{rp oc for new ham hq} They’ll get you in the place that you fear it the most. In the corner, where it’s warmer. In the face that you wish was a ghost— Wait, I don't ever want to be here. Like punching in a dream, breathing life into the nightmare.
jesse let out a deep sigh of defeat. not that it was hard, he didn’t want to go in the first place. he knew they’d eventually run out of food and then they’d be screwed, but he didn’t want her going back until she was ready. “if i’m not going anywhere then i need to cook what we do have so it doesn’t go bad,” he told her as he reached over and took her phone, texting grizz that no one was coming again. “if you want you can come with me and help… or just sit there and look pretty.” he gave her the best grin he could muster up.
as his chest rose and fell, hannah felt she could handle her feelings. handle what had happened. well, maybe she wouldn’t go that far. but at least jesse could keep her from breaking down again. she opened her eyes slowly, turning her chin up to see his face. “i don’t want anything.” he probably knew. “i’ll sit with you, though,” she added slowly. could she make it into the kitchen? when was the last time she left this bed? she’d been drunk off her ass and crying her eyes out, as far as she could remember. but maybe if she made it out there, she could figure out where grizz had hidden her alcohol.
he was never the type of boyfriend to tell her what to do, mostly because he didn’t like being told what to do. he’d always found that amusing because she managed to get him to do whatever she wanted without even trying. which was why, in this case, he wasn’t as opposed to letting someone else do it. he’d let grizz hide it from her, not even bothering to ask where it was. it was probably better if he didn’t know anyway. i don’t care, i’m not hungy. as if leaving her wasn’t already hard enough. “i know,” he wrapped his arms around her tighter. “i can find someone to come stay with you.”
she tried to take deep breaths, holding back a tidal wave of feelings that threatened to pour out at any second. she didn’t want to cry again. she was so fucking sick and tired of crying. her whole body hurt when she cried. the world was ending when she cried. i miss my brother. she wrestled the thought back into the depths of her brain as soon as it showed its ugly face and tried to focus on something else, anything else—her grip on his t-shirt, the smell of him mixed with the smell of her bed, his arms holding tight to ground her. “i just want you.” she barely whispered, afraid that her voice would break.
he didn’t want to go anywhere. she’d finally calmed down and he knew that if he left, they’d have to go through the whole thing again when he got back. he also hated the idea of her being alone. he hated it in general, but more so now that she felt it. “if i could stay here for the rest of my life, i would,” he sighed deeply. “but if i don’t, we won’t have food and unfortunately, we need that.” he pressed his lips to her forehead, but made no effort to get up. he wanted to tell her he’d be back later but he couldn’t help but think about how the last person who’d promised her that, didn’t.
the more she thought about him leaving, the more she thought about how long it had taken to feel normal like this again. or at least numb. at least it didn’t hurt so much anymore. but if he left her alone with her thoughts, she’d fall right back down the rabbit hole of how painfully lonely her life was without her brother. not to mention she wasn’t sure where the rest of the alcohol had gotten hidden and she didn’t have the wherewithal to get up and go find it.
she rolled over without getting any farther away from him, burying her face in his chest. “i don’t care. i’m not hungry.”
hannah liked the dark. she liked her bed. she liked feeling jesse’s warmth around her. it was safe. it was just like before normal. somehow, in the midst of all this loss and emptiness, she liked something. and that was why she was holding onto him so tight. “don’t go to your shift,” she whispered, never opening her eyes. “just stay here.”
grizz prepares to let himself in to the jordan residence using a spare key. but he finds the front door unlocked, knocked about two millimeters askew from complete closure. he edges the key into the pocket of his letterman and nudges the door open with his toe.
“ hannah ? ” he calls into the front foyer. no response. as expected. his lips twist into a scowl as he makes tentative steps into the house, taking extra care to close and lock the door behind him. deadbolt, too. concern rushes through his veins as he scans each and every inch of the hallway, the living room, the kitchen. no intruders. but no one’s seen hannah out and about for days, and…
she hears her name but it can’t be who it sounds like. almost- she almost thinks its him. keiran. did she die and go to heaven? is that her brother? she can’t look, perhaps because she knows it’s not true. and when grizz steps into view, she squeezes her eyes shut and turns her face toward the wall.
“g’way,” she mutters again, but he grabs her bottle out of her hand, forcing a reaction.
“hey!” she snaps, lurching to wrap her hand around it again. “give that back. s’mine-” she latches on and uses a foot to push against him, yanking her lifeline, her drink back into her chest. she sinks into her soft spot in the wall again. this is where she should stay. here until she can... see her brother again.
her grabs onto her arm and gets real close and wraps a hand around her wrist and she squirms away. “buncha stuff.” she couldn’t remember what they’d collected in this bottle. anything hard and stiff and with a high alcohol content. he keeps getting so close to her and she pushes back this time. “get off.”
she curls it into her chest, saving that last sip for the right moment. she can’t have nothing left of him yet. nothing solid. nothing that makes her feel the way he did.
safe. happy. whole.
she missed him. so much. and all grizz can think about is the stupid drink. fine, whatever, she drank too much. it didn’t matter now. she was allowed to drink whatever she wanted. her brother was dead. she was never going to see him again. “i told you!” she lashed out at grizz, shifting so her legs were facing him, her last sip of keiran’s soul protected by her knees and resting in her arms. “s’a bunch of drinks, i dunno. i’ve had it forever.
“grizz, just-” she sighed and closed her eyes again, leaning her head back. “go away.”
hannah wanted to go back to before she’d found out.
@hvndcvffed
every moment since that one had been hell. a blur of pain. all her family was gone. probably dead. definitely dead. she had no one. no one to protect her or love her or make her feel safe. the only thing left that made her feel invincible—or at least numb—was alcohol.
she lay slumped against the wall of her bathroom, sitting on a crumpled towel that she’d probably knocked over. she didn’t remember. she didn’t remember what day it was or how long she’d been here or why she’d decided to sit here.
slowly, she cracked her eyes open and realized she was cradling her and keiran’s bottle of mixed liquor. anything they found that could be hidden from their dad in what had formerly been a bottle of surface cleaner. a pitiful groan fell out of her throat and she closed her eyes again. it was almost empty.
at the last drop, he’d really be gone.
desperate to forget it all again, she took another sip. it was a bad idea. as soon as the noxious liquid hit her tongue, her stomach roiled and tried to erupt. she fought it back, leaned against the cool tile again, and breathed shakily. nonono. her thoughts were a spiral of sorrows. she never threw up. she couldn’t now.
suddenly, she remembered there was nothing left to throw up. she hadn’t eaten since prom. she had barely moved since after the hospital. she had thrown up last night. or maybe it was yesterday.
peeling her eyes open again, she thought she heard someone open the door. “go away,” she mumbled.
When was the last time that Kieran hadn’t been with one of them? Months ago? Years ago? It seemed like they were always together. The three of them or Hannah and Kieran or Kieran and Blue. Very rarely it he was alone. He hated to be alone. Oh god he hated to be alone. And he was. Right now he was so alone. Blue and Hannah here. Kieran god knows where. He was alone. His biggest fear. Blue knew that and he could leave. They couldn’t leave.
His eyes flicked to Hannah as she spoke. Jesus, she was the only one who understood.The only one who got it. All those other people milling about the hospital didn’t know Kieran. They didn’t care about him. They bullied him. Pushed him to the outside of there circles. Why were they all here? He wanted to scream at them to all leave. To let them- Let them just- Just do whatever the fuck they needed to do. Him and Hannah and Kieran.
Sitting up, Blue sniffled and pushed some of Kieran’s hair back out of his face. He looked all wrong. Eyes closed, so still, no smile on his face. He leaned down and kissed Kieran’s forehead before getting up. He felt dizzy as he stood on shaky legs. Blue wanted to the window of his hospital room and opened it before going back to Hannah. “Lets go. We’re not dealing with them.” He mumbled taking her hand in one of his own. A numbness coming over his whole body now.
She was right. He shouldn’t say things like that. He was gone but nothing made this hurt more. It couldn’t.
she didn’t move as blue cried. as he fixed keiran’s hair and kissed his forehead. as he opened the window and offered her a hand.
hannah sat there like a statue, like a gargoyle keeping all the nasty things away from her twin. that’s what they had always done for each other. protect themselves and comfort themselves and love each other more than anything in the world.
but she couldn’t anymore. he was gone. and no one could protect her.
she felt just as cold and empty as a statue too.
her hand slid into blue’s of its own volition and ever so slowly, she started to get up. her feet hit the floor like lead. she pushed out of her seat against every instinct in her body. she leaned into him, unable to hold herself up.
peyton feels his skies descending. hospital air becomes smog and it’s all he can do not to choke on nothing. his chest stutters and his hands wring and wring and wring.
Keep reading
hannah stared at him, standing ever so still why he gulped air and she felt like earth was spinning ten times faster than normal. she was going to fall—lose her balance and fall and earth would throw her right into space.
it might be better.
better than this suffocating, crushing, obliterating feeling.
i found them. peyton found them. hannah wasn’t sure she was breathing anymore. were the noises in this room human? was she making them? she tried to keep her balance, but her knees couldn’t stand and she held herself up on the edge of the bed her brother lay lifeless on.
her brother’s corpse
her brother was gone.
and all anyone cared about was cassandra. “he’s dead,” she whispered, horrified. she couldn’t believe she had to say it out loud. it was so easy. just words. but nothing could ever describe this feeling.
“you- you just let him die-” her chest was about to split in two. “that’s- that’s my brother! and now he- he- he-” she couldn’t go on. she couldn’t do anything without him.
they were supposed to go together. she’d planned for this. she had the drugs and the blankets and the hospital—the real hospital, from home, with doctors who could save him. she knew what she was supposed to do when he od’ed. she knew what to do when he went through withdrawal. she knew both could kill him. she knew everything and she was prepared.
but a car hit him. and all her planning and promising herself she’d never have to live without him was useless. he was gone. she was here. and she thought her world had ended.
she didn’t remember when she’d sat down, but she was on the floor now. at the foot of the cot, legs tucked into her chest, hugging herself tight.
becca just stopped, her lips sealed as her eyes welled up with tears once more. she tried not to look at him, his corpse still warm and barely pink as he lied on the table, the blood still stained on his clothes. she couldn’t look at him.
her bottom lip stayed tucked between her teeth, her knees shaking as she tried to catch her friend’s gaze. but she remembered her father’s death, how she had screamed and slammed her door closed on anyone who dared to come in. she knew the pain, but this— it was fresh.
“ i… i want to help. “ she sighed, her eyes casting down to her feet. “ i’ll… i’ll be outside if you need anything… “
deep down, somewhere deep down, tucked far away from her mental reasoning, there was a tiny part of hannah that knew becca was trying to help. another part that knew there was nothing she could do. another part that knew hannah should grab becca’s hand and latch onto that help. but it was all overshadowed by the pure, simple fact that her brother was dead.
every breath shook her whole body. every thought made her want to die with him. she was nothing without her brother. what came next?
hannah held onto his bloodied clothes with a white-knuckle grip, daring someone to try to take her away from him. if she turned away, she could pretend it wasn’t her brother. that maybe she’d go home and keiran would answer the door and everything was a lie.
another ragged sob escaped her throat and she lifted her head slowly. “i need my brother.”
obviously, ya girl’s quite intoxicated by the time the actual event rolls around.
but she made up with her brother (over drinks, of course) and danced with him for quite a while. made fools of themselves while simultaneously looking like the coolest people in the room.
shortly after, blue arrived and hannah had a lovely time enjoying herself with him too, before he and keiran snuck to fuck have their own fun.
afterwards, she ran into grizz, who she hadn’t seen in a while, and they got into a terrible fight when he called her an alcoholic.
after which she dragged herself home, showered to stave off a midnight hangover... when peyton called her and told her to rush down to the clinic.
