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free Palestine!
@gayshitanddadjokes
you can call me gayshit. or gsadj. he/him with an occasional they. if you know my name, you can say it, but if not, you're not getting it. I've been on here since I was 12 get me help. i tag everything with #a so i can sort it. my main is @gayasfridge. i never use it but if you get followed by gayasfridge that's me! i have another side blog called piracytheft and it has a few links for piracy and otherwise free things/important things
sigh. just another day scrubbing the floor and mowing the lawn and dusting and doing the laundry for the rest of my pack. but the house has to be in especially perfect shape today because Alpha Jameson has an important meeting with another Alpha from across the river. If they come to an agreement, the Newport and Cincinnati packs might finally have peace for the first time in decades. No more fightingā¦.But they say the Newport Alpha is the most ruthless wolf whoās ever lived. Can our hotheaded Alpha really find a compromise with a man like that? I have to hope for the bestā¦with a deal between our packs, the months of new business negotiations will have everyone so busy, they wonāt have time to push me around. Alpha Jameson might even be too distracted to think about me. The thought is almost too good to be true. Iāve been his scapegoat to treat like trash ever since he and my younger sister claimed each other as mates. There was a time when we were kids when it was me on his arm at dinners and parties. But then we grew up, andā¦..I never got my Wolf. Iām a freak, and everyone knows it. Of course he couldnāt stay with me. Not that Iād want to be with him now anyway. These days he canāt even say my name without spitting it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I never get my Wolf, and I get banished to live among humans. But then I remember my childhood best friend. She was so prettyābrown eyes, with brunette hair she always wore in a bun. I was homeschooled with my pack, of course, and she went to the local high school. We met at the libraryā¦.our shared sanctuary. She didnāt have any other friends, and neither did I. We hung out every chance we got. Until one day when we were 16ā¦her brother told me she was gone. I found out that their mom gave her away to a boy band, and I havenāt seen her since. Thatās when I realized the human world is just as ruthless as the wolfen. No, banishment wouldnāt be better. But I donāt know how much longer Iāll survive this place either. Most days, keeping my head down and doing what Iām told isnāt enough to keep me out of trouble.
But things could be worse. Yesterday I overheard my sister talking to Beta Devon about the deal Alpha Jameson is making with the Newport Alpha. Apparently, heās requested a woman from our pack as his mate. With his reputation, I could almost feel bad for whoever Alpha Jameson chooses for him, even though the women in our pack treat me even worse than the men. Iām an embarrassment to them because I donāt have my Wolf.
Whatever. At least I know it wonāt be me, because Iām not important enough to be married offā¦ā¦..
everyone saying that they can hear the MCās voice so clearly. Thatās because I didnāt write this. I channeled her voice through myself as a vessel. Sheās out there somewhere.ļæ¼
funny you should mention it because Iām channeling the MC again right now and she met the Newport Alpha today. Her stomach was in her throat when she found out that he requested her, specifically. Whatever sheāll have to endure will almost be worth the look on Alpha Jamesonās face when he was forced to acknowledge that someone actually wants herāthat someone outside of her pack even knows her name.
Still, the satisfaction was fleeting when it finally sank in that sheās leaving with the most ruthless Wolf this side of Louisville. Is she simply out of the pan and into the fire?
Not so much. In fact, the Newport Alpha is cold as ice. He hasnāt spoken a single word to her in the hour since they met and left Cincinnati on his sleek, burnt-sienna Ecosse ES1 Spirit.
Could he really have asked for her, specifically? What if heād asked for someone else and they sent her instead, as a consolation prize? What ifā¦
What if he asked for someone else, and they lied about who she was? Oh god. Would she have to pretend to be Payton or Sabrina to maintain peace and to keep her own head attached to its neck? She might be able to pull that offā¦for a week.
Does he even know what she isāwhat she isnāt. Did Alpha Jameson or her sister tell him she doesnāt even have her Wolf? Maybe the Alpha can sense that on his ownā¦
Theyāve stopped for gas, and he still hasnāt said a word. But he when he goes inside for an energy drink, he comes back out with sweet-tarts ropesāher favorite. Itās such a random candy too. How could he have possibly known that? A lucky guess?
They share an impossibly familiar look for just a moment as he hands her the candy. Then heās astride the motorcycle again.
She wishes she had something other than him to hold onto as they speed southbound on 471. Despite herself, her arms are wrapped around his waist, and she tucks her forehead against his broad back so the wind wonāt sting her eyes.
His carhartt jacket smells faintly of clove cigarettes. His hair smells like apricot shampoo from the dollar general. The specificity of the scent catches her off guard as they cross the bridge into Newport. Why would she recognize the brand? More importantly: why would a wealthy Alpha buy his hair products from a dollar store?
And why is she even thinking about his shampoo to begin with? She needs to be preparing herself for her first night in her new life. It could be anything. She needs to be smart. She needs to be on guard.
And yetā¦she canāt stop thinking about his brown eyes. Something in them is soā¦.impossiblyā¦..familiar. It just doesnāt make any sense.
That's very kind, but again I'm not writing this. I'm having visions and ecstasies where I see through the eyes of the MC. In fact......I'm being overcome now......
We've been driving for a long time now, well past Newport's city limits. At some point, we got off the highway, and I counted streetlights blurring by until we started passing trees instead. We're out somewhere in the woods now. I tell myself that I'll get my bearings the next time we stop, but we just drive on and on.
We blow through an intersection in the middle of nowhere, and I try to catch the name of whatever county road we must be on, but it's too dark, and we're driving too fast. The Newport Alpha doesn't seem to care about stop signs or speed limits.
Why would he? We could crash into a tree going 100 miles per hour, and he'd be okay. Not me, though. Inhuman powers of strength and healing are reserved for those with a Wolf.
I bite my lip and wonder again if he knows about me. If he does, I guess that means he wouldn't care if we took a turn too fast and I fell off the back of this bike and died. If he doesn't....
I shake my head. There's no way Alpha Jameson and my sister could've kept this secret. If they did, and he doesn't take it well when he finds out....
My stomach twists when I think about what might happen to me. No. Alpha Jameson needs this to go well. No matter how much he hates meāno matter how much sick pleasure he'd get if I were torn to shreds in a bad business deal. The Newport Alpha wanted a mate from our pack. Not even Beta Devon would be stupid enough to try to cheat such a powerful Alpha with some Wolfless loser.
He could have asked for any of the unmated women in our pack. Sabrina and Chelsea would have thrown one of their legendary tantrums if Alpha Jameson tried to give one of them away, but I saw Payton preening in every reflective surface she passed this morning. She wanted to look good for the Newport Alpha, and she did look good. She was taller and prettier than meāblonder, with better clothes and makeup. They all were.
Why didn't he want any of them. What does he want with me?
I'm so lost in thought, I didn't even notice that we'd turned down a long driveway until we stop.
He cuts the engine, but I still feel like I'm vibrating. I'm not used to riding on motorcycles. I'm really not even used to leaving the house. My arms feel like jello, still wrapped awkwardly around his waist.
The Newport Alpha suddenly gets upāso fast that I don't even have time to let go. His body drags mine sideways, and I brace myself to land on the gravel driveway.
But I don't. He catches me by my arm and pulls me onto my feet.
"Thanks," I say, at the same time he says, "Sorry."
It's the first thing he's said to me since we met hours ago. I know I look surprised when our eyes meet. Those brown eyes...
We stare at each other for so long, it starts to hurt. I'm not used to anyone acknowledging me unless it's followed by an insult or a slap. I can't take the eye contact, so I look down at my old Sperry shoesārejects that Sabrina threw away.
He lets go of my arm and says "sorry" again.
"It's okay...." I say. My voice is so quiet. I hate it, but I don't know how to be any louder. I'm barely ever allowed to talk.
The Newport Alpha doesn't seem to care. He says, "I know this probably isn't what you were expecting, but I thought you might be more comfortable with a little privacy tonight."
I look up and realize he's talking about the house, a little cabin surrounded by trees. He's right, it's not what I expected. When my sister told me that Alpha Jameson was giving me away to the most ruthless Wolf in the tri-state area, I didn't really picture woodland cottages. It's not even as big as the garage where Beta Devon keeps those stupid, expensive cars he loves so much.
I don't know what to say, so I whisper, "It's fine."
The Newport Alpha grins. I don't know why he'd care so much what I think of his house, but I'm glad I made him happy. Things will be easier for me if he's in a good mood.
He says, "Yeah? Are you sure? I just thought it might be kinda overwhelming for you to meet the entire pack tonight, you know?"
"Yeah," I say, because I have no idea what else to say. Nobody's ever considered my feelings like that before, let alone gone out of the way to accommodate them.
"Well, uh, want to go in? It's kinda cold out here, huh?"
He's looking me up and down, and I feel exposed in my plain blue jeans and hand-me-down Hollister v-neck sweater.
"Sure," I say.
I follow him up the front porch steps. He opens the door, and I wait for him to go first, but then I realize he's waiting for me to go first. So I do.
This time, it is what I'm expecting. The cabin is decorated like a little hunting lodge. I've never been in one, but I've seen them in movies and TV shows. The walls are wood panel, and they're covered in antlers and trophy fish.
"Bedroom's over there." He points to a door on my left, then to one on the right. "Bathroom's there."
I'm eyeing a rack with three rifles hanging beside the door, and he must notice, because he says, "They're not loaded."
When I don't say anything, he keeps talking. "I bought this place a few years ago, and I haven't really gotten to redecorating. Those came with the place. Besides, who needs a gun to kill a deer?"
He grins, and I notice for the first time how sharp some of his teeth are. It's nothing like ours in my pack.
"Hey, I'm just kidding," he says. I guess he can tell I'm a little freaked out. "I'm a fishing guy, anyway."
"Oh," I say. "Ha."
I don't know why I even tried to laugh. It sounds more pathetic than I even usually do. He's frowning at me, and I panic a little. What am I thinking??? This is my new Alpha. Laughing at his stupid jokes will be the least of my duties to him. Pack members who don't play along never last long. I need to get it together.
"Well," he says. "Why don't we call it a night?"
He looks me up and down again. "Is that all you have?"
He means the clothes I'm wearing. I can feel myself turning bright red. Everything happened so fast today, I didn't have time to pack even my few belongings.
"Yeah," I say. "It's...okay. I....always sleep in jeans."
He cocks his head and looks at me like he'll call my bluff. I bite my lip. There's something in his face. He looks somehow....sad. I have no idea what to do with that. But then he smiles.
"Okay then, " He kicks off his timberland boots and pads across the room in his socks. I watch him lie down on the old, 1980s velour couch. "Good night."
I don't move. What am I supposed to be doing right now? I wait for some command. It feels like an eternity passes before he sits up and says, "Sorry, do you need something?"
I shake my head. He stares at me for a moment and says, "Huh. Well...sweet dreams?"
I still have no idea what he wants from me. I have no idea what to say, and then he says, "Sorry. I have no idea what you want from me right now..."
It catches me so off guard, I actually laugh. A real laugh. Then he laughs. His laugh is loud and confident, and it makes his broad chest rise and fall under his tight, black t-shirt.
He laughs longer than I do, and then I say, "I don't know where I'm supposed to go...tonight?"
"Oh!" He says, smiling. "The bedroom's all yours! There are fresh sheets. It's a little cold, but it'll warm up in here soon. I just switched from wood to solar, and it's been a whole thing, you know?"
I don't know. I just say, "Okay, thanks," and then I wander awkwardly to the bedroom.
But I stop in the doorway. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel a little bold. I want to say something other than oh and yeah, but I have no idea what.
He's looking at me like he knows I'm trying to get the courage to talk.
So I just ask, "What's your name?"
"Oh!" He laughs again. "I can't believe I never said. It's Yale. Yale Northland. It's kind of a weird name, though, isn't it?"
I don't know what to say. Am I supposed to agree with him? Would that be rude?
He says, "So my friends just call me by my initials, Y.N."
"Okay, Y.N.," I say. Then I have nothing else to say, so I say, "Goodnight," and I shut the door behind me.
The bedroom looks just like the living room, with wood panel walls and random woodsy knickknacks. The bed is huge. It takes up most of the room, and it's covered in old, homemade quilts. I've never seen anything like them. They're so....cozy. I pull them back, and the sheets are red flannel with patterns of little black pine trees and bears printed on them.
I take off my jeans, because I actually don't want to sleep in them, and I climb into the gigantic bed. Thew Newport Alpha is nothing like what anyone said he'd be.
He seems so normal. I can't help feeling like there's something I'm missing. Like, tomorrow, I'll wake up and he'll be the cruel, ruthless Wolf my sister told me about.
My stomach twists, but not even the fear is enough to keep me awake after such a long day. I try to stay awake, but the cabin is so quiet, and the bed is so warm, I drift off to sleep...
#reading this feels like having knives thrown at you
Well get ready to start dodging, because for the first time in a year, I can feel the MC trying to speak through me...
I awake to a crash. Or was it a scream ... My own voice, screaming.
I'm breathing hardāpanting, evenāmy whole body too hot in the Hollister sweater I went to bed in last night. I shouldn't be surprised; it's not the first time I've screamed myself awake, but it usually only follows the times I've cried myself to sleep. Last night wasn't one of those times. No, last night was ... I can't bring myself to even think the word safe. Instead, I say out loud to the dark room, "different."
My voice is timid as always, but at least I'm speaking. Maybe, in the life I've lived, anything that's different is safe.
But I can't afford to let my guard down. Not when I have no idea what awaits me today. Alpha Yale was kind to me last night, but I know it was all propriety. No matter his reputationāno matter how badly we all know Alpha Jameson needs this to workāAlpha Yale couldn't be a complete brute right away. No matter how worthless I may be to my pack, no matter how much they hate to claim me, I'm still one of them. If Alpha Jameson let an outsider treat me as badly as he does, it would make him look weak, like he can't protect his own. As an Alpha, Yale would understand that and play polite as part of the deal, if only 'til everyone forgets about me.
If I'm going to survive thisāwhatever this isāI have my own role to play: The perfect Alpha's mate, but that's already out the window. She wouldn't be Wolfless.
I shake the thoughts out of my head. Over-thinking in the dark all morning won't win Alpha Yale over. I switch on the novelty lamp at my beside; it's shaped like a wolf howling at the moon, which is full and round to cover the light bulb inside. A little on-the-nose... But Alpha Yale did say he plans to redecorate the place. The wood floor is cold on my bare feet. No points to solar power, I think.
Back home, we had heated floors. At least, the main house did, where everyone else lived. My roomāthe unfinished basementāwas all moldy cement. How could I have any opinions about Alpha Yale's HVAC setup, coming from someplace like that?
There's a second door in my room, on the other wall just beside the door to the main house. I open it cautiously, expecting a closet, but I'm pleased to realize it goes directly to the bathroom. The lights are already on insideāso bright I blink and see spots for a second. I immediately notice a folded bundle of fabric, with a small note on top:
M.C.,
I pause. How did he know I prefer to go by my initials, the same as he does? There's no way Alpha Jameson or my sister would have been considerate enough to mention it. They never remembered themselvesāor they pretended not to, anyway.
I hope you slept well. I'm out getting us breakfast. This is for you, in case you don't actually like living in those jeans. Back soon - Y.N.
I turn over the note for some reason, and I realize it's been scrawled on the back of an old envelope, already torn open. The return address sounds like a satellite dish company. Absurdly, I imagine Alpha Yale tucked into one of those homemade quilts, surrounded by novelty lamps, watching black-and-white movies, or whatever channels you get by dish out here in the sticks. I catch myself smiling before I remember I'm just making things up. Most Ruthless Alpha this side of the Mississippi, I remind myself. He's probably not catching oldies re-runs.
Under the note is a pair of grey sweatpantsāno brand, I notice, the old tag long since worn totally blank. They're clean, but they still smell like himāborax laundry soap, clove cigarettes, and ... Apricot shampoo, I think. 2-in-1. The kind with conditioner included. I shake my head again. Why do I know that, and why does it even matter?
I pull the pants on and look at my reflection in the mirror. My brown, curly hair is a hopeless tangle. I can taste my morning breath. I open a few cabinets, looking for toothpaste or a comb, careful to close them as quietly as possible, in case Alpha Yale wouldn't want me going through his things. The whole bathroom's completely empty, anyway. Unless there's a second bathroomādoubtful, from how little this place seemed last nightāthen he clearly never stays here. Even the toilet paper roll is almost used up.
Giving up, I use the elastic on my wrist to shape my hair into the semblance of a bun. My brown eyes are underscored by bags, deep and somewhat purple. I notice a stain on yesterday's sweater, so I take it off to reveal my thin, blue camisole with lace trim. It's cold enough in the bathroom that my arms immediately go to gooseflesh, but I warm up a little when I put on the sweatpants. They're too longāAlpha Yale is at least a foot taller than meāso I roll them three times at the waist, which looks a little frumpy, but so do I.
I take one more look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are wide. Suddenly, panic blooms in my chest. I don't want to go out there. I don't want to face Alpha Yale and this new life. But I can't go back, either. Not to Alpha Jameson. Not to my sister. There's no one there who would have me, protect me if this all went to hell. I won't go back. I'd sooner drown in the Ohio River than cross it again.
Swallowing my dread, I open the other door to the main house.
"She's awake!"
I blink against the sun pouring into the room from three skylights, which I hadn't noticed last night. There's a man I don't know, sitting on the old couch in front of the TV, tucked into one of those patchwork quilts, exactly as I'd stupidly imagined Alpha Yale.
"Finally joining us, in the land of the living?" His grin is goofy and genuine, and I notice he has sharp teeth like Alpha Yale's.
"Booo!" Another voice says with a laugh, as if the man on the couch has made some sort of corny joke, but I don't get it.
"M.C., Good morning," says yet a third person. The whole cabin is a single room, with the living room's old, shaggy carpet ending abruptly at the kitchen's linoleum floor. There's a second man, sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of what I assume is coffee, because I can smell the beans, pleasant and freshly ground. His smile was just as genuine, but smaller, shy. I couldn't see his teeth. He was regarding me from behind thick, red curls, cut into bangs that hung over his eyes. I would find the style irritating, but he must not mind.
"Just in time for breakfast!" Says the man who was boo-ing. He's standing at the stove, and even from behind, he looks almost ... startling, wearing a colorful, satin bath robe and a bleached buzzcut halved in two sides by a neon-pink skunk stripe. He adds another pancake to a pile so enormous, I worry they're expecting even more company.
This is my new pack, and one of them must be Beta, if Alpha Yale left them here, with me, without formal introductions.
"Come sit," says the first man. He's in a thick, wool sweater, the same sky blue as the silk wave cap on his head. He's still smiling, and I catch myself thinking he looks very handsome, in a cozy way. They all do, in their sweaters and robes at breakfast, like it's the morning after a slumber party.
I'm suddenly struck by some strange familiarity, as if I've seen all of them before. I try to picture their faces among visiting packs we've sometimes hosted in Cincinnati. I haven't been welcome at any guest events in years, but perhaps when we were childrenāwhen my parents were still alive and Alpha Jameson and I were still ... I can't bear to think about thatāabout the better days. I need to focus on today.
I didn't expect to meet my new pack this wayāwithout Alpha Yale here. It seems somehow improper, like we're breaking some sort of rule. There were so many ... formalities back home. Everything even somewhat noteworthy was strangled by ceremony and pomp. Any day now, I half expect Alpha Devon to demand a full Pack initiation ritual for his next stupid car.
Compared to that, this is so casual, so relaxed that I feel my hackles up. The man on the couch seems to notice, because he looks a little startled, and he says, "Or don't! It's okay!"
Oh my god, I'm being rude. I'm being rude to the men who are almost definitely Alpha Yale's closest confidantes.
I wonder suddenly if this is some sort of test, to see how I fall into my place at my Alpha's side, even when he's not hereāto see if I have the quality of a leader. The idea of me leading anyoneāanythingāis so stupid that I laughāquietly, bitterly, to myself.
But the man on the couch catches it and misinterprets it. He smiles gently, clearly hoping I've come around. I take a deep breath and force my shoulders to relax. There are no practice rounds; this is my new life, in this very moment, and every first impression I make it critical. Perhaps to my very survival.
"Good morning, everyone," I say, and I'm surprised that it doesn't come out as meekly as I feared it would.
Now the man on the couch grins again. "Good morning! Sorry to crowd in on you like this, but we all got worried when y'all didn't show up last night. Y.N. said he'd be back with you at the house."
"We drove all up and down 471 this morning, looking for his stupid motorcycle," says the man with the coffee. "Assumed you crashed and exploded, 'til we finally remembered this place. I'm Brayden, by the way."
"Ah! Kristofer, with a K and and F," says the man at the stove.
"Caleb," says the man on the couch.
"Brayden, Caleb, Kristofer," I repeat shyly, committing the names to memory. Titles would be the least of my political responsibilities here.
"With a 'K' and an 'F'!" Kristofer reminds me immediately.
"Thanks, I've got it," I say. I decide to join Caleb on the couch after all, if only to pretend for this pack that I can be comfortable among themāthat I can be one of them. Caleb offers me some of his quilt, but I shake my head, no-thanks.
"So," I say, and all three of them look at my expectantly. I do my best not to shrink. "Who here is Beta?"
"Oh! Uh-" Says Caleb, and they all look at each other.
"We uh," Kristofer takes a bite of one of the pancakes, plain and right off the skillet. I watch him chew it with his mouth open, full of those same sharp teeth. "We haven't decided yet."
Caleb puts a hand over his face, as if embarrassed. "Awesome, Kristofer," he says under his palm.
Kristofer is immediately defensive, "Sorry, but, like, we haven't though! Right?"
"Why don't-" Brayden interrupts, loudly. Then he looks at me and says, softer, "we wait for Y.N. to get back, and he can make our introductions."
"Sure," shrugs Kristofer, finishing off his pancake.
I don't know what to say, but I don't need to, becauseāas if on cueāthe door opens, and Alpha Yale is there, his broad shoulders nearly taking up the entire frame.
He looks furious.
"You guys have to be fucking kidding me!" He says. It's not quite a shout, but it's not exactly not a shout. I clamp my teeth together, forcing myself to look neutral.
"You can't be mad at us, dude." Brayden speaks first, sounding unphased by the Alpha's anger. "We spent all night expecting you in a body bag. Obviously we came looking for y'all."
"What?" Alpha Yale looks bewildered. "What do you mean?"
"You went off to some high-stakes meeting with uh," Brayden seemed uncertain for a moment, like he doesn't know exactly what he's about to sayāwhat he should say. I recognize this, because it's how I so often speakālike I have to choose my words very carefully. "A rival Pack. And you never came back."
"Shit," Alpha Yale says. I don't know what to make of it, the way he completely deflates, like all the anger's gone out of him at once. I can't believe there won't be yelling, fighting, someone's broken bones at the end of it. But he just says, "Sorry. That sucks, I shouldn't have done that."
"True," says Caleb, not unkindly.
"I just ... Got in my head, on the way back, you know?"
"We get it, we get it," Says Kristofer, around another mouthful of pancake. "You wanted her all to yourself."
At this, Caleb makes an Alright, Enough face at Kristofer, who shrugs defensively.
Alpha Yale chooses to ignore the exchange, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. Finally, he looks at me, and I thinkāagainst all logicāthat every part of him softensāhis eyes, his shoulders, his whole posture.
"Are you getting along alright, M.C.? Sorry I left you. I got us pancakes, but I see I've been outdone." He looks somehow ... uncertain. I don't understand itāany of it. This gentle Alphaābetraying every bit of his reputationāthis place, this pack.
"We've been good company," says Caleb, and I find myself smiling, despite myself.
"It's ... true," I agree, quietly. "They've been ... very nice."
Alpha Yale rolls his eyes. "They're always nice," he says. "But you still have to watch out."
"For what?" Kristofer says, mock-offended. I begin to suspect he's always on the defense.
"I never know," says Alpha Yale. "Which is what worries me." He puts down the plastic carry-out bags beside the door, where he kicks off his boots and shrugs his Carhartt jacket off, onto the coat tree.
I expect him to join Caleb and me on the couch. He is my Alpha. But he sits on the little loveseat across from us, his broad frame sinking into the old, too-soft floral cushions. He smiles again at meāshyly, I think beyond all reasonābut then his eyes widen.
"Willow's not here, is she?"
Kristofer scoffs through yet another pancake. "We're not completely clueless."
Alpha Yale's shoulders relax, but for only a second before the kitchen doorāwhich I've only just noticedābangs open.
"You guys are clueless, and I am here," says a woman with brown eyes. With brunette hair in a messy bun. Grown so much since I saw her last, but still somehow just the same. I completely forget myself. I'm standing before I can even consider the consequences for speaking out of turn, for failing to answer my Alpha's question, failing to acknowledge him at all.
"Meredith?" I ask, my voice louder than I've ever heard it, so I cringe even as I take a step forward toward her.
She stops smiling, turns pale with shock, and she looks right past me, to Alpha Yale. She's so stricken that I turn to look at him too, and his face is an exact echo of hers. Caleb has a hand over his own face again.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realized she'd be here," says Meredith. Says my childhood friendāmy only friendālost for a decade since her mom gave her away to that boy band.
"Meredith," I say again, still looking at Alpha Yale, still trying to understand his shock and hersātrying to understand anything. "What's going on?"
I look back at her, and now Meredith is blushing, from her ears, all the way down her neck. "I'm not-" she starts, but she stops, apparently unsure what to say.
"You are!" I say, unable to contain myself, startling myself with my own voice. I'm shaking. I feel suddenly hysterical. I can hear that in my voice tooāthe panic, the loose ends. I know I'm fucking everything upāfor myself, even for my packābut I can't put myself back together. "Meredith! What is going ON?"
Meredith is still looking past me, at Alpha Yale, who is looking back at her desperately. They seem to be having some sort of conversation with their eyes. I can't stand it. I may not have my Wolf, but I feel myself transforming into some monstrous version of myself that I never knew existsāsome desperate, angry, clawing thing that cannot stay quiet, no matter what catastrophe I bring down upon myself.
"Someone say SOMETHING!" I shout, and even Brayden looks shocked by my outburst.
Meredith's mouth is open, as if she'll speak, but nothing comes out. Kristofer takes another bite of a pancake.
I'm about to grab someone by the shoulders and start shaking them, when Caleb looks up from behind his hand and says, "Y.N.āYale. I don't wanna air your whole life out, but you need to say something here."
Yale looks at him, opens his mouth, shuts it again, and takes a deep breath through his nose.
"She's not Meredith, M.C."
I'm about to argue, and he knows it, because I inhale, sharp and fast, ready to yell, to tell him he's wrong, he's lying.
But he reaches across the coffee table and puts a hand on my knee.
"I amāwas," He says, awkwardly, painfully.
I cannot even begin to understand what he means.
"And that's Willow," he says. "Was Meredith. Was, uh, me?"
"I'm losing track of this explanation," offers Kristofer, uselessly.
I look back at MeredithāWillow?āwho shrugs and smiles sheepishly, like she still has no idea what to say.
I feel faint. Everything is catching up to me at once. The days before Alpha Yale's arrival that I didn't eatābarely slept. The shock of all things unfamiliar. The years of griefāof sleepless nights crying for Meredith. My vision goes vignette, blackening at the edges.
Caleb must notice first, because I hear him say my name, feel his hands on my back and chest, to steady me. I try to answer, but the words are like syrup in my mouth. I feel like I drool them, but I don't know if I really do.
The last thing I hear before I collapse is Kristofer's voice.
"I don't know if this matters, but we're also not Werewolves," he says. "We're Vampires."
So, Iāve been pulled over a few times in my life. Not many, but a few. And Iāve also been in a couple of cars that got pulled over. And let me tell you, if you were actually doing something wrong, the officer doesnāt make any small talk, just straight intoĀ āI clocked you doing 70 in a 55.ā The only time Iāve ever gotten theĀ ādo you know why I pulled you over?ā was the time when I wasnāt doing anything wrong, and I got let go even though he insisted to the end that I was doing 87 in a 70 (white privilege at work).
āDo you know why I pulled you over?ā is a trap. It means thereās a good chance the officer doesnāt actually have a good reason to ticket you, and is trying to get you to waive your 5th Amendment rights and incriminate yourself. If you make a guess, thatās a confession of guilt.
But thereās another trap, that Iāve heard of but havenāt yet experienced. ItāsĀ ādo you know how fast you were going?ā With that one, theyāre hoping youāll say no, because then they can name whatever speed they want ā you just said you didnāt know how fast you were going, if you deny the speed they name then youāre lying to them.
Oh, Iāve had that one. Go with āyes.ā Donāt give them a number, just say āYes.ā Then they still have to offer a number and you can deny it without contradicting yourself. They could just ask you, at that point, but thatās suspiciously similar to saying they donāt know, and they tend to avoid doing that.
Also, you can always go to court and contest a ticket, and a lot of times youāll win. Or if the cop thinks youāll win they wonāt even show up and youāll win by default.
They like to target out of state plates because anyone who would be majorly inconvenienced by a court date two months away is a lot more likely to just pay it.
I had a cop try to claim Iād turned left on red on an unprotected light while texting and that was why I got T-boned.
I had my dad drive me through the intersection where I got hit and took photos of the (very much protected) light, then got them printed.
When the judge asked me to plead I said not guilty and that Iād like to present evidence, if I could come up to the bench. He agreed.
I walked up, set down my photos, put my flip phone on top of them, and said āYour Honor, Iāll plead guilty as soon as the officer can explain how I was texting on this.ā
(Note for younger folks, this was 2010. Some flip phones and phone plans supported texting. Mine was not one of them.)
The whole ticket was a lie. I was in fact considered at fault for the wreckāif youāre turning left in Arizona youāre automatically at faultābut the ticket was dismissed because it was a protected light and I had a phone that physically could not text.
Cops lie on tickets. All the time.
Read the whole thing. Donāt dispute it with the cop. Dispute it in court.
Once they really did catch me speeding and they gave me a court date on Memorial Day, when city hall was closed. So I came in the next day and filled out a piece of paper and they dismissed the ticket because it had been impossible to show up for the court date.
Another time they gave me a parking ticket because I forgot to move my car to the other side of the street on the evening of Yom Kippur, so I came in on the court date and filled out a piece of paper explaining what Yom Kippur was and why it distracted me from moving the car, and they dismissed the ticket.
If you are Canadian and an officer asks you āwhy did I pull you over todayā say this: āplease explain why you are pulling me over?ā calmly and straight. Like prev said, police do the same thing in Canada. This is also considered entrapment by Canadian law, nevertheless do not answer that question. They are required by the law to explain your charges so you understand fully. If you are under 18, you leally can not speak to an officer without a guardian present.
If it seems suspicious and you are maybe uncomtortable with the situation. You can call the local dispatch and ask them to verfy or even send another car to ensure your satety. That officer has to wait for you to talk to dispatch/for the other car. Do not roll down your windows.
The car has to be in the open and visible, no barriers, not on private property ( if they are on private property such as a driveway they cannot be on private property without permission from the landowner. They never ask permission). Watch if they touch your vehicle, they are not allowed to actually touch your property without consent or a warrant, however police are taugnt to toucn your vehicle (usually the back end as they walkup on tratfic stops in case they go missing). Still, legally they cannot touch your car which Is your possession. without permission/warrant prior to asking.
Fighting your ticket(s): a large majority of the time officers do not appear in court, if the officer is not present the case is thrown out. Take the lawyer, tell them anything that could be reason to throw the case out: such as using āentrapping languageā, ask if the officer is present, refusing my right to have a parent/guardian present before speaking to an officer, if you ask to only speak with a lawyer right away (and do not speak afterwards), if they refuse to tell you their name and badge number, if you were not fully explained through the ticket process/charging process ( had a case thrown out because the officer did not explain how the ticket works, he said āyou know this worksā and walked away), If they enter your vehicle at any point (sticking their hand or head, even if they are smelling inside your vehicle while the window is down) that is entering private property, if they do not ask you if you understand and if at any time you were not explained and/or at any point you did not understand, or verbally did not say vou understand. Police can be sloppy take advantage.
So many people seem to implicitly have this idea that on your 18th (or 25th) birthday a second stork arrives and gives you your sexual orientation, gender identity, and sex drive. Before that happens you just have no idea about any it and if you think you do it's because you have been corrupted by porn or "social contagion" or "gay recruitment" or whatever.
any time i hear the insufferable transphobic athlete arguments i think of that one time in middle school when my boys lacrosse team did a full-contact scrimmage against the girls team (who typically play with limited contact) and i, a six-foot, 180lb defender, got utterly laid-out by this 5-foot-nothing girl experiencing the newly-unleashed animosity accompanied by violent sport and as i looked up at my assailant from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality and fell wildly in love and then had to be taken to the ER because i had a concussion
sometimes people try to tell me that scientists are paragons of rationality and I have to break it to them that I have yet to work in a lab that didnāt have at least one weird secret shrine in it
In Taiwan we have a special brand of snacks named ä¹ä¹ (literally means āwell behavedā but in a casual way like when oneās compliment a child or a pet of being good) that has green package.
It has become the lucky charm in the IT industry because engineers believe it will make machine acting good (like the name of the snack) and stay in green light (like the color of the snackās package) when a ä¹ä¹ is put on top of a server.
It is the only food allowed in a server room and the biggest semicondoctor company in Taiwan (which is also the biggest worldwide) even commissioned the snack factory to make a customized version with blessing on the package.
This is how a server room is blessed by ä¹ä¹. You put at least one on top of each server. Itās important that the engineers change them before the expire date because legend says the snack looses itās power after expire date.
Youāll hear engineers swearing up and down that their server room crushed down the one time they forgot to change the snack. Ā Or some newbie ate the forbidden snack put on top of their server and caused a disastrous crush down.
The ä¹ä¹ religion later spread to all people who want their machine to act nice. In the lab we put ä¹ä¹ on ultra-low freezer (you really donāt want it to drop dead along with your 2 yearsā worth of sample/data), mass spectrometer etc.
When Taiwanās about to launch the first self made satellite in 2017, the develop team even put ä¹ä¹ around the satellite model to prey for a successful launch (it did). This shit is real.
the replacement of websites with apps sounds so backwards when you actually describe it. like hmm you have to download an entire program onto your device each time you want access to a portal, where it takes up storage indefinitely. somebody should invent an app where you can "browse" any portal just by typing in its address... š„“
Honestly, Tvyek is pretty miraculous. Itās permeable to water vapor but not to water, itās nearly impossible to tear, but can be easily cut. Itās cheap and made entirely without binding chemicals. In addition to being used for wristbands, itās used to wrap construction sites to keep out water during construction, for tear-resistant envelopes at Fed-Ex, coveralls for mechanics, and my wallet, actually.
Fun tip, though it looks like paper, Tyvek is plastic, and cannot be recycled with paper.
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