return me to dust

artist&fandom relic // he/them // this blog used to have a concept, now it's just me and my current hyperfixiation (with some photos strewn in for The Aesthetic) // MCU. Witcher. TES. Mad Max. Star Trek. LotR.

[hell-alka]

"The Beginning"

соmm for @poppin-prozac

[lavenderprose]

To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.

[imharnaannesta]

I would say Ilya is probably above average, skills wise, for his age and his secret is that he checks in constantly and takes feedback well.

He’s a high level athlete with an unstable home life who actually cares whether his partner is having a good time. He is extremely sensitive to the signals other people are putting out and he is paying attention. And he’s built a career on some level on being willing and able to repeat a motion over and over until he’s told it’s right and then replicate that consistently. That probably translates pretty well to sex. So Ilya probably has a solid, well-earned reputation as a good sexual partner, but he’s not naturally gifted or super experienced when he first hooks up with Shane.

He’s just actually trying to make sure Shane has a good time.

[lleyksie]

brown bears ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

[ursiday]

Earth

[storm-of-feathers]

yeah yeah rainbow capitalism is bad and whatever but like. when I was a child, being pro gay was not the popular or lucrative choice. I'm happy that times have changed.

[storm-of-feathers]

I miss rainbow capitalism. I do. I miss when it felt like public opinion was still pro gay. I understand it was always an empty gesture, but it mattered in a sense of knowing how socially acceptable being queer is. If that makes sense.

[profeminist]

From Geraldine DeRuiter of The Everywherist

[kaylmao]

just molted for the first time ama

[evil-sludge]

U feelin' mushy? Easily susceptible to predation..?

[kaylmao]

ok no more questions

[ilyapasta]

Assorted free-range headcanons about Hollanov at 45-55 years old:

Shane starts getting grays at 35, so by 45 he is a salt-and-pepper kING. It makes for a distinguished photograph on his memoir. He has a ghostwriter, obviously, how do you expect him to just sit and write all day? He writes the chapter about his and Ilya's rivalry though, only at the end of the chapter is he like "And we were married in the summer of 2021 with a honeymoon in Spain. He's the best person I know." after just a dry comparison of all their stats Pre-Centaurs.

One child. Boychild. Shane's genes and a Russian name. Conceived via surrogacy after Ilya retires first due to busted ass knee syndrome. Child enjoys hockey. Not great at it. Looooves playing the oboe in school band. Shane checks it out and AS IT TURNS OUT the oboe is a difficult, competitive instrument. They proceed with characteristic intensity, as if this was athletics. Son, you're gonna win at the oboe.

Ilya needs glasses. He just steals Shane's off his face and it's a whole ritual that ends in them kissing. Boychild is mortified every time they're trying to read a take-out menu.

Shane gets into hockey commentary/podcasting and is notoriously. Um. Not Nice. A lot of "What?? What did I say??" It's never personal though. Just about players' shitty game.

Ilya is Big. Chunky. He's glorious. Muscle that now has fat over it. Arms like tree trunks. Torso: round. 100% Naturalized Canadian Citizen Beef. Hair, everywhere. Shane must BITE to check it all out and make sure everything is in order.

Shane gets really into individual athletics- rock climbing, marathons before he also gets busted ass knee syndrome, biking, swimming, anything where it's like testing the limits of his body against himself. Ilya is like a "fifty push-ups every day keeps me in shape enough to fuck you right" kind of guy, but he joins in sometimes just to make Shane get furious with competition

New rookie/juniors player billeting every year once boychild goes to music conservatory so they build a whole separate wing for the youngsters so it doesn't interfere with empty-nest fucking

Once they hit 50 they do get up stupid early like old men do and have old man coffee shop time with David Hollander (professional boring old man) at their favorite diner. Shane really cherishes this time with his dad and makes it a point to do it as often as they can. Conversely, they build Yuna a mother in law house when David passes away (death comes for us all) and she becomes crazy hockey mom to all their rookies.

Add your ownnnnn

[swagsmeister]

big hugs

[lavenderprose]

I need you guys to walk with me and understand that Ilya and Shane's first fuck as a married couple takes place on the edge of Ilya's bed ("Our bed, Hollander, our marital bed--" "Jesus fucking Christ Ilya--") while Usher Yeah! plays at bone-melting volume from the backyard and guys from three different hockey teams yell the lyrics even louder. Shane realizes that Ilya is inadvertently thrusting to the beat and for one very brilliant second it is the hottest thing ever. The mood is genuinely almost ruined when the song switches to Sweet Caroline. Harris should never be allowed to DJ again.

"SWEET CAROLINE. BUM BUM BUM." - Eleven highly inebriated hockey players and David Hollander, who's having great memories of his own wedding where they played the same song.

"Good times never seemed so good..." - Ilya Rozanov, whisper-singing to himself and completely unaware of it as he rails his husband into next Tuesday.

"Why is this hot. Oh my god why is this hot." - Shane Hollander, who at the age of thirty is still discovering things about himself.

[lahiah]

beam me up scotty (beam me up inside) can’t beam up (beam me up inside)

[bugslibraryy]

No but guys. I know this because I was there. Ilya gets a bad splinter in his foot and he’s all “shaneeee” big big sad eyes and pout and hoping around not putting any weight on it. “Shaneeee we have to go to hospital” and Shane is like oh my god get on the couch Ilya.

He gets out their first aid kit and he’s all 😠 serious kitten face as he cleans it and gets the splinter out and Ilya is all “what’s the verdict doc” and Shane is like “can’t be saved, we have to cut the whole foot off” in his flat voice as he’s pulling the splinter out and putting a plaster on it. Ilya nods seriously and says “ah. Ok at least is not my cock then 😕” and Shane is like “Ilya” as he leans down and gives Ilya a kiss over the plaster (despite it being on his foot, despite Ilya having been barefoot in the backyard the last few hours) and says “all better” his hand rubbing the top of his foot.

and then Ilya is all oh 🥺🤭🥰 “come here doctor I need a lot more kisses I think it’s working I think it’s healing me” and Shane huffs but goes to give his kisses- he doesn’t want to be done for malpractice after all.

[bugslibraryy]

Also who wants to talk about aftercare for Shane and Ilya like just imagine post cottage, as boyfriends now having their hookups but there’s 💫love💫 there now and they are allowed to acknowledge it now. Like I live to think of the transition to remembering they can linger and care and adore. Thinking of Ilya just showering Shane in praise and touch and love and Shane being able to stay blissed out in subspace and syrupy and soft eyed and settled for a long stretch, strung along by Ilya staying inside him, petting his skin in big open hand touches, kissing him slow and dizzying. Big brown eyes gazing up at Ilya like he’s the only thing in the world, slow blinks. Ilya telling him he’s so good and sweet and Ilya’s and so beautiful and how good this is - the sex they have, like nothing else has ever been. Sappy sweet loving and touching and nuzzling and clinging

[young-core]

[mina-logan]

I like to think they’re tucked away in a corner at a farmers market somewhere.

[0shark-yaps]

There are frat bros who wear their hats backwards to kiss (willmack) and frat bros who forget they're wearing hats and cluck their heads together taking -10hp every time they kiss (samisa)

[tinylilemrys]

Just thinking about Ilya making the playoffs for the first time with the Cens and getting texts from Yuna and David about it.

Yuna's one is like, "HOLY SHIT THE CENTAURS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS! I never thought I'd be so excited to say that. 😂 This is such a huge achievement and I couldn't be more proud of you! This means I'm finally going to have to cave and by an Ottawa jersey. Don't tell David I told you, but he's still drying his eyes about it. Bubbly when you and Shane come over on Saturday for SURE, okay? Love you lots. SO proud."

And David's is like, "You did it, Cap! I know how hard you worked for this and it's paid off. We'll be cheering you on for every game. I am so unbelievably proud of you, kiddo. Love you lots - can't wait to see you and Shane on Saturday."

And Ilya just sits there unable to breathe because he's never had a text like this after making the playoffs except maybe from Svetlana. He replies to the messages, eyes blurry with tears, and spends the rest of the night opening them at random times, just overwhelmed by how loved he truly is.