Headhouse Chronic ills

https://headhouse.carrd.co/ When I was a kid there was a program called Young Authors that first inspired me to want to draw. There was an artist that absolutely astounded me in what he was able to imagine with just a few lines. Chronic illness has taken its toll on me and unfortunately robbed me of a steady hand for many years. I'm still a little shaky, but thanks to some treatment the tremors have dissipated enough for me to be able to sketch again. I just want to share my little guys with the world. I do have character commissions on Ko-Fi and eventually, I hope to do some animal portraits. Products will slowly expand as well past stickers (mugs coming soon).

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Chester Cheeto Said Lay down

As I lay here trying to be ready for bed, my eyes are watering. I have waterfalls for tear ducts. I keep yawning, so they just keep pouring out. It won't stop, but my body is so air hungry from the day that I've had. Right now, my heart rate is at 92, which are some of the lowest numbers I have seen all day. This morning started out pretty well, but it didn't last very long. There was a catalyst though, and the catalyst was Cheetos. I should preface this by saying that it wasn't that I ate Cheetos. It was that I went and got Cheetos. Everything seemed to be fine, and then I took a flight upstairs to the vending machine, and that was where my first mistake was made. As I got back down to the 1st floor, I realized my heart was over 130, but I know that it's not super abnormal for going up and down stairs, so I gave it a couple minutes. After a few more minutes, I noticed it was going up rather than going down. I was just walking on the regular floor at this point, so I decided to walk to the breakroom. My heart rate reached 138 and I sat down on a bench for a couple minutes. I had rested long enough that I could get it below 120 and continue my way to the breakroom. The truth is, I should have just laid down on the bench. Once I was in there, I started pounding my electrolytes, and I put my feet up, but nothing seemed to be working. I could not get my heart rate under 110, and it was getting exhausting. Eventually, I just said, “No, I can't do this anymore.” I went home. Upon my arrival at home, I crawled into bed and proceeded to fall asleep for several hours. My heart rate has been all over the place. I'm already off to a much better start today as my current heart rate is only 81. When you have something like Dysautonomia, the unfortunate thing is that all signs point to going to the walk-in, urgent care or going to the emergency room, but that's just not feasible. If I went to the hospital every time that I had symptoms of a heart attack, I would be in the hospital every day. It just isn't practical and it isn't something that people think about if they aren't sick. Did I have chest pains all day yesterday? Yes. Was my heart working overtime all day yesterday? Also yes. So, I took a nap.  I think the craziest part is that on an average week at work, I probably walk between 20-30 miles. Please explain to me how getting a bag of Cheetos up a flight of stairs is going to be what takes me out. I guess next time I want something from the vending machine, I'm just going to take advantage of the fact that there is an elevator. Even though I do feel that I am able-bodied, obviously my body disagrees. You know what Chester says, “It ain’t easy being cheesy.” 

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Dogs Are Life

I've been using all my energy to draw. I keep messing up my time lapses though. So I have no proof of my process which makes me mad because I like to see it. Chronic illnesses are affecting our household differently this week. The weather has allowed too many episodes and my husband is not doing well for reasons that are also chronic. One constant throughout our lives is dogs, which is always nice. One of my shepherds is a very good therapy dog despite no formal training. He has a way with deep pressure therapy that really helps my PTSD. Normally he is in bed with me when I go to bed, but he must be hot because he's on the floor. This is also a good sign for me because it means that I don't need him as much as usual. Being surrounded by animals definitely makes me feel very comforted and causes me to heal in ways that humans cannot replicate. I find that most humans are generally very draining for my battery and don't actually make me feel much better. But I guess that comes with a social battery for some people. My social capacity is not there. People are so exhausting to me and make me feel like I need a 1000 naps. For someone who already deals with chronic fatigue, I really don't want to also need an actual nap. There are some things that I have to do in the yard this weekend. I'm hoping that I do not feel sick so that I can get them done. On top of that, I also have regular things to take care of like washing dishes and taking care of laundry. Basic household chores are anything but basic when you have a chronic illness or disability. What do you mean? It's easy for you to keep up on dishes? In this house we use a lot of paper plates. I know it's wasteful. Sometimes it's just safer this way than expecting dishes to be done before they grow things. I often wonder what it will be like when we are older and more frail. What does life look like for 2 traumatized AuDHD individuals who each won bingo multiple times in the chronic problems edition? Just today, I decided to try a new program for my art. The tools available to use are absolutely phenomenal and I can’t wait to learn this new program. I got so excited that I almost immediately put myself into a full episode. My watch registered that I had high stress because my heart rate jumped so much in excitement. These are the things that able-bodied people take for granted. Meanwhile my excitement exhausted me so much that I fear I may have to take a nap now so I can continue on.

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Chronic-ills

I just want to draw, but it's not that easy. If it were that easy, maybe I would be a famous artist by now, but I digress. Having a chronic illness is next level because one moment you're fine and the next moment you are fainting, and you can't keep your eyes open because of it. All I want to do is hold a stylus and draw. I can't even hold my eyes open. Is this syncope or is this fatigue? I slept horribly last night because I was in so much pain. My feet throbbed due to the pressure from the swelling, and my heart rate was not good. While I slept, my heart rate was 97 in a resting state. I proceeded to wake up and it felt like it was gonna be a decent day. I made sure to drink enough electrolytes, but apparently, today, it still was not enough. I was able to make it through the work day. It wasn't until physical therapy that I started feeling weak. I still have to drive home. Even now, as I edit this, it’s taken me an unrealistic amount of time to do because the chronic illness be chronic illnessing. I used to always tell the doctor that I felt best rested when I slept for about 6 hours. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's because after being in bed for 6 hours, I start to feel like I have been hit by a truck. Once the 6-hour mark hits, that's when my ribs start to enclose on themselves, and everything in my body starts shifting to where it doesn't belong. The price I pay for sleeping for 6 hours or more is that I can't breathe very well in the morning because my ribs aren't giving my lungs enough room. Normally, people combat this with a large pillow, something like a pregnancy pillow. But unfortunately, your girl sleeps on her back like she's in the morgue, so this isn't an option for me.  I think the craziest part is that I am now on medication for nerve pain, and it has helped me live my life exponentially better. But it also concerns me, because if this is the level of pain that I was experiencing before, how was I even alive? When you have chronic pain, at what point on the pain scale do you stop caring? Is it a 4 or is it a 6? Since that's your baseline, that means that anything below that is just non-existent? Because that's not right. The pain scale answer is supposed to be 0 all the time. I don't think I'll ever know that, even with meds. You make a new 0 on your scale when you have chronic pain. I guess just call me Regina George because, for feeling like I was hit by a bus, I'm still looking pretty good.

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The Sensory Fairy

When people hug you, you cringe. Physical touch causes you pain. The pressure. The repetitive rub. Now you hear the electricity of the light fixtures. Next thing you know, you spill potting soil inside your dishwasher.

Not only did you socialize extensively with family today, but now you have to clean up dirt, and then you spill even more dirt on the counter. The tears well up in your eyes. It feels like you're drowning in sounds and smells. Everything is intense. This is what an autistic meltdown looks like in an adult. It's always the small things that bring the iceberg to fruition. You would suspect the heavy socializing, visiting a store, or going out to eat would do it. It's usually things like one of your socks is at a different height, and the sensory fairy in your brain starts telling you to crash out. This is your body telling you something important. It's time to take a break. Even if you don't want to, even if it feels unnecessary. During that break, sit with that overwhelm and absorb it. Feel how it makes your body feel and let it pass. Remember that it's okay that you can't handle what a neurotypical can do on a daily basis. Your brain receptors run hot and grab way too much information. You have a good filter, but you need a ticket system inside that skull. Don't hate yourself for it.

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Purgatory

PTSD from SA

I know it feels impossible, but it can get better. I know it feels out of reach. I know it feels like you're drowning. It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to process what happened. It doesn't happen overnight. It can take years, and therapy generally isn't a free service. I'll also be honest and tell you that it actually can get worse, and it probably will before it improves. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though. It feels like you're never going to reach it, and then one day, you wake up a little lighter. You hear a trigger, and instead of freezing, life continues. Instead of a movie playing in your head, you see what's in front of you. It slowly loses its sensory hold on your body. You stop seeing it. You can even stop feeling it. It's still there. It's something you will always hold, unfortunately. I'm here to tell you, though, that it can become less debilitating. It can take up less space than it does right now. Sometimes, you have to think outside the box for a solution. I spent many months sleeping on the couch until 2AM, and then I would crawl into the actual bed. Was it annoying? Yes. Would I sleep the full night by doing this? Also, yes. I think doing this gave me the room to process. It allowed my brain to rest enough to manage. We can train our brain to hold the memory a little differently so we can still live our lives happily. I've had things happen to me in my sleep that no one should endure awake. Losing consent in any capacity is difficult. I've had the displeasure of this experience in many ways. Waking up to learn you didn't even get a chance to say no is a different kind of limbo. And when it happens more than once, it feels like the purgatory it brings is permanent. You are not broken. You are not damaged. And you can heal with time. It isn't your fault your brain connected wires that shouldn't ever get the chance to cross paths. You didn't sign up to be a brain electrician, but you probably know that we don't always get to choose.