Trust is a slippery concept, and it's even more slippery when you've grown up around people that regularly hurt or betrayed you (sometimes out of true necessity; a toddler isn't going to feel non-betrayed when their parents poke them with needles regardless of whether they know that it's medically necessary). We didn't really understand how to trust people until very recently, and it's still an ongoing process for us to learn what trust means.
For fellow "do I even know what trust is, let alone how to feel it?" people, the actual, formal definition of "trust" is
"Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something."
In other words, you know what someone is like and can rely on them to act a certain way. You can look away and have a reasonable amount of confidence that things will turn out a certain way. In context of a system, that can mean letting go and allowing others to run the ship for a little if they'd like to (because you know they won't burn the house down), believing someone when they say they need something or will get something done, and working together as a team because you know it'll be okay if you're not the sole person in control of your life.
We haven't trusted each other for most of our existence. Sure, we'd say that we trusted someone to do something, but then we'd act as though we expected them not to follow through. If you didn't put yourself first, then no one else was going to look out for you.
Every creature for themselves! Sabotage! Steal! Lie and betray! Do whatever you have to do to survive, even if it means strangling everyone else to get what you need!
This didn't do much to inspire actual trust between us.
Your relationship with the rest of your system doesn't have to be a chain of constant betrayals and injuries. Trust is a skill, and you can learn it at any time. The first step is to admit that you don't trust each other as much as you wish you could. The second step is to try.
Find patience for each other where you can, be honest about your needs, be vulnerable sometimes, and listen to your system when they ask you to stop or need you to do something. Listening to each other and respecting each other's needs and limits can make a huge difference in how much you trust each other, especially in the long term.
Image ID in alt text and below the cut.
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A comic titled, "Do you trust me?"
For years, we used to lie and say "of course!"
"Yes," says Echo, who doesn't really "get" trust and is stuck in "care about nothing and you'll never get hurt" mode.
"Why wouldn't I?" says Gwen, who hasn't unpacked her parentification yet.
"I guess I have to," says Red, who still remembers what it was like to be rejected by everyone else.
"Then why won't you listen to me?" asks Blue.
"Because we don't actually trust anyone, let alone you!"
Only one of us was honest from the start. Hawthorne said "no" in vibes and gestures. Being trampled over and completely ignored for years (even unknowingly) doesn't make a person want to trust you. Because Hawthorne barely knew us and had no peace to keep, they had no reason to lie.
If you lie about trust, then you won't know where you stand, and you won't find out why the distrust exists so you can make changes.
"Wait, we can say no?" asks Blue. "Ok, wow then, honestly I don't think I actually trust any of you and maybe that's a problem."
It turns out that it's easier to build trust if everyone is honest.
you’re not hopeless you’re just really really tired and in desperate need of a break and im shaking you by the shoulders and telling you that all is not hopeless but you do need to rest
dead serious normalize having an average boring ass life where you have enough to meet your needs we do not need to be remarkable we just need to be alive
Please take a look at this illustration by jthm, which my dear friend created especially for our November event. The quality is amazing. I’ll be selling it as a postcard.
I feel like . A lot of Being Autistic is giving people way too much benefit of the doubt cause you're trying not to have a social anxiety paranoia doom spiral but sometimes they really and truly just are treating you like that & you have to be the crazy one & be like I know you're fucking lying to me
Like oh yeah no it's not that I didn't notice. I've just been ignoring it. Yknow. Which somehow feels worse and stupider than if I really didn't know any better
I used to work with a woman who was extremely nasty-mean to me for absolutely no reason at all. She was generally unpleasant to everyone, but it was obvious to me (and to another coworker) that she had something very pointed against me in particular and made it no secret. It got so bad that I made several official complaints, and my supervisor said, "that's just how she talks to everyone. She's super blunt, but she doesn't mean it! Maybe you're just misunderstanding her tone because you're Autistic?"
Later during my 6-month employee review, the same supervisor said, "sometimes when you correct people, you can come on a little too strong and intimidate or offend people."
We went over the specific instances he was referring to, and I said, "I don't think I was unfair or too harsh in any of those situations. I think I was just straightforward for clarity."
He said, "maybe you don't realize your tone is too harsh because you're Autistic?"
So there it is.
If someone's very obviously singling you out to be outright cruel and unfair, you must give them the benefit of the doubt, because you're Autistic and cannot understand.
If you're being straightforward and normal, but someone thinks you're being unfair, you do not get the benefit of the doubt, because you're Autistic and cannot understand.
And when you point this out to allistic people, either they don't believe you, do not care, or do not try to understand.
That's it, Chap. Put that monocle and top-hat on. You don't need to think anymore, you're a proper Gentlemanly Chap now. Yes, drink your tea.. Now get in the fantastical steampunk flying machine..
its always "what are your plans for the future, you should really be planning for the future" and never "wow that character you're obsessed with sounds so cool can you explain them to me. im sure you get them more than anyone else"
imagine your neighborhood had a Notorious Van because the art airbrushed on it isnt like a cool lightning wizard or unicorn or whatever, but instead a bunch of dicks. everyone knows the van with the penises. and the person who owns and drives it is this lesbian who knooows her cars the talk of the town and loves it. and you know Of her but now, at this random house party, you get introduced to her for the first time and ur like ohhhh THATS the dick van dyke
"came back wrong" is SUCH a good explanation of what being an introject feels like to me. i came back wrong. i am this person but its not Right. im not being me right and everyone knows it. i dont look or sound or act like myself anymore and i dont know if its because everyone grows and changes, or if its because of this wrongness in me. everyone says its not there, and i dont know if i can believe them. i say my name, i dont know if i can trust the people who recognize it. everyone wants something from me, wants me to be someone i am not, yet still am. if i say i am not that person i am treated like a liar for even having their face, and if i say i am i will never be doing it right. you see??
titsay
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
jbbartram-illu
germansingergirl
kaledo-art
