Grunch Chapter 20 - Gnoblinome
Grunch met the leaders of Gnoblinome Town. Three Gnomes and one Goblin sitting on little thrones in a rather large court, large enough for Grunch to stand. They were all about as tall as Grunchâs thighs, which was terribly awkward. And they were all very averse to being called âlittle fellow,â so Grunch tried calling them âBig fellow,â which also didnât go well, so he called them, âFellows.â
âThat would be Lord-Fellows, to you, human!â The three gnomes were indistinguishable by Grunch, even though they were stationary. Their names were Boggle, Shinoggle and Throngoggle, and one of those sounded familiar but Grunch couldnât quite place it. The Gnoblinome court was carved out of an enormous boulder and an ancient tree next to it. The thrones were part of the tree. A roof made of dry leaves and mud connected the boulder to the tree.
Grunch asked, âMay I please help you make peace with the Tinnicks?â The tallest gnome among them put his hand up, causing the others to look at him. He said, âHuman, the beastfolk have wronged us deeply, stealing away our people, and trading weapons with rebellious peasants of our town⊠we need your help to stop them! Will you join our war, please? For the honor of all people?â And the gnomes demanded justice while the goblin sat there seemingly too nervous to speak.
Grunch smelled something awry so he danced off to the beastmen and spoke to their leader. This was a grey-haired beastman, with old eyes and long whiskers that said, âAh! You must be the man. What seems to be your trouble, human?â And Grunch said, âWell, the lord gnome fellows want me to free the gnome fellow you have but I want to know why you captured him.â
And the beastman said, âWell, human, if you must know, he came with a torch to burn down our tents, so we butchered him and dried his meat to keep, but gnomeflesh tends not to be so good with heat so we ate most of him raw.â And to this Grunch asked, âOh. Why did you eat him?â And the beastman said, âWell, human, we need to eat. Also, gnomes have hallucinogenic properties that allow us to see ghosts.â And to this Grunch said, âOh! Beastman ghosts or human ghosts?â And the beastman said, âWell, mostly beast ghosts, but sometimes human ghosts, but never beastman ghosts. We have no ghosts.â
And Grunch said, âOh. I didnât know that.â And the beastman said, âyes, human, many donât.â And they went to explain that every Tinik soul was reincarnated as another Tinik, in the great cycle of birth and rebirth and rebirth. This was very fascinating, but Grunch needed answers, so he went back to the town of Gnoblinome and asked the leaders, âUm. Hello, deer lord gnome fellows⊠why did the gnome fellow try and burn down the beastmansâ tents?â
And the gnomes acted shocked, âOh my goodness! We had no idea!â They said, but then their leader Boggle said, âWell, he is a brave and honorable hero to attempt to drive off those wretched beasts. We will make him a parade.â And Grunch asked, âWhy do you want the Tinnicks to leave?â And Shinoggle, who had not specifically been addressed, stood from his throne and said, âThere is nothing in this world more vile and corrupt than the Beastmanâs lower races⊠nothing in hell can match the savage-â and Boggle interrupted him, âWell, actually, it was purely a matter of town security because they were trading with violent goblin groups in the wretched slums.â
Grunch had a feeling that the gnomes were not pure in their intentions so he went off to the beastfolk and asked the leader, âDid you trade with evil goblins?â And the beastman leaderman said, âWhat? No, they were very friendly and polite.â And Grunch said, âOh! Itâs all misunderstandings then, eh fellow, thatâs fine then, weâll be able to clear this up quick!â
And then Boggle said, âWhat? Wh- no the goblins they traded with want to destroy our government. Thatâs bad, you have to tell them to stop trading with the goblins.â And Grunch asked, âAll the goblins? But I thought it was just some of them?â But Boggle said, âYes, fellow, all of them. Theyâre all evil. I mean look at Pogart here.â He pointed to the goblin in the room and Pogart shrunk back into his chair, âUm⊠helloâŠâ he said, quite timidly.
Grunch went back to the beastmen and asked them why the gnomes were so mean to the goblins, and the beastman said, âGnomes are cunts. Please excuse my language.â And that cleared things up quite well so Grunch went back to Gnoblinome but this time he went to the goblins, careful not to step on anyone or their belongings. And there he saw a goblin fellow giving a rousing angry speech and Grunch said, âUm, sorry to bother you, fellow, but Iâve been told by gnomes that Goblins are evil, and told by Tinnicks that Goblins are nice, so I wanna know for myself, if you donât mind, fellow.â
The Goblin said, âOh sure, come sit down, but donât crush anyone or their house. Iâm just telling my fellows about the struggle of our Goblin proletariat against the bourgeois Gnomigarchy. These words were a little too big for Grunch but he sat down and listened and he learned that there were many many issues plaguing Gnoblinome society and the Gnomes tended to blame the Goblins, but the Goblins blamed the Gnomes, and a very familiar sentiment was said by this goblin fellow, âWhy should all the wealth of Gnoblinome be the property of a few conical hats!?â And suddenly it all made sense. The gnomes were the Crown of Gnoblinome, and he wondered if human places also had people represented by their Crown. Mind blowing.
So then, Grunch set off to go solve the real issue at hand, Gnomigarchical rule! He asked the Goblin if they had traded weapons with the Tinnicks, and he said, âWhat? No, they gave us food and stuff and exchanged it for trinkets and bits and bobs and so on. Why do you ask?â And Grunch asked about Pogart, prompting a great sigh from the goblin fellow, âOh Pogart⊠poor guy. I mean, heâs the only goblin that survived this long into his term as Goblin Mayor. Two weeks! Because he hasnât gone against the demands of the Gnome Lords.â
Grunch asked what happened to the other Goblin Mayors and the fellow said, âGone. Disappeared, seven Goblins all forgotten and ignored by the gnome media. Weâre fucked, man. Thereâs no justice in this place.â And Grunch said, âHm.â And he went off to do something about this.
To the Gnomes he went and he said to them, â Um, hello, I wonder why you donât want the Tinnicks trading food and stuffs with the Goblins?â And Boggart said, âGood Gnome God, boy, canât you just do what someone tells you? Youâre worse than the goblins!â And Grunch said, under pressure, âI donât know, I think the Goblins is fine,â And he turned to Pogart, âYou, fellow, follow me, fellow. This is important.â And despite the raving of Boggle, Pogart followed Grunch out of the throne room and into the streets of Gnoblinome. The Gnomes followed, quite worried, Shinoggle struggled not to hurl insults and Boggle said, âBig fellow, what are you doing? Do you think you can reason with these creatures? Just look at them!â
Pogart looked up at Grunch with blank eyes located on the side of his head which was mostly nose. A weird triangular rounded nose, he looked like a shark. Pogart said, âSorry.â And Grunch said, âDonât be sorry, little fellow, I think you look great.â Pogart smiled at him with horrible gnarled teeth made for gnashing while following Grunch further into the streets of Gnoblinome, farther from the rich throne. The Gnomes followed too until they reached the edge of the slums, where they clutched their hats and said, âNo! No! Donât go there, big fellow! Theyâll corrupt you fellow, with their terrible awful curse⊠Gobbunism!â
Grunch stopped there and picked up Pogart by the armpits and said, âLook, fellow, this is what those gnomes are doing! Theyâre taking all your things and making you all work for them and make things for their things, you need to grab the means of making stuffs, fellow! You donât need the gnomes at all! Theyâre making you docile, fellow, theyâre taking all your Goblin and making it Gnome! Be a Goblin, fellow, be Pogart! Pogart the Goblin!â Pogart stared back at him with his blank eyes and he said, âPogart!â And Grunch set him down gently and he said, âPogart!â And the gnomes all took a few steps back.
Goblins watched from the windows of their run down apartments and filthy homes and whispered, âPogart?â And they watched as Pogart approached the Gnomes. He yelled, âPOGART!â And he mauled Boggleâs face with his gnarled gnashing teeth. The Gnomes screamed and ran from the goblin and goblins began streaming out from their homes and attacking every gnome they saw. And Grunch stood there staring in awe and he cried, watching all the goblins become the goblins they were meant to be. âPogartâŠâ he whispered, âPogart!â
Grunch went back to the beastmen and he spoke to their leader and said, âThe goblins are eating all the gnomes.â And the beastfellow said, âWhat! Oh no! We have to get some before they're all gone! And half of them ran off to Gnoblinome to catch some Gnomes. Grunch went back out of the woods, and by now it was time for dinner so he ate with the farmers and Dumay, and nobody asked about his day so he didnât think it was important to share until Dumay asked and Grunch explained, and Dumay said, âGrunch⊠what the fuck?â













