Grunch

Weekly Grunch. "Mm-Grunch..." -Grunch

[grunchthereal]

Grunch Chapter 20 - Gnoblinome

Grunch met the leaders of Gnoblinome Town. Three Gnomes and one Goblin sitting on little thrones in a rather large court, large enough for Grunch to stand. They were all about as tall as Grunch’s thighs, which was terribly awkward. And they were all very averse to being called “little fellow,” so Grunch tried calling them “Big fellow,” which also didn’t go well, so he called them, “Fellows.”

“That would be Lord-Fellows, to you, human!” The three gnomes were indistinguishable by Grunch, even though they were stationary. Their names were Boggle, Shinoggle and Throngoggle, and one of those sounded familiar but Grunch couldn’t quite place it. The Gnoblinome court was carved out of an enormous boulder and an ancient tree next to it. The thrones were part of the tree. A roof made of dry leaves and mud connected the boulder to the tree.

Grunch asked, “May I please help you make peace with the Tinnicks?” The tallest gnome among them put his hand up, causing the others to look at him. He said, “Human, the beastfolk have wronged us deeply, stealing away our people, and trading weapons with rebellious peasants of our town… we need your help to stop them! Will you join our war, please? For the honor of all people?” And the gnomes demanded justice while the goblin sat there seemingly too nervous to speak.

Grunch smelled something awry so he danced off to the beastmen and spoke to their leader. This was a grey-haired beastman, with old eyes and long whiskers that said, “Ah! You must be the man. What seems to be your trouble, human?” And Grunch said, “Well, the lord gnome fellows want me to free the gnome fellow you have but I want to know why you captured him.”

And the beastman said, “Well, human, if you must know, he came with a torch to burn down our tents, so we butchered him and dried his meat to keep, but gnomeflesh tends not to be so good with heat so we ate most of him raw.” And to this Grunch asked, “Oh. Why did you eat him?” And the beastman said, “Well, human, we need to eat. Also, gnomes have hallucinogenic properties that allow us to see ghosts.” And to this Grunch said, “Oh! Beastman ghosts or human ghosts?” And the beastman said, “Well, mostly beast ghosts, but sometimes human ghosts, but never beastman ghosts. We have no ghosts.”

And Grunch said, “Oh. I didn’t know that.” And the beastman said, “yes, human, many don’t.” And they went to explain that every Tinik soul was reincarnated as another Tinik, in the great cycle of birth and rebirth and rebirth. This was very fascinating, but Grunch needed answers, so he went back to the town of Gnoblinome and asked the leaders, “Um. Hello, deer lord gnome fellows… why did the gnome fellow try and burn down the beastmans’ tents?”

And the gnomes acted shocked, “Oh my goodness! We had no idea!” They said, but then their leader Boggle said, “Well, he is a brave and honorable hero to attempt to drive off those wretched beasts. We will make him a parade.” And Grunch asked, “Why do you want the Tinnicks to leave?” And Shinoggle, who had not specifically been addressed, stood from his throne and said, “There is nothing in this world more vile and corrupt than the Beastman’s lower races… nothing in hell can match the savage-” and Boggle interrupted him, “Well, actually, it was purely a matter of town security because they were trading with violent goblin groups in the wretched slums.”

Grunch had a feeling that the gnomes were not pure in their intentions so he went off to the beastfolk and asked the leader, “Did you trade with evil goblins?” And the beastman leaderman said, “What? No, they were very friendly and polite.” And Grunch said, “Oh! It’s all misunderstandings then, eh fellow, that’s fine then, we’ll be able to clear this up quick!”

And then Boggle said, “What? Wh- no the goblins they traded with want to destroy our government. That’s bad, you have to tell them to stop trading with the goblins.” And Grunch asked, “All the goblins? But I thought it was just some of them?” But Boggle said, “Yes, fellow, all of them. They’re all evil. I mean look at Pogart here.” He pointed to the goblin in the room and Pogart shrunk back into his chair, “Um… hello…” he said, quite timidly.

Grunch went back to the beastmen and asked them why the gnomes were so mean to the goblins, and the beastman said, “Gnomes are cunts. Please excuse my language.” And that cleared things up quite well so Grunch went back to Gnoblinome but this time he went to the goblins, careful not to step on anyone or their belongings. And there he saw a goblin fellow giving a rousing angry speech and Grunch said, “Um, sorry to bother you, fellow, but I’ve been told by gnomes that Goblins are evil, and told by Tinnicks that Goblins are nice, so I wanna know for myself, if you don’t mind, fellow.”

The Goblin said, “Oh sure, come sit down, but don’t crush anyone or their house. I’m just telling my fellows about the struggle of our Goblin proletariat against the bourgeois Gnomigarchy. These words were a little too big for Grunch but he sat down and listened and he learned that there were many many issues plaguing Gnoblinome society and the Gnomes tended to blame the Goblins, but the Goblins blamed the Gnomes, and a very familiar sentiment was said by this goblin fellow, “Why should all the wealth of Gnoblinome be the property of a few conical hats!?” And suddenly it all made sense. The gnomes were the Crown of Gnoblinome, and he wondered if human places also had people represented by their Crown. Mind blowing.

So then, Grunch set off to go solve the real issue at hand, Gnomigarchical rule! He asked the Goblin if they had traded weapons with the Tinnicks, and he said, “What? No, they gave us food and stuff and exchanged it for trinkets and bits and bobs and so on. Why do you ask?” And Grunch asked about Pogart, prompting a great sigh from the goblin fellow, “Oh Pogart… poor guy. I mean, he’s the only goblin that survived this long into his term as Goblin Mayor. Two weeks! Because he hasn’t gone against the demands of the Gnome Lords.”

Grunch asked what happened to the other Goblin Mayors and the fellow said, “Gone. Disappeared, seven Goblins all forgotten and ignored by the gnome media. We’re fucked, man. There’s no justice in this place.” And Grunch said, “Hm.” And he went off to do something about this.

To the Gnomes he went and he said to them, “ Um, hello, I wonder why you don’t want the Tinnicks trading food and stuffs with the Goblins?” And Boggart said, “Good Gnome God, boy, can’t you just do what someone tells you? You’re worse than the goblins!” And Grunch said, under pressure, “I don’t know, I think the Goblins is fine,” And he turned to Pogart, “You, fellow, follow me, fellow. This is important.” And despite the raving of Boggle, Pogart followed Grunch out of the throne room and into the streets of Gnoblinome. The Gnomes followed, quite worried, Shinoggle struggled not to hurl insults and Boggle said, “Big fellow, what are you doing? Do you think you can reason with these creatures? Just look at them!”

Pogart looked up at Grunch with blank eyes located on the side of his head which was mostly nose. A weird triangular rounded nose, he looked like a shark. Pogart said, “Sorry.” And Grunch said, “Don’t be sorry, little fellow, I think you look great.” Pogart smiled at him with horrible gnarled teeth made for gnashing while following Grunch further into the streets of Gnoblinome, farther from the rich throne. The Gnomes followed too until they reached the edge of the slums, where they clutched their hats and said, “No! No! Don’t go there, big fellow! They’ll corrupt you fellow, with their terrible awful curse… Gobbunism!”

Grunch stopped there and picked up Pogart by the armpits and said, “Look, fellow, this is what those gnomes are doing! They’re taking all your things and making you all work for them and make things for their things, you need to grab the means of making stuffs, fellow! You don’t need the gnomes at all! They’re making you docile, fellow, they’re taking all your Goblin and making it Gnome! Be a Goblin, fellow, be Pogart! Pogart the Goblin!” Pogart stared back at him with his blank eyes and he said, “Pogart!” And Grunch set him down gently and he said, “Pogart!” And the gnomes all took a few steps back.

Goblins watched from the windows of their run down apartments and filthy homes and whispered, “Pogart?” And they watched as Pogart approached the Gnomes. He yelled, “POGART!” And he mauled Boggle’s face with his gnarled gnashing teeth. The Gnomes screamed and ran from the goblin and goblins began streaming out from their homes and attacking every gnome they saw. And Grunch stood there staring in awe and he cried, watching all the goblins become the goblins they were meant to be. “Pogart…” he whispered, “Pogart!”

Grunch went back to the beastmen and he spoke to their leader and said, “The goblins are eating all the gnomes.” And the beastfellow said, “What! Oh no! We have to get some before they're all gone! And half of them ran off to Gnoblinome to catch some Gnomes. Grunch went back out of the woods, and by now it was time for dinner so he ate with the farmers and Dumay, and nobody asked about his day so he didn’t think it was important to share until Dumay asked and Grunch explained, and Dumay said, “Grunch… what the fuck?”

[grunchthereal]

Hi

Hi it’s me Grunch II, continuing Grunch.

[grunchthereal]

Tragedy.

Hello all, this is the author’s parents speaking. The author, who will henceforth go by Grunch, was tragically struck by a fast-moving watercraft while partying on the beach yesterday. Unfortunately, there will never be new chapter of Grunch by Grunch the real. I’m sorry to everyone who read and enjoyed the series so far but our sweet non-binary has passed on to the next life.

Grunch’s sibling, who will henceforth be called Grunch II, has decided to take up the mantle of finishing Grunch to completion. 

-Grunch family

hi, I’m Grunch II, I gotta be honest with you, I do not know what in god’s name Grunch is supposed to be about. My sibling left behind about 40,000-100,000 words worth of notes all stored in several google docs. They’re surprisingly well organized, but still very nonsensical. I read through most of it and I think I have the jist of the story.

First of all, Grunch dies, one day early, because apparently “nobody’s gonna predicts[sic] this, breuh [sic]” and this will actually result in Dumay causing the real ‘End Times’ as revenge against the world. It doesn’t say why.

Eventually Dumay finds a 75 year old woman named Shiela “who is described as the ultimate bbw” whatever that means. Shiela actually kills both Gasga and Giscon in the “Visigoth” and “Kobatoty” Arcs respectively. She also has sex with Dumay at the end of the world, giving birth to the god of destruction who is “described like mort from the penguins show but vague and esoterically” (I don’t know).

Apparently Gasga was supposed to talk about her breasts?? And also assassinate Emperor Nemo (like the fish?) of the Andals and the First Men and also Germans which and I quote “directly contradicts Shiela’s part but we’ll crosd[sic] that bridge when we got[sic] to it”

There’s this character referred to only as “Big Guy (Dave)” who had 2 and a half pages dedicated to him even though he hasn’t appeared yet, like his whole backstory is it’s own story, I don’t know why they didn’t post this. Apparently this Dave guy was a half-dragon half-elf half-bear half-angel/demon guy who was also prophesized as the hero that would stop the apocalypse at the last second. He was also gonna kill the emperor but a comment on the side says “but sheila..” and then there was a list of potential other names because and I quote: “Dave is too jewish” I really did not know that they were like this, It’s actually slightly worrying and I hope it’s just because the character is supposed to be “slavic or maybe Bosnian”

There is way too much information about Big Guy so I will continue. So far the story hasn’t really gone over a lot of important stuff but I’m pretty sure Grunch was going to be resurrected in rome? Also an odd “man” (always referred to in quotes) wearing a “golden frilly jacket and blue dress from the future” would “appear, introducing Dumay and Grunch’s corpse to the concept of Bubulum Stercus” I don’t know what that means and I wont ruin your own idea of what it might be.

I really don’t know if I can continue any of this. I think this is the product of one very specific person’s mind but I guess I can try after releasing the chapters already written. If it’s not good enough don’t hesitate to Shove it up your Ass.

-Grunch II, April 1st, 2026

[grunchthereal]

Grunch Hiatus.

No new grunch for a while sorry. I need to lock in.

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 19

Grunch was working the fields after meeting Gwynfor, just done fixing a rather large patch of wretched soil when he saw something shiny. He took a closer look and learned that the shiny was in fact a rock. A red rock that sparkled. So beautiful was this little stone that he picked it up and admired it and said, “Oh! That’s a nice rock!”

Then he saw that there was another rock. One of similar size and different eye catching colors and this one Grunch picked up as well and said, “Fas- fass-ish-inating!” And he was right, but the most fascinating part was yet to come because when he looked up he saw…

Another rock.

So now he knew that something was awry, so he put the rocks back carefully and followed the odd colorful rock trail into the woods. And it kept going, through bushes and shrubs and thistles and so on. Grunch’s legs were covered in thistles as he danced through the woods and found himself at an odd-shaped tree. It seemed to him that it glowed just a little, like sundogs and rainbows. It smelled like earth and wood and moving water. It was very refreshing from the stagnant mud of the field.

Grunch knocked on the tree door politely and from inside came an odd voice, “Ah! Welcome! Come in!” And so Grunch tried but found he was actually about twice the size of the door which was no good. So the fellow inside said, with a terribly grating small voice, “Oh dear! You’re quite larger than I thought! But no worries, Help Me!”

Grunch, a little confused, asked, “What do you need help with little fellow?” And the little fellow said, “Well I’m sure you’re shocked to see g-nomes and g-noblins about but I need you to help me find my friend!”

Grunch said, “I think they’re pronounced Goblins.” So the G-nome said, “Right. My friend has been wrongfully imprisoned by nature spirits, can you save him!?” And Grunch rightfully asked, “Why did you make a path through the woods out of rocks? Can’t you just ask?” And the gnome said, “I’m… shy…”

So Grunch asked the gnome fellow’s name and he said, “Oh of course! How rude! I am Boggle, and my friend’s name is Froggle, and my mother’s name was Troggle before she died but my father’s name is Thoggle! And my neighbor that way-”

“Shut up!” Said Grunch, who was overwhelmed and would not retain any of those names, “I’ll find your friend, stop please!” And he danced off into the woods to find Foggle or whatever it was.

Into the woods, the dark and manless woods where few dared to venture, where the forestfolk and feyfolk reside. Grunch quickly found a band of forestmen, all two heads shorter than Grunch with fox-like heads and antlers on top. They had spears and bows and they weren’t happy to see him. He said, “Hello fellows! I was told there’s a fellow named something or something -oggle whose friend wishes his health!”

The forestfolk made sounds reminiscent of laughter and a few crept close and one whose fur was gray and his eyes unreadable said, “The fey have wronged us, there is war between us, human, it is best you return from the woods.” The beastmen gnashed their sharp teeth, their jaws were all ready to rip the fellow apart but he said, “Well fellow, what’s caused this war of yours, maybe I can help you both and your fightings can stop. Think about it, fellow!”

The beastman said, “We are not fellows. We are Tinik. If you believe you can provide use then you may meet with our leaders, but if you are of no use you will be butchered for all your body’s resources. Do you understand?” Grunch thought about it momentarily and chose to leave, dancing through the forest toward what turned out to be a gnome and goblin village. Everything glowed slightly, it felt like walking in a dream.

A gnome with a red conical hat and blue pants and no shirt said to Grunch, “How are you big fellow?” And Grunch told him matter-of-factly, “Grunch.”

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 18

Dumay and Grunch worked in the fields through their days with Geralt and Wynn. Little food was recovered. The stores weren’t empty of course, they always grew more than needed, but these were hard times. Every farm across Brythonnia and presumably all the lands were having this very issue.

All the plants had begun turning brown under ash and black clouds and frost. The family tried not to worry.

Today, on the third day of staying with the farmers, Grunch met the oldest boy, Whose name was Gwynfor, meaning fair and large. Grunch laughed because he was actually quite small and Dumay said correctly, “He’s practically my size fellow, that’s big for a boy his age… How old are you, boy?”

He puffed out his chest, “Sixteen, fellow.” Which made Dumay say, “Oh. I suppose I was smart for my age.” Much to Gwynfor’s dismay. And Grunch explained himself by saying, “Well, Dummy, your name's not big, eh fellow? The little fellow’s name is Big! Ha!”

The boy Gwynfor got mad and punched Grunch in the arm, which did nothing but hurt his hand. Grunch wagged a finger at him and Gwynfor suddenly learned a very important lesson. Dumay was then forced to teach him how to fight. He began with boring basics. Gwynfor was very annoyed and he tried to urge Dumay to just let him learn to fight. Dumay refused.

“Your feet are wrong, boy. You aren’t leaning well, fellow. You need to make yourself small to hit, boy. You may be small but you’re big as a house!” These were among the many criticisms that Dummy had to offer. Gwynfor’s attempts to defeat the old fellow were all in vain. Rageful slash after overreaching jab found him on his belly or back, cursing the swordsman. Dumay said, quite harshly, “You know boy, it’s easier to hit you with this unbalanced piece of wood than it is to hit a castle wall with a shortbow.”

Gwynfor then attempted to tackle Dummy which failed as the old fellow dodged him and knocked him on his belly, “You’re an angry fellow! Not much reason to be, eh fellow? You’ll learn real anger if you join the levy or the militia. You know why?”

Gwynfor looked up at Dumay with eyes full of anger and spite and the makings of tears. The Dummy said, “You’ll see your friends die right next to you and you’ll want revenge, but boy, nothing will ever bring them back. And after you're angry, after the fight, if you’re alive, all you can do is keep living. And that doesn’t take anger, boy. It takes courage. There’s nothing brave about swinging madly and conquering others. You’ll learn that, or you’ll die a fool.”

Gwynfor’s expression slowly shifted through the old fellow’s speech. He looked only a slight bit wisened, and Dumay looked down with experience, “If you want the sword so you can be mad, you won’t have it for long. Now get up, fix your stance, and practice your eyes.” So Gwynfor did. And they practiced all the rest of the day until Dumay was too tired to continue.

Dumay told Grunch of his day and Grunch told him, “Oh. I inspired goblins to revolt against the Gnomigarchy of Gnoblinome and some beastmen joined in eating all the gnomes,” and Dummy said, “What?” Because Grunch’s day was somewhat unconventional. 

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 17

“Come on! Please!?” Said the oldest boy to Dumay. And Dumay breathed a long and rehearsed sigh before saying, “Fine, boy. If you want to be a swordsman, you’ll make yourself a sword to duel me with. Come to me with a wooden sword and I’ll duel you.”

So naturally, the young fellow ran off to get a wood sword and fight the old fellow but Dumay walked off to join Grunch in his activities.

Grunch was pacing outside the barn, which wasn’t much like him to Dumay’s imagination so he went and asked the fellow, “What’s wrong fellow? What has you pacing like such?”

And Grunch said to the Dummy, “Death, fellow. Death!” And he went back to pacing. So Dummy said to him, “Ah. Indeed. Death.” And he stood by the fellow and asked, “What’s made you reckon with death, fellow? 

“Cow…” said Grunch, mournfully, and then, “Dummy horse…” and Dumay frowned and said, “Ah, yes fellow, indeed. Death. I suppose you saw a dead cow too?” And Grunch nodded, his expression was all limp and pouty, his eyes were wet. Dumay put a hand on his shoulder, “I’m sorry, fellow…”

Dumay struggled to put his thoughts into words. He thought of the dead that they would see in their futures and the weeping that they would both do and he hugged Grunch, which nobody else had yet tried to do. He hugged Dumay back and they stood together in grief.

“I’m sorry big fellow. Let’s go take our minds off of death, eh fellow?” Grunch nodded and they wandered off to find something emotionally light to do. 

The boy ran up with an oddly sword-shaped stick that was slightly sharpened and said, “I’m ready, sword-man!” And Dumay, in one quick motion, chopped the thing in half with his blade and said, “A proper training sword, boy. That’s a twig.” And the two continued offwards.

Dumay showed Grunch what he used to do in his spare time as a child. Catching frogs after rains. A slippery and agility-demanding game. Grunch wasn’t quite suited for it but he had fun. He slipped in the mud and all the frogs evaded him. One rested on his head next to his deer. Dumay caught it and showed him.

It was a dark muddy green thing with long legs for jumping and odd feet. Its eyes were pretty, brown and black and yellow and so on. It was bumpy and slimy and it squealed when Dumay held it. He released it back into the mud and found another. Grunch and Dumay looked at all the creatures of the mud until dinner time came. Then they cleaned themselves up and went inside and ate with the family of Wynn and Geralt.

After dinner, the eldest boy said defiantly to Dumay, “Look. I did it. Now fight me, old man.” And Dumay looked at the boy’s wood sword and said, “Fine work, boy! But, I need one too, or else I’ll cut it right in half.” And the boy groaned and ran off to start his next sword.

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 16

The rest of the day was better. Grunch played games with the youngest boy Berwyn. They pretended for fight each other with sticks. The sticks were thin and flimsy and kept breaking against Grunch’s armor so he took it off but quickly put it back on when he realized being hit with sticks stung a lot.

Berwyn was a brute. Grunch most often couldn’t hold the little man off and Berwyn wouldn’t flinch at all from the stick. “Doesn’t it sting little fellow?” Grunch asked. Berwyn, the little bugger, grinned and said, “No!”

The eldest boy said to Dumay, “Is that a real sword?” And Dumay, with a hand resting on the real shortsword against his hip said, “No.” and the boy said, “Oh. Really? Well, can i see it?” And Dumay said, “fine, boy,” and pulled the blade from its sheath, “See, a real sword, never seen one, eh fellow?”

He shook his head, “Never. Do you know how to use it?” And Dumay laughed, “Wouldn’t be much use if I didn’t, eh fellow?”

And the eldest boy, a smart lad, said, “Could be. If you were careful. Could you teach me?” And Dumay put the sword away and said, “No, boy,” and he sat down to enjoy the cool air that had frosted in the summer’s night. The boy said, “I’m no boy, fellow. I’m old enough to join the levy! I’m a man now.”

Dumay giggled at him and said, “Okay!” shrugging, and went back to resting his eyes, putting his feet up on a log for good measure. The boy glared at him, “Give me one good reason not to teach me,” And Dumay said, “Well, fellow, if you died in glorious battle I think your mother would kill you.”

The boy said, “Well, I’d be dead, and gloriously no less. She couldn’t.” And Dumay leaned towards him, “Oh I wouldn’t be so sure, fellow. You’ve never seen it.” And the boy said, “Seen what? Don’t tell me a fairy tale, fellow.” Dumay glanced around and whispered, “I’ve seen fellows just killed, rise up and scream for their mothers only to die again…” Dumay stood up, “I saw a fellow, IMPALED through his heart, fallen seconds later, stand up tall and afraid and shaking and scream, ‘MAMA!!! J’EST DESOLÉE!!!!!’ And then I saw his soul come out of his body and fall to the earth.”

The eldest boy stared at Dumay with an expression somewhere between disbelief and fear. Dumay looked into his eyes with unsane seriousness. They were interrupted by the mother’s shout for lunch.

There, Dumay confessed to Wynn and Geralt that their son was a reckless and excited war boy. And they discussed what solution there could be to this issue. Geralt said, “Oh just let the boy be a soldier, he’ll do fine.”

And Wynn, a wise mother, slapped her husband's arm and told the fellow, “You know, you could try and make him earn that sword training. Test him somehow so he’ll either find something better or get properly good at it. That’s how to do it.”

And Dumay agreed. But what to do?

[grunchthereal]

Grunch Chapter 15

The morning was more bleak than the ruined farmland. Geralt looked outside often. He was looking at frost that had formed on the windows overnight. The summer had ended 4 months early. The sky was gray, slightly brighter than the day before, yet still shrouded in the first step of the End Times.

Geralt asked Grunch to help him hunt and Grunch said, “No. I don’t like hurting the deer sirs, fellow. Not one bit, fellow…” so Geralt didn’t insist. The day was full of repairs for the injured buildings that the storm had beaten. Fixing leaks and whatnot.

Geralt had a wise idea and asked Grunch to push him onto the roof. Grunch held his feet and pushed him up as much as he could and then the farmer stepped off onto the building. Everyone was quite impressed by Grunch. It made him feel quite good about himself.

Dumay went hunting with Geralt and Wynn’s eldest son, whose name was incomprehensible to Grunch. Grunch stayed out of it and clutched his deer effigy that adorned his dent. Grunch and Geralt made quick work of all their work. Grunch threw supplies up to the fellow and helped him up and down and followed him where he went and hauled materials, planks of wood.

The barn was the worst place to go. Grunch couldn’t move when he saw the cow laying dead. Geralt asked the big fellow to help him drag it out for the forestfolk and Grunch vomited in the mud. So instead they worked on fixing the roof. This place Grunch had to climb. He climbed up on top next to Geralt and helped him by holding wood boards against there and sealing the roof with thatch and turf and so on. 

Peering down through holes in the thatch and wood Grunch saw the dead eyes of the creature staring. They were blank and they were awful and he worried that this may be a common sight in the coming End Times that Dumay briefly described. The events of which were vague to him. Storm, Decay, Wrath, Magic, Hellfire, and Plague. Storm had come. Was decay next? Was this decay? Is this what would become of all of us? All his fellows? 

Grunch watched flies swarm the cow’s head and looked at its skin which had long begun peeling. He realized that this may be him one day. Lying dead and staring at the sky. It didn’t register yet when the horse collapsed. It just looked like it had fainted. It didn’t look like death. Now he saw death. He hoped that he would see the sky. And above, the dark grey blanked loomed. Each smoky cloud sewn to the other. He looked at all of these while Geralt worked. He witnessed what would be their future.

“Grunch sir, are you okay?” Geralt asked with a hand on the big kind fellow’s shoulder. Grunch shrugged, “We’re a lot like deers and cows, fellow. I hope we’re all good soon.”

Geralt patted him on the shoulder, “Oh we’ll be fine, Grunch. Storms happen, odd things like this come and go, we’ll deal with this and survive and then we’ll survive the next thing. It’s all well, I promise.” Grunch nodded but he wasn’t sure, “I hope so, fellow…”

Dumay returned with a tied up deer carcass. It stared at Grunch with an arrow in its eye and he stayed away when they butchered him. Geralt apologized for “everything” once they finished the roof and they had a bit of beer and exchanged little stories before they got back to work on the next repair.

[grunchthereal]

Chapter 14

They rode out after three days of rain. The ground was soft and threatened to eat one’s boots. The sky was still black. All the world was gray until you made footprints in the ash and into the mud. Branches and whole weak trees had fallen down from the winds. Every several meters birds laid on the ground, and none of them sang. Dumay’s horse was sick, panting all the way to the next town. The horse stopped and refused to move forward halfway to the town in front of a farming village. It looked sick. Dumay paced back and forth and a farmer came down from the farm to ask what was wrong and make sure the fellows weren’t bandits.

They did their hellos and talked about where they were and found each other to be quite civil so the farmer asked, “Are you both looking for work? The storm tore us all apart. We could use a couple good men like you.”

Dummy refused and Grunch said, “Yeah we can help you fellow.” Dummy stared at him with horror, “Fellow, you have 7 days to live.” Grunch waved his hand, “That’s fine, we’ll do some good work before that.”

Dumay looked quite sad and said, “Fellow, are you sure?” And Grunch of course nodded. The farmer said, “Oh my, if you’re on a final deathquest please don’t waste it on me, sir,” and Grunch said to him, “Grunch.”

The farmer brought them inside and told the butcher about the horse and introduced his wife Wynn. She was friendly and asked what brought them to this place and Dumay said, “Well, my horse just died outside your field. And Geralt offered us work on the farm in exchange for money or perhaps a horse.” Wynn laughed, “Ah! So he finally learned to introduce himself!” And Geralt had a funny expression and he tried to remember when he had said his name. He took the credit though. Grunch did not notice.

“Yes, yes…” Geralt said, “Shall we have lunch and then I show you good sirs the work to be done?” They ate stew and garlic’d bread and tarts and they napped and made off into the muddy field which was horribly ruined, a whole crop unsalvageable. Their job was to harvest the few edible things and pull out everything else. They worked next to two other families along with Geralt. Grunch had trouble telling what was and wasn’t edible so one of the children stayed with him to help. Dumay tried to work fast to have it all over with but he tired himself out and needed to rest long before everyone else.

Grunch loved this work. He felt purposeful, he felt like he was accomplishing something with these strangers. He said to the boy helping him, “What’s your name, deer sir?” And the boy said with pride, “I’m Berwyn. What’s yours?” He put out a hand and Grunch firmly shook it, “Grunch.”

They exchanged many more words of little meaning because it was fun and all work is better in good company. They worked for hours on and on under the black sky, pulling roots and dead things from the muck and casting them down to the wet ground. 

At the end of the day they had a small bag full of potatoes and that was all. Grunch and Dumay had dinner with the family, properly meeting all of them. There was the father Geralt and the mother Wynn and the youngest boy Berwyn and the daughter Meredydd and the eldest son whose name Grunch couldn’t remember. It had too many sounds. Gwy- something or other it was.

They were friendly and respectful and didn’t make a fuss about the dent nor the deer effigy that topped it. Grunch felt quite welcome here. The home was full of goodness and it was refreshing for him. Dummy seemed on edge constantly. Grunch was happy with this. And another day passed.

[grunchthereal]

Chapter 13, Horse Joke

Horatio stared at the clouds. 

He did this unmoving. His mouth was slightly agape. His expression was blank. Ash fell on his glassless window. The cool breeze of the sea was colder than usual. The sun was gone. He had seen this already.

“This is it.” The figure behind Horatio asked while knowing. Horatio nodded. He didn’t make a sound. The sea reflected the black sky. The rain had stopped this morning. It had been raining for three days. There was ash coating every surface beneath the sky.

“It is upon us then… what will you do?” The figure asked. Horatio answered, “What I can.”

Grunch sat at the fire. Horse stood by the fire, rocking her head up and down. She and Grunch had rags on their shoulders because they had been rained on quite a bit. Grunch paid the innkeeper extra for having her inside. The innkeeper hesitated and insisted that the Stables were nice and safe but Grunch wouldn’t have it.

So now they sat there, soaked by rain and dirtied by ash and heaving and sighing… like.. horses. They sat and they waited and the longer they waited the more they sat. The waiting got quite tiring and Grunch was looking all around and inspecting the lights made by the fire and counting the floorboards between them and the fire and thinking about the if floorboard wideness was reused for measuring the distance of floorboard length and he accidentally invented standardized measurement all on his own but nobody noticed because he was very quiet about it.

Dumay said, “I think I’d like to tell a tale, fellows, a good tale fellows I swear it! This one I heard from my father, and he from his father and so on from his father before him, and he from an old vagrant in the century of 800! A great joke tale about a horse in a tavern! And about other great things, life and grudges and madness. It goes something akin to this:

“Once Upon A Time, a Horse Clopped Into a Tavern… in this Tavern, the Barkeeper Was a Jolly Fellow, a Kind Fellow. His Name Was William. He Liked to Make Conversation, and So Conversational Was He, that He Chose to Greet and Conversate with this Horse. To the Horse He Said, ‘O Welcome, Welcome, Fellow! Why the Long Face?’ 

So the horse looked him in the eyes with its horse eyes and stared really long until the barkeeper looked nervous and the barkeeper wiped his nose from the worry and cleared his throat to speak. Then people laughed even though the horse’s face is naturally long. The horse said, ‘It’s a perfectly normal face for my kind you dickhead.’

William tried to make amends, ‘Oh horse, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you more it’s just that you looked sad and I realize I chose the wrong words to ask, please forgive me dear horse.’

Suddenly, at the end of William’s apology, the horse bit his nose clean off. So William stood there dumbfounded and surprised before realizing he was in terrible pain. This was the worst moment of his life. He was ruined and embarrassed in front of all his patrons.

So William gave up the Tavern work from sheer embarrassment. He left to go improve himself and he sold his tavern. His wife stayed in their hometown alone and dejected as he felt he was wholly defeated, by a horse no less. 

And William went on to become a lumberer, and a fine lumberman he was, he chopped and chopped and chopped and he got so good at chopping down wood that the local forestfolk burned his house to the ground. So impactful was this act of retaliatory hatred that it inspired in William a whole new sense of anger against that horse who had wronged him.

So William left the forest and left the great Brythonnic Kingdom entirely and he went on outwards into the central lands. In this place he met some great fellows, among the beautiful pastures of Gaulicia. He met this fine fellow, a Gaul all in all. He was a farmer and he asked William what brought him so far and William told the fellow his story.

The Gaul had some sympathy so he took in our William and taught him the ways of farming. And William worked hard as a farmer for years, working so hard that he outworked all the peasants and caused a crisis when the Lord who owned them punished all the other farms for not performing like William’s farm. So the peasants all took up tools to go butcher the fellow before he decided it all became far too much for him and he left on from Gaulicia.

And through Visigothica he strode, confident and strong and intending more good. Here he met a battlement man, who stood guard against invaders. William told this fellow his story and the fellow heard him through and he said, ‘goodness fellow, you should flatten that horse with a rock!’ And so he showed William the ways of siege defense.

William learned every method of hurting fellows from the walls. And he was so learned that when the time came and a siege was put up against their castle by the Gauls, he stole all the glory of the Visigoths and was celebrated as the savior of their city. William thought this was great but really he was burning with revenge so he went off to the East into the remains of old Romagna.

The elves were rude as always so he didn’t stay long. He called them all cunts! And he walked on to the uplands of the Kobatoties and he met a mean fellow who was seeking his own revenge, and they drank and they laughed and they cried together and the fellow said to william one day: ‘You know fellow, I suppose the real love and friendship we find along our way to vengeance is far more meaningful than the revenge itself. So William kicked his ass and left and made his way up the Great Mountain and its icy slopes and its goatish mountain spirits and its legendary stone.

On the Great Mountain of the inner uplands William found the Oracle state of the Kobatoties. He demanded the seers to tell him his future and what he must do to get his revenge and they refused to answer him. He waited outside their temple for thirteen days and thirteen nights for the oracles to answer him. And on the thirteenth when he was hungry and cold and sick and dying he was welcomed within the halls of the oracles’ temple. The Great Temple of Duu Mogüt.

He healed for several nights, tended to by the holy seerservants and when he healed he was finally seen. He begged to know how he may take revenge on this terrible horse who disgraced his name. To know the beast’s name and know that he was just. He said, ‘Please, holy ones, let me be seen, let me hear of my future and know the truth to come, let me know what I must do to overcome my enemy, tell me his name,’ The head of those seers, adorned by a black veil crown, told him this:

William, fellow, your conquest of vengeance is justified by your own judgment. The gods have no say in this affair, your fate is yours to choose. Know this, child, the key of your revenge lies within you and you alone. Be well and be true. Also, his name is Barbarister the Incredible Horse, he’s quite impressive.

Now our William fellow did not take this well, in fact he took this quite terribly. So he sulked off down the mountain and back through the Kobatoties where he apologized to the vengeful fellow, and he went through the pompous ruins of Romagna spitting at all the elves, and between the old castles, welcomed and cheered by his old comrades. And then on through the gorgeous pastures full of angry Gauls he ran, and then back to his homeland of Brythonnia, and now he returned to his home with nothing but his old lumbering axe and he found this place deserted.

His home was a mere shadow of its former self, the people were all sick and tired and war had swept through and taken up all the boys and put them to death for war glory. So he came here and sat in his home and he found his old tavern all abandoned and empty. He came here and he set up and made things nice again and he worked.

And then, when everything was cleaned, the most terrible thing happened. A horse appeared. But not just any horse. The horse. The Horse, Barbarister, walked into his old tavern and said, ‘I’d like a beer.’ And the horse sat in front of the bar and waited.

William stared and stared and he cautiously grabbed his lumbering axe and our noseless protagonist worked up the courage to say something, anything, and eventually he said, ‘Horse, I just have one question for you.’

Barbarister said, ‘Yes?’

And William, he said, ‘Why did you bite my nose off all those years ago?’

And the horse thought deeply about this, recalling the long ago event which had impacted himself so little. William thought terribly hard about these years, his hard work trekking through nations without a horse because he was eternally afraid of them. He thought of the long nights in shady places and warm homes on his way to this very moment. His dedication to finding his revenge with the help of the Oracle’s knowledge, he braced himself for the answer.

Barbarister breathed deeply and made a little pshhh sound with his lips and he said, ‘Well, I thought you were somebody else.’

The End!”

Grunch stared at Dumay for a moment and didn’t say anything. Dumay failed to suppress a wide and very amused grin and giggle.

The innkeeper asked with sincerity, “Is that it?” Which burst the dam of Dumay’s hand over his mouth and he began laughing uncontrollably hard at his own awful joke tale.

Grunch started laughing because he got the joke. In fact, he laughed so hard that he fell off his chair and slowly rolled on the floor, trying to regain composure while he laughed harder and harder.

The innkeeper said, “Don’t encourage him! That wasn’t funny at all!” And Dumay was doubled over laughing as well. Grunch was laughing so hard that he was now in pain and crying. He slapped the floorboards with hysterical laughing despair and struggled to do anything more than laugh. 

Horse rocked her head back and forth and whinnied and neighed to join in on the fun. The innkeeper, unamused and quite annoyed to have his time wasted, went to the kitchen to escape the madness taking hold within his workplace and home. Grunch would eventually stop laughing with hurting sides and heavy breaths and a tight chest all full of giggles. Dumay asked, “How was that fellow? Good one, eh fellow?”

Grunch nodded and giggled and laughed some more and said, “Good one, fellow. Great one.”

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 12

Dumay could not pull himself away from the window. Under his breath he muttered, “Ten days…” he had an ugly expression. Grunch said to him, “It’s not so bad. Head hurts but it’s not so bad. Fire’s nice, eh fellow?” Dummy nodded, “Indeed, fellow… But the rain isn’t going to stop. We’re going to have to leave soon.”

The innkeeper chimed in with, “But sirs, it’s a storm out there, it’s pouring buckets, you’ll be drowned in that.” Grunch had to agree, “We got time, fellow. Why not just wait a moment.” Dumay stared at them both with some flat emotion. He stared past them both but not at the wall or anything behind and he said, “Fellows, I hate to be the bearer of miserable news but this rain is not going to stop.”

Grunch looked at him and thought, that’s not nice. But he didn’t say it. The innkeeper asked, “And how do you know that Sir?” And Dumay said, “Because, fellow, I have seen the fate of all things, all futures, and in each one the rain doesn’t stop, and all the things get worse.” 

It was at this point Grunch recognized that something was missing from Dumay. There was a certain joy and excitement that was dulled and he could see it in his eyes. His eyes that were slightly closed upwards with glee all the time were a tiny bit wider. He noticed this after multiple days of seeing the fellow. He noticed now because it was much more obvious. The odd-headed man was serious.

Grunch asked, “How’d you see that, fellow?” And Dummy answered, “I was given a drink by an oracle on my way to my beheading, and this drink allowed me to see everything that shall happen in the future. There are things I can be certain of and one is that the rain will not stop for some time, much more time than we have, good fellow.”

Grunch furrowed his eyebrows and said, “Well I don’t wanna go, fellow, I’m staying.” Dummy looked like the shocked dead deer looked and said, “What? Why? We have to, fellow! We need to!”

Grunch sat back luxuriously in his uncomfortable wooden chair, “Maybe you, Dummy fellow, then go. I’ll stay here in the cozy warm and be friends with this nice fellow.” The innkeeper smiled at him. Dumay looked ugly like Sir Peddy for a second but he stammered and sputtered and he realized something and he sat next to Grunch and he said, “I’m sorry, fellow. I like you very much, good fellow. You’re better than me, I’m afraid. I’m sorry for ordering you. I want you to help me on a quest you see. But I should have just asked you.”

This attracted Grunch’s attention. He sat up straight and faced the fellow head on and said, “What’s your quest, fellow?” And Dummy said, “I must find a fellow named Horatio, a scribe who has written a prophecy of the End Times. He might save us all in the coming days.”

Grunch turned away and said, “Oracle said I don’t have to choose you, fellow. I could choose anyone, and myself is better to trust than you. You said that yourself, you know you’re a thief.”

Dumay waved his hands in an attempt to conjure up the perfect answer but he just sighed and said, “Yeah. Yeah…” and then he sat there next to Grunch and said, “I’ll stay, fellow. I’ll stay with you and I won’t tell you to go anywhere you don’t want, eh fellow? How’s that fellow?”

Grunch put out one of his hands to shake on their deal and Dummy took it, and he said, “Good fellow, let us relax then.” And Grunch said to him, dismissively, “Grunch.”

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 11

The sun was out, the clouds were still so few. The sky was as blue as Grunch had ever seen. The birds sounded afraid. Dumay kept looking in their direction with a face that Grunch didn’t understand yet. It looked flat but it was more somehow. These things made Grunch nervous so he tried thinking of anything else.

Grunch asked, “Dummy, what do you do with those ladies?” Dumay accidentally spat out a little bit of his wine, which he drank from an animal’s dried organ. He looked down at the little splash of red with pity and said, “Erm, I’m not sure if you want to know good fellow.”

Grunch insisted, “Well then I wouldn’t’ve asked, fellow.” Dumay said, “I suppose so, eh fellow?” And he hesitated to continue but Grunch just kept staring blankly at him so he tried, “Well, when two fellows like each other lots and lots and lots… and um, they like each other’s meat, well… they like to… touch each other.”

Grunch said, “You touched me.” And Dumay shook his head, “Different kind of touching, good fellow, under the clothes touching, its like… I don’t know, maybe you’ll understand one day?”

Grunch shrugged, “Can’t be so complicated, fellow.” And Dummy asked, “Well have you seen anybody whose made you feel warm inside, you feel like you want to be close to them?” Grunch thought for a moment, and then patted Horse and said, “Horse.” Dumay cringed and said, “Ah, not like that, fellow, I hope. It’s different. Horse is your friend isn’t she?”

Grunch patted Horse, “I think so.” Dummy had a thought and asked, “Am I your friend, fellow?” Grunch thought about that for longer and said, “I don’t know, you are my fellow.”

Dumay nodded, “Smart fellow. I’d like to be friends with you fellow, but you’re right not to trust me. I’m a thief through to the heart, fellow, nothing in me but greed and corruption.” So Grunch said correctly, “That’s not so nice.” And with an ugly face Dumay agreed, “Indeed.”

Grunch asked, “So you’re touching friends with the ladies?” Dummy laughed and laughed and tried to stop himself and every time he looked back to Grunch’s blank and curious expression he laughed more and apologized until he couldn’t breathe and he was crying. Grunch asked, “Are you okay fellow?”

When Dummy was done he said, “I suppose so, fellow. Super close friend touching I suppose.” Grunch wondered aloud, “How do you make such good friends so quick? Do you really know them all?” Dumay was still a mystery to the poor fellow. It might have just confused him more. Dumay just said, “Well, fellow, maybe you don’t even need to know about all that. Maybe it’s just as well that you don’t, eh fellow? Maybe you’re just a friend, and that’s okay, eh fellow?”

Grunch didn’t really know so he shrugged and didn’t say anything, and he listened to the dreadful birds until they reached the next town and stayed at the inn. Dinner was nice. Meats and vegetables and breads. And then they ate pies and went to bed exhausted. They slept like rocks while a storm battered the inn.

Grunch awoke gently to cacophonous thunder and he walked downstairs where the innkeeper was already all set up. He said, “Do you see that, sir?” Grunch looked out the wet window to the black sky, “See what, fellow?” The innkeeper said, “Exactly, it’s morning, sir. And look,” he pointed to gray specks on the window glass, “Ash, sir… There’s ash in the rain.”

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 10

Dummy brought Grunch to the next town. On the way, Grunch watched the sky and the trees and he stared a lot at the back of Dumay’s head. The day was so quiet it was eerie, there was no wind and no clouds and not a sound. The birds sounded agitated. Dummy asked, “Are you well, good fellow? Been some time, good fellow, have you seen a meat man?”

Grunch nodded even though Dummy couldn’t see him and then said, “Yeah.” And then Dummy said, “How are you then? Are you healing?”

Grunch shook his head and then said no and explained, “Meat man says I’ll live for one fortnight.” Then Dummy said, “Ah.” Because he did not want to hear that, “When did he say that?” Grunch thought hard, “Mm… three days ago?” He held up two fingers then looked at them hard and put up a third. Dumay saw this because he wanted to look in the fellow’s eyes and he smiled warmly at Grunch which almost didn’t suit his long, sad face.

They stopped in a town called Germith or something and ate good stew in their inn and napped for two hours as soon as they laid down. Grunch slept with his helmet on of course. He wiped it off mostly, careful of his deer effigy. Dumay helped with the last bits, equally as careful. He didn’t ask about the effigy.

When they woke up, Dumay went and met the largest of the inn ladies and brought her to a room and said to Grunch, “Hey fellow, I’ll be busy for a moment. Don’t mind us, fellow, you should look around the town for things and such. Find something you like, eh fellow?”

So Grunch looked around, but not long because he saw the most beautiful sight he had ever seen and he had fallen immediately in love. At the inn there was a horse chewing on its stable door and trying to pull it off its loose hinges. A cat jumped up on the door and the horse petted its head using its upper lip. It was the strangest thing that Grunch had ever seen. The innkeeper said to Grunch, “Do you want that fucking thing?”

Grunch nodded, “Do I have to pay? Is he worth lots of gold?” The innkeeper said, “What? No. He’s clearly lame. Take him. Some thief came through and stole a different horse and left him here for us to deal with. I don't want him.”

Grunch thought that was a very rude thing to say in front of the poor fellow but he accepted and now had a horse of his own. The saddle was comfortable. There were no belongings on it. Grunch put his own things on the fellow and named him Horse, which was a fine name in Grunch’s opinion. And in mine.

Grunch rode around the town on his horse and the horse tried to pet every animal and pet Grunch too and walked around fine with Grunch which the innkeeper was for whatever reason impressed by, “Takes one to know one, hm?” Grunch didn’t know what he meant.

Dumay came out to look for Grunch and said, “Where did you get that horse, fellow?” Grunch said, “That’s his name! I love him!” Dumay looked under the horse and said, “This is a girl, fellow.” Grunch said, “Oh. Should I name her Horsey then, Dummy?” Dummy laughed which Grunch took for a no. They left the town to the next before it’d be too late.

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Grunch took a nap in the woods on his way to the next place because he was terribly full and he realized it was actually making him quite sick being full and on horseback. He slept easy with the little deer made of sticks on his head.

He awoke in the morning to a fuzzy face. It looked like a fox, it had antlers on its head, it said, “Who are you?” It had a funny accent due to its wide fox mouth. Grunch answered the obvious answer, “Grunch,” and he sat up only to feel a spear against his chest, “Um.” He said.

“You have invaded our forest. Why? Where did you get the effigy?” The fuzzy creature pointed to his dent, where the little deer stood proudly. Grunch answered, “Well, it was left with me after I killed a deer and cried real lots. I don’t wanna kill deers, Sir Patty made me and he made me eat the fellow after but I don’t want to eat meats.”

“We all need meat, boy, what is wrong with you? Do you deny your nature? Or are you a coward?” Grunch thought about it and said, “I think I’m a coward, deer sir. I don’t like meats and I don’t like killing, but I was told I need meats to live so I guess I’ll eat them then.”

“Where is your friend? Surely you cannot survive alone. You are useless in the head.” Grunch frowned because that was a very mean thing to say and he said, “I left him because he was mean, and maybe I think I should leave you too.” The spear at his chest complicated this. The beast said, “Perhaps you should. I have taken your horse. If you are found in the woods without any flesh to offer, it will be yours that we take. Remember this boy. You may keep your effigy this time, it was meant for you.”

The beast man retreated slightly, the spear was removed from Grunch’s chest and they said their goodbyes. The horse was already gone. The antlered fox had hands like a fuzzier rat with human thumbs and it wore animal hides all over it like a man. It called out, “And boy, do not tarnish our lands. Or we will take more than just flesh.” It walked backwards into the thick foliage of the forest, leaving Grunch alone again.

He stood up and began to walk down the road he had stopped on. He was glad he didn’t like that horse but he really wished he had a horse again. It was much nicer to ride than to just walk all his way to the next town. He thought about the beast man and what the hell he might have been.

He then heard a horse galloping up behind him and a man frantically shouting and hollering. And as the man got closer Grunch recognized him and the things he was saying. He said, “GRUNCH FELLOW!!! I FOUND YOU OLD FELLOW!!! YOU’RE HERE!!! THANK THE GODS I’M SAVED!!!”

Grunch just stood there while the fellow rode up to meet him. He said, “Um. Hello. An oracle told me I don’t need to be friends with you.” Dumay looked betrayed, “Grunch! Truly, fellow!? I’m sorry for putting you up against that guard fellow, I thought you would pummel him, truly fellow.”

Grunch said, “That’s nice of you,” and said, “I thought you were getting your head chopped off for being a bandit fellow.” Dumay explained that he in fact lived and he saw a terrible vision of the future and Grunch was going to be a very great man in the near future and Grunch didn’t trust him but he got on his horse because he didn’t really want to keep walking. Dumay asked how Grunch had been lately and Grunch sighed, “Grunch.”

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 8, Dummay

Dumay stood ready to face death. He stood proud with his fellows at the chopping block, drunk because he was allowed a last meal before his hanging and all he requested was wine, and high for reasons soon to be described.

Before this though, and after he had his wine, a figure came to him, not a hallucination, but he finds it difficult to describe them. They were veiled and ugly and pretty in a way and they offered a drink to Dumay, and it smelled of earth and boiling flowers. He drank it all because he was going to die anyway. 

The figure told him, “I have given you somig. Do you know what somig is used for?” And Dumay said, “Oracles?” Because even though he was pretty drunk he did recall this from the one time he tried to raid an oracle caravan, which went better than one can expect from attempting to ambush people who see the future. No loot, and he was scolded and taught that somig was worthless to non-seers.

The figure nodded, its jewelry clinking and jangling quietly, “Tell me, child. What do you see?” Dumay laughed because he was drunk and said, “I see prison walls, fellow, I see that I’m going to die, eh fellow?”

The figure waited quietly for a few minutes and Dumay started to understand what he was supposed to “see” because seeing didn’t describe it. He sensed something. The strings of fate. He felt the future before him. He saw his escape, a frantic escape full of terror, and then he saw why. 

Six apocalypses shall occur, beginning all at once, collapsing upon each other to bring about the End Times. Decay, Storm, Magic, Plague, War, and the merging of the three planes. Dumay collapsed to his knees and vomited as he witnessed four-hundred thousand timelines full of millions upon millions of unavoidable deaths. 5 of every 6 people shall die in the next year. His eyes weep, he shivers in terror as he sees the only salvation possible in this carnage, his only path to survival.

The Fool. That is his title. He is greater than anybody realizes for the reason that he is not great at all. Dumay sees the Kobatoties and the Great Mountain, he sees the castles of Gaulicia. He sees corpse piles twice his height and burning cities and raining hellfire. The figure asks him again what he sees.

Dumay answers, “The End Times.”

He answered more questions, this figure, obviously a seer, knew about these End Times. But why would they force a criminal to see it. Dumay demanded to know, “Why have I been chosen?” And he saw. He saw a man, Horatio, writing frantically, writing the events of the End Times as they shall unfold. He saw the seer’s sight. He saw the unraveling of the strands of fate. A veil has been lifted over the future, and no oracle can see beyond it. The oracle quietly left him to his execution. 

At the chopping block Dumay stood, overwhelmed by all he could see. His eyes were wide, he saw everything, all futures of all the people around him. Only a handful of them would survive the End Times. He found the strand in which he survives and he forced himself to become it. He whispered to his executioner, “You have dreams of your mother’s ghost shaming you for what you’ve chosen. Not for being a killer, but for marrying ‘that wretched girl’ isn’t that right fellow?”

The executioner froze, he stared at the madman whose breath smelled of earth and boiling flowers and kept staring. Dumay stepped toward the guard who brought him here and said, “The gods want me alive, fellow, and I shall prove it. Last night you dreamt of a madman, eh fellow? His name was Kellen, he yelled in your face, ‘We are all the Jesters of the Gods!’ and he was right, fellow.”

The guard gasped and held his mouth and backed up from the seer criminal. He said, “How do you know this!?”

And Dumay said, “Because the Gods will it! If you do not release me, enormous divine punishment shall curse this city upon my death! Asho’ar shall laugh!” Invoking one-third of the name of the Ancient God of Destruction was a bit much but it worked. Dumay rode off laughing on a stolen horse moving as quickly as he could from the capital, slowly, his futuresight faded from him and he was left with his vague memories. Find Grunch. Go to the Great Mountain. Stop the End Times. He didn’t look back once, and nobody came to chase him.

[grunchthereal]

Grunch - Chapter 7

Grunch found himself in a new town, this one was pretty nice, they had a temple with a pretty little bell tower and everything. Peddy tried to get Grunch’s attention but Grunch tried ignoring him while looking at every single thing that every single shop was selling in their market. Most of it was food, there was firewood and tools and jewelries and so on.

Grunch bought a pretty necklace and the stall lady put it on him and smiled and he went off to the next adventure, drawn to the temple, as it was in the very center of the town, possibly the first thing to have been built there. Peddy tried to physically prevent Grunch from entering the temple so Grunch picked him up and threw him into the road and marched on in.

The floors were all clean so he took off his muddy boots and he realized all his armor was muddy too so he took it all off and walked in. He had on a manly dress and tight pants and socks and undergarments and of course his helmet with a little deer made of sticks on top and they all stank like smelly man but Grunch didn’t notice because he was the smelly man.

The temple was full of relics and so on, some related to gods, some related to war, and all of them led to the front where a figure sat in a veiled cushioned area and stared directly at Grunch. Nothing was discernible about them. “Um.” Grunch said, “Hello.”

The figure beckoned him and he approached. Sir Peddy opened the door gingerly and hesitated to intervene. Grunch stood in front of the figure and stared at them. He still couldn’t tell anything about them. They sucked on a pipe and exhaled, blowing white smoke through the veil. It almost reached Grunch. It smelled like earth and burning flowers.

Their voice was rough, even though obviously young, “Hello deer sir. Your future is uncertain. It is obscured by a great veil. Your strings of fate are all unraveled. But I can guide you by what has happened. You are good. Be good as you are, be you as you are. Do not change for shiny men nor bandits. You don’t need knights nor thieves nor women, you want friends. Good luck.”

“Um.” Grunch said. And Peddy came up behind him, “That can’t be right, what would he possibly do on his own? He doesn't have any skills anymore, can’t even fight for himself. He’s an idiot!”

The figure put their hand up and stopped him and said, “Sir Peddy, Knight of Grand Brythonnia, impatience and stubbornness will be the death of you. Begone from here,” the figure turned to face away from them, the jewelry covering them all jangled and clinked together. They laid down on their pillows and stayed still and supposedly slept. 

Grunch felt uplifted and had a good new spring in his march as he walked to the door to put back on his armor. Sir Peddy of Grand Brythonnia stood frozen before an oracle who he believed had just told him he was certain to die by his own flaws. This was an element of his stubbornness because oracles can also use figures of speech.

So Grunch went off and bought an apple for his mean horse and pet it lots and went to the town’s inn and got two lunches and set off for the next place, leaving Peddy on the temple steps with his head in his hands fearing an inevitable death.