falafels on trees

⭒ they/them ⭒ queer ⭒ sapphic ⭒ unhealthily obsessed with dead gay wizards (esp the slytherin skittles) ⭒ terrible, TERRIBLE grasp on reality ⭒

[bakwaaas]

I need some studio ghibli level shit to happen to me

[parrish-the-thot]

Once hollanov gets outed people on the internet are gobsmacked- not necessarily by them being queer- but by party boy club rat Ilya Rozanov being into bed by 8pm Shane Hollander

Lots of jokes and speculation about the relationship like Ilya having to give up his cool life for bland Canadian guy who never heard of anything but missionary or even perhaps Shane having to become a super freak to keep roz around

Shane is kinda annoyed by it but it’s a better reaction than he was expecting.

Ilya tho….ilya is outraged by the people saying Shane being boring is bad and cracking jokes about it and In a drunken outrage posts something like ‘my sexy husband wears the sleepy time tea bear pajamas to bed and it’s so hot it makes my dick explode’ and other horny posts which immediately goes viral until Harris logs in and takes them down but screen shots have already been taken

Shane does an ad campaign and sponsorship with a cozy pajama company a few months later

[wildflowerdraught]

In retrospect, it's hilarious that Stratt made everybody on the vat speak English in deference to Grace being monolingual

Because with how quickly Grace was able to pick up Eridian, even with literally NOTHING about it being familiar the way a human language would be, they probably could have chosen Mandarin as the universal language on Stratt's Vat and he would have just. Learned it.

[the-quasar-hero]

You can make a movie with where the only white character is a man named Ray Cism whose one line of his 16 seconds of screen time is “I seriously hate women and minorities.” and you’ll find fifty bajillion reader x Ray Cism fanfics and renaissance style drawings of him with a halo of golden light

[tinylilhollander]

David and Yuna are clearing out their attic, and they come over with a box of Shane's old childhood stuff to see if there's anything Shane (but realistically, Ilya) wants to keep.

As Shane and Ilya are going through the box, Ilya pulls out a little Centaurs branded notebook, with "Shane's Fun Facts!" written on the front in sharpie. Ilya is understandably delighted.

"What is this?" he asks, smiling from ear to ear, quickly yanking it out of the reach of Shane who immediately tries to swipe it out of his hands.

"It's nothing," says Shane, but the way his cheeks have gone pink behind his freckles tells another story.

"Uh-uh. It cannot be nothing if you don't want me to see it this badly."

Turning his back to Shane so he can't easily grab at it, Ilya opens to a random page and reads in Shane's 8-year-old scrawl:

Lightning bolts are five times hotter than the sun. That is very hot!

Ilya is grinning even wider now.

"Wow, Solnyshko, that is a fun fact."

"Fuck off," Shane says. He doesn't even attempt to grab it again, just kind of collapses and bonks his head into Ilya's shoulder. "I used to have trouble making friends as a kid. Dad suggested I start collecting facts to use as icebreakers. Y'know, to get conversations going."

"Did they work?" asks Ilya, tilting his head so that it rests on top of Shane's as his husband gives an almighty sigh.

"I think they made it worse, actually."

Ilya turns to another page and reads it out loud.

"Oology is the study of eggs. It's so cool because it looks like there are three eggs in the word!"

"Oh god," says Shane, burying his face further into Ilya's neck.

"I think you knew all the worst kids in Canada," says Ilya, putting down the book and wrapping his arms around Shane. "Those facts would have worked on me."

"Really?" asks Shane, glancing up at Ilya's face to see if he's teasing him, but Ilya is being perfectly serious.

"Of course. You came up to me and started telling me fun facts straight away, remember? 'I don't think you can smoke here.' 'Wow, Rozanov, you are the best player ever to watch.'"

"Fuck off, I didn't say that," laughs Shane.

"Well, it was something like that," says Ilya, pressing a kiss to the top of Shane's head. "So at least the fun facts worked when it mattered, yes? Imagine where we'd be if you hadn't come over to break the ice."

And Shane tugs Ilya even closer.

"I don't think I want to."

[graveyarrdshift]

women's thighs. you agree. reblog.

[mistflarden-deactivated20200816]

“In Europe they–”

WHERE in Europe??!? WHERE??? You mean Iceland?? Azerbaijan? The Netherlands? Liechtenstein???? THERE ARE 50 COUNTRIES IN EUROPE. ALL WITH DIFFERENT CULTURES. SO PRAY TELL ME, WHERE IN FUCKING EUROPE.

[eldriitchmurmurs]

in europe they got antisemitism

[number-one-malloc-appreciator]

[snowsmoked]

I do think that Shane gets a Russian language tutor. He sees that Ilya is always having to think, speak, and translate in his second language. And he knows that Ilya is fluent by this point, but if he's serious about forever with Ilya (which he is) he wants Ilya to be able to communicate with his boyfriend in his native language. He also saw how much his grandparents struggled with learning English as adults and how much more expressive and talkative they were when they spoke Japanese at home together.

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

Though, maybe he shouldn't have learned those phrases at the same time, because Ilya will never, for as long as they live, allow him to forget asking, while down on his knees and with excellent pronunciation, please let me suck your tea.

[equippedtolove]

SOMEWHERE in the depths of shane's messages there is a groupchat called 'our overlord and majesty jane + her servants (the raiders)' where, a couple weeks after tunameltgate, (and ilya seemingly being possessed by a soviet war general during practice) cliff had personally taken it upon himself to have every single raiders player beg and plead jane to take ilya back, for fear of their lives. the chat periodically comes alive during progressions in their relationship ('can't believe roz is whipped enough to move to OTTAWA, man!') and you BETTER believe it explodes after the fanmail video.

[infertilityidol]

[venusish]

123movies & putlocker provide more for the people of this country than the army has ever

[kittenisajerk]

At least the army doesn’t take the money creators could have made. And is also not stealing anyone’s content. ^^

[uiruu]

they kill people

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

you make one fucking post where the point is “women are encouraged to develop disordered eating from a very young age and that impacts how we view the ‘natural’ size and shape of women” and too many reblogs later i am being accused of saying short people wouldn’t exist if they ate better growing up. i’m sorry but if you genuinely think i was saying that you are just a buffoon. i cannot and will not sanction your buffoonery.

[syn4k]

"lock in" is probably one of the most important phrases to enter the public lexicon in the 2020s

[joyflameball]

[alltheyoungregulus]

Beauty influencer Sirius is hosting a make up live when Regulus storms into his room wanting to borrow some of Sirius's jewellery for his date with James. He is on screen only for few seconds, but for weeks people won't stop asking about Sirius's hot brother

[gaynehollander]

Shane calls Ilya a passenger princess one (1) time and after that, he will constantly say shit like “away to the carriage” and “by royal decree we must listen to Kendrick now.” Shane’s not even sure where he learned the phrase ‘royal decree’ but suspects Ilya did fucking research for this bit.

[twofingerswhiskey]

reblog if you hate the current interior design trend of painting everything white with hints of grey or black. ignore if you have no taste

[toasted-rivalry]

A ‘Bears walk in to Ilya’s house and see him napping with Shane AU’ where Ilya somehow manages to still keep Shane’s identity a secret.

Ilya always had been a light sleeper, so no matter how lightly they stepped he was awake moments after the first shocked gasp.

Ilya knows it’s over for him. There’s no mistaking that there’s a man asleep on his chest in a clearly non-platonic cuddle. Usually Ilya would be punching the intruder, threatening violence to try and ensure they kept their mouth shut but he has quickly realised something far more important. With the way they are sleeping, Ilya on his underneath on his back and Shane on his stomach on top with his face pressed into the gap between Ilya’s neck and the couch, they can’t see his face.

He quickly pulls Shane’s hood up over his head to hide hair and rests a hand over it to gently discourage Shane from moving it should he start to wake up.

So Ilya just stares down his team and goes “you can be upset, but are going to be fucking quiet about it because if you wake my guest I’m sending all my blackmail on you to your wives, and then start fucking them to help them get over the divorce.”

So the whole “You’re fucking gay!” “No, I’m a fucking bi who is fucking a gay” conversation happens at a furious whisper, with Shane blissfully sleeping on Ilya’s chest as life implodes around him.

Shane may be a deep sleeper - and the argument in whispers - but even he starts to stir at the noise.

Ilya can’t have him moving his face into visibility now, so he just scruffs the back of his neck harshly and pressed him deeper into his shoulder.

Shane lets out a pleased (and not at all quiet) moan, and - worried that he is going to start talking - Ilya realises he needs to shut him up.

So he glares at the Bears to be quiet, while suddenly putting on the softest voice they have ever heard him use as he goes, “shhh quiet time now mоя любовь. Back to sleep.” And then shoves his fingers into Shane’s mouth.

When the Bears leave soon after, some of them have LEARNT some things about themselves. But crucially, none of them have learnt who their captain is fucking.