I donât want to be aro. Not really.
Not when I see a world thatâs so full of love and beautiful connections.
Not when I see the people at the movies give up everything, sacrifice everything, to be with their loved ones. Their laughter. Their dignity. Their lives.
It just looks... good. Like it would be something I could enjoy.
The weightlessness of a first kiss. The lazy mornings in bed together.The dinners and coffees and late night rides. I want it all. Except... I donât.
Rather... I just wish I would.
It all sounds good in theory.
Meet somebody fall in love, get a house, have some kids.
Marry the princess. Save the kingdom.
Marry the prince. Save yourself.
Itâs all good in theory.
Up until I realized all the kisses felt empty. There were no fireworks.
There wasnât any warmth in their hugs. No matter how tight my grip was.
All my smiles felt forced.
I wanted to throw up with every compliment they threw my way.
I wanted to scream every time they whispered sweet nothings in my ear. But it wasnât any they did. Itâs not that kind of story.
I asked them for space and they gave it.
I asked them for time and they gave it.
But still... I ended up having to let them go.
Whatâs so wrong with me that I couldnât return their feelings? As good friends as we were, I ended it as soon as they wanted more.
It didnât make sense to me.
All my books were about romance.
I had memorized all the fairy tales at my disposal.
Watched all the Disney movies. All the romcoms.
All the shows that I watched had a main couple to root for. And a second couple for the comedic relief. Sometimes a third, sometimes a fourth, sometimes a fifth.
Never a sixth. That would be too many, I think.
But still! I was promised love!
And Iâm in love with love!
And itâs so frustrating that I donât.
I know I should be content.
Romantic love isnât the only kind that exists. I know that.
I have my friends and I have my family.
But Iâm so sick of their looks. So sick of their questions.
âWhen can we meet him? Or is it a her?â
âYouâll find somebody, donât worry.â
And I want to say back, I DONT WANT THAT. I want to scream it.
Canât they see that Iâm trying?
So why should I be the only one without somebody?
I wanted a white cake with little yellow flowers.
I wanted a white dress, trimmed with lace.
I even have the Pinterest board, you see?
I wanted to want it. Iâve planned for it all my life.
But in all of my planning there was never a groom, or a bride, or a spouse.
Just a faceless blob, waiting for me at the end of the isle.
And it seems so hopeless.
I donât want to be aro not really. But thereâs nothing I can do about it.
So I try to arm myself with sassy remarks, and I-donât-cares, and âMarriage is a social construct not necessary to be happy.â
I see other aros so comfortable in their identities. Ready to fight for their right to exist until their knuckles bleed.
I want to join them. To shout from the rooftops that I AM NOT ALONE. I DONT NEED ROMANTIC LOVE TO BE COMPLETE.
To wave their flag around with pride. Wrap it around my shoulders like a cape and feel the warmth Iâm so desperately lacking.
But even for that Iâm too scared.
Because there are still people all around that say that Iâm faking these feelings. That its impossible to not feel the fireworks in a kiss.
Itâs impossible to not fall for your best friend.
That I havenât tried hard enough. I havenât given it my all.
And for a second I believe them.
I donât want to be aro not really.
But which feelings should I fake then?
The love that isnât there?
Or the confidence in myself when I say that Iâm not lonely?
I donât want to be aro, not really.
Because it feels like Iâm missing out on something wonderful.
I donât want to be aro not really.
And I hope I can make my peace with it soon.
Because itâs such a pretty flag, and it deserves to be flown with pride.