emily

creator-advocate-dreamer (pro anas stay away)

[ggoodnightsocialite]

tw (trauma, bpd, self harm)

i wish it was running mascara and boys who tell you your scars are beautiful.

it's not all sad music. it's lying in bed with your so called 'happy playlist' on full volume while your mind shuts down and continues to descend into misery.

the voices aren't my friends, if i could reach into my brain and rip them out i would do it this second.

it's 'pretty' until you cry so hard you vomit.

it's 'tragically beautiful' until you have to look your mother in the eyes after she almost lost you, again.

it's 'relatable' until it's scary.

it's 'a mood' until you're a flaky, unreliable, detached, removed and isolated, 'bad' friend

it's acceptable unless you're traumatised, scarred or falling apart at the seams.

it's okay until you can't hold down a job or stay in school.

i wish i was the shy girl from the movies, who's faintly scarred forearms are covered by a hoodie she pulls down every time someones glances in her direction.

i wish i was the 'mentally unstable' girl from the books who sits in an oversized white shirt on her kitchen counter drinking a glass of red and smoking a cigarette, looking flawless, hair flipped to the side, nails painted and mascara that barely flakes on her cheek after a long day.

i wish i was the girl from the love song who's life was a wreck until she met mr right.

but unfortunately my life and all its trials and tribulations weren't written by a millionaire movie producer, author or songwriter. the script of all this was laid out messily by trauma, and i live it every day. i'm not a character or a textpost.

the girl from the movie grew out of it. the girl from the books saw a therapist once and all of a sudden everything was fine.

its not this romantic thing.

i was traumatised as a child and forced to ignore it to protect my grieving mother. i came out of the psych ward at 15 to find that half of my so called friends wanted nothing to do with me anymore. i was diagnosed with a personality disorder at 18 and was forced to accept from that point onwards that i would never heal.

i wish i could just be okay. and i wish that in the meantime while i'm not, it was like this fucking app and the whole of the media makes it out to be. something desirable, something beautiful, something quirky. not the destructive, chaotic disaster that my life is turning out to be.

[prettyispain]

Here is the anxiety gif. Inhale, exhale. You will be okay. I love you, message me/send an ask if you need to 🌹

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

reasons to live: december 💫

snow angels

libraries

stargazing

playing guitar

fresh fruit

warm lights

oatmeal cookies

bike rides

daydreams

vintage films

believing in magic

flowers for yourself

[a-bright-ray-of-sunshine]

It's okay if you can't get out of bed today and just need to rest. It is okay.

[positivedoodles]

Facebook / Twitter / Ko-fi / Buy the book

[Drawing of a blue cup of coffee on a black background with a caption that says “Just because you didn’t get the help you needed doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it. You are, always have been, and always will be worthy of help.”]

[xylatra]

♡ fairy ring ♡ 

buy her here. 

[saintacephale]

❀ quarantine tips for people who deal with mental illnesses ❀

- try to enjoy the sun as much as you can!! even if it’s to open your window to let some daylight and fresh air in!

- try to get dressed every morning, even if it’s to change from your pajamas to a hoodie and leggings. believe me, it does make a change

- make a list of activities that usually keep your mind busy

- being close to your pets helps a lot

- try to meditate everyday, it’s super beneficial

- i know it’s hard (specially because our bodies are way less tired) but try to go to sleep at the same hour everyday and keep a concise sleeping schedule

- don’t force yourself to be extra productive just because you are at home, let your mind and your body rest

- try to keep contact with your loved ones and talk to them regulary (keeping a list of people you want to text/call everyday also helps)

- trying sensorial hobbies help a lot during this time, specially if you suffer from dissociation or if you feel out of touch with reality lately. embroidery, playing an instrument, painting, gardening... you name it!

- writing a list every single day of things that happened that day that you are grateful for helps a LOT

- if you are too tired to exercice, yoga helps

- try to be kind to yourself. you deserve as much love as anyone else

note: my private messages are always open to whoever needs to talk or if you simply need a distraction. you are so loved and strong. you’ve got this ♡

[ggoodnightsocialite]

the most wonderful time of the year

oh the bliss of christmas in childhood. mornings of laughter, presents and buttery toast. the simplicity of a smile over a selection box or new teddy. the colourful lights that mirror how you were feeling. the frost under foot felt like the thickest blanket of white snow. where everything was glittery and bright. where all food tasted sweeter. where the laughter was real. where family got along. 

the weight surrounding christmas that used to make my heart skip and beat faster, now makes me spiral into existential dread, as it’s the day of the year where now you recognise how fast time really passes. it the weight that this one could be the last for you or someone around you. 

now the glitter just gets stuck under your nails and in your carpets. the sweet food is merely a wasted calorie. the frost means you have to de-ice the car. all i feel is the pressure that all of the issues that are somewhat accepted every other day of the year need to somehow disappear for 24 hours without trace. 

and the terror of ruining yet another christmas for your family almost tempts it into reality.

[fourthell]

[ggoodnightsocialite]

there’s nothing romantic about being in pain. there’s nothing cute about mental illness. I want to rip the pain out in my body and burn it in front of me. I want to feel some peace, hear silence without all the screaming voices. I want this to end

[ggoodnightsocialite]

the thing that stings the most about all this is. if I died tonight, by tomorrow morning Facebook, Instagram, snapchat would be filled with posts, well wishes for my loved ones, thoughts and prayers. yet,

i’ve barely left my bed this week. I’m destroying my past, present and future with destructive coping mechanisms. my eyes are constantly swollen from tears from flashbacks and the agony of simply existing. the pills don’t work. staring at my ceiling is my only hobby. and most importantly I’m completely detached from the people who mean the most to me.

yet no ones asked me if I’m okay, how I’m doing. if I need anything. no one thinks it’s strange that I’m never around, that I don’t respond to texts, calls, comments, tags, emails. no one cares enough to simply check in, send me a picture of a cute cat every now and again.

care about me when I’m alive or not at all.

please

[wackywildwindowseats]

[viinnttaaggee]

i hope one day my heart isn’t as heavy as its is now

[sunflorally]

back to school reminders:

your grades don’t define you

mental health is a priority

not doing some homework assignments isn’t the end of the world

turn things in on time even if they aren’t completely done

you don’t need a perfect GPA to go to college

apply for scholarships

drama is exhausting; try to avoid it

ask for help when you need it

you aren’t stupid for not knowing everything

not every friend is a real one

teachers aren’t always right

everyone makes mistakes

you can do it

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

Sometimes you have to lift yourself up.

[ggoodnightsocialite]

(tw) no one tells you how cold they are. how the floors make your feet numb. the way the walls are too thin to protect you. how you never feel safe.

everyone talks about the screaming, not the silence that you ache for something to fill. how you can hear the creatives scratching pencil to paper and the quiet, unnoticed tears. there is no feeling quite like waking up to blaring alarms, knowing one of your best friends could be dying in the room across the hall. i still hear them sometimes.

no one ever thinks how comfort can be uncomfortable. the papery sheets scratch your dry skin. the way you stick to the plastic mattress. the times they take away your sheets, your clothes and leave you and take your dignity with them.

no one can truly understand the way the nurses eyes feel like lasers as they stitch you back together. no one gets how cold their hands feel as they pin you to the floor or pull you off your bed. i can’t describe the way it feels when they ‘protect’ you, it’s like all the worst parts of sleep paralysis but it’s actually your reality.

what you don’t see is that two years on, i’m terrified every time i fall asleep in case i wake up and i’m back there, that this whole time i’ve been dreaming of a better life that i could have. what if i woke up and i was lying there with no sheets, pillows or comfy clothes, freezing cold. with no one to hold me or love me. what if i open my eyes and they’re back, watching everything i do, judging me, pressuring me, forcing me to move, forcing me to be still, never giving me space or time to breathe and think for myself.

what they tell you is that its your fault you’re in this mess.

that you are privileged to have this bed, the twenty four hour care

and that if you don’t want to be there its a sign that you don’t need to be

[bulbasaurbian]

life is all about making girls laugh