Why I Wanted to Leave My Interracial Relationship
Iâve been in an interracial relationship for 10 years. Well, not 10 straight years. We dated for 1 ½ years, split up, then got back together and have been together for 8 ½ years. So, in actuality, Iâve known this person for 14 years now. Sheâs white. Whatâs happening in our country as a response to police brutality and the numerous killings of Black people opens all wounds on a personal level for many of us as well. So, the true conversation that the country is beginning to have on race and its history of racism has only amplified issues of race within our relationship.
I love this woman. That love of course includes that she is like-minded and well-meaning. But she is white. Even though I am the child of an arranged marriage, I suppose the American ideals of love set in. We donât know who we will end up loving and the more open-minded we are to the possibilities, the more likely we are to find that person that fits us. And, perhaps growing up predominantly in a white environment made me more inclined to end up with someone white. Or maybe its my own internal systemic issues with race and beauty. Iâm not sure. But Iâve been in a relationship with a white woman for a decade now.
I knew what I was getting into on a general level in an interracial relationship. I knew that with any woman of another race that I dated. I understood the history of racism and interracial relationships that existed in this country. We werenât that far off historically from this being illegal. We certainly werenât that far off from, in the wrong place, me being made an example of for being with a white woman. Iâm aware of my race every second of my life let alone when Iâm with a white woman.
This posed tension for our relationship early on and even to this day. I did not feel like she felt this same concern and connection with history because sheâs white. Sometimes it was frustrating because she would behave and act as if she had no awareness at all of this history. It speaks to her good nature and why I fell in love with her but it doesnât speak to reality and my existence which is necessary to have with a partner. To her, she is a good white person and there would be no problems. But, particularly at a time in our lives when we were drinking, Iâd express to her how some of her behavior when drinking was problematic. If the possibility that the wrong people would arrive or that cops were called, I, as the person of color, could be in deep trouble. I, as the brown man with the white woman, could be susceptible to all the systemic stereotypes ingrained in our culture. I would be the one punished for even entering into a relationship with the white maiden.
   Who knew love could develop from a shoulder strength contest at age 22?
Nothing cut more deep than when she had said to me in the past, âSometimes I forget youâre Indianâ or âSometimes I forget youâre Brown.â This is the equivalent of saying that she did not see my race. This is a tough thing for a person of color let alone to hear from the person that I love. Itâs nice that she lives in an innocent, idealistic world where my race does not matter, can be forgotten, and that I am just an equal to her. But that is a punch in the stomach for me as a person of color because it isnât reality. Every day Iâm very aware of my race. Iâm aware of my race in our relationship. So, for her to say that, hurt me. It made me feel that my experience, my feelings, and who I am were being erased. Thatâs hard to hear from my partner, from the person I live with, from the person Iâm closest to, from the person I love.
Our conversations on race were always trouble and left us worse off than better. She would describe me as âangryâ and âattacking her.â Because of her upbringing, if someone raised her voice at her, she would take it personally. I was understanding of that psychologically for her, but it only frustrated me more because where was the care for my psychology and the effects on psychology that systemic racism had on me? Iâm angry? I should be! Everyone should be angry when you understand my experience and Iâm even angrier in understanding the experiences of Black and Brown people that have even less opportunities than I had and that have been hurt even further by this system.
My partner has issues with anxiety and so often the conversations would unravel and she would have deep anxiety over her âwhite guilt.â This is where my status as a loving partner and as a Brown man have to separate. I ended up just doing what I could as a partner to lessen her anxiety. But, of course, this would enrage the Brown man part of me even more. Why am I responsible for soothing your âwhite guiltâ? Why am I not receiving any soothing in this relationship for the experiences Iâve had under my brown skin? Because Iâm less prone to anxiety attacks? Hell, I should be getting more anxiety attacks than you because of the effects of the âwhite guiltâ youâre experiencing! It was even more frustrating because I felt that I was always open to listening to her and her feelings particularly in being a woman that I could never understand as a man. How could she not do the same for me as a brown-skinned person?
There is nothing more absurd and maddening to me as a person of color than feeling you have to make a white person feel better about their place in systemic racism. And that was happening regularly with the person that I love. There were many moments that I felt that I should give up on this relationship and interracial relationships in general. Things would be so much easier on a racial level and being able to connect with someone on it if I was with an Indian-American woman who cared about those issues as well.
Recent debates on race between us, the death of Ahmaud Arbery, and then a conversation she had on Facebook with a Black friend led her to ordering books on race that were suggested to her. Part of me honestly rolled my eyes. I thought to myself, âThank you for trying. I love you but weâve been through this for 10 years.â I was convinced none of these books or none of her Facebook friends of color were going to somehow change how her mind worked if I, her partner of 10 years, wasnât able to. I thought again to myself, âIf you canât handle me getting mad at you, trust me, your Facebook friends of color and these books will be much angrier!â
But then the country began its reaction to the death of George Floyd. Iâll admit that the first weekend I was particularly bitter and frustrated which is likely the way Iâve felt about race and meaningful change for years. I had a conversation on Facebook that amounted to nothing productive on the use of the word âthug.â I felt like everything would just repeat itself again. Anger over the death of another Black person at the hands of the police. Black Lives Matter gets said. The rest of the country does not step up or react enough. The system certainly doesnât react or make change. Back to the next news story after a couple days and another Black life is forgotten and police brutality and systemic racism continues on.
As the week progressed, though, I began to see a change unlike what I had seen before. White people were becoming willing to stand up, speak out, and learn. They were ready finally to be open and uncomfortable about race, an issue that they had long avoided but need to be uncomfortable with because it is uncomfortable.
This amped up our own personal conversations and realizations. She had already expressed learning more about how to be better with race but what was happening in the country was allowing her to face it head-on. It was allowing me to face it head-on as well.
She began to understand that just because she is well-meaning and white does not mean that she is innocent. She began to understand systemic racism. She ultimately apologized to me. She accepted that she didnât allow me to express my position. She didnât allow me to feel emotions. By doing that, she only intensified my emotions. In whatever relationship you may have, if you donât allow the other person the ability to express themselves and the ability to feel and listen and show compassion to them on any topic, then the relationship will suffer.
And, look, there is likely some apologizing that Iâm going to have to do. Not necessarily to her specifically but to the general population and to Black and Brown people. Iâve already shifted my previous perspective on the word âprivilegeâ (which Iâll likely write about in the future). Iâve seen that as vocal as I may have been, I also allowed my bitterness, frustration, and fear to lead me to be silent in many situations. So, this isnât just an introspective time for white people. Itâs an introspective time for all of us. Many of us have benefited in some way from systemic racism. But because Iâve also been on the downside of systemic racism, where I have certainly been seen as more Black than white in many situations, I can understand this to defend those not so high up in the system while also being critical of myself for my place in the system and what effect that has had on me.
Like so many relationships, there may always be underlying issues. Mine had one with race as it should have given who I am and that I was in an interracial relationship. Now for the first time I feel like weâre beginning to have the real discussion on race that Iâve wanted and many people of color have wanted. White people appear ready to finally feel uncomfortable, honest, and raw with their place in systemic racism. And, hey, if I can say that Iâm even experiencing that with someone Iâve loved, live with, and been close to for well over a decade, imagine the possibilities for you with those you love in your life.
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