Today In Geek History

This page is the home of I Want to be an Awesome Robot, my work in progress comedy book. Every day throughout 2013 I presented a not really true snippet of the history of geekdom. There are now compilations (Part 1 and Part 2) available if you would like to listen to it in 90-minute chunks rather than over 300 individual posts averaging a minute or less. Although the Today in Geek History audio calendar proper is now complete, more audio posts will be forthcoming as I explore other related topics in the history of geekdom, post excerpts from other parts of the book, and respond to questions from readers/listeners. See Studio UFO for more info. Twitter: @nekoewen

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Awesome! I love Microsoft and computer geeks (especially Bill Gates), so post more information about computer , Microsoft and geeks.

I am currently in the process of compiling the Today in Geek Alternate History calendar, but since you asked, here are some more facts about Microsoft:

There was a Windows 9, but it was removed from our timeline because CEO Satya Nadella was forced to sacrifice it to close the Window, the dangerous dimensional portal located beneath Microsoft’s headquarters in Redmond, WA.

If you have ever used Word 97, Clippy watches you as you sleep.

The “NT” in Windows NT stands for “No Turtles.” Bill Gates hated the Logo programming language.

Bing is generally considered inferior to Google, but Bing is superior for finding ways to poach eggs. No one knows why.

The Xbox failed in Japan for a variety of reasons; one that is seldom talked about is that the original Xbox never learned to use chopsticks and had a habit of playing with people’s business cards.

Bill Gates has boxes containing 600,000 business cards with his name and “MACROHARD” on them in his home’s basement. The last person to ask him about them was never heard from again.

Microsoft made a special customized version of Windows for Prince, Windows 99, complete with a special “Purple Rain” screensaver. Prince used it for 6 years before abruptly smashing all of his computers with a purple guitar and switching to Linux.

The Microsoft iLoo was sadly canceled, and thus similar products such as the iShitter, iBidet, iRubber, iPwn, and iSmack never made it past the conceptual phase.

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I Want to be an Awesome Robot is now available on Amazon. It seems the Elders of the Internet have approved. A PDF is also available via DriveThruFiction for those of you who prefer to consume books using digital sorcery.

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The proof of I Want to be an Awesome Robot. Following some corrections and of course the usual bibliomancy rituals it will soon be available on Amazon.

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Clay Gardner just sent me this preview of the cover design for I Want to be an Awesome Robot, which means the world is about to become a slightly stranger place.

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The release of I Want to be an Awesome Robot is getting close, and the year of recording will kinda sorta go somewhere. To that end I've set up a page on my game blog,which now includes two free PDFs from the book's Fun Activities section:

The Bird Game is a simple card game, a derivative of Channel A, in which you attempt to assemble the best bird name and explain to the Bird Czar why yours is the better bird.

The Coloring Section has four geeky coloring pieces by Dawn Davis.

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I have now uploaded a compilation of the second half of Today in Geek History. You can also find Part 1 here. Together, they will enable you to listen to my voice for just over 3 hours, if you're into that kind of thing.

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December 31, 2012

On this day, the world still didn’t end. Some people were disappointed again, and not just because it was a Monday and they had to go to work like usual. There was also the fact that this calendar has run out of days, for example.

But there is more of the future to be had. There always is. Maybe it will be a story of mankind’s slide into oblivion, of how we poison our own home and fade out, leaving this planet to other species. But I choose to believe that we will survive, that while we’ve stumbled at times, in the aggregate we’ve only become better with the passing of time, and that one day we will build our City of the Future and know peace and prosperity for all. I choose to believe in hope, because the alternative is despair.

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That is the end of the Today in Geek History calendar. I'd like to take the opportunity to thank everyone who listened. This project wasn't a smash hit success, but it was fun. It was also involved enough that I won't be able to do another daily podcast any time soon, though I do hope to eventually follow up with Today in Geek Alternate History, and some day Tomorrow in Geek History. The history of geekiness spreads across many eras and dimensions, and there are matters like the Tome of the Ashen Hawk, the Cable Time War, and the mysterious activities of Stephen Hawking to explore.

However, Today in Geek History is but one component of a larger work, a forthcoming book of fake trivia, almanackery, and memoir titled I Want to be an Awesome Robot. In its pages you will be able to learn about the untrue history of RPGs, Japanese sayings, 8 Things You Did Not Know About Bacon, the Secrets of Silicon Valley (including the truth about Apple headquarters and the origins of San Jose's infamous Quetzalcoatl statue), take a peek into the world of cryptoanthropology, play some dumb mad libs and a CYOA type thing, and learn maybe a bit more about me than you probably should. I will be posting audio excerpts of the book here periodically, leading up to the book's actual release.

Anyway, thank you again for listening. I hope to be heard by you again soon.

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December 30, 2012

In the Smithsonian’s exhibit on U.S. presidents, the “A Glorious Burden” exhibit, Time Lincoln sees his steam-powered top hat in a museum case, covered with the dust of decades. He smashes the glass with his bare fist and activates it. History Crab attacks. This confrontation is brutal, with none of their prior gentlemanly fisticuffs. History Crab struggles to keep Lincoln from putting on the hat. They crash through a window, and struggle their way to the Lincoln Memorial. Lincoln’s greatest battle takes place with his own visage, wrought in white stone, staring down at him.

With one final, desperate lunge, Lincoln puts on his hat. The Lincoln Memorial stands at last, and brings one stone foot down on History Crab’s carapace. It is over, at long last. Without History Crab’s influence, this alternate timeline unravels. The Cult of the Man-Crab, the Epic Rap Battle, the blasted future of 20XX, all of it is gone from history. Abraham Lincoln awakens in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House with Fido and Mary at his side, his entire journey reduced to a strange dream. He returns to the business of governing a nation.

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December 29, 2012

Wells’ time machine crash-lands in Washington, D.C., at the National Mall. Abraham Lincoln wanders about, taking in the tall, proud monuments new and old. He walks through the Smithsonian, marveling at the achievements of Americans and of all mankind. He sees that though scars will remain, the Union will be preserved through the fury and horror of the Civil War, the only civil war America has yet known.

Over the many video recordings, over the narrating voices of Liam Neeson, Sigourney Weaver, and John Cleese, Lincoln does not hear the scuttling sound. History Crab is close. Too close.

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December 28, 1982

Tom Hanks appears in the made for TV movie Mazes and Monsters, a dramatization of a paranoid Christian group’s fever dreams about the true story of a boy who committed suicide as a result of playing Dungeons & Dragons, and not at all because of other psychological problems. It remains Tom Hanks’ finest role.

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December 27, 1831

Charles Darwin embarks on a journey in the HMS Beagle that would lead him to formulate his theory of evolution, as well as the notion that strange people from the future were following him around, trying to pelt him with bananas.

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December 26

The British celebrate this day as “Boxing Day,” an occasion for boxing up one’s Christmas presents and going shopping to buy even more stuff.

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December 25

Happy Life Day! On this day Wookies across the galaxy return to Kashyyyk to celebrate all life on their home planet and, like, stand around in red robes or something. This is canon in the Star Wars universe. I am not making this up.

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December 24

The day before Christmas (and Life Day) is called “Christmas Eve.” Children are advised to beware of the all-knowing, all-seeing Santa Claus, and should content themselves to hallucinate about obscure old people candies.

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December 23, 1986

The Rutan Voyager becomes the first aircraft to make a nonstop flight around the world without refueling. It has since gained sentience and attempted to physically join with Chuck Yeager.

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December 22

Nothing happened on this day. Ever. Shut up. This calendar project is making me crazy but I’m almost done.

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December 21, 2012

On this day, the world didn’t end. Some people were disappointed by this for some reason. The surviving Maya just rolled their eyes. The world they knew ended a long time ago.