"well, that's no ordinary rabbit. that's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! it's a killer!" gameverse hauenkua @hiraeth
Hauenkua’s in the middle of a particularly “gripping” (ahem) doujinshi when he feels a set of eyes bore into him. Taking his feet off the windowsill and spinning around in his chair so that he’s now properly seated at his desk, he breaks away from his precious 2D girls and returns to the realm of reality.
“S’up,” he says, meeting his visitor’s unflinching eye-contact as he sets the manga down, displaying it proudly on his desk.
And he has to say, 3D elf girls are so much more disappointing compared to 2D.
(Of course there were girls with pointed ears back home, but they were all Satan-worshiping heathens, so why should he care about them?)
“Ne, I was in the middle of reading a fascinating article from a highly-acclaimed academic journal. Anyway, what do you want? Are you in my class? Do you need help with something?”
Hauenkua didn’t expect that he actually had to care for the creatures he brought into his classroom--because if there’s anything Hauenkua’s great at, it’s definitely caring for things. But here he is, in a stable wearing mucking clothes, and he’s suddenly eleven years old again, but instead of taking care of goats this time it’s dragons and shit.
He hates manual labor. Gross.
“Rub a dub dub, come get some grub!” he hollers, chucking a pig into the tatzelwurm enclosure like a quarterback. He watches with slight amusement as it chows down, but that amusement quickly fades away as he realizes he still has a bajillion other animals to attend to. Looking around, he tries to find someone he can pawn the work onto.
Mission accomplished.
“Hey, kid!” he calls out, “come check out this fucked up cat slug thing! It’s slimy--uh.” He pauses. Do girls like slimy things? Yes, of course they do. “All of God’s creation here, right under a mucousy rainbow. All you could possibly want!”
//Most peoples’ exam periods should be coming to an end soon, so I’m going to put out a starter call for Professor Rabbit McRabbitface while I search for a job (have to be a professional adult now, aye). Cap is at 4.
The consciousness? Add frowned whilst thinking upon this topic, his hostility had simmered down into deep thought (but that didn’t mean his guard was down). He watched as Hauenkua circles him, keeping his eye fixed on the man. Kind of hard to do when he had an obvious blind spot. Luckily for him, Dynamo could keep track of the other’s location with his bioelectricity.
Add flexed his fake tail, listening to Hauenkua’s musings, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Of course, there was infinite worlds and timelines, though…Add was only aware of that through experience. His first encounter came from Dynamo itself when it took him to the future Elder village. He then made it his goal to go back in time, which meant he needed more power and lead him down the path of a power-hungry craze. A man who knew no mercy if it meant getting what he needed for his research.
“In my own universe, yes. That could be the case, but who knows if the same laws apply in every dimension. Their laws of time and space could be different to the ones that were my own. I’m still researching into that, and I would be if not for this Academy. I’ll let you in on something since you seem so intrigued. The way my time travel works is similar to water displacement. You know what that is? I’m sure you do with how smart you seem.
To put it in simple and understandable terms, I replace the ‘me’ in that timeline. I take their place for the time that I’m in their timeline. They get shoved out of their timeline, and into a pocket dimension. Or so I’ve hypothesised. I don’t know what actually happens to that ‘me’, nor do I really care. One thing’s certain is that there cannot be two of the same person in the same timeline and world, at the same time.”
There was more to this, but he wasn’t going to spill his secrets. In fact, he had started a project that would allow him to come in contact without shoving the other version of himself into a pocket dimension so that they could both exist freely at the same time within the same world. This project, however, was impossible at the current time. So he had put it to the side.
Hauenkua doesn’t at first make the connection between how throwing a rock into a cup to make the water level rise has to do with interdimensional travel, but he wiggles his ears a little as he ponders his words. “I never thought of that!” he chirps. “Fasc~i~na~ting! I never considered that the laws of physics might be different in other universes. After all, when one throws the apple up, they expect it to come down, ne?”
He wags his tail excitedly, considering the possibilities. “But I’ve seen with my own eyes that there are people here who are able to do things they ought not to in my world. For example, there is nothing about a human’s anatomy that suggests they should be able to fly, but there are people here who regard my world’s rules of aerodynamics with a grain of salt.”
Once Hauenkua’s interest was piqued, he would tirelessly research something until he exhausted all possibilities then unceremoniously tossed it aside--but perhaps this multiple timelines thing was the key to his project on eternal life?He thinks about Dii and his universe-warping powers, and he thinks of what he did to the humans. Suddenly, he remembers something.
“I think the humans made some sort of device in my world,” he states, growing introspective, “that allowed them to travel place to place by exploiting flaws in space-time. Are those the pocket dimensions you speak of?” He stretches, kneading his hands like a cat. “And they never got sick from that, as far as I can tell--at least, that’s not what took ‘em out.” Ah, if only Dii let him explore human technology some more when he showed it to him! He could’ve waded through those ruins for days and rediscover lost things. “But where I come from, most of that knowledge is lost. We tried to preserve what we could, but most of us are still figuring out this ‘agriculture’ thing.”
He hops a bit. “Maybe the humans wrote a book on it that’s in the library. Come on, we’re going there now. We might find the answer to your little conundrum in that. Then you have to tell me things! Tellmetellmetellme!”
“Wow, a holiday dedicated to worshiping rabbits! Looks like humans can do something right, after all! But instead of all of them, just worship this one!”
“It’s my cake day! 32 going on forever 18 and still way cuter than everyone else here! Give me your candy!”
Even amongst the chaos of the Failsafe test, Hauenkua still finds time for his creative endeavors. Tapping his pencil against the desk, he looks down and reads over what he’s written.
LIGHT NOVEL TITLE IDEAS:
I Became Trapped Inside a Video Game, But I Failed My First Dungeon Raid Spectacularly Because I Couldn’t Afford The Microtransactions
I Assembled a Harem of Warrior Princess Slaves, Except They’re Not My Harem And Actually I’m a Hamster
I Got Hit By A Truck And Expected To Be Reincarnated Into a Fantasy World, But All I Got Was This Shitty Back Brace Instead
My Party Says I’m Not The Chosen Hero, But I Know Better Because My Mom Said I Am
Summoned To Another World Within Another World Within Another World Within Another World
❝ Oi. ❞Just as he was about to step into their pointless banter, the entire bait ordeal was shifted upon him. As Shun handed over one of his weapons to Yamanbagiri, he mulled over the other’s words. While it seemed to be more of a taunt than a suggestion, truthfully, the (temporarily former) blade had no qualms to it. After all, scars are bound to be sustained from a battlefield, and he’s a regular to it. To further distinguish himself from the original Yamanbagiri, his chance is right there—
—No.
Aruji would be disappointed in him… Were he his past self from two years back, the saniwa could not waver his resolve. But now… he’s expected to return, and Headmistress did emphasize that death is permanent outside Hiraeth barriers. Though, unlike his teammates, the penalty had no affect on Yamanbagiri, seeing as it’s simple to just re-smith him later on; however, perhaps they didn’t need it, but he was to lead his party out of the labyrinth, alive.
❝ …Can’t we scoop them out with your spade and bucket? ❞ Kinda akin to Kingyo Sukui, except they had a viable scooper and hostile fish. ❝ We might not get them all out, but it’s better than becoming shredded meat. ❞
| | @haudenfreude·
“Ne, you two are no fun at all.”
Hauenkua stretches himself out by the waters edge, watching the fishes. “Of course, the belief that piranhas can strip a cow of its flesh in two minutes flat is a myth, which you would know if you took my class. I was just messing with you. Or was I?”
“--Not that they can’t do a good amount of damage, though. You know that plastic floats, ne, Swordy? What about the fish on the bottom? Surely there are plenty hanging out beyond the bucket’s reach?” He rolls over and studies his teammates and their “weapons” through blood-red eyes, suddenly jumping up.
“Ideaaaa!” he chirps. “Why don’t we catch one fish and cut it open? Then we can stuff it through the record hole and hold it in the water. The blood from the fish will induce a feeding frenzy and then we can knock the little fuckers out in one fell swoop with the shovel when they come up.”
Naturally, as the leader and of past experiences, he scouted the dingy labyrinth first before moving onward; luckily enough, they haven’t ran into any monsters yet. Emerald waves peered back in comfort knowing his teammates were still near and unharmed, though perhaps seemingly restless from lack of action. All three didn’t have the most.. formidable weapons, he noted, but he’s confident that they’ll manage… somehow.
Spotting a door on what was thought to be another dead end, Yamanbagiri held an arm out to halt the other two men, cautiously approaching to inspect the dreary layout. After deeming it to be safe, the Uchigatana nudged the door open and poked his head in, eyes darting everywhere to only find a single, circular pit of water smack in the center and an exit on the other end. It may appear harmless, but the entire display screamed suspicious; so he tapped on the walls, floor—everywhere until it proved its innocence.
Which only left the door and the floor cavity. Considering the outcome, as obvious as it was, he still reached out and jiggled the knob.
Hauenkua lets out a few sad little sniffles as he follows Swordy down the dungeon halls. It’s not that he was forced into this labyrinth that was the problem--it was being reduced to a shitty human’s capabilities, and now this blond jackass was pretending he knew what he was doing.
Letting out one last despondent sob, Hauenkua enters the room after him, just in time to see him jiggle the doorknob to the exit. Locked, of course. If Hauenkua still had his strong legs on him, he’d be able to kick it down no problem, but his pride as a rabbit didn’t matter any longer. He was a shit tier organism now.
Instead of following him to the door, Hauenkua circles around the pond a bit, peering in. “Hmm,” he says, poking his knitting needle in. A fish suddenly bites it, and he flings it aside. “Yep, that’s a piranha. Ne, boys, it looks like there’s a key at the bottom!” He turns to the third party member--whatever his name is--and looks at him expectantly.
Everything Is Awful And Wants To Kill You: Entry I, Woptar
Greetings, students! I was recently able to procure animal specimens from my world, so prepare yourselves for the next unit. To prepare you for what must surely be foreign fauna, I’ve put together this primer with notes from my college days for your ocular delight. Yes, kids, this is:
Everything is Awful and Wants to Kill You: A Guide to the Physiology and Behavior of Native Fauna, by yours truly.
Now, turn to the first page and be overcome with wonder.
Entry I, the Woptar
What the hell is this butt-ugly green-bean looking fuck? It’s none other than Stultus anuum, the dream, the legend itself - the Woptar! It’s a rare day where I come from that you don’t run into a herd of these dumbasses just standing around waiting to be picked off by a predator. They are so stupid, in fact, that they seem incapable of functioning without someone to do all that scary thinking work for them. Thus, we have largely domesticated this beast, as it’s so fucking stupid it’ll do what you want if you slap a bit and bridle on it and turn its head slightly. In the moment, the Woptar, a creature with many vacancies in the hotel of its mind, will be unable to understand that other directions still exist and didn’t suddenly slip into a goddamned black hole, and will promptly run in that direction. So lacking in free will and any semblance of a fear response whatsoever are they, that they make a brilliant mount for war, although it is taxing to teach them such tricks as “keep breathing” and “stop before you run off the fucking cliff, you fucking idiot.”
Anyway, S. anuum is an herbivorous, semi-quadripedal reptile in the “how the hell aren’t you extinct yet” family. They stand at about 1.7 meters on average and weigh around 80kg. Coloration is mostly dark green with a cream underbelly, but albino and melanistic specimens have been recorded. Also, there’s a flamboyant subspecies up north, S. anuum fabualis, that’s covered in feathers. Most notable is their somewhat concave back, which people have taken advantage of by strapping saddles there. They have strong back legs, a protruding snout, and dull, vacant eyes that stare sadly out to the world, looking but never truly seeing. They feed on leaves, bark, and fiber-rich grasses.
The only thing they have going for them is that they’re pretty fast and strong, but even then that sliver of hope is eclipsed by the dark despair that is mating season. Woptar, naturally, HAVE to have the most inane, shrieky squawk known to man, where the males will bray and bellow like a fat man stuck in his bathtub for days on end in hopes of attracting a mate, stamping down the dirt with an epileptic mating dance. They have high reproductive rates, ovipositing twice a year. It’s a wonder how the babies survive, considering the parents don’t do jack shit once the egg is laid and leave it alone to hatch and find a herd of its own.
Aside from their glitchy fuck dance, Woptar are a massive pain in the ass to keep and maintain, since they’ll eat goddamned anything, even poisonous plants. So of course half your herd drops dead every day, the fucking idiots.
One time I saw a Woptar walk into a wall, and it just kept walking, fruitlessly struggling against this immense obstacle it had no hopes of understanding.
Another class period passed the bell rung and like normal Tohru had her face down on the desk the entire class even though she was half listening. Giving a yawn she turned her head over once hearing the bell, she had her eyes closed and smile on her face. Hearing footsteps Tohru slowly opened her eyes wanting to find Miss Kobayashi when she fully opened her eyes, needless to say Tohru was a bit surprised to find the teacher standing there. Quickly sitting up Tohru’s eyes went wide as she stared at the teacher being silent for a bit until her body made her give a loud gulp. With a nervous laugh Tohru looked up at the teacher getting ready to say some kind of excuse.
“Uh…hey there sir…H-How can i help you?” Tohru was only a little scared, she had heard that this teacher was relentless when mad though it was a rumor she didn’t want to take chances, besides that Miss Kobayashi would also let her have it if she figured out Tohru spent her entire time in this class just sniffing a desk. “Look i have a good reason for what i was doing just uh…give me a second to explain please…”
Tohru was starting to hesitate a bit though if she were to use her full power this guy wouldn’t stand a chance against her, but as usual she holds back for Kobayashi’s sake because she respects her master. Tohru didn’t even know if this was about her spending the entire class with her face on the desk not even trying to hide it, or if it was about her grades or something. Tohru’s main worry was that she would be reported to the headmistress and kicked out, but having your face on the desk isn’t means of getting kicked out…right?
According to Hauenkua, he words were worth more than others’, so there was nothing that got his goat more than people not listening to him, especially during class. He wasn’t going to be pulled out of the middle of a very fun war to waste his biological prodigy on ingrates.
So he’s nothing less than displeased when he catches someone taking a nap during his VERY THRILLING lecture on plasmodial slime molds. Bending his baton so much he almost breaks it, his lip curls up ruefully and he drops what he’s doing, bounding over the students’ desks in a few leaps before situating himself in front of the slacker, arms crossed, boring down into her soul.
He opens his mouth to address her--and haha, holy shit, she isn’t napping. She’s sniffing the desk. Hauenkua holds back a giggle-snort, but he has her attention regardless.
“No excuses,” he shuts her down as soon as she begins explaining. “Hey, so that desk smells nice, huh? Did you know I can smell good, too? I smell an acute spike in your stress hormone levels, which means you’re certainly guilty as charged.” He raps the baton on her desk.
“Hey! Pop quiz. Since you’re not taking your time here seriously, then you obviously know all the material already and can answer this without issue. What is the common mechanism that drives primordial slime mold and monster slime cells to congregate into a single structure? Well?”
Unflinchingly looking back at the face that was now level with his, he didn’t feel so much offended than he was annoyed. This professor just, really enjoyed hearing the sound of his own voice didn’t he? Hauenkua went on and on throwing out an unnecessary string of synonyms while insulting him. But at this point, Nam found it childish to argue back. But then, he wasn’t anything if not petty, and he wasn’t above sinking to the other’s level.
“Actually, I’m extremely bland and unpopular. It’s too bad that you are too, seeing as you have to resort to begging a shut in like me to hang out with you.”
Suddenly finding his hands incredibly interesting, Nam casually ran a thumb over his fingernails, not bothering to look the professor in the face anymore. But he did finally peer up when Hauenkua mentioned trash collector. Raising an eyebrow, Nam feigned interest.
“Oh, are we talking about you in the third person now? Calling yourself a trash collector is a bit… harsh isn’t it? Must be awful having to pick up garbage like me, huh?”
Hauenkua didn’t think that humans were entirely without hope, but this one was exceptionally stupid, wasn’t he? As Nam fires back at him with the insults, the corners of his mouth turn up, but this time it’s not an amused smile. It’s nothing less than predatory, showing hints of his true nature for the first time since being summoned to the academy.
... He’s never gotten the opportunity to carve up a human before, has he? He wonders if there’s any particular anatomical differences on the inside of human beings from his kind. It’s just such a shame they had to go ahead and drive themselves to extinction before he had the chance.
But now, he finally has it, all these weak little sacks of water and meat just walking around.
“You misunderstand,” Hauenkua replies in a silky voice, barely disguising his agitation. “I don’t want to be friends with you. As a teacher, I have to push you past your comfort zone. But, if you view me as nothing more than a garbage collector, maybe it’s time to take the garbage out.”
“Hey kids, you ready for Spoopy-Doop Theater with Uncle Hauenkua? Of course you are. Now, I’m not bullshitting you. This actually happened to me, I swear on me mum.”
“So, the Kunnekamun countryside is a weird place. Like really fuckin’ weird. This happened when I was about eight or so, and I was playing in the woods surrounding the village with my older brother. On this day, we were playing pretty far off trail, pretending we were pirates or some shit. And suddenly, in the middle of the leaf litter, I find this big-ass dildo. This single, wooden johnson standing upright in the middle of the woods. I did not understand why this object existed, but hey, free club!!!
“So I picked it up and ran over to beat the shit out of my brother with my new weapon, and he was like ‘Hauenkua, holy sHIT!!! That’s a giant dick!!! Where did you find that???’ So I showed him, and he noticed that the leaf litter was bedded down, like a new trail, and we followed it. And I kid you not, we came to this abandoned campsite. Everything was in tatters, the fire pit had long since been reduced to ashes, except for all the dicks. There were dildos strewn all over the place. Big ones, small ones. Dicks. And then we heard something rustling in the trees and ran away. We went back sometime later, but the campsite and the dildos were all gone. It’s like no one had ever been there in the first place. Spooooky.”
Thank you for your continued interest in the Royal Academy of Kunnekamun. Upon reviewing your application and taking into account your great service to the Capitol, we are pleased to accept you to our institution. In addition, we would like to offer you a complete financial aid package in stipulation that you participate in work study. You have proven to be an exemplary person whose tenacity, wit, and creativity is unmatched. You have a very bright future ahead of you, whose opportunities we wish to expand if you choose to accept our invitation.
Sincerely,
Royal Academy of Kunnekamun, Acceptance Committee
–Second time’s the charm, ain’t it?
He sets the letter down and straightens the neckerchief on his uniform, a lanky teenager with shoulder-width hair and gangly limbs so cartoonish in proportion they look like they were glued on.
But that doesn’t matter–this is the first time in his life his hair’s ever been combed, the first time he’s lived somewhere that hasn’t been crammed to the roof with people, and the first time he’s ever had a new outfit. He has things now, and it’s almost a shock to him.
Hauenkua smiles smugly at himself. It’s almost a shock, of course, but it’s the destiny he created and the destiny he deserves. Like the letter said–his future is nothing but bright. The reward is finally his. Threading the last button through the hoop on his shirt, he picks up his books and leaves his dorm, ready to begin his life anew.
01. What does your character’s name mean? Did you pick it for the symbolism, or did you just like the way it sounded?
//You and me both are wondering that fam. There’s actually a rhyme and reason to all the long, meandering names in Utawarerumono. Most names come from the Ainu language. I tried decoding Hauenkua’s name and the best I got was “speaks for himself,” which is very… apt, but knowing this fucking game’s sense of humor his name probably actually means something stupid like “cuddles” or some shit.
05. Are they sexually confident or more of the shy type?
“Ahem… confident! ♥ Why do humans futz around when it comes to sex? It’s not hard… well, I am.”
17. Does your character have dreams of getting married and/or having children?
“I was married once. NEVER AGAIN.”
“Besides, if the outfit hasn’t given it away, I’m a monk. I’m not barred from pursuing romantic relationships, but I’m married to… God now, or some bullshit. If people like each other so much, then why do they need a piece of paper saying so? It’s a corrupt practice. I’ll never be used as a bartering piece ever again, got it?!
“As for kittens, I only like them when they’re part of my family. So if I had any of my own, I would probably like them as well. Besides, I’ll probably need an heir or two once I overthrow the governme–I mean. Kits. Yeah. Sure. Kits.”
46. What is some random affectionate thing that your character always does to their lover?
//While very... cuddly, he prefers to spoil his partner by showering them with gifts. Hauenkua, for all his many, many, MANY faults, is surprisingly generous.
