Obviously a nobody

Jokes on them I'm still alive

[catchymemes]

[citizen-zero]

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

[an-aura-about-you]

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

[gosshiku-hime-wa-yami-san]

“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!” “Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”

[randomthingsthatilike1]

“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”

[cappucino-commie]

Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”

[pencilias]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*me @ the demon under my bed* scoot over i wanna cuddle 

[meowing-velociraptor]

*me @ the shadows in the corner* come. I require hugs.

[lone-standing-tuft]

*me @ the monster in the closet*

Time for a bedtime story

[toopaste]

*me @ the ghost that lives in my attic* im comin up there bitch and we’re gonna watch movies and discuss them

[damn-shawty]

*me @ the spooper that chills in my basement* bruh lets replay every goddamn zelda we have non-stop

[adorkablecatnamedkyoko-deactiva]

*me @ the spooky that sits outside my window* do you wanna come in and have tea, it must be cold out there.

[kangaroo-r00]

*me @ the banshee shrieking in the woods* hey can i yell with you ive had a bad day

[britishdaydreaminggirl]

*me @ Bloody Mary at 3am in the bathroom* Girls night! Girls night!

[the-witch-named-mavis]

*me @ the vampire outside my window* come In, I’m lonely

[fire-incarnate]

*me @ the creature chanting ominously in the corner* hey man you want the last of these cookies I made

[lunafoxdoll]

*me @ the poltergeist on my roof* yo, you wanna see my new poecelain doll?

[bewareofthecar1966]

a girl i know told me how a guy she knows once moved out from his parents, ate nothing but fries and meatballs for HALF A YEAR, and got scurvy. imagine the doctor’s face when this guy shows up with like his gums bleeding and the doc has to fucking say DUDE…. THATS SCURVY…. in this day and age

[bewareofthecar1966]

this is turning into a “how a person i know got scurvy” thread and im so here for this, please share your scurvy stories if you have any

[aquarianconstellations]

the other day someone posted pics from the reddit page r/zerocarbs where these fools only ate meat and 0 vegetables or fruits and all the posts were about various symptoms of scurvy. i died when one literally read ‘i don’t want to start the vitamin C debate again but’

[bewareofthecar1966]

THE VITAMIN C DEBATE

[elidyce]

My mother told me all about scurvy when I was five and trying to resist eating pumpkin and let me tell you it’s been 35 years and I still get nervous if I go for two days without eating a green vegetable. 

I told my own little picky eater about scurvy, rickets etc and now one of her most frequently requested lunch items is baby spinach, closely followed by carrots.

I’m not saying everyone should mildly traumatize their children to make them understand that vegetables are vital to ongoing possession of your teeth and organs, but.. no, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Go for it. 

[ariadne83]

some guys i used to know went on a boys only road trip. they decided they were only going to eat things they could cook on the engine block of the car.

two of them got scurvy. one of them drank so much jagermeister + red bull that he temporarily lost the ability to see in colour.

[dexvoan]

im sorry he what now

[tinypi]

i’ll be honest i’m not even sure half of these are vines but here we go

[thefurtrade]

VINES ARE THERAPY

[dont-fear-thereaper]

imcrying

[gaycism]

Murder at Disney

[neuroticgaymusings-deactivated2]

If Edna dissed me like that I’d have to throw my whole self in the trash out of shame.

[xxred-five-standing-byxx-deacti]

“Hey, look. I got the hammer. And it only took me, like, what? 10 seconds. 11 tops.”

[red-faced-wolf-deactivated20251]

The best

[ironbloodaika]

Glad he hasn’t been forgotten.

[official-katori]

[vivairi-deactivated20190813]

Reblog every time

[alternicobase]

[durbikins]

[roqo-deactivated20201013]

im in tears i can fucking FEEL elmo’s thoughts 

[buystars]

[no-chill-at-all]

[srry-m0m]

this is cute as HELL

[kikimora-apologist]

Same energy

[khe1]

i would die for you yoshi

You Will.

[414lilj-deactivated20170902]

I’m at the “we’ll see” stage in my life. With everything and everyone. We will see.

[shot-gun-shells]

Having Depression for years is so wild because you just kinda become?? Desensitized to your own suffering?? Like yeah I want to kill myself every day. Oh, oh yeah normal people don’t have that????? Oh shit I forgot

[catchymemes]

[antique-scarecrow]

THE FUCKING PUNCHLINE, I’M ENDED

[danielkanhai]

i’m not against vaping, but man, vaping two inches from my face on the subway is a ridiculous asshole kind of move. this dude was billowing like he was auditioning for the role of haunted house fog machine. the humidity in the whole car changed, he was ruining haircuts. just jump starting the water cycle. condensation was dripping down my glasses. people were slipping off poles, it was chaos. it was like watching one man try to terraform the moon. a planet with one dense, root beer scented atmosphere blocking out the sun and choking all life. 

[jazzcochina-deactivated20180807]

i consider this a sort of prose poem to be honest

[magicalinspo]

take a breath, spit out the blood in your mouth, and get back up on your feet. you still got a couple of motherfuckers to prove wrong.

[ginger-ale-official]

Me getting up from the chair at the dentist after a quadruple root canal

[humanimalgam]

my adhd ass when someone says something and expects me to be able to comprehend it the first time

[humanimalgam]

“not adhd but-”

[minerva-is-a-robot]

i like this meme so much better than “make ur own post”