Tags: nbpreg, unplanned pregnancy, cryptic pregnancy, character doesnât know whatâs happening at first, inconvenient birth, supportive partner
CW for miscarriage (no actual miscarriage but character thinks theyâre having one)
You only found out you were pregnant, like, a month ago. You have no idea when you actually got pregnant, because your periods have always been kind of whack and you and Ben are probably definitely not as careful as you should be. Usually itâs fineâyouâre on birth control, youâre not that stupid. This time itâs not.
You took probably a dozen pregnancy tests in the following three days and when pretty much all of them were positive you decided it wasnât likely every single one of them was wrong. You told Ben the day after that. You know he loves kids, and he knows youâd rather adopt.
He asks you what youâre going to do and you tell him you donât know.
That was two weeks ago. You know you need to stop dragging your feet and at least get a doctorâs appointment, but youâre still not sure what you want. You keep telling yourself you have to think about it first.
But then you start feeling cramps. Theyâre not horrible at first, theyâre mundane enough that you kind of ignore them. And then they donât go away overnight, and then suddenly theyâre bad enough youâre forced to call out of work, and you think shit, maybe youâre having a miscarriage.
You should really go to the doctor, you think, lying curled up on your shared bed in your shared apartment and breathing through the pain and building pressure.
But Benâs a med student and heâs coming home soon and thatâs basically the same, right? Youâll just wait for him to come home so you can figure out what the hell to do.
Itâs just so long before his last class gets out and everything is so uncomfortable. When you canât stand lying in bed anymore, you get up and walk around, hoping thatâll help. You take a hot shower. You try to breathe as the cramps get worse.
You start googling what to do if you think youâre having a miscarriage and enough of the answers are things like âseek medical attentionâ or ârisk of serious injuryâ that you just stop and put your phone down, trying shove down the rising feeling of panic.
You last for two more hours until the waves of pain are so intense that youâre sweating and shaking and you feel like youâre going to throw up. Theyâre less waves now and more of a tide coming inâunavoidable and so close together that theyâre basically just swallowing you.
Itâs somewhere in there that you start feeling like somethingâs finally happening. Like something might be about to come out. You can feel it moving down, trying to push out of you.
Between cramps, you manage to crawl over to the toilet, kicking off your sweatpants and underwear so that you can lower yourself onto the seat. Tentatively, you slip your hand between your legs and feel around. Thereâs nothing there which is both a relief and also insane, since it feels like youâre about to shit a bowling ball.
Itâs at this point you decide to text Ben because you waited too long and youâre definitely not going to be able to get to a doctor alone, and also if you die here on the toilet before he gets back you at least want to warn him about what he might be walking into.
Youâre not sure if your message is coherent, but it doesnât matter because he calls you within minutes to ask whatâs wrong.
Itâs hard for you to answer. Itâs hard for you to talk or even think. You think you might have told him to come home and you think he might have said he was on his way. Youâre not sure if he hangs up or not but thatâs the least of your concerns right now. Youâre panting, clinging to the vanity with white knuckled fingers, pushing your toes into the laminate floor to try to counteract some of the fucking pressure. You feel like youâre going to shit your organs into the toilet bowl, and you wonder if anyoneâs ever shit their whole uterus out while having a miscarriage cause thatâs sure as fuck happening to you right now. You canât stop it. It needs to come out. You need to push.
The first push floods you with relief. The pressure or pain really donât ease much, but it feels like youâre doing something, so you push again, longer and harder. Then again. You lose yourself to that for god knows how long, feeling the fetus or baby or whatever it is now inching down until eventually the progress slows, then stops.
You try to keep pushing. You squirm on the seat, attempting to jostle it into progress again by changing position. You sit through several more cramps, cursing silently to yourself. Eventually, you reach down to feel around again. Nothing.
The pressure becomes unbearable. You grunt loudly through contractions that tighten your belly in a vise grip and clench your teeth, wanting to crawl out of your skin. Then suddenly you feel a pop and warm liquid gushes from you into the toilet. You part your legs and look down in mild panic, but itâs not blood. The fluid is clear, and still leaking from you.
And thank fuck, some of the pressure is gone.
Youâre only given a few seconds of relief before cramps start again and the insane pressure comes roaring back and youâre bent over pushing before you can stop yourself or think. You let out a long, low groan of effort as your entire belly tightens, forcing you to help it expel its failure.
This is what Ben comes back to. You donât actually even notice when he comes in, heâs just suddenly there, crouching in front of you, warm hands on your shaking knees, face and voice filled with concern. Youâre too relieved to be embarrassed.
âWhy didnât you call sooner?â He says, squeezing your wrists reassuringly as you gulp in air after pushing for so long your vision spotted. His worry is so palpable you can almost taste it.
âDidnât know it would be this bad,â you manage to spit out. âCan you seeâŚ?â
He helps you spread your legs apart, but another surge overtakes you before he can really look. Your hands find his shoulders and grip him like a lifeline as you bear down again, a growl of effort scraping out of your throat. He waits, rubbing a thumb over your leg. Itâs almost overstimulating but the reminder heâs there makes it worth it.
His brow is furrowed in uncertainty when youâre done. âHow long has this been going on?â He asks, one hand on your thigh. Heâs gentle as he slips his fingers inside you.
âCramps started yesterday,â you say, then at his look, you amend, âbut they didnât get really bad until earlier.â
He doesnât answer right away. Heâs concentrating, eyes out of focus. âWhat isâŚ?â he murmurs. Then his eyes go wide.
The urge to push again hits you like a truck and you groan again, trying to resist the urge to bear down.
âWhat?â You grit out.
Ben looks up at you, face pale. âYouâre not having a miscarriage. I think youâre having the baby.â
He pulls his fingers out. âYou said contractions started yesterday and got worse today. Did your water break? Did you feel like you pissed yourself?â
You think about that pop and gush earlier. âYeah, butâit canât⌠thatâs notââ
Ben looks down again at whatever he can see under the soft swell of your belly. âI felt hair.â
âOf course you felt fucking hair!â
âNo, not⌠your hair. Inside. I felt a head.â
Thereâs no way. Thereâs no fucking way. âItâs only been two weeks! There canât beâuhh!â You break off with a groan as another cramp started.
âIâm not lying to you, M.â How calm his voice sounds is pissing you off.
âI know, I justâahâŚfuck!â You grit your teeth, trying to resist the almost unbearable urge to push. However much it hurts, the idea that an actual full-sized baby is coming out of you right now is worse.
You wait for the pain to pass, the force of it leaving you shaking. âAre you sure?â You rasp, hating the fear in your voice.
Ben meets your eyes and you see your fear matched, which makes you realize heâs just pretending to be calm for your sake, which does actually make you feel a little bit better. âYes,â he says in a voice barely above a whisper.
You close your eyes, chest heaving. âFuck.â
You felt the warmth of Benâs calloused hand come to rest over your knuckles. âAre you okay?â he asks, and you hear his worry.
You keep your eyes closed and force out a bitter laugh. âNo, Iâm not fucking okay.â
Your belly starts to tighten againâto contractâand as the blinding pressure mounts again, something that sounds pathetically like a whimper escapes before you can choke it back. You grip the sides of the toilet seat until you hear it creak, trying to breathe through it.
You distantly feel Benâs thumb stroking over the back of your hand; hear his voice, but his words are lost. You feel like youâre detaching from reality. This is insane.
The contraction slowly lets up and you realize Ben is saying your name. You let your eyes flicker open, unfocused. Your breathing is ragged, and you have no idea if itâs from panic or from literally fucking giving birth.
âMorgan, you have to push,â Ben is saying.
Anger flashes through you, followed by despair. This is really happening. You are going to fully give birth to a baby on the toilet of your fucking apartment bathroom. âI know,â you snap, unconvincingly.
Benâs hand moves to brush the sweaty hair from your face. âHey,â he says shakily. âYou can do this.â
No you canât. You feel like youâre going to die.
âHey,â Ben repeats, and his voice is steadier. His hand slips down to your cheek, cupping it gently, making you look at him.
You meet his gaze, viscerally aware of the way your eyes are watering. Ben doesnât waver. âYou can do this,â he says firmly. âI know you can.â
Heâs right. You can. And you really have no choice.
You force yourself to breathe in, to straighten, to attune to your body just as sharp pain runs across your stomach again. You can feel the babyâs head so low and heavy that you feel like it might just fall out of you if you sneeze.
If only it were that easy.
âYou good?â Ben asks.
This time, you nod. Your breath quickens as the contraction intensifies. âGonna push.â
The words are barely out of your mouth before currents of pain wash over you and you double over, bearing down until stars dance in your vision. Your focus tunnels until youâre not aware of anything but the insane pressure and the blur of Ben crouched on the tile floor between your knees. You can feel yourself stretching, the head finally moving down as you give your body the help it had been begging for. You donât let up until the contraction eases.
Ben strokes your forehead, brushing your hair back again until the next contraction takes hold. The baby is so low, it feels like itâs curled up inside your pelvis for a nap.
At least, it does until the head moves low enough that your lips begin to spread to accommodate it, and as it starts to emerge, it burns like fire.
You choke back the sound that tries to escape you and instead breathe in and push again. Rest. Repeat.
After a dozen pushes, the cry of frustration youâve been holding back slips out. It feels like youâre getting nowhere. The babyâs head keeps emerging when you push, only to slide back in once you stop.
âCan you see it?â Your voice holds an edge of desperation.
âI can see it when you push. The headâs peeking out.â
You slump back onto the toilet tank, gulping in air. âThe headâŚ. thatâs it?â
Ben looks hesitant. âItâs supposed to be slow. So your, uh. So you donât tear. You just need to keep pushing.â
You let your head flop back and squeeze your eyes shut, wincing as another contraction starts and your body demands you to push. âThis fucking⌠ungh! FuckingâŚ. suuuuuuuucks!â
Your words turn into a guttural cry as you bear down hard again and you suddenly feel yourself scrambling forward off the toilet seat and into Benâs arms, leaning heavily into him as the baby shifts and moves down and finally crowns, and you stretch further than you have before. âAaggghhhhâŚfuck! Fuck!â
Itâs coming out now. It is definitely coming out. Itâs like it heard you and out of spite, itâs pushing its way into the world and you couldnât stop it if you wanted to. You hear yourself scream again, and you bury your face into Benâs shirt as your legs buckle beneath you and you drop into a squat on the floor, pushing with the contraction thatâs giving you no other choice.
You can feel everything as it happensâthe slow, agonizing appearance of the babyâs forehead, its ears, its nose, its little chin.
âCome on, M,â you hear Ben murmuring to you as he holds you, solid and supportive. âKeep going. Youâre doing it.â
You hang on to the sound of his voice and push.
Suddenly, relief. You hear fluid splash onto the laminate beneath and sag into Ben, panting.
âI think the headâs out.â
âOh my god. Holy shit.â
You know he canât see anything, not with the way youâre holding him in a vise grip, but he doesnât seem to need proof. You can feel the baby hanging out of you, but no contraction. You realize your legs ache.
âNeed to sit back,â you mumble into his shirt. He responds immediately, helping you lean back and lower your bare ass carefully onto the floor so you can let your body wilt against the cabinets.
You feel weak and tired and stupid, but none of this seems to bother him, or maybe itâs the shock of seeing his babyâs head bulging out of your vagina as you let your legs fall all the way open while you try to catch your breath.
Heâs staring, transfixed in wonder. âHoly shit.â
You donât have the ability to respond. Everything hurts. You reach down between your legs and feel the hair heâd been talking about. Itâs thicker than you expected, and feels like it might be curly. Like his. Your breath hitches a little because fuck.
Thatâs a goddamn baby. Thatâs your goddamn baby. Thatâs a real fucking baby that the two of you made together.
The movement inside you takes you by surprise, and you grunt and shift in discomfort. It feels like the baby is wiggling and turning inside you, and it feels weird.
âWhatâs happening?â You hiss, moving your hands so you can brace yourself on the floor.
Ben shakes himself out of his daze and looks down more critically, then up at you. âThey have to turn so their shoulders are facing the right way,â he says, then pauses. âDo you feel like you have to push?â
You shake your head. He nods, then leans forward, kissing your forehead. âYouâre fucking amazing, you know that?â
âUgh,â you gripe back, but he ignores that and strokes your cheek gently until the pressure begins to ramp up again and you squirm, trying to find a position that feels right.
Then the contraction hits and youâre pushing again, toes curling into the bathroom floor, back arching, vocalizing your pain into long, strained groan. You can feel how close you are to the end. Itâs almost out. Itâs almost over.
You breathe in and push as hard as you can. For a moment, your effort gets you nowhere, but then the babyâs shoulders suddenly spring free and the rest of their body follows in a rush of blood and fluid, landing in Benâs waiting hands with a soft smack.
You slump against the cabinets as Ben cradles the baby who hiccups and then begins to cry, and thatâs when you see his face is wet too. He moves to sit next to you against the cabinet, looking away from your child just long enough to kiss your cheek.
âItâs a girl,â he says. âWe have a daughter.â