Gentleman Tyrant

Taken. Straight dominant male. 39, US East Coast. Consult the "Important" and "Resources" tags for posts containing useful D/s-related information and public service announcements.

[gentlemantyrant]

Your blog was my little secret thing I'd visit and I'm sad about what tumblr is doing. This blog was my all time favourite for all those things I'm too scared to admit I like and made me feel less weird about it and more comfortable with who I was as a sub. I hope one day I'll be brave enough to share the depth of it with someone.

Thank you very much for telling me this, and I’m honored to know my blog made a positive difference in your life.  I assure you that “weird” is not a bad thing, and I’m glad you’ve become more comfortable with who you are.  I know you’ll be brave enough to share with another person one day, probably sooner than you think! 

Lastly, the Tumblr change is regrettable but it’s both an ending and a beginning; we’ll all find ourselves a new home.  Currently that’s looking like BDSMlr, where I have started a blog and I’ll rebuild, just as a lot of us will.  Take heart!

[gentlemantyrant]

me and my dom have rules obviously, but is it toxic and/or abusive for him to make one of my punishments grounding? im currently grounded for 2 weeks and not allowed to make any plans or leave my house (other than when necessary). i like giving up my control to him, but im not sure how far is too far.

That’s too far. I think it’s justifiable for a Dom to tell his sub she can’t go out on a certain night if there’s a health reason (example: she’s ill and needs to rest but really wants to go out; in that case the restriction is to take care of her), but beyond that it’s troubling at best, and this is well beyond that.

That level of restriction, especially for that length of time, is abusive. It’s isolating you from the world / social interactions and that’s very dangerous. I don’t know what other toxic behaviors he might be displaying, but regardless I advise getting out of this relationship quickly. Remember that there are always people and resources to help you with that even if it seems daunting.

[gentlemantyrant]

Hi, love your blog! I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my Dom for 6 months now, and I was wondering, would you travel far to meet a partner in person? We’re considering, but I thought to get some outside opinions first.

Thank you for getting in touch! If the two of you have a strong relationship, trust each other, and want to meet in person to see how that is and how it goes, that seems perfectly reasonable to me, even if it’s a long trip. Both of you would of course do the appropriate vetting beforehand for mutual safety and peace of mind that the other person is who they say they are. Best of luck!

[justadistractedlittle-deactivat]

What does it mean to be a smart submissive?

It means that you…..

1. Ask questions.

- If there is any doubt about what you’re doing, and it was instructed by your Dom, get clarification.

2. Are aware of what you need and what you want. 

- A necessity and a desire are two very different things.

3. Remain observant. 

- Be aware of your Dominants usual behavior, if something is off, mention it. Dominants are human too, they equally need and deserve comfort and understanding during rough times. D/s dynamic aside, be a good partner, care for each other on an intimate level, otherwise the relationship won’t last long.

4. Don’t shy from problems, even though confrontation makes you uncomfortable.

- It is important to address issues within the dynamic. If there is a conflict of interest, let it be known, otherwise it will never be resolved. 

5. Allow your Dom to bend your limits, not break them. 

- A gentle push is healthy, a rough shove is abusive.

6. Remain realistic.

- Your Dom can be in control of your world, do not let them be the only thing in it. Have hobbies, interests, work, school, something you can invest yourself into for your own benefit/growth and development. Also have other people to converse with, otherwise you are being isolated by your Dom, something that is common among abusers.

7. Do your own research about safety for certain activities. You are the first person responsible for keeping yourself safe.

- It’s like safe sex, never expect the other person to always have a condom when you can carry one yourself. The internet is a very useful/educational tool, if you’re reading this then you already have this at your disposal. Use it. 

8. Remember to respect yourself while respecting your Dom.

- Retain your sense of self while you are with your Dom. Don’t let your need to submit blind you to an inadequate “dominant” who just wants to take advantage of you.

9. Communicate.

- Communicate your needs, your discomforts, your concerns, your interests, your perspective, your likes, and just your thoughts in general. Regardless of how good your Dominant is, they are not a mind reader. It is imperative to communicate, especially if you are in a long distance relationship. 

However, there are times when you can be “too smart” of a submissive. Sometimes that’s a good thing, other times, not so much. This means that you’re beyond analytical, you never allow yourself to fully submit, and you obsess over being “the perfect submissive,” even though there is no such thing. This cautiousness can go from keeping yourself safe, to restricting yourself, very quickly. It is important to find that balance and more important to be with a Dom who has earned your trust.

Now this leads to the ultimate point that was to be made to me by writings this. I’m an educated, yet inexperienced, submissive. Am I a smart submissive? According to what I’ve written, it seems so, but I still disagree. I don’t see myself as being a “smart submissive,” I see myself as being a submissive with an intellect, an impulse to question the majority of things, and a reserved demeanor.

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

Respecting your limits does not equal being with you regardless of what they are.

A person can respect your limits and still choose not to be with you because of them.

You don’t want to give up control of your orgasms, don’t want to swallow, or don’t want to use an honorific (Sir, Master, etc.), that’s your choice and it’s completely valid.

You get to set your limits, but keep in mind that when someone comes along and tells you those things are a must have for them, that’s not them disrespecting you. They’re not abusive or manipulative for deciding not to pursue a relationship because your limits are essentials for them.

People have just as much of a right to their ‘musts’ as you have to your ‘wonts’.

[a-daddys-search]

Absolutely!

[instructor144]

Yes. This. Sometimes, one person’s hard limit is the other person’s must-have. If you are in that situation, the other person is not obligated to forego their must-have in order to accommodate your hard limit. In this situation, it’s a foundational incompatibility, and the two of you move on. Doesn’t require a lot of drama, doesn’t require a lot of gnashing and waling, doesn’t require showing up in my Inbox with “So he’s totally an abusive asshole for not accommodating me, right??” You just move on.

[loveofalphas]

Want? Need? Actually it's BOTH!

I saw a post recently that said something to the effect of: “A submissive needs to feel wanted and a dominant wants to feel needed.”, and while I agree with part of that statement; I don’t think it paints a fully accurate picture.

As a dominant, of course I love to feel needed. Just being needed, however, doesn’t fulfill everything that I need and I’m sure I’m not the only dominant who feels that way.

A dominant has a presence that can be very alluring to a submissive and, there are those who simply need to feel dominance but do not necessarily want the dominant who is providing it; and to a dominant, that can be construed as simply being used. I’m not saying that providing that particular dominance doesn’t make us feel good, but if that’s all it ever is, it doesn’t fulfill.

One of the most important things, in a power exchange relationship, or even in vanilla relationships is, in my estimation, balance. It seems to be even more necessary in  power exchange relationships.

@mirroredwithin and I have discussed balance often and we both agree that it is paramount that we are both balanced. Sometimes she needs me to help bring her back into balance and guess what?, I need the same from her.

In discussing this topic, she mentioned something that I think is key to understanding this from both the dominant and submissive perspective: Anything less would feel like you’re being used.

She is exactly right. She wants, needs, and deserves not only to be wanted, but also needed and she would tell anyone that I deserve the same.

We not only want each other; we need each other. It’s how it works best for us.

if you’re a dominant, make CERTAIN that your submissive(s) clearly know that you both want AND need them. Submissives? I don’t think I’m the only dominant that will tell you that we need the exact same thing.

[cherishedproperty]

What Counts as a Spanking

“I think this paddle gets you there faster.”

He’s talking about that stingy fucker. Not the thuddy one I like. The one with the big ouchies.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, to the point where you feel like you’ve had a spanking.”

Hmm. I‘m not sure what to say. It feels…not quite right. I mean, I do have that point—the point of being sated by a spanking, when I feel calm and relaxed. But it’s hard to characterize it as one thing. It’s not when I cry. It’s not when I’m close to safeword. It’s not when my interest turns to sex—that often creeps in when I still need more spanking. 

In part, it depends on the type of spanking and the circumstances. But there are a couple of themes. 

Reconnecting I need maintenance spankings to reconnect. When that connection is the focus, I feel like I’ve “had a spanking” when I stop fighting it and give myself over to what my partner chooses. Sometimes that is easier or harder for me. If we’ve had a disconnect, it will be harder for me to let go. Even if I want to. But to feel sated by it, I have to give myself over. I have to reach a point where I no longer think about how many more swats or if/when it will turn to sex. I just feel open and accept what is chosen for me.

Quieting my Mind My brain almost never slows down, even when I want it to. I am over his knee, and my brain is still chugging away at how a theory maps onto a problem at work. Or I’m thinking about whether I remembered to enroll my daughter for dance, or how I’m going to keep my dog from destroying more of my house. But at some point in a spanking, my mind goes quiet. I no longer feel the to-do list looping through the back of my brain. I am at peace and truly present in the moment. 

And the thing is, neither of these things comes from the amount of pain. Maybe if the point is to remind me that I am a girl who gets spanked, then submitting to the pain would be a way to get there quickly. Stingy paddles, the accursed riding crop… But that does not sate me. I could have a spanking like that and still feel like I need a spanking. What sates that need is being spanked to the point where my mind goes quiet and/or I give myself over to my partner. If a spanking does that, I will be walking on clouds for days. But there’s no easy formula for getting there. It’s not an implement or a duration or an intensity; it is something we have to discover together.

[masterxdan-deactivated20201025]

[instructor144]

“Don’t forget – I own you.”

[desires-of-a-dominant-man-deact]

BDSM Links And Resources

I thought I would update the list of BDSM links and resources I posted a while ago, as some links were no longer working and I had several new ones to add, including a list of books. These should be particularly helpful to those who are new to BDSM and looking to explore D/s relationships, as the best way to go about that is to first read everything you can and then read even more! Not only will this allow you to educate yourself, help keep you safe and avoid any potential mistakes or regrets, but also the more you understand something, the less intimidating it will seem.

If you have anything to add, please don’t hesitate to let me know and I will update this list, in particular if there any books that a submissive might find helpful or informative, as most of the books I have read or included are intended for Dominants.

Note: For the sake of consistency and readability, I have used capitals throughout this document and have not used lower case when referring to submissives or slaves.

Websites:

Babygirls ‘n’ Daddy Doms: Website dedicated to littles, babygirls and Daddy Doms, with a lot of useful information on the subject.

Collarme: A free BDSM dating website and community, that is probably the most popular and a better option than the commercial alternatives.

DS Arts: Academy of DS Arts, fairly self explanatory.

Evil Monk: Ambrosio’s BDSM Website, featuring many useful articles.

Fetlife: An online BDSM community that I would highly recommend and which is perhaps best described as Facebook for the kinky, allowing users to create a profile, publish photos or writing and join interest groups where you can ask questions.

Kink Academy: An online resource with many educational and instructional videos on various aspects of BDSM, although users must pay a small fee to access all of the content.

Submissive Guide: As the name suggests, this is an online resource for submissives.

The Iron Gate: A general BDSM online resource, with many aticles, essays and even stories on the subject.

Dating and Relationships:

10 Principles For Healthy 24/7 D/s And M/s (Source: sexgeek.wordpress.com)

Difference of Dynamics in BDSM (Source: the-little-kitten.tumblr.com)

Finding Your Dominant (Source: asubmissivesjourney.com)

How To Find A Partner (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Initiating a Discussion About BDSM Interest with a Vanilla Partner Part 3 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

So You Want Your Boyfriend To Dominate You (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate Her (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

The Unfortunate But Common Misconceptions About DD/lg Relationships (Source: a-lolitas-life.tumblr.com)

Play:

Consent Is Mandatory And Non-Negotiable (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

Food Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive (Source: domwithpen.tumblr.com)

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Rules and Tasks for Building Confidence (Source: themostdangerousplaything.tumblr.com)

Tools of Consent in BDSM (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Training in D/s - Why? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - How? (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Training in D/s - Thoughts And Concerns (Source: her-master.tumblr.com)

Wax Play (Source: bdsmsadomasochism.tumblr.com)

Safety:

Basics Of Safe, Sane And Consensual Power Exchange (Source: Molly Devon / the-iron-gate.com)

Common Sense (Source: Sean R. Powell / the-iron-gate.com)

Emotional Safety (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Offline/Online BDSM Safety Rules (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Ouch Is Not A Safe Word: Safe Words, Limits, and Scene Protocol (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Rules For Meeting Strangers (Source: Jack Rinella / leathernews.com)

Safewords and Safesigns 101 (Source: kinkology.tumblr.com)

S.S.C. VS R.A.C.K. (Source: Justin Medlin / the-iron-gate.com)

Checklists, Communication and Negotiation:

BDSM Play Partner Check List (Source: Sovereign House / the-iron-gate.com)

BDSM Scene Negotiations (Source: daddyvinnie.tumblr.com)

Can I Get That In Writing: Basics of Negotiations (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Communication (Source: submissivesupportgroup.tumblr.com)

If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Negotiation Forms (Source: Jay Wiseman, SM 101: A Realistic Introduction / greenerypress.com)

What Are Negotiations Good For? (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare:

Aftercare for submissives (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Dominants (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Aftercare for Switches (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Emergency Self-Administered Aftercare (Source: Mistress Abode / brairthornblog.wordpress.com)

Sub Drop (Source: David Williams / subshelpingsubs.tripod.com)

Sub Drop and Aftercare (Source: desires-of-a-domimant-man.tumblr.com)

Dominance and Dominants:

A Dominant is NOT… (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dom (Source: Washington Sexuality University / the-iron-gate.com)

Advice to a Novice Dominant (Source: cherhatton.tumblr.com)

An Open Letter To A Novice Dom (Source: evilmonk.org)

Qualities of A Successful Dominant (Source: Polly Peachum / the-iron-gate.com)

Daddy Doms: They’re Not What You Think (Source: edenfantasys.com)

Domination for Nice Guys (Source: Franklin Veaux / the-iron-gate.com)

How To Spot A Non Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Learning To Be A Dom (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 1 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Run Don’t Walk: Warning Signs of A Predator Dom/me Part 2 (Source: submissiveguide.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts - Part One: Dominants (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

The Dominant (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Daddy Dom? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

What Makes A Good Dominant (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

What Should A Dominant Be (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Submission and Submissives:

10 Considerations For Inexperienced Subs (Source: fortheloveofasub.tumblr.com)

A Submissive Bill of Rights (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Creed (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

A Submissive’s Ethics (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Introduction To Submission (Source: Kim Debron / kimdebron.tripod.com)

Learning to Trust Your Instincts (Source: bewildbetruebekinkybeyou.tumblr.com)

Red Flags, Warning Signs, and Intuition: Learning to Trust You Instincts- Part 2: Submissives/Slaves (Source: the-iron-gate.com)

Some Rules For The Submissive (Source: daddylookingforhisbaby.tumblr.com)

Submissive Owner’s Manual (Source: youmadememe.tumblr.com)

Ten Tips For The Novice, Heterosexual submissive Woman (Source: Jay Wiseman / the-iron-gate.com)

Warning Signs for Submissives (Source: RC Bauer / the-iron-gate.com)

What Is A Babygirl? (Source: babygirlsndaddydoms.webs.com)

Books:

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Dr Charley Ferrer

Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers About Master/Slave Relationships by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Devil in the Details I: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - The Master, The Slave, The Power by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details II: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Mastery Refine: The Issues, The Skills by LT Morrison

Devil in the Details III: The Art of Mastery, A Mentoring Trilogy - Sustainable Structure and Traning by LT Morrison

Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame, Gloria Brame and Jon Jacobs

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships by Dan and Dawn Williams

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 by Robert Rubel

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402, Living in Harmony by Robert Rubel

Protocols: A Variety of Views by Robert Rubel

Real Service by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Phillp Miller and Molly Devon

SM101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

The Control Book by Peter Masters

The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren

The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino

This Curious Human Phenomenon: An Exploration of Some Uncommonly Explored Aspects of BDSM by Peter Masters

Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook by Christina Parker

[filthyobediantslut]

Sharing again for those who missed it. Lots of great resources.

[undesiredandbroken-deactivated2]

[permeate]

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

Long Distance Aftercare

I’ve seen questions about how to handle aftercare long distance many times here in Tumbletown. It’s taken a long time to figure out what works for us. It certainly presents some challenges still, but we’re comfortable with the progress we’ve made thus far and will continue to try new techniques. In the meantime I’m going to share what I’ve learned in hopes it will help others facing the same challenges.

Presence- The very first thing is presence. He does NOT get to disappear just because we’ve both cum. Playtime doesn’t end when the fucking does. We both agree that aftercare is not optional, not even when the playtime is ‘soft’.

Comfort objects- Personally I have a stuffy I cuddle after long distance play. Some people use one of his t-shirts, or a special blanket they cuddle under. Whatever it is, I highly recommend you use this object at other times too. Holding the object when you’re just chatting, and laughing together, helps to build good associations and make the object more comforting when you really need it.

Liquids- You need to have something to drink already nearby when you begin. In fact it’s become a rule of sorts that I fill my water bottle before calls with Daddy, because I’m not always in a place where I can do that sort of thing after. Juice is also highly recommended, a bit of sugar can help after a lengthy session.

Chocolate- I feel chocolate needs it’s own category, because in addition to the pick me up of the sugar content chocolate has it’s own magic. There are hundreds of naturally occurring chemicals in chocolate, some of which affect the release of neurotransmitters, including serotonin. While your body is going through sub-drop (the precipitous drop in feel-good hormones post play), you can dampen the effects with chocolate. Giving yourself another little boost on the way down can prevent spiraling from feeling on top of the world, to feeling incredibly sad.

Voice- Sometimes drop lasts longer than anticipated, or starts later than expected, even hours after play.  Daddy can’t always be there through all of those feelings. Having video and voice recordings of Daddy on hand can be really helpful. Be sure these recordings are not of a sexual nature, you want to hear a comforting voice and loving words to remind you that this isn’t all about being a sex object, but about his caring for you as a person.

[callistomist-deactivated2020091]

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

  Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

  Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

  Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

  Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

  Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

  Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

  Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

  Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

  Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

[invisiblemusings]

God bless the person who made this

[evergreenempress]

It makes me happy to think how much time this person put into making sure strangers were okay. Now it’d just be rude not to even try it, wouldn’t it.

[instructor144]

Boost.

[submissivefeminist]

Please destroy the myth that not safewording makes you a stronger person.

This myth is not only illogical but puts our community in danger.

Even strong submissives have limits.

Even strong Dominants have limits.

Strong people can still say no.

Needing to stop does not make you weak.

Stop making BDSM into a competition of endurance.

You don’t owe anyone anything.

xx SF

[another-random-dom]

I need to be able to trust you to safeword when you need to.  You won’t disappoint me.  I won’t be sad or angry or unsatisfied or think less of you.  I can’t always know exactly what’s going on inside you.  I need to know that you won’t let me go too far.  It’s an essential part of how this works.

[dominant-daddy214]

Always use a safe word, it’s completely necessary.

[cometlinda2000]

Very True. Even committed relationships need safe words.

[domfor1-deactivated20171020]

So true

[instructor144]

All of this. ^^ Anyone who’s spent any time in the real world of D/s understands the strength it takes for an s type to safeword.

[the-faculty]

Just an outstanding article if you’ve ever wanted to explain to someone that you don’t have a mental Illness because you practice BD/sM

♠️1SL❤️

[1-sadistic-lover]

Every now and then I reblog this because it’s just import.

♠️1SL❤️

[instructor144]

Same. Boost.

[submissive-seeking]

I always find it incredibly ironic that I don’t need to explain to anyone that I don’t have a mental illness because I pay $$$ to enter and run 100 miles (yes all at once, no we don’t rest or sleep, yes they feed us).

But find out I’m an eager and willing participant in D/s or Kink, and suddenly I’m mentally ill and must have some sort of childhood trauma ……

Go figure 😕

[instructor144]

Good point. I tell people I duke it out with rock solid 20 year olds who could kill me with one punch and it’s like “Cool!” Say I like leaving palm prints on a girl’s ass and suddenly I’m an imp of Satan.

[submissive-seeking]

Kink doesn’t treat a mental health issues. But, Kink Aware Professionals do!

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage

Need help with those ropeburns? Or maybe some nasty issues with subdrop, Maybe even the occasional mishap like a knife in your own foot ( @instructor144 )? Or the big three, depression, self harm, or bipolar?

These are the professionals for you…. Kink Aware

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

Structure and Self-Care for Unowned Submissives

I received a note recently asking me if I had any reference materials that focused on providing structure for a submissive who is currently without a Dominant. I didn’t, but I thought it was a good opportunity to write about it.

While I’ve never had a formal system, I have found in both in the time before I identified as a submissive, and in the times since, when I was without a Dom, that I naturally gravitate toward providing myself with a certain amount of structure. (To be clear I have always been a submissive, but I did not always have the words to identify as such.)

Creating structure for yourself in the absence of a Dom comes down to self care. You want to create routines for yourself that enforce predictability and healthy habits.  

Some examples of things you might consider establishing as ‘rules’:

Going to bed by no less than 7 hours before you have to wake. Being out of bed by a set time, even when you have nowhere to be. (say 10am?) Regular exercise several times a week. Reading a certain amount of pages per week. Getting a vegetable with every meal. Keep regular contact with friends and family members. (perhaps 1 call per week to 2-3 people) Do all the dishes before bed each day. Keep a chore list of things that need to be done each day, week, and month.

One you’ve decided the things you will be focusing on you may find it helpful to establish rewards for yourself. Some people, (like myself) who are organized by nature, may find reward just in having the routine, but for others there has to be incentive to motivate them.

You might consider taking out  some money from the bank in one dollar bills, and placing a dollar in a jar each time you successfully follow one of your own rules. At the end of each week or month you can use that money to buy yourself something special. If this doesn’t seem like something you’d abide by, money is tight, or you generally just buy what you want anyway, then you might consider orgasm control instead. Put yourself on denial, and give yourself a point for each task completed. When you manage to reach a set number of points you allow yourself an orgasm.

There are a lot of reward systems out there but the basics of giving yourself structure are in creating beneficial routines, and motivations for doing them. It doesn’t have to be formal charts if that seems like drudgery to you.

You can reward yourself within the system. It can be as simple as when you get to bed on time all week you allow yourself to sleep in on weekends.Or making yourself wait to have any snacks/treats for the day until your work/chores are done. There are endless possibilities really, what matters is that you feel motivated to continue taking proper care of yourself.

[instructor144]

Excellent, I’m always getting questions about this.