Feel totally horrified by all the totally bonkers off the wall shit i said on here during what was basically a mental breakdown where i was totally desperate
Like i was basically just acting out and not realizing it and like, while i posted anything, like 90% of my brain knew it was out of wack and not how i think/feel, the other 10% was like in warped mode and impulsively posting like a chimp throwing things against a wall until they break.
And like i never make “bad decisions” because mostly i just can’t afford to, like. Financially bad decisions? Literally can’t afford to, no recourse. Socially bad decisions? Can’t afford to lose social support. So like manically posting on the internet with low stakes was my weird bad decision when breaking down
Honestly as much as it’d make sense to say “oh well get therapy thats what’s the issue here, mental health/depression/blah blah blah” like...
Valid but also. The big reason why i just used to lose my shit on here is just, like, the abusive relationship i have been in non-stop with no escape for upwards of ten years, still am in it, and so i would just get absolutely desperate and write the most off the wall shit. and sooooooo many of my interactions with other people were just wildly unhealthy or my or both people’s parts (tumblr is a cesspool mentally after all, not the only one putting negativity into interactions on here lmao, just am personally better able to comment on my own actions more than other people’s......)
like, maybe i just would have acted like sylvia plath or pulled a syd barrett if born into this same life and then gone through this horrible relationship and set of circumstances, but in a world with no internet existing...? just acting things out on myself and writing weird poems anddddd. Idk, scratching/drawing shit on the walls because 1)can’t escape the relationship 2)can’t get out of own head 3)all of it demands expression 4)time to act out somehow.
Lmao the only woman or straight person or cis person i resent is like...the one/ones in my family who did any of this to me abusively, and also - Myself, the one i was trying to pretend to be and forcing myself into the closet to mediate and maintain these relationships. The only people from any race/culture i have any problem with, is them, again in my family, for trying to pretend not to be the culture we were and forcing me into the ethnic closet with them rather than just letting us like. Not Pass As White (or, Whiter Than We Were/Whatever The Hell) and endure the world that way and be proud about it.
So like my entire life has just been this steaming experience of repression and then i end up word-vomiting. And I was throwing out hateful words that were projections of the things i either hated about myself or the people directly in close (negative, harmful) relationships with me (doing things that had little to do with what demographics they fell into, being bad people)
Also it’s funny b/c the discourse machine on here would alwways quip back “if you talk shit in any way, that’s all on you and an individual problem but also a problem from bigoted world brainwashing etc etc but no explanation is good enough and you’re just a bad person, none of what you do is like, out of your control even with MH issues or circumstances that cause them. So just OWN IT and no explanation is the actual reason why, you’re just weasling out of being responsible for (X problematic thing/statement)” During their tumblr witchhunts, etc.
Like when really, there actually are a lot of real-ass reasons people do express some badness and talk shit, get angry, say things they literally know they don’t mean. online especially, frequently. It’s a real thing.
Like if you are lgbt and you spend all your time around straight people and not allowing yourself outlet...you’re gonna get some weird resentful feelings, towards them and yourself both. If you are forced to live as a gender you hate having to be/live as, you’re gonna have negative feelings about people of both genders, AND yourself. If you’re culturally alienated and not around people of the same culture, and what you are is relatively rare or minority compared to what you live near, you’re gonna get a sort of complex about it and resent all the people you are surrounded by whose culture you are not a part of, just because you wish you were around people who shared any cultural thing in common with you, at least some friends some of the time, so you resent that environment. I could go on.
++++ tumblr is a really rank expression of a lot of these feelings for a lot of people, unfortunately...they go way beyond just railing against world injustices into being needlessly bitter and angry and it’s a bad call. Being around that on here actively encouraged these unrealistic perspectives and that plus my own life and issues and the sort-of-breakdown, warped it into hyper-bad.
Also people seek a hell of a lot of validation from others on here but yet are hatefully lashing out at them at the same time...recipe for disaster.
That’s the entirety of the reasons of what happened during the mega-horrible post parade of the last time i was actively on here and mid-breakdown without realizing it.
I had like multiple breakdowns in previous years and acted in a variety of screwed up ways but all of that is now multiple years old and you all (whoever i was interacting with on here at the time) were nice enough to forgive all of those at the times they happened...the last time i was just way more toxic because i was taking all of the reasons i hated my own self/life and saying i hated them about other people sooooo that shit tends to alienate people. The previous times, i was just pathetic and sad in my self expression but actively trying to be nice to everyone and liking other people on here and irl for the most part...i wasn’t like, bitter and angry like my circumstances made me desperate and “literally lash-out-at-any-fucking-thing-fuck-everyone” to become.
I could write more but basically i wanted to save maybe 0.05 cents worth of face after being an asshole and vaguely make my state make sense and seem less horrendous, to literally no one, since who is on here anymore. Oh well.
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