GeminiTwinkle

An open exploration of my damanged mind in my continued journey through my depths

[geminitwinkle]

I only long for the moon more than the sea. But the sea I can touch.

[geminitwinkle]

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...unless it's a slow death.

[geminitwinkle]

Correlation? Causality? Hallucination? Reality.

I have known I hallucinate now for almost 22 yrs. Not the little flicker as you fall asleep (hypnagogia). Not ghosts. Not fucked up on drugs ( though the right substance can really bring it out more). very common has been bugs, small mammals ( cats, mice, and the sorts) and adult male humans.  When I first became aware of these things I was very scared. My real fear of spiders and insects where pushed into heightened state by this. My fear for my safety, especially pertaining to men, was also escalated. Thankfully I never have been scared for cats, mice or bunnies. most of these hallucinations moved- quickly. like fleeting from me. as time went of the shifted to the periphery of my vision and decreased in frequency; Not unlike my other symptoms: nightmares, irrational anxieties and fears, flash backs, insomnia. But unlike my other symptoms- I never told anyone I had them. the sacred me the most so i figured they would scare other people too.

Then they stopped. It all stopped; the night mare, the flashbacks, I felt free. it was about 2.5 yrs ago. It had been taping off over the years ever so slowing. it’s like someone who is withering away in front of you. You don’t notice they have lost 20 lbs. But for someone who has not seen them in while, they would spot it instantly. So at first I wondered if it was real. could it be gone? Really GONE? maybe this was just the longest in-between I had ever been. I sat on it longer. Them I needed to confirm it. I told my best friend who had known me for 16 yrs at the time. He had slept next o me while I lay awake. He had been awoken by my nightmares. He had talked me down from panic attacks and hold me. He knew this was real. I also told him about the hallucinations for the first time...well now the lack of. He could not remember the last time I had  night mare or panic attack ( the 2 he could objectively asses) this state of bliss continues for 5 more months. it was 9 months in total. I went form living in fear to living in fear of the fear coming back to living with out fear.....and then it came back. A trigger- my sister- I had never expected crashed my whole bright new world and sucked me back into the black hole.

I’ve told a few people since this time that I have the hallucinations. A new shrink I saw for a bit this winter. A close friend and co-worker I keep secrets for ( as does he for me). My sister who I needed to understand why I would be distant from her in the future and hoped she was able to heal some day too. That even though i was leaving her alone - she was not alone. Then over the next year I experienced a peak, a crash, and then a taper. Like the previous cycle on speed. And then the rest...but this time it was not with the fear at the beginning and the high as it progressed. Much more of an steady acceptance. It was not unknown this time.

About 3 months ago in this journey I told a new friend and lover in my life about this side of me. When I brought up the hallucinations it had been a while. I noticed after I told him I there were no more. A few night ago I told my other lover and friend. Then tonight...sitting outside looking across the runway at the small airport I saw him. Yes a single man. He was in the shadows with his hood up and he walked from one dark side of the runaway to the other. He turned to look at me. 

I shook my head. He stayed a few more steps. It was 1 am. I was alone in the hangar. Only my lap top open and head lamp on. I went back to my reading. I looked up. He was still there..or had come back. This time standing. I blinked he was gone. I was to scared to move. What if some one was really out there. I mean there is a lot of space and it’s not super secure. It had been a while since I had had a hallucination mid vision field and so long in time-almost 4 or 5 seconds. Not the fleeting 0.5 seconds in the periphery I had become used to. Then I saw the bugs go across my lap. Not the little flying pests they where circling the head lamp. The Beetles. 

I gathered my self and calmly walked back to the front of the and went into the small living space there. I shut the door. I sat down. I wondered about the times I tell people about the hallucinations and how they some to fade or repair. I doubt that is it...but i wonder no the less. 

now I lay me down to sleep....

[wordsnquotes]

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

Mark Nepo (via wordsnquotes)

[i-drum-deactivated20190923]

[karnalapple]

😘

[geminitwinkle]

My world ain't ever gonna stop spinning

[geminitwinkle]

Confessions

I hallucinate. Well I have hallucinated. All my adult life. It became normalized to me after 20 yrs. Then it, the bad dreams , the anxiety....it tapered off. I was scared to tell anyone least I jinx it. I finally told someone. My best friend and partner of 16.5 yrs at the time. I had the best summer after that. Of course the shit can back in about 9 months. Just shy of 18 yrs my partner left and I wondered what the cycle would be like. Now only18 months after it all returned and 6 months after the ex is gone I realize it has been a while. Nor a long while but long enough I feel safe in acknowledging it. I have told a few people I've gotten close with over the past years what I have experienced. But now once again I'm scared more to say what I'm not!

[geminitwinkle]

This sucks.

I'm pretty sure that of all the unhealthy things I do and have done the culturally excepted vice of over eating is what will kill me. If not from obesity, if not from some related disease like Diabetes, if not from musculoskeletal pain then from the depression I experience in the downward spiral as slip and gain weight and slip further and gain more and hate myself and feel like I can no longer enjoy my life fully anymore. Who would have thought that drugs nor alcohol nor impulsive sex would seem to crush me more- probably because I hide these things from some parts of my life, have to balance them so I am not consumed and have to have some control over them...whereas the food is right out in the open and is even graciously offered to me by others who have no clue of my weakness. I can say no to a needle-there are other highs. I can say no to a glass- there are other relaxers and inhibition calmers. I can say no to a cock- I can have healthy sex alone or with someone else the next day. I have a very difficult time saying no to something I need-food- to survive.

[geminitwinkle]

Fuck...

…I starting to slip into depression again. Its like a train wreck in those milliseconds before the derailment where time stands still and every detail becomes vivid beyond belief, it all blurs together and there is nothing you can do but watch and feel the shock wave.

[geminitwinkle]

2 yrs ago it all stopped...

Well it was more than 2 yrs ago. but it was 2 yrs a go I dared tell another sole. I had been months before that- but I really don’t know when the line was drawn from stopping to recognizing it stopped.

No nightmares

No hallucinations

No obsessive thoughts

No overwhelming anxiety 

No unrealistic fears

It was like Fucking Heroine 

The symptoms had tapered off and I was “normal”. I still had the scars, but the bleeding had stopped. I was scared if I spoke it I would bleed through. It didn’t- well not at first. I had scabbed over- but of course one day it was picked at...no- ripped off!  

I  crashed back full force and harder than ever. Unlike when it began 19 yrs prior, when I had not clue what was happening, this time I could see, hear, taste, understand every aspect of it. like drug addict who had been in withdrawal enough times to know every stage. it was like a movie- both hyper-speed and slow-mo all at once. I was not experiencing it in an alien form like before- it was a highly educated, real and scientific experience this time. All the years of my complied work in condensed form for me to “solve”. I mored the loss of my perfect drug- the freedom of the hell. 

Well now here I am 2 yrs later.  A marriage and friendship of almost 18 yrs ended- not because of this- but not helped by this.  The one person I could share my demons with- and then share my heaven with. In this time a return to seeing a shrink and then the passive ending of seeing a shrink ( I use the word “shrink” with all the love in the world- mental health counselors are gifted and skilled people who I value greatly in both my professional and personal life).

So 2 yr later...I wonder if I am almost high again. High on life without all this. This time I do remember the last dream. I do remember the hyper vigilant hallucination and the tapering of them . As do I the obsessive thoughts, the anxiety and the fears...just fading and now gone..but for how long. I’m scared to get get high again.I s this just a long in-between or the end of a cycle.  I want the high...but the crash? Is that risk worth it. 

Now I have no one left I trust enough to tell all this too, so I put it here of you- the world- to read. 

[geminitwinkle]

Happier

Once again I can see the gun against my head. I feel the trigger pulled. I hear the discharge and watch my head get shoved from the impact and recoil back in slow motion.  the smoke. the brains splattered. the blood. 

Today I smiled though,  as I thought it but it didn’t happen and I don’t want it. 

I’m happier. I guess you just have to be up here to get it. glad it’s just me and me for once. it’s all good. 

yep still smiling. 

[geminitwinkle]

The lunatic is in my head. All that I love, all that I hate...all I create,all I destroy....all that is now,all that's to come..is eclipsed.

[geminitwinkle]

I'm not sure what "it" is. But I'm sick of it.

[geminitwinkle]

That awkward fucked up family moment ...

When your sister writes on face book... (Dad) can fuck of and die.... And you want to "uber like" the post.

[geminitwinkle]

Contingency Plan

Everything was bad. I wanted it end.

I learned to seek ways out. I learned to end things I did not want.

Now it is not always bad. I do not always want out.

Somedays it seems like all I know is to plan for failure to ensure a way out or sabotage to get one. 

[geminitwinkle]

Let's do drugs

I don't do drugs. Well I dont do meth, coke, acid, opiods, benzos, weed, or molly. I do drugs. Caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, ambien, doxlymine, motrin. I make drugs. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, epinephrine, melatonin. I make my drugs from music, sex, running, swimming, sunshine, water, love, pain, fear, lust, fanasty. Somedays I like to do drugs alone. Some days I deal. No matter what I will die happy.

[geminitwinkle]

I don't do drugs. Well I dont do meth, coke, acid, opiods, benzos, weed, or molly. I do drugs. Caffeine, chocolate, alcohol, ambien, doxlymine, motrin. I make drugs. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, oxytocin, epinephrine, melatonin. I make my drugs from music, sex, running, swimming, sunshine, water, love, pain, fear, lust, fanasty. Somedays I like to do drugs alone. Some days I deal. No matter what I will die happy.

[geminitwinkle]

I want to kill myself...again.

But i don't want to die. I don't even have that feeling that I want my life as I know it to end, vanish, disappear either. Maybe what I really want is to do drugs. Drugs better than any drug I've ever tried just to escape right now. But then, i don't really like to get fucked up on shit that much and it never took me where I needed so why would it now. I think about why I can't die. The obligations I have. The real ones and those Im delusional about. I think about why I need to live...at least that's an easy answer-me. Im a selfish bitch who likes to live. Simple enough. I'm very lonely tonight. I miss my cat who grew old and died. I miss my best freind who I could not being happiness to and our relationship ended. I don't truly think it was my job to make him happy. I don't think I made him that unhappy at the beginnings of his unhappiness. I know I did at the end. Maybe instead of killing me I just kill the ones I love. I'm confused and alone. My bed. I made it. Time to go to sleep for a bit. Tomorrow I'll try to make new imaginary friends.