H&E, Baby and Me

H: 24 year old youth worker, married to my best friend. First time mama to be. E: Estimated time of arrival is October 31, 2015.

[handebabyandme]

I’m Baaaaaack: Update

Back to this blog and back to TTC! The last time I wrote was about 13 months ago. My husband and I were living in Houston and were generally miserable. We hated Texas and were having a harder than anticipated time adjusting to civilian life. I honestly thing we started TTC again at that time just because we were looking for some kind of joy in our lives. We only did NTNP/TTC until December and then we went back to actively not trying to get pregnant, which was for the best.

We have since gotten new jobs, transitioned back into the military (reserves this time), and moved to metro DC. We are significantly happier here, much more financially stable, and ready to try again! It’s been almost two years since my first pregnancy and pregnancy loss. I think I’ve processed the experience as much as I can and I feel ready to jump back into the game. If I were to have another pregnancy loss, I feel like I’d be more prepared to deal with it.

My cycles have been relatively regular in the past year. They’ve returned to 27-32 days long, depending on when I ovulate. I have a 14-16 day luteal phase and the brown spotting that I was having for several days before getting my period last year has dwindled to happening for 1-2 days prior to my period actually starting and sometimes it doesn’t actually happen at all.

This is the first cycle that we are actively trying. I’m now on CD 24 of this cycle. I either ovulated around CD13-14 with an extra surge of EWCM a few days ofter  or ovulated on CD 17-18. My last two cycles were 28 and then 32 days long so either of those is a possibility. I have zero pregnancy symptoms or PMS either way but do not think that I’m pregnant. It took us 9 cycles last time to conceive so I have very low hopes for getting things going right out of the gate.

I’m expecting my period sometime next weekend.

I’ll update periodically as we move forward.

[handebabyandme]

Cycle Tracking

I spoke in my last post about going to the OBGYN about having some weird cycles since my husband and I went back to NTNP. As soon as we started having unprotected sex again, my body completely freaked out and I started having irregular cycles for the first time in my fourteen years of menstruating. 

In August, I had my mostly normal, 30-32 day cycle. Anything between 29 and 33 days has been normal for me and, until now, I’d never had a short cycle. I noticed that two days before I actually started my period, I was getting some very light brown spotting, which is not entirely abnormal but also isn’t common for me. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the time, not knowing that this was going to become a significant issue in the near future.

Then came September, the month when we completely stopped using any kind of pregnancy prevention. And my cycle went totally nuts. I’m pretty sure that I ovulated quite early this cycle, around CD 9-12 with ovulation pain presenting on CD 12, 13, and 14. I started brown spotting on CD 21 and then started my period on what would have been CD 26. This is the shortest cycle that I have ever had and the most spotting that I’ve had before a period started. During this cycle I was also extremely tired before and during spotting and my period was unusually painful but there was no heavy bleeding and no clotting. I’m not sure if implantation failed or if it was just my cycle changing. Either way, it totally threw me off. Like I said, this is the first time I’d ever had brown spotting to that extent and I initially thought it could have been implantation bleeding. Not so.

October was also a shorter than normal cycle but I did make it to CD 28 before actually starting my period. I started brown spotting but in a smaller amount and more off and on than in September on CD 24/25. This was a normal period in terms of pain and bleeding. Unfortunately, I didn’t record when I think I ovulated for this month so I have nothing to document there.

It’s now November and my cycle seems to be going well. I passed day 21 with no spotting and I feel like that in itself is something to celebrate. This month, we started to shift our focus from NTNP to more actively TTC, so I’ve been tracking my ovulation more closely. What I noticed this month is that I seem to ovulated before CD14 with an increased amount of CM (not sure if it’s EWCM, those goddamn examples are confusing) and ovulation pain presenting between CD 12 and 14, likely after I have already ovulated. I’m not temping, just basing my observations exclusively off what I see and feel from my own body. Today, I’m on CD 23 and everything is on par for be having at least a normal 28 cycle. I just started spotting this morning and I’m having normal PMS symptoms, though not MY normal symptoms. Typically, I’m fatigued and craving sweets. This month, I have energy and I’m craving salt. Weird! I’m having mild cramps like I always do. I’m hoping that maybe the spotting will be even less than it was last month and that I’ll start my period on or after CD28.

I’ve done a ton of research and I suspect that I’m having some issues with low progesterone, which is causing my uterine lining to break down before implantation ever has a chance, which obviously won’t allow me to get pregnant. In a few weeks, I’ll be going to the OBGYN to get my blood drawn and get my levels tested. If nothing else, I hope to get some answers as to why this may be happening all of a sudden.

It’s worth mentioning that I’ve stopped eating processed foods and I’ve been making sure that I’m taking my vitamins every single day, making super sure that I get enough of my B vitamins. I’ve also been exercising slightly more often but I’ve always been pretty good about that anyway.

I’ll update again soon.

[handebabyandme]

Due Date

Well, today would have been my due date. What a strange thing to say! In this seven months since the miscarriage, our lives have changed completely. My husband got out of the army, I accepted a job across the country, we moved to a big city, got a new dog, a new car...basically, everything is different now. It’s hard to imagine having a baby at this present moment. But I wish that I did.

We tried for nearly a year for that first pregnancy. When we lost it, I wanted to take a break from TTC, so we did. Two cycles ago, we went back to NTNP with no luck yet. I’m 90% sure that our first cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy and that I have low progesterone. I see an OBGYN in December to get blood drawn and talk about reasons for my recent menstrual irregularities and our difficulty having a successful pregnancy.

I’m not sure how any of this is going to pan out for us. I still feel incredibly lucky to have ever seen those two little pink lines on the pregnancy test, even if it never happens for me again. My sister and I had due dates just two months apart and I now have a beautiful and healthy niece. Good things have come out of a shitty situation.

I’m feeling pretty emotionally solid right now. Enough to get through another MC, should I be unlucky enough to have one. Sometimes you just lose. I’m glad to have learned that lesson.

I’m not going to be sad that I’m not holding my baby today. I’ll celebrate the idea of such a beautiful thing ever being in my life. 

All is well

[handebabyandme]

Onward and Upward

I just wanted to post a quick update on this blog because it’s been a month since I had my miscarriage. Before I got pregnant, I had very regular, 30 day cycles. I’m happy to say that exactly 30 days after my natural, complete miscarriage at 9w1d, I got a normal period once again. It feels good to know that my body is back to normal and that I’m healthy.

I won’t tell you that I miss my baby every day. That would be a lie. The truth is that I miss my baby in great, crushing, unpredictable waves. And I think I always will. But things are okay. They’re getting better. Time heals.

Since the miscarriage, I’ve moved cross country for a new job and I’ve been busier than ever adjusting to post-grad life in the city. Right now, I’m not ready to be try to conceive again. I’m not sure when I will be but I’m giving myself time to breathe for a while. Today, I’m happy that I was ever pregnant but I can’t imagine doing it again anytime soon. And that’s okay.

Shortly after Jim Beaver (Bobby Singer) lost his wife, he wrote in an email to his friends:

 “Does anyone know where I can find a copy of the rules of thought, feeling, and behavior in these circumstances? It seems like there should be a rule book somewhere that lays out everything exactly the way one should respond to a loss like this. I’d surely like to know if I’m doing it right. Am I whining enough or too much? Am I unseemly in my occasional moments of lightheartedness? At what date am I supposed to turn off the emotion and jump back on the treadmill of normalcy? Is there a specific number of days or decades that must pass before I can do something I enjoy without feeling I’ve betrayed my dearest love? And when, oh when, am I ever really going to believe this has happened? Next time you’re in a bookstore, ask if there’s a rule book.”

If you get a chance, ask for us both.

[handebabyandme]

A much better day

Yesterday was a pretty excruciating day pain wise. I’m still bleeding today but I’m seeing some brown mixed in with the bright red so hopefully that’s a sign of things slowing down. I haven’t had anything but light cramping since this morning. And, this may seem weird, but I just feel like my cervix is closed and things have completed naturally.

I’ve been thinking about naming the baby since I knew we were losing it but I didn’t bring it up to my husband until today. I told him I didn’t want to use Ezra since I still want to use that name for a baby that we carry to term (if that should ever happen) so we tried to think of another meaningful name.

I told him to think of someone that we knew who died too soon. He’s been telling me all along that he had strong feelings that the baby would have been born a girl and I have no feelings one way or another so we just decided to go with girl names,

Despite all that, the first name he blurts out for our lost baby is Khal Drogo. Yes, friends, my husband wanted to name our dead fetus Khal Drogo. We had a big laugh at that one. There is humor even in this, friends.

We ended up naming the baby Meg Elia Brackett. Both Meg (Supernatural) and Elia (Game of Thrones) are characters who died too soon and who were dearly loved by their friends and family.

We chose Meg as the first name because the first episode that Meg appears in is called “Scarecrow” and we had a Halloween due date and the episode she dies in is called “Goodbye Stranger,” which speaks for itself.

Hopefully, my uterus has managed to discard all of the tissues and whatnot from the pregnancy and we can move forward in a healthy way naturally. I go to the doctor next week to make sure everything is good to go and my hormones are dropping down to normal levels.

[handebabyandme]

It’s over, y’all.

I passed the baby last night around midnight, followed by several large blood clots. I had some pretty bad cramps/contractions but no blood loss that I would call severe, which is great.

I didn’t sleep much last night due to pain and just thinking and stuff so I’ll be resting today. I’m hoping that my bleeding continues to taper off and I’m thankful that things have (so far) gone smoothly.

Now it’s time to try to get an OB appointment for sometime this week.

[handebabyandme]

Some thoughts on the process

Right now I’m still bleeding, though not what I would call heavy, and starting to pass some smaller clots--no tissue yet. My cramping was pretty painful this morning. I took Tylenol and the pain pretty much went away and I haven’t had to take another dose yet, but I am still cramping lightly off and on.

My friends and family want to stay positive and it’s nice to have some supportive people in my corner, but I’m pretty sure this is a miscarriage at this point.

I’ve been hanging out on the couch reading and watching The Walking Dead, which has given me plenty of time to think about everything. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

-I’m really not feeling sad at all. This baby is 1000000% something that I wanted and I am still holding out a little but of hope for a miracle but even knowing that there’s a 99% chance that this is the end of this pregnancy doesn’t make me sad.

-Mostly, I feel so thankful for everything. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 9 months before we got a positive test. We literally saw our friends get pregnant and have their babies in that time frame. I’m happy that I can conceive at all. I loved every minute of the six weeks that I had where I knew I was pregnant. It’s so awesome to know that my body can change and grow in such fascinating ways.

-I’ve gained memories that I’m going to cherish forever--seeing my husband’s reaction to three positive pregnancy tests, feeling those first pregnancy symptoms, buying the few baby things that we did, getting to hear my baby’s heart beat the day before I started miscarrying--all of these are wonderful things.

-I appreciate my body and I stand in awe of everything that it can do, even in miscarriage. I’m not afraid of the process. It’s unfortunate but interesting and I’m thankful to have a body that can release what wasn’t meant to be and get itself ready to try again.

I’m hoping to get a doctor’s appointment at the OB tomorrow to confirm that things are progressing as they should. I’ll update with that information when I have it.

[handebabyandme]

Unfortunate Updates

After I got home from the hospital the day before yesterday with assurances that everything was fine and my baby had a heartbeat, I came home to spot more heavily than I was before. It was still brown and I had no cramping so I figured everything was okay.

The next afternoon, I started having some light bleeding that varied from brown to bright red to more of a rust color. It was happening off and on and I still had no cramping at all. It kind of tapered off as the day went on and then when I got up in the middle of the night to pee, all I saw was some very light brown when I wiped.

This morning things went back to being bright red but it was still pretty light and I didn't have any cramps. As things progressed to the afternoon, however, I started getting some pretty sharp, period like cramping happening that was increasingly painful. The bleeding eventually picked up as well and was no longer light bleeding but much more like a normal period and was bright red with some small clots.

I haven’t seen any tissue yet, but the bleeding is still picking up and the cramps are constant, though I have taken some tylenol to hopefully help with the pain.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m miscarrying at this point. I’m not even sure how pregnant and I am due to some conflicting information I’ve gotten, but according to my LMP i’d be 9 weeks and 1 day. According to the hospital, I’m only 6 weeks and 1 day.

I’m not really sad exactly--mostly disappointed and wishing we had held off on buying anything. Right now I’m just hopeful that things will complete naturally and quickly without any complications and won’t get too super painful before it’s over.

I’m not sure when or if we will start to TTC anytime again soon due to some big changes coming up in our lives soon that we’ll probably be focusing on instead, but I’m going to continue to update this blog as the miscarriage continues and again when we start to TTC. I’m not sure what we’ll be calling this first baby, but we’ll probably reserve the name Ezra for when we actually carry a pregnancy to term.

Big thanks to everyone who has given me advice and warm thoughts in the past seven weeks. You guys have been great. Best of luck and healthy pregnancies to all of you.

[handebabyandme]

5w6d???

I ended up going to the ER because the brown spotting I was having picked up and I started having a cramping/stabbing feeling in my right side. My OB was concerned about a possible ectopic but (of course) they couldn’t get me an appointment so they recommended I head to the ER just in case.

When I got there they asked how far along I was and I told them I was 8 week and 6 days based on the first day of my last menstrual period being January 24. They did an abdominal ultrasound and couldn’t see anything except MAYBE a yolk sac. So they sent me down for a very long and very uncomfortable transvaginal ultrasound. They wouldn’t tell me anything or let me see anything on the screen. 

The nurse came back to tell me that I was not 9 weeks pregnant but apparently I’m only 5 WEEKS AND 6 DAYS PREGNANT?!?!?! She then told me that I must have missed one period due to stress (never happens to me) and ovulated later than I thought. When I informed her that my husband and I haven’t had sex since mid-late February and I got a positive pregnancy test on February 28th and another positive pregnancy test at the doctor on March 4th, she treated me like a total idiot and insisted I must be wrong somehow.

When the other nurse came in to have me sign the paper work I told her that things were not adding up for me. She then explained to me that they were counting from the time of conception rather than my last period, which put me right around six weeks. That would mean that I ovulated around mid-February and conceived shortly thereafter, which does make sense to me, since I thought I must have ovulated late anyway.

The good news is that even at 5w6d they did hear a fetal heartbeat, which is pretty early to hear it. They said my bleeding is therefore probably related to implantation since it is so early on.

I still feel odd because it’s not like I was a few days to a week off--I was THREE WEEKS OFF. The nurses and doctors did not seem concerned in the least and sent me along saying everything is fine.

Have any of you had an experience like this? Has your baby’s age been so far off what you thought the gestational age was based on LMP?

[handebabyandme]

8w6d: brown spotting

I woke up this morning feeling like I was having extra discharge going on. When I went to the bathroom right after I woke up, I didn’t see anything abnormal. About five minutes later, I noticed that something still didn’t feel right in that area so I went to the bathroom again. This time when I wiped I had some dark brown, mucus filled discharge. After that, I’ve had more watery brown discharge when I go to the bathroom. I ran to Walmart to snag some pads since I know the doctors want to know if you’re able to fill up a pad in an hour or so when you call about these kinds of things. Thus far, nothing has really made it into my undies, it’s just there when I wipe.

So far, I don’t have any cramping going on. I do have a pretty bad headache but I’m not taking any Tylenol right now because if I do start having cramps, I want to know.

If things get worse or if I see any red blood, I’ll be taking a trip to the ER. Send your good vibes my way.

[handebabyandme]

8w4d: I canceled my ultrasound

Today was meant to be my first ultrasound appointment that I made with a local pregnancy boutique place that offers like 3D/4D ultrasounds as well as 2D packages for those in early pregnancy. I made the appointment because I was feeling very impatient about having to wait until week 11 for my first OBGYN appointment but last night I kept having crazy dreams about my ultrasound causing a miscarriage and when I woke up this morning, something just didn’t feel right.

I am in no way saying that ultrasounds aren’t safe or that other people shouldn’t get early ultrasounds. I am not a healthcare provider and I certainly have no background in science. Please do listen to your doctor and do your research before you listen to anything that I have to say. But I do feel like it may be a bit of an unnecessary overkill to have an elective ultrasound now and then have another one in 10 days when I actually go to the doctor. When I made my appointment around week 5 or 6, waiting until week 11 sounded insane. Now that I’m almost to week 10, I think I can definitely hold off.

I very rarely have any kind of strong intuition that something just isn’t right but this is one of the time that I did and so I’m going to listen to that.

Other than that, everything is going well. I’ve had some light dizziness a few times in the past few days, mostly when I’ve gone more than two hours without eating something or when I haven’t had enough water. The ovulation-like pain I was having has largely gone away by now but I’m still keeping a close eye on how that area feels just in case.

Finally, my lower belly bloat seems less and less inclined to go down in the past couple days. It’s definitely still not what anyone could call a bump but it may be the beginning of that little pooch that people start getting in the second trimester.

[handebabyandme]

8w2d: ovulation-like pain

Since last night, I’ve been having some dull, achey pain on and off on my right side. It feels exactly like the pain that I get when I ovulate. It doesn’t really bother me when I’m just sitting down, but it sort of gets tender when I go from standing to sitting or walk quickly.

Of course, the first place that my mind goes is to ectopic pregnancy. I’ve researched it to death (of course) and my symptoms don’t seem anywhere near severe enough to be an ectopic pregnancy, at least not at this point. I have no spotting or bleeding, no dizziness, and no severe cramps. From what I can tell, it’s either round ligament pain or a corpus luteum cyst.

I have my first ultrasound in two days so if things don’t get worse and no new symptoms present themselves, I’m just going to wait until that appointment to confirm where the pregnancy is/that things are developing normally.

[handebabyandme]

8w0d con’t.

Basically everyone that I know has gone to their first OB appointment around this time and had their first ultrasound/heard the heartbeat, etc. The military is kind of notoriously stingy with their ultrasounds so I’m not even sure that I am going to get one when I go for my first appointment that’s scheduled in the middle of my 11th week.

I read all of these things online about missed miscarriages and I personally know several people who have had them. At this point in the pregnancy, I just really need to hear baby E’s little heartbeat. I know that hearing a heartbeat does not mean that I can rule out miscarriage entirely, but I think it would make me feel a lot better to know if the baby is measuring on time and has a strong heart beat.

There’s a really cute, reputable little maternity spa that also does 2D, 3D, and 4D ultrasounds (for a fee of course) that tons of people in our area have used since most doctors here won’t do an ultrasound until closer to 20 weeks. I went ahead and booked an appointment for a short, heartbeat detection ultrasound that I’ll have on Wednesday when I am 8w4d.

Of course, if everything is good to go I’ll post the little pictures they give us and the audio of the heartbeat, since they’ll be sending us home with a disk.

[handebabyandme]

8w0d

I had a dream last night that I had a miscarriage and divorced my husband because he didn’t get me to the ER quickly enough. I know we have another month to go before we are out of the early miscarriage danger zone, but I’m feeling a little bit better now that we’ve made it to 8 weeks. I don’t know why, but 8 weeks seems significant to me. It’ll be another 2 weeks before I have my first prenatal appointment but I’m feeling really good.

I’m still sleeping 10-11 hours per night and getting tired when we go out but the fatigue hasn’t been quite as bad as it was when I first found out that I was pregnant. I did have another small dizzy spell the day before yesterday but other than that it hasn’t been an issue. My blood pressure is still within normal ranges so that’s good.

I have not really had any additional spotting since I had those few drops of blood around week 5. I did have some pinkish brown discharge after sex the other day but it was only once and then it totally went away, which I have been told is relatively normal and probably just due to cervical irritation.

My breasts are still sore on and off and getting larger by the day. I didn’t really have any cravings this past week and zero food aversions or nausea. Light, intermittent cramping is still happening but has lessened a lot since week six. My acne is out of control but that’s been the case basically since conception, before I even knew I was pregnant.

If this thing sticks, I’m one of the luckiest women that I know with relatively few unpleasant symptoms with this pregnancy.

[handebabyandme]

7w6d: crazy pregnancy dreams

I always have weird, vivid dreams, but this week I think the pregnancy dreams are really starting to kick in.

The night before last I dreamt that I was married to a black lesbian woman and my mother in law was the parent of a child I used to provide care for at my previous job. I was still pregnant in the dream and I have no clue if in this dream world two women could conceive a child together (how cool would that be?!) or if I was carrying someone else’s baby. Apparently, it was July 4th so we went out to a fireworks show where we met up with the cast of Criminal Minds. I happened to say something along the lines of missing my husband IRL and my wife divorced me for it.

Last night I had a dream that I was at the beach with my extended family. I was swimming and my throat basically got ripped out by a barracuda-esque creature. I ran into the house with blood gushing through my hands and my whole family basically said, “Well, looks like there’s nothing we can do for you. Try to put pressure on it until you die, which will probably be in a few minutes. Enjoy the time you have left.” Obviously, I thought this was insane so I went running around town trying to find a doctor who would help me and they basically all told me I was a lost cause. Resigned, I went back to my family’s beach house to wait for the end. When I got there my aunt advised me to go “shave everything, even your arms,” so I’d “look like a pretty little doll” inside my coffin. At some point, I decided to go for a walk on the beach and ended up in a forrest filled with lesbian faeries who were led my one of my undergrad literature professors (who is a man). They made me go for a swim in one of their streams and it healed my wounds. The dream ended with me wearing a burlap tunic and cleaning their restrooms. 

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

[handebabyandme]

7w4d: sibling gender reveal, moving, and finding a care provider

I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but my little sister is also pregnant. She’s almost 17 weeks and she just found out yesterday that she’s having a baby girl! She’s super excited, although she and her boyfriend initially wanted a boy.

She and I have had completely different pregnancies with different symptoms. Hers has been rough, mine has been very easy so far. Maybe I’m having a boy? That would be ironic because then we’d both be having the opposite of what we had a preference for. How funny!

Since my husband and I will likely be moving back home in June and I’ll be switching insurance plans due to our job transitions, I’ve started looking into where I want to receive my prenatal care and give birth. The great news is that I found a birth center that employs three full-time midwives and two OBGYNs. I’m going to try to get in as a new patient as soon as we know for sure if we’re moving back.

[empressandhersun]