going to lie, what happened in my past with my brother did some mental damage to me. That and the fact that I lost so many family members that year and I witness my best friend get murder by a drunk driver and held as he breathed his last breath. I lost so many that was close to me that I swore off making new friends and really force myself to try to not to because I was scared of everything repeating again. Since starting my YouTube videos I have made so many friends online and offline because it has helped me realise that I am not alone in this world. I feel like with my friend it has repeated again, but I also know I’ve done what I could and that is all that matters. Yes, it bothers me to no end, but I cannot let this set me back.
Now for those that have read this and has been through similar, I hope you guys can start to feel better like I know I will one day feel better. The wound may reopen again for similar situations, but we cannot stop trying just because we are scared of repeats. Thank you gators, thank you my YouTube friends, thank you my Minecraft friends, thank you my gaming crew, thank you my subscribers/followers/watchers, thank you my real life friends, thank you my boyfriend, and thank you to everyone that supports what I do because that is what truly helps me go on. Later gators/friends.