Stoner in Recovery

Thankful to be sober since September 21st, 2022.

[goodbyemaryjane]

Name: A

Age: 22

Pronouns: any

This blog is about weed addiction because whenever I search "weed addiction" it's all from people who seem to be proud of their smoking? and that's not really what I'm going through here, I'm an addict in the hospitals-institutions-or-death sense. And it's not really much better just because it's "the nice drug." This blog is intended to raise awareness about weed addiction.

This is all coming from my own experience - I'm not out here to support criminalization or judge anyone for what makes them truly happy. Getting high all day every day was terrible for me, and if I smoke at all I end up high all the time, one way or another. For me there is no moderation. If you can smoke casually I'm proud of you, but this blog is about addiction. Alcohol was my first drug-of-choice so I mention that as well from time to time. Thank you for reading.

[chthonic-pain]

nobody warns you this but addiction happens without you noticing and one of the first things that it attacks is your ability to care. if you find yourself using recreational drugs every day, stop and take one day a week sober. if you struggle with this or if you don't see the point of the exercise, you are likely already addicted and you need help.

[chthonic-pain]

nobody ever taught me the warning signs for drug addiction, only that "it costs lots of money and destroys your life!!!1" which is not helpful if you can't recognize a developing addiction in yourself.

so here's some things to watch out for with recreational drug use:

planning your day around drugs e.g "i'll give myself an extra half hour before heading out so i can get high first"

rapidly switching emotions around drugs. you love them but you hate that you love them so much. you hate the way you feel on them but you hate being sober. feeling guilty after using even when you didn't give a crap beforehand.

caring less about spending money. if you are budgeting for drugs like they are food, you are likely prioritizing them more than is healthy.

getting high to do household chores and other unpleasant things because it would suck less and be more bearable on drugs

feeling anxious or restless while sober, not knowing what to do with oneself, feeling lost or ungrounded.

thinking about doing drugs constantly even while sober. maybe it's the first thing you think of when you wake up. maybe when you're bored or otherwise have free time, drugs are one of the first things you can think of to occupy yourself with.

going to work or school while under the influence, especially if it happens regularly and if you're seeing your performance suffer as a result.

the idea of taking a 'tolerance break' sounds good to you until it's actually break time, at which point you can come up with 20 very reasonable sounding points to explain why it wouldn't benefit you actually and you should just keep doing drugs regardless.

even if you succeed at quitting the drug, you keep your dealer's number on your phone "just in case"

you pretend to be sober when you aren't. you worry about other people noticing how much time you spend high. you make efforts to hide your drug use or minimize how much other people think you're using. you're scared of other people's judgement if they were to find out.

you have mood swings laced with self-hatred, regret, financial worries, and guilt. these mood swings are then very quickly wiped away by feelings of "but it doesn't matter, i can do what i want, and clearly i'm doing just fine while using drugs frequently". news flash, if you are rapidly switching between feeling numb-ok and hating yourself more than anything because of your drug use, you are mentally ill.

yes this applies to weed. weed is a drug and you can get addicted to it like any other substance. addiction is not the same as physical dependence; it is psychological and it can happen to anyone. you are not immune to addiction.

[lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers]

It's worth bearing in mind you can be addicted to (or dependent on) something (drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping etc.) even if you don't do it every day. If you need a particular substance to deal with certain situations, or certain emotions, that's also a red flag. If you rely on a substance or an unhealthy activity to deal with negative emotions, that's maybe not an addiction, but it's certainly headed that way.

If you e.g. drink a few glasses of wine 5 nights a week, that's not what our mental image of an alcoholic looks like, but if you rely on it to switch off from work, or get worried about not having wine in the house etc- that's an addiction. If you're not doing it every day, could you go for a week without it?

Again, if you can come up with a million excuses as to why you can't go for a week without a drink, or smoking weed, or taking ket, or gambling online, or whatever else it is you are doing, then that's very likely an addiction. Not all addiction looks like doing the thing constantly or being impaired all the time- functional addicts are very much a thing.

[uncommon-etc]

People manage to hide their addictions from those closest to them for weeks, months, or even years at a time. Not every addiction looks like your fun-loving friend who always seems to overdo it on a night out and who you've tried to have a word with more than once that maybe they need to cut down on the drinking. It's entirely possible to be aware that your addiction has a lot of negative consequences and go to great lengths to hide those from those around you while still being in denial that you have a problem.

When we picture people with long-term addiction issues we tend to fall back on a lot of stereotypes that prevent those who don't fit the mould from seeking help or being recognised for their illness. I've supported plenty of recovering addicts in my day-job and the one thing that never ceases to surprise me is how much some of them differ from mainstream perceptions of what an addict looks like.

When we picture heroin addicts, we assume they'll be homeless, unemployed, and immediately identifiable by the track-marks on their arms. The last person I spoke to who'd been affected by heroin addiction was a woman whose husband earned a good salary (though he was always short of money) and had managed to hide his heroin-use from her for over 10 years because injecting is not the only way to take it, just the most visible. When we picture those with a gambling problem we assume they're young working-class men who bet on football and racing, but the last person I spoke to with a gambling problem was in her 50s and as middle-class as they come. Then there are the large numbers of people addicted to tobacco, caffine, or alcohol who don't even acknowledge it because of how normalised smoking, drinking, or consuming large amounts of caffine every day are in most Western cultures.

Functional addicts are just as at risk of suicide or overdose than those who go off the rails, arguably more so because they fly under the radar. Unless we accept that anyone of any age and any demographic can struggle with addiction at any time, we will continue to lose people we love to treatable and manageable conditions.

[3000s]

indications beyond just "drinking every night" when you're unsure if it's an alcohol problem or not

skipping meals / not eating during the day in anticipation for drinking when you get home

not caring about the quality or experience of having the drink anymore (ex. if you can't wait for your drinks to cool in the fridge even though you would prefer them that way)

canceling plans to stay home and drink

drinking at inappropriate times (ex. school/work/etc)

missing classes/appointments/obligations because you couldn't wait until afterwards to drink

recognizing that you can't afford to keep buying alcohol but doing it anyway

recognizing while drunk that you don't know why you do this anymore

feeling clumsy and uncoordinated even when sober if you weren't that way before

[androgynouscollectivekingdom]

[goodbyemaryjane]

I used to feel this way. Smoking all day, every day, to numb out loneliness and pain. Since I've quit, I've been busy building a life I want to remember. I've made many wonderful memories.

[goodbyemaryjane]

[goodbyemaryjane]

It took me months after quitting to realize I'd experienced psychosis from smoking. It wasn't super dramatic. I'd just be high and I'd keep thinking I'd heard someone behind me saying my name, but I was alone. I haven't experienced anything like that since I quit.

We do recover!

[huffylemon]

[dan-mcneely-deactivated20210328]

going thru phone pics and found this thing that was tacked up next to the toaster at my old job, if anyone needs some light toast eating reading material

[selfcarepropaganda]

Would anyone be kind enough to transcribe this or link to a text version?

[anxiety-depression-recovery]

Everything Is AWFUL and I’m Not Okay: Questions to Ask Before Giving Up on Yourself

Are you hydrated? 

If not, have a glass of water. Dehydration can mimic or increase feelings associated with anxiety and a well hydrated brain functions optimally. Avoid excess caffeine. 

Have you eaten in the past three hours? 

Don’t be a victim of hanger! Get some food–something with protein, not just simple carbs or high-fat. Nuts, hummus, and veggies are great options to feed your studying brain. Keep healthy snacks within reach to avoid mindlessly chowing down on sweets. 

Have you stretched your legs in the past day? 

If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the energy or time for a run or a trip to the gym, just walk around the block or building. Even minimal exercise preps the mind for learning so that you can focus better and recall things easier, plus it’s good to get a change of scenery. 

Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? 

Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine! We bet your study partner would appreciate a compliment. 

Have you moved your body to music in the past day?

If not, jog for the length of a song at your favorite tempo, or just dance around your bedroom for the length of an upbeat song (singing along is a bonus) 

Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days?

If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends of friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing. 

Have you started or changed any medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand? 

That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down. 

If daytime: are you dressed? 

If no, put on clean clothes that aren’t PJs. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress. 

If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? 

Put on PJs, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes while focusing on breathing deeper with every breath- no electronic screens allowed! Adequate sleep is a necessity for stress management. 

Do you feel ineffective? 

Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an email, loading the dishwasher, or tidying up your room. Good job!

Do you feel unattractive? 

Take a darn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look. You are always insta-worthy. 

Do you feel paralyzed by indecision?

Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable. Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial. 

Have you over-exerted yourself lately–physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? 

That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking some time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment for a little. Time spent refreshing yourself is never time “wasted!” 

Have you waited a week? 

Sometimes or perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause. It happens. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then. 

You’ve made it this far; and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.

[goodbyemaryjane]

I just had a long conversation with someone who feels now like I did more than a year ago -- that she's sick and tired of feeling terrible and smoking to feel normal, but she's scared to quit. I fully recommended it and gave my best advice, and she said it helped - that she wants to quit now! One of the best things about recovering from an addiction like that is being able to be that person who gets it, being someone who understands what another addict is going through when they need it the most. I'm so grateful that I haven't relapsed, and I'll do my best to make sure I never do.

[sayruq]

When Hamas took hostages into Gaza, their goal was a hostage exchange that would free thousands of Palestinian civilians from this. Last month, Israel kidnapped 4,000 Palestinians, bringing the totally of imprisoned and tortured Palestinians to 10,000. That number has undoubtedly gone up.

[heyimboredtalktome]

[myvolcano-deactivated20260116]

this terrified kitty won't let go of the young man who found it under the rubble.

the reporter was wondering if animals associations would care for the animals situation in gaza and the man answers her: "they do not care about us; human beings, you think they care about animals?! they do not care about us. no one does."

[whydidisavethistomyphone]

“Hamas shouldn’t have attacked”

🙃

The Israeli genocide of Palestinians has been ongoing for 70 years.

[goodbyemaryjane]

One Year Sober

I wish I could go back to my past self and say: there are moments of joy in your future that are so enormous you don't even have the space in your mind to imagine them yet.

You are going through some of the hardest times in your life so far, I know. You are so full of hurt and boredom and loneliness, it feels like there's no space for anything else. It feels like the best you can do is get high and try not to look at it, try to feel good for a few hours. You don't want to form clear memories of the same boring, exhausting day repeating again and again. Other people get to drink and get high and feel good, so why do you have to just sit here on a Saturday night and stare at your loneliness without relief? Read something, draw something, cycle through the same inadequate distractions?

Sometimes you are okay, even good, but sometimes you are a well of sadness with no bottom. You are starved for closeness but you cannot reach for it, you're too ashamed of how much you need. You feel like an alien watching groups of friends laugh and walk to lunch together, as if it's easy for them. Sure, you can entertain other people, but they don't know you, they only see the light you reflect. You're tired of writing in your journal, of meditating, of painting it out, of trying to compress the longing into a shape that's easier to carry. You're tired of trying so hard to be happy. You deserve some relief, a break from being the way you are so relentlessly.

When you're high, you can finally ignore all of that. And the absence of pain almost feels like love.

But the more you avoid it, the more it scares you. So you get high again, close your eyes again, and the moments when your stash is out and you catch a glimpse of what you've been ignoring are so overwhelming, you'll tell yourself, I can't stop. If I'm sober I'll suffocate in this. Your addiction will grow until you truly believe you are not strong enough to be alone in your mind again.

But you will get sober.

You'll work hard and make things you're proud of, you'll be there for a friend that needs you, you'll walk down the street and smell the rain on the pavement and know there's more inside you than pain. You will learn that most people are lonely like you, that reaching for closeness is the first thing every newborn learns to do, and the more you practice the easier it gets. You'll tell people you need them and they won't leave you. You'll learn that there is nothing inside you that makes you unworthy of love, and you might have to relearn this twice a week for the rest of your life, and that's okay. You'll have a lot of days that are just alright, some days you just live through, and some days you'll keep in your pocket and rub for good luck until they're as smooth as tumbled gemstones and as familiar as Goodnight Moon. You'll decide not to take your secrets to the grave after all, and it will be terrifying, but you'll learn the slow warm comfort of having absolutely nothing left to hide. You'll fall deeper in love with someone, and in his arms, loneliness will just be a word. You'll have experiences that make you feel like you've unlocked a new level of happiness you've never felt before. You'll make art that makes people feel understood; a stranger will thank you at the gallery opening, tears in his eyes. A stranger at the bus stop will confess his relapse to you and you'll tell him that you know it's hard, that you believe he can get sober again, and he'll thank you for understanding. You'll clean out your drawers and start keeping your promises. You'll be strong enough to lean on.

You'll think to yourself, "Thank God I was sober for that," and mean it. You'll think, "I am proud of myself for doing what's right, even when it's hard," and mean it. You'll think, "I want to remember every second of this," and you'll mean it with all your heart.

The pain doesn't go away entirely, but the space inside you will grow. Your life will expand to fit the love that's coming.

[goodbyemaryjane]

smoking made my life so shitty but my mouth still waters when I see a picture of it, wtf is this

[grippysockgang-deactivated20230]

Going to make myself get up, take care of myself, and be happy.

[monstermoviedean]

daily reminders

no human being is 100% happy 100% of the time

being a person is extraordinarily difficult even in the best of times

this is not the best of times

someone is grateful you exist (don't argue, it's true)

a bad day does not predict a bad existence

it's gonna be okay

[goodbyemaryjane]

I love my mom so much, and I know she was going through a lot, but I was the kid. I deserved a strong, stable caregiver who didn't need me for emotional support. Someone I could lean on without worrying that they'd fall apart.