grassylampshade discovers the internet

mainly witcher content / NSFW

[taylor-titmouse]

hey i want to talk about how you should be promoting your work as an erotic author/illustrator

i'm writing this up because the marketing aspect of my work as an erotic author/illustrator is a science to me, and also because i'm the guy who gets unreasonably annoyed when i see other creators not properly advertising their work. you presumably want to make money off your work. this post will be written under the assumption you want to make money off your work but are doing a bad job at it. it will be very confrontational. if you read this and feel attacked you're right and i am attacking you.

this is geared toward selling erotic comics/writing/books/art as products. i will probably write more than one post about this subject so if i didn't touch on something you want to know more about, comment/send me an ask and i'll keep it in mind for the next one.

i will start with my first and least specific but most important point:

DON'T GET FUCKING CUTE

hi are you paying attention. i'm gripping you by the sides of your face. do not get fucking cute with what you are trying to sell. you are not a big enough property to get cute, nobody LIKES it when big properties get cute, and you are selling porn. you have to own this. you have to be up front about this. don't be tongue in cheek, don't be all teehee i wonder what this could be~, don't be secretive. you are selling a product. you have to fucking act like it. you are an adult selling pornography to other adults. i am GRIPPING your HEAD you NEED to understand this.

and to be clear when i say 'cute' i mean coy. i don't mean cutesy, as in the aesthetic. you can be as hello kitty pastel ten emojis a post uwu as you like when you're building your audience and generating hype. but when you start trying to sell, don't be vague, don't be sarcastic, don't mislabel your work as a joke and assume everyone is on it. because they're not.

you must always assume 75% of the people seeing the thing you are advertising have no fucking idea who you are. and that includes a huge chunk of the people who already follow you. they do not know who you are or what you've been working on for two months or why they should care about it. they just got here. somebody just reposted it. they are seeing it for the first time. most people are only looking at social media for a tiny chunk of their day. they are not keeping up with you. you cannot get cute about what you are trying to sell because nobody knows what it is until you tell them.

okay are you still with me. we are going to talk about clarity now.

YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHAT IT IS

good lord the amount of times i have gone to buy somebody's comic or book and had no idea what's actually in it or what it's about. who are the characters? why should i care about them? what do they do in it? what is the premise of this thing you want me to spend $5 on? why would you not tell me? i'm shaking you again. please i have to know what i'm buying i only have so much money to spend on porn.

porn, arguably more than any other genre, relies on knowing exactly what is in it. you do not want to surprise your readers with a kink they were unaware of! and on the flip side, you do not want to miss out on your target audience! if your book contains a hot spider babe laying eggs in an elf, you have to say so. not just so people who don't want to read about eggs know it isn't for them, but so the people who are egg crazy can see that and go "oh fuck YES i love EGGS here is my $5 and an extra $2 tip for catering to me specifically". a contents/features list is as much an advertisement as it is a warning!

as for re: who the characters are and why should i care, i'm sorry but you need to learn how to write sales copy. you have to write blurbs. you have to get good at the shit that goes on the back of a book. we all hate it but we have to do it. i want to know who the characters are and what the context is. i, personally, am not interested in contemporary stories as much as fantasy and historical. please tell me what genre this porn exists in so i know if it aesthetically appeals to me. pull some books off your shelves and see how they do it. hell man go look at mine.

while you're there, note that every single book of mine has a sample of what's in it. this feels like such a no-brainer to me but again! the amount of times i have gone to buy somebody's work and they don't show me what their work looks like! you gotta give me the first page or two! just enough that i know if i like the way your writing sounds, or the way you draw your comics! i don't know you! i am not going to trust that you're good at what you do just based on a cover. the cover is to get me to this step, it is not the only step. you have to show me that you're worth spending my money on!

to put it less cynically, you want to catch my interest. you want me to go 'oh i want to see more of this', you want me to go 'ahh i want to know where this goes!' you need to get me invested and craving more. earn my $5!!!

YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT EASY TO GIVE YOU MONEY

hey go look at your bio right now. go look at your pinned post. do you have a link to your patreon there? do you have a link to your itchio/gumroad/whatever? do i have to click more than once to get to the places you want me to go to give you money? why? why are you making me click twice? have we learned nothing from every website making you click an extra time when they make some stupid UI update and how much it pisses us off? i have already given up, i have forgotten you, i am not giving you my $5 today. put your links in the easiest places to get to them.

god literally as i was writing this post i went to go find somebody's itchio to see how they described their work and it was not anywhere on their profile. grabbing you and shaking you PUT THE LINK WHERE I CAN FIND IT. don't make it hard! make it easy! i am a dickhead sitting on the toilet scrolling, saw your post, and was interested enough to read further. but you made me go to your bio to find your linktree and oops i have already gone back to my timeline to look at the boobies in the next post. stop wasting precious bio space on DNIs and put your fuckin links there!!!

this is more for the twitter people, but: just put the link in the damn post. just say the word commission. just say it's for patreon. "wuh wuh the algorithm" it is not the damn algorithm it's that everybody hates advertising and nobody wants to retweet ads. putting slashes in the words doesn't do anything and you look like a fool. i have posted so much art that says it's 'a commission for ___" and it did exactly as good as any other art despite having the word commission in it. and by doing the slashes you just made it impossible for anybody to search your account for your commission information (which should be at the VERY LEAST in a post under your pinned tweet if you're not actively posting about them being open).

okay that went on a tangent i'm going to back to the point of putting the link in the tweet. put it in the first post. not in the first reply. don't tell them to go to your bio. put it in the post people are actually going to share. it's fine to put more information in the thread but people are only ever going to share the first post. so put the link there. you have to make it easy. putting links in tweets can hurt you algorithmically, even in the replies. so you're better off having it in the post that actually gets seen and shared. i don't want to open the tweet and scroll to get to your sales page where i ASSUME you will have put all the information anyway. put it in the tweet that just got retweeted by itself onto my dash!

also you have to share it a ton of times. i repost my shit every few hours when i'm trying to push a new product. as i said before people are not 24/7 looking at their timelines. they missed it the first time. they missed it the second time. they didn't get paid yet that week but they were after the eighth time and you reminded them again so they finally bought it. that i will still get sales every time i repost a book ad weeks after release says there are always people who missed it, or who only just showed up.

abandon your pride and shill. shills pay their bills. anyone who gets annoyed about it isn't giving you money in the first place. don't worry about looking like a sell out. don't apologize for plugging your own work. post about it often, post about it in different ways. post about it. post about it. you are not going to make money if people don't know you have something to sell them. if you want to make a career out of it, you need to act like it.

I DON'T HAVE A FOURTH POINT

kisses your forehead. i'm sorry for yelling at you. i've been making and publishing and selling adult art for the past two-three years and have got myself to the point where it pays my rent, and i got there by paying attention to what does and does not work.

please do your best to make money. i want you to make money.

as i said above i plan to write more posts on this subject, such as cover design, how to actually write sales copy, and best practices with running a patreon, but if there's things you would want to hear more about leave a comment or send an ask! i will probably be less aggressive on future topics. these are just things that have grinded my gears for a grip.

[funnytwittertweets]

[ceejoules]

not writing, not not writing, but a secret third thing

[lady-grace-pens]

letting my stories spin around my head like a microwave

[fangirleaconmigo]

omg for the can't believe it's not fanon: sharing beds & clothes I am fucking DROOLING over this

Hey there! Thanks for your vote. :D Alright, let’s make this ask my next installment off...(drumroll please)

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fanon

Otherwise known as, 

Facts that sound like Geraskier fic writers made them up, but are in fact, book canon.

Today our topic is:

Bed Sharing and Clothes Sharing

So, if there is one thing that Jaskier and Geralt will always do in a Geraskier fic, it’s share a bed in a roadside inn.  Sometimes it’s due to not having enough money. Sometimes it’s a ‘just one bed’ situation. Sometimes they are Just Like That. 

There is also a whole subgenre of fics where they share clothes. Usually it’s Jaskier borrowing Geralt’s clothes. But sometimes it’s the other way around. 

You might wonder whether all of this is a product of the fevered imagination of Geraskier fanfic writers. In TWN we do see Jaskier bathe him in the iconic ‘and yet here we are’ scene, but don’t actually see them share a bed. 

Well, never fear, I am here to put these questions to rest. (sorry I’m tired and loopy tonight, so if I sound drunk that’s why). Ok, so as I’ve said in other posts, in canon, these boys are a domestic unit. I’ve already talked about how they pool their money and manage it jointly. 

So if you’ve been following this series, you won’t be surprised to learn that....

Yep, it’s canon.

This post is about two times Geralt and Dandelion are described as sleeping in the same bed, (featuring an implication that this is a common arrangement) and one time when Geralt is mad at Dandelion, so Dandelion sleeps with someone else. (gotta watch your back, Geralt, folks will swoop in on that bard fast) Oh, and the clothes sharing. I’ll do that too.

Scene One. Bed Sharing. Sword of Destiny. So, in this short story, Geralt and Dandelion are staying at a merchant’s home, because Dandelion has been hired to play at a wedding. Geralt has gone to bed first, while Dandelion comes into their shared room a bit later.

The scene begins with a snarky Geralt “feigning” surprise that Dandelion has come back to their room for the night.

“Oho,” the Witcher said, feigning surprise. “So you’re here? I thought you wouldn’t be back tonight.”

Right away, it’s pretty hilarious. Well, look who decided to show up back at home. Look what the cat dragged in. Dandelion hangs up his lute and sits to remove his boots. 

“And why,” asked Dandelion, removing his boots, “did you think I wouldn’t be back tonight?”

“I thought,” the Witcher lifted himself up on an elbow, crunching bean straw, “you’d go and sing serenades beneath the window of Miss Veverka, at whom your tongue has been hanging out the whole evening like a pointer at the sight of a bitch.”

LMAO if Geralt doesn’t sound like a jealous wife here. You were drooling over that bitch all night, you dog. Dandelion is unperturbed (as usual).

“Ha, ha,” the bard laughed, “but you’re so oafishly stupid. You didn’t understand anything...move over.” Dandelion collapsed on the palliasse and pulled the blanket off Geralt. 

So, to summarize, in response, Dandelion roasts Geralt. Then, he bosses him around, plops down right next to him on the bed, and steals his blanket. That sounds about right.

Next, Dandelion explains his strategy with the women, saying he was just showing Veverka attention to get the interest of someone else. Geralt does not enjoy this.

“Geralt, feeling a strange anger, turned his head towards the tiny window...”

Dandelion notices how pissy he is, so he challenges him.

“Why so huffy?” the poet asked. “Does it bother you that I make advances to girls? Since when? Perhaps you’ve become a druid and taken a vow of chastity? Perhaps...”

So at this point, this chapter sounds literally exactly like a Geraskier fanfic. Now, of course, Geralt is pissy in the narrative because he embarrassed himself with Essi. But it still shows a lot of domesticity and emotional intimacy between the two of them for their friendship, and of course it is rich territory for a shipper. You can take a lot of things from that passage. You can hold that up to the light and take a long hard look at it.

Anyway, next, Dandelion starts to wax philosophical about women. In response, Geralt implies that these arrangements are not unusual.

Geralt groaned softy, as usual, when Dandelion was assailed by nocturnal talkativeness. 

So, according to this passage, Geralt is very familiar with Dandelion’s nocturnal habits, which implies they usually sleep together or at least very close to one another. 

Now, I’ve established that they sleep in the same bed in this scene, which is the point of this post. However, before I move on to scene two, I’m going to keep going with this one just a little longer, because Geralt continues to sound like a jealous wife and it makes me laugh. 

Dandelion continues talking about women and kissing them. He notices Geralt grinding his teeth.

“...why are you grinding your teeth, if I may ask?”

Geralt could easily just say, I’m tired. Shut up. But no. Oh, no.  He goes on another rant about what a whore Dandelion is, and folks, he’s got jokes.

“You’re incredibly boring, Dandelion. Nothing but palliasses, girls, bums, tits, incomplete happiness and kisses interrupted by dogs set on you by your lovers’ parents. Why, you clearly can’t behave any differently. Clearly easy lewdness, not to say uncritical promiscuity allows you musicians to compose ballads, write poems, and sing.”

The next part is his lil joke, which makes me laugh. He goes in for the kill.

“That is clearly-write it down-the dark side of your talent.”

Look, Geralt hooks up with women nonstop, so this is just hilarious. It makes him look really bitter like he’s having a tantrum.

Anyway, that whole scene is really rich for their dynamic, and they go on to argue about Geralt’s ‘otherness’ which is one of my favorite Dandelion passages in the books. But I’ll be talking about that in future posts, so I’ll try to stay focused on the ‘sleeps in the same bed’ topic at hand.

Clothes sharing scene one. 

In that same short story, Dandelion borrows Geralt’s shirt. He doesn’t ask, he simply informs Geralt of this. Geralt isn't bothered at all. Feels like a routine thing.

“I must go,” Dandelion suddenly said. “I’ve got a rendezvous with Akaretta. Geralt, I’m taking your jerkin, because mine is incredibly filthy and wet. 

“Everything here is wet,” Little Eye said sneeringly, nudging the articles of clothing strewn around with the tip of her shoe in disgust....

“It’ll dry off by itself,” Dandelion pulled on Geralt’s damp jacket and examined the silver studs on the sleeve with delight.

p228

I love that Dandelion is delighted with Geralt’s clothes. Geralt cares more about clothes than people give him credit for.

Ok. This second scene is one I haven’t seen people talk about on tumblr.

Bed Sharing Scene Two

In TIme of Contempt (pg 236) Dandelion has successfully made a terrifying journey into Brokilon forest to check on Geralt after Thanned. This scene begins the first morning after his arrival.

Dandelion awoke, and realized he had probably fallen asleep during the story, dropping off in mid-sentence. He shifted and almost rolled off the pile of branches. Geralt was no longer lying alongside him to balance the make-shift bed.

So, the first scene they slept together because the merchant wouldn’t give them two rooms. But there was the implication that they sleep together often. And here in the forest, they sleep together again on a makeshift bed of branches. Presumably, Brokilon is a big enough place for them to sleep on separate makeshift branch beds.  

ETA: Also, Dandelion fell asleep mid-sentence, meaning they are, again, talking late into the night sharing a bed.

More sharing of personal items. 

So next, Dandelion is catching Geralt up on all the politics post-Thanned. Dandelion refers to the political strife as a ‘game’. Geralt becomes upset.

“Enough,” Geralt said. “Not another word. When I hear the word ‘game’ I feel like killing someone. Oh, give me that razor. I want to have that shave at last.”

His beard has been bothering him. He hates having a beard. Dandelion protests that it’s too dark to shave.

“Now? It’s too dark.”

Geralt replies.

“It’s never too dark for me. I’m a freak.”

I FUCKING LOVE that scene, for so many reasons. First, just like Dandelion grabs Geralt’s blanket and clothes whenever he wants it, Geralt just demands Dandelion’s razor.

But while we're here, I'll also say this about Geralt calling himself a ‘freak’ resentfully. As bad as I feel for Geralt with all of his self worth problems, I love that he is able to just say it out loud without feeling self conscious about it. That shows a lot of trust in Dandelion. 

You see, Geralt is actually very emotionally insightful, and he’s almost a century old! He knows he sounds petulant when he gets like that. It’s just like the previous story I was discussing, where he was like ‘Dandelion you’re such a whore and I hate you’ lmao it was so absurd. Geralt knows this. But when he is with his best friend, he can let his moods just hang out. He can just be as emo and bratty as he wants. Dandelion will just lovingly tolerate him and occasionally tell him he’s being a dumbass.

Their friendship is just so comfortable and I know I keep saying domestic, but they really do act like partners. They are both so secure and safe being themselves, (though I think Dandelion couldn’t be anything else if he tried) and it warms my heart.

Ok, here's the third scene. 

Geralt yells at Dandelion, who then sleeps with someone else.

This takes place in Baptism of Fire, where Geralt is upset. He is probably more miserable, both emotionally and physically than he has been the entire saga up unto that point. He’s physically wounded, he’s beside himself with worry about Ciri, he’s sleep deprived, and he’s a giant mess. Not shockingly, Dandelion is getting on his last nerve.

Geralt has asked him not to tell people his mission to find Ciri. He wants to do this by himself. But Dandelion thinks they need friends and support, and he trusts Zoltan and his crew right away. (This is a big theme that book. Geralt refuses to let people help him and they bully him into accepting help.) So, Dandelion tells Zoltan the mission against Geralt's wishes. Geralt is livid. He yells at Dandelion. It goes a whole lot like that vine: “I should have left you on that street corner where you were standing. Butcha didn’t.” 

Then, they drink a lot of moonshine at Regis’s place, and Dandelion sleeps with Zoltan instead of Geralt.

Zoltan and Dandelion lay in each other’s arms on a pile of mandrake roots, snoring so powerfully that they were making the bundles of herbs hanging on the wall flutter. 

p145

Watch out Geralt, Zoltan is Mr. On My Way to Steal Your Bard. He's also crotchety with a heart of gold, so, just Dandelion's type.

Ok, I hope you guys enjoyed this installment of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fanon. Let me know if you have any requests for further posts.

Past Posts:

Geralt Is Protective of Jaskier(and why he’s so devoted to him)

Jaskier Is Protective of Geralt (Geralt is his specialest boy)

Geralt rescues Jaskier from kidnappers (and slaughters them all)

Geralt doesn't know Jaskier's real name or the fact that he is a Viscount until he learns from a third party in a hilarious way

Geralt can smell lust

[kushielsmercy]

Comments are grammatical gifts to the next reader. They inevitably make me open up my own fic again and swear as I find some new mistake

[grassylampshade]

literally every time

[izzy-hands]

The Witcher + Text Posts [12/?] (geraskier edition vol. 3)

[yenvengerberg]

#let’s play: correct or incorrect quote (9/?)

[vesemirsexual]

in my correct and right world, lambert accidentally ends up with a dog. he keeps saying he's going to dump it or feed it to drowners or leave it in some village - he does not. this is mainly because Dog inexplicably likes lambert, and lambert is pretending he's NOT having a good time telling all his best stories and dirty jokes to his new audience.

[vesemirsexual]

lambert will never admit it, but he fell in love with the damn dog at the first village they hit after he picked it up. someone raised their voice and got aggressive and before lambert could tell them to get fucked, the dog took matters into his own hands and bit them

[whyzowl-deactivated20240702]

Hand slip

[ughmerlin]

#local witcher gets manhandled by his bard despite having superhuman senses and strength (while simultaneously claiming not to care about said bard at all)

[izzy-hands]

Geraskier Incorrect Quotes [17/∞] (insp. @samstree)

[grassylampshade]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion Characters: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Porn, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Edging, Dom/sub, Dom Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Sub Jaskier | Dandelion, Premature Ejaculation, Hand Jobs, Strip Tease, Complete, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Bondage, Gags Summary:

“Why are you here?” Geralt’s voice is unbelievably deep, a growl that resonates differently in person than it does through Jaskier’s tinny laptop speakers.

Jaskier clears his throat and says, “I need your help.”

Jaskier wants to improve his stamina and Geralt is willing to lend him a hand.

@geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde @mayastormborn @thepassifloradiscord

[lesbianfairie-deactivated202212]

[tuulikki]

[grassylampshade]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 2/4 Fandom: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion Characters: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Porn, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Edging, Dom/sub, Dom Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Sub Jaskier | Dandelion, Premature Ejaculation, Hand Jobs, Strip Tease, Complete, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Bondage, Gags Summary:

“Why are you here?” Geralt’s voice is unbelievably deep, a growl that resonates differently in person than it does through Jaskier’s tinny laptop speakers.

Jaskier clears his throat and says, “I need your help.”

Jaskier wants to improve his stamina and Geralt is willing to lend him a hand.

[grassylampshade]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 1/4 Fandom: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion Characters: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Porn, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Edging, Dom/sub, Dom Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Sub Jaskier | Dandelion, Premature Ejaculation, Hand Jobs, Strip Tease, Complete, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Bondage, Gags Summary:

“Why are you here?” Geralt’s voice is unbelievably deep, a growl that resonates differently in person than it does through Jaskier’s tinny laptop speakers.

Jaskier clears his throat and says, “I need your help.”

Jaskier wants to improve his stamina and Geralt is willing to lend him a hand.

[vesemirsexual]

what's more bisexual, being bi or whatever tf lambert has going on

[grassylampshade]

@kushielsmercy

[planetesastraea]

Witcher Creatures Data Base

About the list This list was made in order to help writers pick a creature to feature in their works! - 1st list: alphabetical, 2nd list: sorted by kind, 3rd list: sorted by habitat. - You can also use Ctrl+F to search key words for categories. - By hovering on a creature name, you will get ...

Hey Witcher Writers, have you ever wondered any of the following questions?

Could Geralt have a chat with an Antherion? 

What creature could challenge Yennefer’s powers? 

What could Lambert run into in the Dank Wilderness? 

What creature could give Jaskier hallucinations? 

Which sword should I bring to a Wyvern fight?

HERE IS THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTIONS: The Witcher Creatures Data Base

Entirely based off every single bit of info I could get from the Witcher Wiki page. It’s not super mobile-friendly but it’s there!

If you find any mistake, missing information or would like to literally say anything to me, hit me up!

[wildxwired]

How fucking annoying is it when you feel so restless with creative energy but you can’t decide what to do with it and when you finally try to create something it comes out shit so you just give up and sit there being all creatively annoyed and jittery.

[lianabrooks]

1 - Decision Making Fatigue is a thing. --> Make a list of possibilities. --> Use a random number generator to pick something off the list. --> If you hate the idea cross it off and generate a new number. --> Continue until you either find a project or cross off the whole list. --> If you cross off the whole list pick a random short story prompt, write for five minutes, and call it a good work day.

2. Yeah, of course your rough draft sucks. It’s supposed to. --> Let it suck. --> You can fix it in edits. 

3. When you’re stressed you aren’t unbiased about your work. --> Don’t judge your work while your are actively working on it. --> Remember to drink water, take your meds/vitamins, eat something, and get sleep. --> Double-check to make sure the restless creative energy is not displaced emotional worries over something else. If it is, displace with intention and let the worries go into your work. You shouldn’t keep stress in your head, put it on a page, or canvas, or in a carving, or a meal, or something. Get it out and let it go.

4. No work is ever wasted. --> All time spent planning and creating is useful in some way.  --> Failure means you tried, which is good. --> Try again. Fail harder. Fail better. --> Keep going until you like what you’re making.

5. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to not be perfect. --> Seriously.  --> If this is a struggle I highly recommend seeing a doctor or therapist about depression. --> Because you are dang lovable, my friend. You rock. You do great things. I’m proud of you.