my best OC is Brad Wayne, Bruce’s illegitimate biological child via a totally normal woman he had a fling with when he was younger and didn’t stay in touch with
Brad grew up a totally normal kid, went to college, joined a frat, and decided to get in touch with Bruce, who now has an awkward situation on his hands
now the other Batkids have to deal with fucking Brad Wayne, whose normalacy is absolutely insufferable... he tells Dick to try yoga and suggests that Tim will sleep better if he gets more exercise... Bruce goes out of town and Brad decides it’s time to throw a house party with his frat friends
he’s so good
All of Brad’s Bat-siblings are absolutely unprepared to deal with him. They can’t handle it. They can’t even hate him properly, even Damien, because he’s just... he’s not even... he’s just Some Guy™️!
They’re all braced for the inevitable reveal that he’s a villain, an imposter, or an interloper there to usurp the Wayne fortune or spy on Batman. They have all sorts of plans to foil his schemes and the only thing they’re not able to prepare for is the fact that he’s just. Brad. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s not a saint, either—his problems are just so mundane, so ordinary.
They TRY to understand what his life is like, but how are they supposed to relate to someone who doesn’t text back because he’s hungover or his phone died, not because he’s tied up in a death trap somewhere being menaced by someone in a Halloween costume?
No one’s ever tried to ritually sacrifice him before and it shows.
Does he know they are the batfam? Or does he just think it is so cool that his dad has adopted all these kids that needed a home?
Oh he has no idea. Brad didn’t grow up in Gotham and isn’t really familiar with its culture, so he thinks it’s an ordinary city with ordinary problems (presumably there’s still a concept of ‘ordinary’ in the DCU).
When someone tries to tell him he laughs it off. Maybe one of his friends asks him about the popular rumor that Bruce Wayne is Batman, but he’s never even contemplated the possibility. Later he’s trying to coax Dick into playing beer pong and loudly tells the story to party guests as a funny anecdote. He thinks the whole concept of Batman is hilarious. Maybe he makes up stories about seeing Batman to impress his family and make himself sound cool.
Eventually though some bad guy who wants a huge ransom is going to kidnap Brad. What happens then? Does Batman call in a favor to one of the other members of the Justice League or does Damien go out and rescue his brother and tell him he’s the most useless of all his brothers because he’s so ordinary? Because you know if anyone is going to blab it’s going to be Damien.
Brad gets kidnapped and Steph and/or Cass rescue him in costume.
Later, in Wayne Manor, he tells his family all about how the Batgirls were totally flirting with him and how he managed to take out a few of the bad guys all by himself.
Brad Wayne: “Hey, do you guys think Batman fucks? Like, you think he has ever gotten laid?”
Dick, stiffly: “Um. Yes. I think so.”
Brad: “Really? Guy sounds like a turbo-virgin to me. I mean, he fights crime in a fursuit! Come on!”
Tim: “I have it on reasonable authority that Batman fucks. Unfortunately.”
Steph: “Hey, Damian. Penny for your thoughts?”
Frat Kid Brad Wayne
Brad: “Bro do you remember what Robin used to wear, back when we were kids? With like, those little feathery booty shorts?”
Dick: “Scaled. Not feathery. He wore an armored leotard.”
Brad: “Nah, man, they were totally feathery! ‘Cause robins have feathers. I never really understood that—why would Batman’s sidekick be themed after a songbird? Robins aren’t scary. They don’t fight crime, and they don’t come out at night. Why not ‘Batboy’ or ‘Owlkid’ or something?”
Dick: “I’m pretty sure Robin’s schtick was based off Robin Hood the outlaw, not the bird. That’s why he wore green, and had a uniform cleverly blending medieval costumery with, uh, acrobatic attire.”
Brad: “Whatever. I’m just saying, it was weird.”
Dick: “Not really? Look up classic strongman costumes and historical illustrations of Robin Hood. Or Google Jules Leotard.”
Brad: “But the bare legs! The pixie boots! Why would Batman let him wear that? It’s creepy.”
Dick: “It wasn’t! Look. It was a different time. In context, that costume was obviously heroic. Besides, he was a little kid. I’m sure he’d wear something different now.”
Jason: “Yeah, but didn’t he keep wearing the short pants until he was old enough to vote? I’m pretty sure I remember that Robin wearing the pixie boots through college... he must have spent a fortune getting his legs waxed. I think I’d die before I’d do that.”
Dick: “This is Gotham. People do weirder things all the time.”
Brad: “Haven’t there been a lot of Robins? What happens to them? Do they die and Batman just hopes no one will notice when they’re replaced?”
Dick: “I—”
Jason: “I think that’s exactly what happens. He’s probably got a whole cellar full of dead Robins.”
What do you think would happen when he saw Jason's gun collection? Cause Brad would at some point want to see where his adult siblings live and Jason probably just leaves his guns on whatever surface is clean. I wouldn't be surprised if there's one in the fridge from when he went to get a beer last night. And Brad already suspicious just opens up the fridge and there's a loaded gun and maybe a granade just staring at him when he goes to grab Jason a beer.
Honestly? I doubt he’d think much of it. He’d probably assume Jason was some kind of stockpiler with an extreme paranoid political bent, which are all too common, and suggest that he get a gun locker or twenty for safety—imagine if Damian were to come over, and there were unsecured guns, just think! You hear sad stories about little kids finding guns and playing with them all the time.
"Look, bro, I'm all for your second amendment rights. My LB in TKE wound up leading the campus conservative club, and we still hang. But, like, I worry about Damien and Tim, y'know? Shit happens when kids clown around."
Brad is my new favorite batkid everyone else can leave.
Brad, wandering out of the shower: “Wassup, T-man? You lose a fight to poison ivy or something?”
Tim, frozen in surprise: “H-how did... how did you know?”
Brad: “I’d know those blisters anywhere! My roommate freshman year had to go on steroids, he got it so bad. All over his ass. Almost got him kicked off the team ‘cause no one believed him until he dropped trou right on the field. Ever tried Tecnu Gel?”
But does the Tecnu Gel help tim? Does brad have seemingly random health items in his medicine chest bc "you never know what might happen to you?" have his frat bros gotten hurt doing stupid things and did those events lead brad to be like "I got a splint and some Advil in my car hang tight!" @glumshoe
I want to say yes just because the idea of Tecnu being useful against supervillains is very funny to me.
I imagine Brad is very familiar with sports injuries and alcohol poisoning, in ways that actually prove helpful to the Bat clan with surprising regularity. Maybe one of the guys gets the shit beaten out of him and tries to hide it, but Brad notices how stiff he is and is like, “I got you bro! Sit down, I’ll rub your back. No homo. I mean, unless you’re gay, that’s cool too, I mean hell, I’ve fooled around a bit with the team and I think I might be bi, but you’re still my bro even if you’re adopted, so nah. Haha damn dude, your shoulders are gnarly. You gotta stretch that shit!”
Also I just like the idea of him referring to The Joker as “Pennywise” by mistake.
