i just wanna move out n live w the love of my life and make them breakfast every morning and we can dance around in our shitty little apartment to our favourite songs and kiss and fall more and more in love every day
hmm. funny how when a white person commits a hate crime against a black person or any other poc no one blames white ppl as a whole but tell me why I constantly have to answer for the crimes of every black person. funny how white liberals didn’t do shit when dylan roof shot up that church. they didn’t blame the kkk. they didn’t blame the aryan nation. even though he admitted to trying to incite a race war. but sit there and act like we don’t condemn this behavior. you blame and punish muslims for 9/11 and isis but have yet to answer for the centuries of crimes your ancestors committed against the world. funny
it goes without saying but what those people did was disgusting. there’s nothing acceptable about kidnapping and torturing a disabled man or anyone, regardless of his race. But notice how quickly they labeled this a hate crime. It was, make no mistake. But how many black children are harassed and traumatized only to have their cries fall on a nation of unlistening ears? Too many. No one should have to experience this. This is fucked up from all points, and I hope the person who was hurt will come to heal.
There. I made the post so you racist anons can stop randomly messaging black people
yo like honestly please reblog this post. I’m sick of other black bloggers being harassed and being held accountable for a crime they have absolutely zero connection to. when will you people learn that BLM does not fucking condone anything like this and blaming them and other supporters doesn’t serve to help any victim
the year I became a radio show host, performed theatre, actively travelled for live music, and fell in love (with the world and everyone else around me): year-end retrospective of one of the most polarizing years of my life
While I could have never anticipated what 2016 had in store, I’m incredibly grateful for all of it.
I don’t know where to begin exactly in regards to how the events of this year lead to my maturation as a person, so I figure I’ll start chronologically.
The return and departure of a familiar ghost helped during a time of much instability. We’ve known each other for years, but this year felt like I finally was able to know each other. It was comforting and safe. We watched one final Nicholas Spark film together called The Last Choice, and we shared a great laugh despite being miles away.
It’s difficult to describe how painful to learn of his departure, but I know he wouldn’t want me to dwell on such things. I’m a sentimental creature, so I find myself thinking about him at times. Not a romanticized version of him, but about the ghost I talked frequently to earlier this year. Our talks about mortality really helped me learn to appreciate what was really important in life.
We cared about each other. I’m happy we were able to be in each other’s lives, despite the distance. And while I was initially angry at the illness that took his life far too early and too suddenly, I know now that such anger is unnecessary. What’s important is to focus on ourselves and our own happiness.
I think I generally feel a lot happier this year, and for a lot of reasons.
Having my own radio show since February has been an incredible experience. While I still stutter on air and say really embarrassing things, radio has been a great way for me to express myself. I’ve discovered so many great artists and different genres of music. I’ve received the honor of getting to know so many kind and motivated individuals who share my passion for music and representing the unrepresented. Jamming with friends is on a whole new level with college radio. By feeding on each other’s creativity we were able to create such fun projects. Working with the production team this year has only lead me to respect the production aspects of anything so much more-- there’s a lot of heart that goes into promoting radio shows and the non-music side of things. I’ve gotten very close to the subversive rock department, and I’m honored to be part of it.
I’ve also had the joy of participating in theatre twice this year. The first was for the Vagina Monologues in the earlier part of the year. If that production taught me anything it’s that anything is possible with enough hard work and spirit. While we all faced a good amount of challenges that made the time leading up to the show stressful, it was such a damn good show. It was so humbling to be with such empowered women who were unapologetically themselves. I am still inspired by their bravery, honesty, humor, and kindness to this very day. Participating in the Monologues is always a fun experience, and while I’m not sure if I’ll participating again next year, there’s no denying the impact it’s made in my life. It felt so wonderful to finally deliver my favorite monologue perfectly on our very last show. There was no greater joy in theatre than being able to express the theme of sacrifice and love that resonates throughout all of the monologues during my performance.
I also really dived in to the deep-end with participating in my first college theatre experience outside of the Vagina Monologues. I played a supporting character for a student run production of She Kills Monsters. It was such a challenge to meet the level of such experienced actors, but I decided not to focus on trying to meet their caliber and really test what I’m capable of as an actor. I’m typically typecast as a more mature, and sometimes even demure female. My dual role as a sexually-alluring and calculating dark elf and as a gentle and shy handicapped girl was very fun. It definitely wasn’t an easy-going experience, but ultimately it leads me to further respect the theatre community. The community is fearless, supportive, creative, and so hardworking. I know I’ve said this many times during this retrospective, but I’m so honored to be part of all of that.
I wanted to also say a bit of how happy I am when it comes to employment. I actually feel like I’ve found employment that genuinely makes me happy. Working at the library as an aide and student assistant is rewarding in certain ways. I’ve always loved libraries, and it was actually a dream of mine when I was a child to work in one someday. Now I’m able to issue library cards and check out books to other people and shelve new material. My friends at work are also really great as well and they make the job a lot more fun.
It is just so rewarding to be able to connect with people and bond with them over the library. I’ll never forget how one patron tearfully told me about his favorite book, A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, and how it continues to impact his life. The man was over sixty years of age, but he told me he continues to revisit the book throughout his entire life. It was indescribable to hear him talk about how the novel changed his life by teaching him about sacrifice and love, and how happy he was that I listened to him talk.
School has actually been pretty great now that I’m deep into my upper-division classes. I’m officially declared as a philosophy and communication studies double major with a minor in legal studies, and the classes I take are just so great. Besides from the usual duds, the material I’ve been learning is all super fascinating stuff that I can’t wait to take with me when I pursue law school or some other intellectual pursuit.
And finally, I’m so grateful for my family, friends, and my significant other. While I’ve been at odds with my mother this year due to me really taking risks and wanting to explore the world much more, I think our relationship has gotten much stronger. I definitely need to mature and take better care of the family, but I’m also happy that she’s starting to understand how I need to really explore what life has to offer.
While I feel like I’ve been reclusive this year, I’m still very happy to be friends with some of the most intelligent and insightful people I know. I was only really close to a few people, but those were the people that matter. Much love and thanks to my hypesquad for their undying love, forgiveness, advice, and inspiration. Much love to the radio station and the library for overall being pretty great as well.
And finally, I’m so grateful for Rory. I love him so much. I don’t recall ever smiling and laughing so much with another person in such an intimate environment. He’s so incredibly kind and he inspires me every day. Our relationship is so comforting and safe and supportive. He’s been with me during my radio shows (for better and worse) and is my favorite concert companion. We’ve had adventures and unforgettable experiences in Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Monterey, and even in the comfort of his own home. Every time I’m able to spend time with him it feels like our love grows fonder-- and I look forward to seeing what the new year has in store for us. I know that life has always been really beautiful, but being with him helps remind me of how great it can really be.
The year has had its definite share of awful situations, and while the world is always uncertain, I feel like I know myself a lot better. I feel like I’ve endured enough Hell to recognize the symptoms of slipping back into it, and more importantly, I now and cherish the belief that I’m capable of changing my life for the better.
the year I became a radio show host, performed theatre, actively travelled for live music, and fell in love (with the world and everyone else around me): year-end retrospective of one of the most polarizing years of my life
2016 was a year I could not have possibly anticipated in any way. I felt my world crumble beneath my feet and experienced the feeling of falling to an uncertain abyss. Names so familiar and dear to me became bittersweet wisps of memory. It was like the world wanted me to grow up. But thankfully, as of this moment on December 31st, I think I have matured quite a bit.
For the purposes of this retrospective for such a polarizing year, this post will be split in two. This is the first part.
I entered this year with so much uncertainty. With my heart decimated and my vision for the future so clouded, I felt nothing but self-hatred. I would stare blankly out the window on long bus rides with only the wish of self-destruction in mind. Memories would invade my personal space like fruit flies. Small, annoying, and regretful for leaving a window or door open for far too long.
I inherited a hatred for a world I never knew I could possess.
I found myself attempting to find a way to regain feelings in the wrong places. A lit cigarette would have perfected the portrait of me sitting on the floor in unfamiliar homes and wondering, “How could I have fucked up this badly?”
It was all an immature act of trying to regain control. I desperately craved to feel strong and dominant. It was overwhelming. But of course, that was all against who I am-- no matter how hard I try to paint myself as a cold, calculating individual, I can’t. I can’t suspend all of my feelings. I can’t obsess over my personal pleasures to the point where I’m willing to manipulate others like pretty marionettes.
I was tired of trying to be something I clearly am not and will never be. More on that later.
The flames of a burning bridge was a sensation I wished not to experience again, but I had to. I wanted so badly to protect a friendship that was incredibly meaningful to me, but I didn’t care to realize how selfish and foolish I was in doing so. Selfish in not realizing that she was so close to self-destruction and misery beyond my comprehension. Foolish in believing that I could have fixed any of those deeply personal issues, or that it would have miraculously disappeared.
I was wrong. To this day, I still feel the repercussions of our split. She was a friend I trusted entirely. Everything I told myself in an episode of self-hatred was suddenly spilled into the outside reality and made tangible because someone else agreed with all of it.
But all of that shit, regardless of how awful those all collectively were, cannot distract me from beautiful life is. These were all experiences to learn from, and the one of the main things I focused on this year was to not allow myself to self-destruct.
I cannot allow myself to channel the negativity of others and lead myself to believe I’m at fault for a collective unhappiness. As terrible as those people were, they acknowledged I was not at fault. I am not a martyr for destructive metaphors that always end with isolation and misery.
I never want to be any of those things. It would be a waste of everything I can be.
I didn’t self-destruct at all. In fact, I think I did quite the opposite.
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