A young friend asked me the following and I’m curious how you would answer: “How are you as a person able to tell from a conversation or two, if a man is a dominant or something of those sorts? What are tells? “
I’ve been sitting on this ask for a long time so I could think it over, and I think I have an answer:
Respect: I would look for someone who is respectful and who also expects and inspires respect from others. Not someone who loudly demands it, but someone who seems to command it. This is someone you listen to because you want to, not because you have to.
Thoughtfulness: More than someone who is courteous and respectful, look for someone who demonstrates a great deal of forethought and foresight. This person anticipates future needs and challenges and makes plans to deal with them when they arise. This person isn’t panicking every time a problem comes up, they’re stepping in and manning the helm, calmly steering the ship through the storm.
Responsibility: This person takes their responsibilities seriously, and they are aware of both their strengths and weaknesses. They freely admit their mistakes and they are able to communicate what they’ve learned from them and what changes have or will be made to correct the problem going forward.
Committed: This person isn’t jumping from one fad to another, constantly dropping commitments to do other things, and their word is their bond. If they tell you you’re going to do something, you can bet they’re going to do it.
Empathy/Sympathy: Look for someone who can see what motivates people, how people might feel about things, and who helps people to do and feel better. Having a great deal of emotional intelligence and the ability to see things from other perspectives is invaluable in setting goals, rewarding behaviors, and issuing punishments.
Quiet Confidence: This person isn’t standing atop the mountain so they can make everyone look up to them, they’re there because they wanted to prove to themselves they could climb it. They don’t have to convince anyone of their capabilities except for themselves, and challenges are seen as a way to test their abilities and make improvements. They tend to seek out challenges purely because they enjoy pitting themselves against the challenge and finding ways to win.
Patience: Not to say that this person never gets irritated or frustrated with themselves or others, but they are able to balance this desire for results with a realistic view of events. They know that true change is a product of consistent, effective effort over time. You do the right thing as often as possible for as long as it takes and results are sure to follow.
Consistent: This person is not mercurial; they are the same person today as they will be tomorrow with the exception of lessons learned. You know what to expect from them and you know you can depend on them to deliver time and again.
Inquisitive: This person demonstrates an intellectual curiosity and is willing to ask questions and seek out advice and information in order to gain understanding and insight. They don’t just assume that they know something, they do the work and the research. They acknowledge and respect the people who have paved the way in these fields and seek to build on these foundations instead of vainly seeking to prove others wrong.
Compassionate Accountability: They are going to hold themselves and others accountable, but they are going to do so in a way that acknowledges the progress made as well as the difficulty of the task. If the results are less than intended, they want to know why, but it is so it can be corrected next time. They seek to find ways to build on success instead of just tearing down those around them.
There’s ten things I came up with for your friend!
