I don't know what to title this

[chimaerakitten]

Masterpost for the Extremely Silly Temeraire Twitter AU

it occurred to me today that for all that this AU has its own tag (#the Temeraire Twitter AU) now, it's still very difficult to find all the things various people have added. So here's a master post of all the bits I know of. Let me know if I missed anything!

Posts with Content:

Origin Post

Longest Branch of the origin post including fake tweets

Emily running Temeraire’s account while he tweets like an old person (Complete with art)

What Laurence's Twitter Profile would look like

Interacting with uni students on twitter, ft. Emily, Jane, and Tharkay

another branch of that post with a meme

Tidbits about Prince Mianning, and where Napoleon is in all of this

Metaposts about the AU:

this concept does not hold up at all but it is very funny

having fun

the circle of silliness

shoutout to @darlingofdots @queenofsovngarde @aspirationsxarexmotivations @heathcliffgirl1847 and @thelibrariancreatesart!

[chimaerakitten]

it's been a while so time to update this master post with:

In universe memes

Emily Roland's profile

his husband is NEPALI

Laurence writes work emails

A post that is not in the AU but is related:

Elexuscal and I try to make the AU make sense and instead invent a YA dystopia AU

[chimaerakitten]

Twitter AU!Laurence writes incredibly informative and improbably clear work emails but unfortunately his life events make them all sound like that one “against my best wishes I have been shot” professor email meme at least 60% of the time:

From: William Laurence, [email protected]

To: Temeraire Flight Crew

7 minutes ago

Hello all,

Unfortunately, I have to reschedule the training exercises, and I will have to take leave on Thursday. Against my best wishes, I have been shot in a duel and am being treated in the ER. Temeraire also has the plague, and the court date for my high treason trial is set for Friday. Admin hours are still 11-12 on Mon/Wed, with your first lieutenant. If I am not hanged, the exercise will be moved to Monday of next week. Keep reviewing the maneuvers, and remember to maintain your harnesses.

Respectfully,

W. Laurence

[darlingofdots]

Of course this only gets funnier once the crew effectively consists of Emily, Demane, and Sipho. They're all sitting around bickering about something and their phones go *ding* and Emily looks up to where Laurence is sitting by Temeraire within not-even-shouting distance like "Please be aware that dinner will be delayed today on account of an appointment with Cpt. Granby" (the appointment is going to check out a cool rock Iskierka saw)

[chimaerakitten]

They don’t even have cell service in the middle of the Australian outback, Temeraire is carrying a small local network booster thing purely to facilitate this type of communication

[darlingofdots]

every now and then my brain throws "his husband is NEPALI" at me and then I have to giggle for a little bit before I calm down again

[darlingofdots]

okay so like. Laurence finally gets with the program enough to propose. they have several lengthy conversations about obligation and how Temeraire will take it and the potential threat to his political career but eventually the three of them figure it out together. they start telling people. they make vague plans to sign the papers in private and then have a small get-together with close friends. it's not a big deal! they've been retired for years and Laurence has mostly faded into the background enough that nobody really pays that much attention to him anymore. they're just going to have a chill little celebration and nothing much will change otherwise.

until the poor sod in the foreign office whose job it still is to keep an eye on That Traitorous Bastard gets his hands on the preliminary paperwork they've had to file and freaks the fuck out because no matter what he says Laurence is still a prince of China and the Imperial family is definitely going to have opinions about this

[darlingofdots]

oh my god the like. modern history university students moaning and complaining about their assignments and "how am I supposed to remember where this guy went first he's been bloody everywhere!" and joking about blaming all world events in the past 20 years on Will Laurence because it's like a 50/50 chance and there's all these heated classroom debates about whether he made the right choice because he was preventing war crimes or whether he's a dangerous terrorist who should be in prison and then somebody points out like "I mean he's on Twitter, see he just posted about the swallows nesting in his shed, his husband trains birds" and they're all "he's GAY???"

[chimaerakitten]

[screaming] yes yes omg and the students who already know he's on twitter will shamelessly exploit his tendency to answer questions out of politeness if you just put a little effort into phrasing them nice and hit one of his weak points by mentioning you need it for a Proper Education

(I ran out of tweets the fake tweet maker would let me have but every reply to Emily is some variation of screaming)

[darlingofdots]

there's a data leak somewhere so a bunch of photos and documents from Australia get spread online and there's a huge outcry over what they reveal about the British attempt to bomb the Chinese harbour and the mismanagement of Sydney and it's all very messy but also somewhere in there are private photos from the construction of Temeraire's pavilion in the valley, Laurence bearded and shirtless and sweaty carrying a slab of marble on his shoulders, and for a solid week the Internet is all awash with "wait this dude I had to read about in my International Relations class looked like this?" "damn rose garden dude's ripped" "@Excidium_IV explain this" "if I had to pick a convicted traitor 😏" and Tharkay likes every single one of these tweets

[chimaerakitten]

Jane’s account is run by her secretary and posts exclusively announcements like “charity drive to benefit elderly dragons starting tomorrow” and “road to Dover covert closed for repairs until 6pm Wednesday”—she might force Laurence to use Twitter but she’s not going to subject herself to that nonsense, no way.

But she’s made an exception to watch this train wreck so while Tharkay’s having a great time, Laurence is fighting back embarrassment just enough to text her behind the scenes like “my sincerest apologies that this seems to be spilling over into Emily’s notifications and yours. It’s highly inappropriate.”

And she’s like “are you kidding, this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in years. If anything, I’m only offended they all assumed you weren’t hot. Tharkay is obviously enamored with you beyond reason but there’s no cause to question my taste. What do you think would happen if I posted that photo of you from when we met? The one where you’re wearing that coat that was too tight across the shoulders.”

And Laurence is like “I beg of you, do not.”

(She DMs it to Tharkay anyway)

[darlingofdots]

Jane and Laurence's affair is one of those things that's like, not not public knowledge but ever since Jane has become such a force people have kind of collectively decided to forget it, which Jane thinks is a perfect shame because it's just so funny. Every year like clockwork Laurence becomes the accidental face of bi visibility week despite the fact that he has never willingly been public about his orientation or relationships. He categorically refuses to be involved in any Pride event because he can't stand his name being used like that but he's a generous supporter of queer youth orgs in his county.

Emily has to explain the concept of a thirst trap to him and he refuses to have any pictures taken of himself for a whole year. One day Granby sends her a video of a Will Laurence drag act to Total Eclipse of the Heart

[darlingofdots]

#‘stop calling will Laurence a bi icon he’s a convicted traitor’#‘my dude the treason IS the icon behavior’#temeraire#the temeraire twitter au (tags via @chimaerakitten

Bringing this post back because it made me laugh. Again. The treason IS the icon behaviour you are so right

[sabotage-on-mercury]

Shane and Ilya have a set of role play personas they occasionally switch to. The bellboy and the guest are the OGs. But then there is also Ilya pretending to be a poor stripper seducing his sugar daddy Shane, a fantasy Ilya created after hearing 'The way I are' by Timbaland one too many times in his clubbing era and Shane is so feral for this particular play, especially when they are out celebrating with the team and Ilya quitely tries to sell the next dance to Shane. There is also the CEO Ilya and Assistant Shane game they play to pass the time whenever it's time to do admin stuff like taxes (and they are both so horrible at keeping up the pretense cause they are so removed from corporate life to create a realistic fantasy). Ilya gets particularly hot for Shane pretending to be a plumber or meachnic or some kind of handyman who is so willing to take a pounding different kind of payment. Their all times favorite though is pretending to be strangers, trying to pick each other up. Sitting in a pub, one of them buying drinks, eyefucking across the bar, the first stolen touches. Or strangers bumping into each other at the supermarket. Or having a '101 dalamations' kind of meet cute. There is something about being so able to flirt so openly and unashamedly flirting with another after having to keep their infections secret for so long.

[khaleesiofalicante]

i want an au fic where yuna and david are obsessed with "the sweet russian boy from the farmer's market". none of this "there were no nice men in montreal?" or "i thought you hated him" bullshit. no no. yuna and david think ilya shits roses and rainbows. they think ilya is the second coming of jesus. shane is so sick of this bullshit. shane thinks it's some rando who is trying to scam his parents. shane thinks this dude is weird for spending so much time with a couple in their 50s. shane gets competitive. and then shane comes out to his parents and since then, they've been shamelessly trying to set them up (lowkey tried to set them up when shane was straight too, but that's a different thing), and shane is not having it, thank you very much. ilya, who has seen the entire album 'shanebug' on david hollander's phone is disgustingly in love with the pretty boy with freckles who apparently hates him for some reason. shane will rather die than date this asshole who is trying to steal his parents. then shane sees the pic yuna posts on her instagram and ohhhhh that's what ilya rozanov looks like and now he has to pretend like he still hates ilya lest everyone involved finds out that shane is a slut for gorgeous russian men with perfect curls and pretty moles and beefy arms.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.

[jimmysownworld]

i love the “hollanov has a crush on carter vaughn” take not necessarily in a “i think they would invite him to watch” way but more in a “ilya would accidentally let it slip while chirping at shane to fluster him that vaughn is at the top of their ‘would’ list and vaughn is a little thrown off and straight so he’s like “are you guys asking?” and ilya laughs and pats his shoulder and assures him “absolutely not, i do not share my shane, we just think you are good looking man, i like that you are pretty and fun and my shane likes that you are serious about hockey and have good grooming habits. is not serious, do not worry vaughny we will not be asking you to witness me and my beautiful husband ever” and vaughn low key is overjoyed about it, his teammates who are around and hear the exchange are sometimes like “that doesnt bother you? you dont find that a bit weird?” but vaugh genuinely is just like “rozanov just called me pretty and fun enough to hang out with and hollander thinks im good at hockey and clean enough for him, you could hand me a nobel peace prize and it wouldnt come close to this achievement” and eventually it gets out to the general public so vaughn is captioning his instagram posts shit like “#1 contender for being the hockey husbands third goes fishing” despite shanes mortification about this getting out and vaughns clear delight with it” way

[grabmybush]

ilya rozanov who’s known to boston as the mysterious fuckboy from russia who chirps like he’s getting paid for it and is crazy good at hockey. one day a teammate is absent from a few games in a row and turns back up to practice with a fucking newborn and they’re all in their hockey gear fawning over this tiny baby. then once everyone’s said hi before practice, the crowd parts and ilyas just stood by the doorway, a literal deer in headlights staring at the bundle of blankets in his teammates arms and-

“do you wanna hold him?”

ilya’s moving forward before he can process the words and everyone’s holding their breath as he gathers the newborn into his arms, pausing to take his gloves off first. it’s a few tense seconds before the baby babbles and shifts slightly before tucking his head into the crook of his arm and swiftly falling to sleep.

ilya looks up to see his whole team stifling grins, “i think we’ve found the new babysitter” and he bites back a chirp because he doesn’t want to wake the baby he’s holding so delicately to his chest.

he’s stuck on the sidelines for the whole practice while he rocks the baby through the slams against walls, waving its little arm towards its dad when it eventually wakes up.

and yeah pictures surface soon after of fucking rozanov staring down at the baby in his arms with the fucking softest eyes and twitter has a field day proving he’s a softie at heart

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Okay but imagine being the team of Eridian scientists tasked with keeping Erid's Only Human alive for as long as possible while the whole planet's environment is literally trying to kill him. And then Rocky shows up and is like:

“Grace says he would like half of dome to be water.”

“Oh, is necessary for humans to have large amounts of water question?”

Small Eridian equivalent of a sigh. “No. Not needed for life. In fact Grace will die if he falls in water and does not get out.”

“Tell him we give him water in containers that won't kill him. Lots lots lots of water on Erid for Grace to drink.”

“No. Grace say he want water on ground. Also want it with excess sodium chloride compound so it will be unhealthy for drink.”

“WHY QUESTION???”

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

To celebrate Erid getting their sun back on track, Grace asks for some alcohol. There's a small amount left from the Hail Mary and Rocky offers to take it to the science Eridians to see if they can synthesise more.

“Grace want this liquid for celebration.”

“Of course.” They scan it. “You have wrong liquid. This contain compounds which are poisonous for humans.”

“Yes yes yes. Grace say humans like feeling of being slightly poisoned.”

“WHY QUESTION?????”

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

Grace is like one of those extremely finicky tropical fish who instantly die if not kept in extremely specific conditions.

Only here the fish can talk and keeps asking you to make it vodka.

[shrug-shrug-shrug]

people not realizing that anakin is the one obsessed with the jedi code, not obi-wan, is so understandable but also very funny bc like

obi-wan has space-catholic guilt, but anakin spends day and night going "the code the code i'M BREAKING THE CODE but i don't care because the code is stupid except Oh No i attacked master windu so now i'm going to jedi turbo hell according to the code i don't care about (except i totally do) might as well become a sith to cement my betrayal of the code"

while obi-wan's approach is "i'll unpack that later"

like. obi-wan follows the code more/"better," but anakin (whether following or going against it) is Haunted By It At All Times

and that's precisely why obi-wan fucks off into the desert and gets depressed while anakin goes on a genocidal rampage for 20+ years

[ilya-sweetheart]

hollanov on separate bedrooms

jackie: yeah separate bedrooms can be a blessing! i love hayden but sometimes i need my own space

shane: ????

hayden: it’s healthy for couples to get a breather! and it makes it more romantic when we share our bed again <3 even tho you kick in your sleep babe ahah

ilya: okei….

(later, at home)

ilya: don’t you ever dare sleep in a separate bed from me i will hunt you down

shane: fuck no never — also when you kick me in your sleep i just kick you right thefuck?? like grow a pair hayd, jeez

ilya: ok i see your point but maybe hayden shouldn’t kick his wife

shane: you’re right jackie should just kick him harder

ilya: exactly! we should be marriage counsellors, solving everybodies problems ))

[urie]

i looooooooove how annoying shane and ilya must be as the two best hockey players in the world just both of them being able to see the game at such an elite level and notice things no one else does and theyre basically speaking their own language to one another and saying things like "i dont even count a hat trick if its on an empty net if the goalie isnt there its NOT a real goal i think they should not count these" "absolutely if theres no challenge it isnt real" "exactlyyyyy" and they will say things like this in front of players who have Zero career hat tricks

[felixafterall]

Headcanon of the day:

Shane and Harris went to the same school and Harris saw this kid sitting alone during lunch and decided that is now my friend

Ofc they keep in contact over the years and Harris is the first Shane comes out too (after rose) and Harris is like “babes I thought we knew this”

Shane just stares at him for a while before replying “you couldn’t have let me know as well?” Then they laugh.

Harris freaks the fuck out when he hears Ilya is moving to Ottawa and Shane has to pretend that he has no fucking clue why Ilya is moving.

One day Harris invites Shane to one of the barbecues and he just says he’s bringing his old school friend named Shane. No one expects Shane fucking Hollander to show up. Not even Ilya.

Later that night Ilya is like “why didn’t you tell meeee???” Shane just turns to him with the most deadpanned expression and says “I did I talk about him regularly” and then falls asleep.

Ilya lays there staring at the ceiling for a while before he’s hit with several memories all at once the most prominent being the one where Shane tells him over the phone that one of his friends from school had pretty much gotten his dream job as media person with the centaurs. The other memories being little mentions of Harris here and there but all of them vague enough that he didn’t realize it was the same Harris

[ilya-sweetheart]

Boston boys 😎 groupchat

Ilya: everyone is welcome to dunkin’s funeral on friday

Cliff: who the fuck is dunkin?

St-Simon: you’re selling your ducati?!

Connors: you named your bike after dunkin donuts?

Ilya: yes and also yes; jane says either i sell dangerous motorcycle or i can never eat her ass again

Ilya: was easy choice

Cliff: man you’re whipped can’t belive you’re actually giving up on your fucking Ducati

Ilya: if you had seen janes ass you’d understand

Connors: what are you getting instead?

Ilya: Nothing. Jane says I have enough cars and should invest money in more safe investments in case i loose my job and visa

St-Simons: jesus kid

St-Simons: you sure she’s not your wife?

Ilya: soon i will be jane’s husband and you will all be jealous

[revizyonist]

med people are so annoying "This family's 8 year old child who was about to go through a major surgery and kept crying that she was hungry so they pitied her and gave her food, she then had a heart attack in the surgery. They're so stupid 😒" girl they didn't know that could happen or why it happens. it takes so little time to explain to them that will happen instead of telling them "no food" with no explanation 10 times

[revizyonist]

"Before surgery, your body’s reflexes that protect your airway are relaxed by anesthesia. If there’s food or liquid in your stomach, it will near certainly come back up and go into your lungs, which can cause choking, a severe lung / heart infection or even a heart attack. That’s called aspiration, and it is life-threatening. It's hard, but it's only a single day to prevent near certain death. Not eating or drinking beforehand massively lowers the risk and helps prevent these life threatening situations under anesthesia." <- TIP: patients have brains which allows them to receive information just like you

[ancelineonline]

I have four kids. I’ve had one or another of them need some kind of surgical procedure that requires anesthesia four or five times over the past 15 years.

This Tumblr post is the first time someone has explained to me *why* I couldn’t feed them before those instances.

I’m not stupid. I understood that just fine. Hell, my kids would have understood that just fine. But no one bothered to tell us.

[bowditch]

i did know this before having kids (i have six). we have a kid that's needed multiple procedures requiring anesthesia. and every single time, i am asked multiple times if i'm sure he was not given any food or water after a certain point.

every single time i have had to say, "i understand that if he had food or water, he could aspirate it into his lungs under anesthesia. i am not lying to you." THEN someone would make a little note and i would stop being repeatedly asked.

not a single time was that risk explained to me. the only reason it came up was because i already knew. i still don't understand why it isn't standard pre-op counseling or pre-op check information, when me as a parent acknowledging the actual risk also put THE MEDICAL STAFF at ease because i conveyed that i had informed understanding as reason to not lie about giving my kid food.

"maybe some people will get nervous and refuse surgery" okay so they need more counseling about risks and anxiety, not less information in a way that actually does endanger their child or themselves!

[arctic-turtle-cassiopeia]

Reblogging to save a life and teach medical professionals basic communication skills

[angel-mistakes]

When Shane's in Boston for a game the Metros drag him out to a club where he's lovingly ambushed by Svetlana. She sort of forces her way into meeting him bc she's curious about the man who makes Ilya happier than she's seen him in a long time and-- it's Shane-fucking-Hollander. The fact she hasn't met him already is ridiculous. Plus she knows that if this is Ilya's boyfriend, she needs to become friends with him.

She gets him to dance with her where they can have a more private conversation about their mutual Russian friend, away from Shane's teammates, and get to know each other better. Shane's thankful he's not bothered by the guys for the rest of the night since they think when Svetlana drags him out of the club she's taking him home (not dropping him off at Rozanov's place). There's pictures circulating online almost immediately of Svetlana dancing with Shane Hollander at some club in Boston. Dating rumors are already floating around by the next morning before Metros vs Raiders game.

Svetlana has gotten texts from Ilya of him being a whiny baby over the fact that 1. his team thinks Shane's stolen Svetlana away from him 2. how Svetlana got to dance in a club with Shane and 3. everyone in the world now thinks that Svetlana is Shane's girlfriend. Svetlana tells Ilya to stop being such a crybaby, especially before a game. Then she gets an idea bc she's the worst best friend ever. She shows up to the game in a Shane Hollander jersey. She knows it'll annoy Ilya deeply and make Shane laugh, giving him something to tease Ilya over. Ilya cannot believe the betrayal from both of them. And there is an upside to Svetlana's stunt. Her new connection to Shane in the public eye gives Shane and Ilya a new excuse to be seen together more at the same events-- for Shane to come to Boston more for visits in the eyes of his teammates and parents. Maybe it helps them change the narrative that Svetlana introduced the famous rivals and they started getting along... possibly even becoming friends...