Gay Reading Nerd

I mean really das all I am

[silver-wields-a-pen]

Character Building: Smut Edition

75 smut filled character building questions.

How old were you when you went on your first date? 

Who was your idol when you were growing up? Who did you first fantasize about in your life? 

Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or other?

Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?

Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it happen? What was it like? How well did it go?

Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go?

What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it?

What was the wildest thing you’ve ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen?

Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it?

Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do?

What is more important - sex or intimacy? Why?

What was your most recent relationship like? Who was it with? (Does not need to be sexual, merely romantic.)

What’s the worst thing you’ve done to someone you loved?

What’s the part of a partner’s body you like the most?

Out of everything you’ve ever done during sex, what was your favorite? 

Ever wake up in the morning next to someone you instantly regretted sleeping with?

Has anyone ever accidentally seen you naked?

Do you have any unfulfilled sexual desires or fantasies?

What don’t you regret that you probably should?

What kind of birth control do you use? Have you ever got a std from a previous partner?

Which is more important to you – boobs or butt? 

Have you ever skinny dipped?

What’s the most erotic thing your significant other does?

After being intimate are you a sleeper or ready for more?

What turns you on almost instantly? 

Would you rather have sex with the lights on, or the lights off? 

Would you rather give oral sex, or receive it? 

Would you rather be on top, or underneath? 

What’s your idea of good foreplay?

Are there any limits you won’t go past?

What’s your nastiest, most x-rated fantasy? 

What’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever done with someone? 

Have you tried anal? Would you?

Have you tried bondage? Would you?

Have you used food in sex play?

Have you ever used sex aids in bed? Would you use them with your current partner? Which ones?

Would you rather have sex with your other half’s best friend or your best friend?

Would you rather have sex with just 1 person watching, or would you rather have sex with 50 people watching?

Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner?

Would you rather kiss your boss or your significant other kiss them?

Would you rather pursue a life where you could only ever have sex with one partner in the same position in the same bedroom or have sex with a completely different person every time?

Have you gone a whole day without wearing underwear?

How old were you when you lost your virginity?

Where is the strangest place you’ve been intimate?

You and your significant other are up late, what are you doing?

What’s one thing you do with your significant other that you could never give up?

What’s your favourite sexual fantasy?

When was the last time your significant other was in one of your dreams? 

Would you rather make out with someone else or watch your significant other make out with someone else?

What time of the day are you more interested in having sex: morning, afternoon, evening, night?

Have you ever had sex in a public place

Would you rather sleep with someone much older than you, or simply never have sex during your entire life time?

Would you rather be a virgin until you are 40 and subsequently have the most amazing sexual partners of a lifetime, or would you rather have the most amazing sexual partners until you’re 40 and then never have sex again?

Would you rather remain a virgin until marriage and have a spectacular sexual partner or remain unmarried for the rest of your life and have a ton of great sexual partners who never love or commit to you? 

Would you rather only ever have sex in bed or only ever have sex outside the bedroom?

Would you rather have sex in the kitchen or living room?

Do you check out your significant other when they walk away?

Do you think you’re a good kisser?

What’s your favourite sexual position and why?

What is it about a person that sexually attracts you?

What’s your darkest sexual fantasy?

How many orgasms have you had in one session? How many sessions have you had in one day?

Are you noisy in bed?

Do you think virginity is something to be respected, or do you think it’s a nuisance?

What’s the longest amount of time you have been abstinent?

If you were with a person who decided to wait until after marriage to have sex how would you deal with sexual frustration?

What is your approach to seducing your significant other?

Have you had angry sex (with your significant other or another partner), was it good?

Are you a greedy lover? In what way?

Do you ever pleasure your lover without satisfying yourself too?

What’s the best part of oral sex with your significant other?

Have you used food in sex play?

Have you ever had drunken sex?

When was your first kiss under the mistletoe?

What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?

[unpretty]

tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results. popular youtube compilations include the one where they’re at denny’s at two in the morning and tim keeps trying to get bruce to order a moon over my hammy just so he’ll have to say it, the one where they’re at disneyworld and bruce gets increasingly frazzled culminating in him actually physically picking up gaston for reasons no one can entirely recall, and everyone’s favorite series “bruce wayne doesn’t understand walmart”

[unpretty]

having thought about it the best part is probably when a pranking fails because bruce has such a bizarre patchwork of knowledge/skills and it does not occur to him to hide most of it. tim puts a ghost pepper in bruce’s food but bruce just eats it like nothing is wrong. the same thing happens with the chocolate-covered crickets. it turns out bruce can lick his own elbow. bruce can lasso a runaway robot lawnmower like it’s a calf at a rodeo. whenever tim expresses shock that bruce knows how to do something he says “i did go to college, tim” as if that explains anything and it becomes a meme. whenever anyone does something fucking absurd it just gets tagged “i did go to college, tim”.

[unpretty]

The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.

The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]

“Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.”

“Ask Alfred.”

→→→

“It’s a surprise for Alfred.”

“You can’t surprise Alfred.”

“Bruce, please.”

→→→

“It’s not a matter of permission, I’m saying you literally can’t surprise Alfred.”

→→→

[he hates when i say that]

“Bruuuuce.”

“No.”

“This is bullroar.”

Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.

→→→

[oh no now we’ll be here all day]

“—either curse or don’t, just commit one way or the other instead of—”

→→→

The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.

“Can I drive?”

“No.”

→→→

[after this he took away my music privileges]

Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, “Sandstorm” by Darude.

→→→

“I’ll play something different this time.”

“You had your chance and you blew it on a meme.”

→→→

[SJGJDH;FUKC 😂😂😂]

“I’m boooored.”

“Hi, bored,” Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. “I don’t give a shit.”

The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.

→→→

The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. “Can I get a trampoline?” he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.

“We have three trampolines.”

“But I want that one.”

→→→

They were in the chip aisle. “Have you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?”

“I am a person. I eat food for people.”

→→→

The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.

“We’re not getting those.”

“We need to get sour cream, too.”

“No.”

“You’ll love it.”

“No.”

→→→

Tim had put the seatbelt of the cart’s seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.

“I thought you were getting something for Alfred.”

“I’m getting groceries while we’re here.”

“None of this is food.”

→→→

[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]

Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.

“—costs extra to not waste food?”

“It’s Walmart.”

“Even taking into account the economies of scale—”

→→→

[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]

“—it just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they don’t go bankrupt in the—”

→→→

[i think he’s buying a pickle company??]

Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.

→→→

[lmao he did]

Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.

“—the business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if you—”

→→→

Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.

“Absolutely not.”

→→→

Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.

“I bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.”

“Your lies demean us both, Tim.”

→→→

Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.”

“Then why are you acting confused?”

“Why does Thomas the Tank Engine—”

→→→

[🌈🌈🌈]

Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.

“—disturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.”

“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “What about the gay babies?”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking but I’m unironically concerned.”

→→→

[gotham pride]

The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.

“Who you texting it to?”

“Friend in Metropolis.”

“Metropolis sucks.”

“Yes. Yes it does.”

→→→

[no escape]

The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.

→→→

[???]

Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.

→→→

[i’ll strike while he’s distracted]

Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile he’d already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.

→→→

[busted]

While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.

→→→

[he’s gonna get a fish]

Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, “These fish are very unhealthy.”

→→→

[HE’S BUYING ALL THE FISH]

The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.

“We’re here to save you,” Tim stage-whispered to it.

→→→

Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.

“—if I bought some tanks — they’re much too small but as a temporary measure — we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.”

“Maybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?” one young man suggested.

→→→

The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.

“—for trying to unionize is completely against the law,” Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.

“At-will employment,” one woman said.

“We’d have to prove that was why they fired us,” someone clarified. “Otherwise they can say it was for no reason.”

“You’re shitting me.”

→→→

“—fucking with my hours hoping I’ll quit.”

“What? Why?”

“If they fired me, they’d have to pay unemployment.”

“That’s why they won’t let me work full-time.”

“What the fuck.”

→→→

[omg he’s stealing the employees now]

“—in Gotham, but there’s more opportunities outside of manufacturing if you’re willing to move.”

“Wait, so do you mean like for management?”

“No, no, that’s the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. We’re all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.”

“So if I—”

→→→

The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.

“You painted this?” Bruce asked. She nodded. “That’s fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery — actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend who’d really love this, if you don’t mind me making some calls for you.”

→→→

Four more employees had joined the menagerie.

“—almost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.” Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. “Employee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.”

→→→

[trying to crush the revolution]

The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.

→→→

[THEY CALLED THE COPS]

Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.

“The manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldn’t stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.”

→→→

[WE’RE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]

Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.

→→→

Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.

“They’re small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? I’m not suggesting you already know them, I’m well aware you don’t personally know every single fish—”

→→→

“Either you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesn’t matter where I found them.”

→→→

[i’m not allowed near toxic waste]

Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruce’s face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.

“I’m keeping this one,” Tim said.

“Fine.”

“If I drop him in toxic waste do you think he’ll get powers?”

“We’ve already had this discussion.”

→→→

[the pettiest man in gotham]

Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.

“Yeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Market’s doing good, we’ll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while it’s under construction? A really big billboard.”

→→→

“First of all, if it’s in writing, it’s libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders aren’t defamatory. What’s the most they could even sue me for? See, that’s nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it's—”

→→→

Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruce’s face would be in the shot. “Bruce, look! You’re a pretty pretty princess!”

Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. “I’m always a pretty princess,” he said seriously.

→→→

[he picked the music this time]

Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasn’t any irony.

→→→

[i named him wally]

The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.

[soundssimpleright]

The Aquaman reference clinched it for me.

[optimysticals]

This is one of the best things I’ve read in ages.

[wackd-archive]

Please put unpretty in charge of all Batman fiction forever

[itswalky]

I was wasting everyone’s time doing Shortpacked! Batman jokes.  Unpretty is the real deal.

[covington-shenanigans]

commissioned this from @theshitpostcalligrapher​ last year for my best friend’s birthday because we may or may not have spent the first part of the pandemic obsessively reading through @unpretty​‘s entire DC oeuvre at AO3

[redsray]

Bruce being a dad in the “basically adopts his childrens’ significant others” way.

Like, whether intentionally or not, he’ll find himself looking out for those kids that aren’t his, not quite, but they’re close enough.

Bruce, going up to Wally after a JL mission: Are you alright? No injuries?

Wally, unharmed and confused: Um. Yeah?

Bruce, nodding: Good.

Wally, had been expecting a stern ‘report’: Yep.

Bruce: Debrief first, then we’re going home.

Wally: ‘Home’???

Wally: I mean um. Sure.

Bruce, picking up Jason’s ringing phone while his son is in the kitchen: Hello?

Roy: Hey—! You’re not Jaybird.

Bruce: No.

Roy: Bruce. Why do you have Jay’s phone?

Bruce: Jason is in the kitchen. I can bring the phone to him, but I doubt he’ll appreciate being distracted.

Roy, sighing: Yeah, he can be a real snob with cookin’.

Bruce, humming: Anything I can help you with, Roy?

Roy: Uh. Tell ya what, yeah, actually. I need some files from Jay about a drug ring he was following up on, they might be infiltrating underground gangs here in Star.

Bruce: I can help. If you’re organising a bust, is Lian being taken care of?

Roy: Yeah, I already asked Kori to mind her.

Bruce, satisfied: Perfect. She’s welcome to bring her to the Manor.

Roy, slightly suspicious of the goodwill but won’t complain: I’ll pass it on.

Bruce: Clark.

Clark: B! Nice to see you. How’s your day been?

Bruce: Good enough. How’s Conner?

Clark, frowning: Fine, last I checked. He hasn’t been at the farm in a while, but I saw him a few days ago.

Bruce: Hn. You might want to check in on him.

Clark: Is he alright?

Bruce: Physically, yes. He seems to be stressing an abnormal amount, though. Returning to parents’ farm might be beneficial for him.

Clark: He’s not the type to stress for too long.

Bruce: No.

Clark: I’ll check on him, I’m sure Ma and Pa miss him. Thanks, B.

Bruce: Just go.

Bruce checks his phone a few hours later to see a text message from Tim reading ‘i know you did something. thx, b’.

Bruce: You’re welcome to stay the night, Jon. It’s late.

Jon: Huh? Oh, no, it’s fine Mr. Wayne. I can just fly back. My parents will be expecting me.

Bruce: No need, I have already informed Clark that you’re staying.

Jon: ???

Bruce: Dinner will be ready in 10.

Jon: ?????

Bruce: Damian is waiting in the dining room. Have a nice evening.

Jon: Thank you…???

[dunmertitty]

texas is funny. this one time a guy(in his truck) yelled at me(outside)(in summer) for wearing a cowboy hat(to provide shade)(while working)(in the sun) while i was working in the garden (in summer)(in texas)(on a sunny day)

sorry i’m a #FakeCowboy for wearing a cowboy hat(in the summer)(in the sun)(while working)(in a garden) instead of wearing my cowboy hat(meant for working)(in the sun) while driving a truck(air-conditioned) like a #RealCowboy who does Manly Work (with his truck)(spotless)(unblemished)(with AC)

[dunmertitty]

does someone have this post. i need to see it again

[kuromi-hoemie]

[animentality]

[orbitalmirror]

reblog if you're an actual person IRL who gets genuinely upset if you catch someone using ChatGPT and view it as a serious moral failing

[ciricearts]

thanks for tagging me to do this hehehe <3

[hecates-favorite-child]

I am of the firm belief that if a lot more men became acquainted with their prostate the world would be a vastly better place

[lokutofu]

Happy Birthday photocard! 🥳💖

[spaceyjules-deactivated20180305]

If you call pedophilia a kink please unfollow me and never talk to me again

[spaceyjules-deactivated20180305]

Isn’t it disgusting that 23 people just unfollowed me

[clarknokent]

Unfollow me too

[gothhabiba]

this goes double if you call paedophilia a disability. unfollow me twice

[closet-keys]

and if you call pedophilia an “orientation” or in any way compare it to being LGBP+ you can unfollow, delete your blog, and set yourself on fire. 

[peachypastel]

I just lost 50 followers.. bye

[katiemcgrxth]

clearing out the trash

[bway-grimes]

GO ON AND S M A S H THAT UNFOLLOW BUTTON

[moonedknights]

BUHBYE U McNASTIES

[bogleech]

I’ve seen this circulating forever and genuinely thought “no way do I have any of them following me” until this week when it turned out I had all these fuckin “MAP” (pedophile) followers sad to find out I’m an “anti” (normal person) Please leave and also please get guinea worm.

[flerpdederp]

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY BLOG

[bunchofdoodlesinspace]

I reblogged something similar to this a while ago but again:

if you support pedophilia,

kindly get the fuck off of my blog.

Thanks.

[princet-ofthe-rivers]

I reblog these regularly.

STAY OFF MY BLOOOOOOG

[littlebabiebear]

Shoo fly, don’t bother me👋🏾

[fragilelikeabomb0106]

Pedophilia is not welcome in the LGBTQ+ community nor are MAPs or pedophilia apologizers welcome on any of my blogs. If you support pedophilia, unfollow me. My blog is a safe space but I will not tolerate the sexualization of children.

[tf2-headcanons-and-scenarios]

I’m reblogging this here because I want this blog to be a safe space for people to enjoy.

Anyone who supports pedophilia or is a pedophile in any way, shape or form REGARDLESS OF ANY REASONS/EXCUSES, please kindly get the fuck away from this blog, just unfollow me straight away. I do not tolerate your kind here, and you should be ashamed of trying to justify the sexualisation of children even for a S E C O N D.

Also just to clarify this one specific point: Pedophilia and pedophiles are NOT AND WILL NEVER BE IN OR ASSOCIATED WITH THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY

Edit: Before I forget, if any of you are in any way, shape or form, a pedophile, turn yourself in at your nearest police station because you don’t deserve to roam free on the streets.

[lostmarblehornets]

I may have just started this blog but this will not STAND

Seriously though, if you think you are welcomed on this blog, you’re not. Sorry, but you make me feel unsafe so..

[wandershot2]

GTFO OF MY BLOG IF YOU DO!

[awkwardemodnptrashofasgard]

I just can’t scroll pass without reblogging!! IF YOU SUPPORT PEDOPHILES/PEDOPHILIA OR IS A PEDOPHILE PLEASE GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY BLOG!!!!!!!!

[liongrl321]

PEDOPHILES BE FUCKING GONE

LIKE, GET THE FCK OUT

YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE

[notthesodaa]

GO EW GET AWAY

[a-rather-large-group-of-fags-de]

It’s not a fucking mental illness either

Idk man, call me ignorant if you want, but I stand by my statement

[anxiousposting]

I’m reblogging on all my blogs

[kennymccormick-offical]

theres no way people actually believe that right

[weirdly-gay-potion-maker]

…

I

If I lose any followers

[ho-ho-homosxual]

PLEASE FOR STARS SAKE GET OUT IF YOU SUPPORT THAT SHIT

[stories-i-guess]

To all those about to unfollow me as you should

I want you to openly admit it

send me an ask

tell me that you’re doing it

feel free to insult me even

but I want you to show your face.

Or at least, the closest thing to it on this website. Your blog name.

That way we’ll all know just who and what you are.

[menace2mysleep]

please leave my blog if you’re a pedophile or anything that is viewed negatively by the majority of the populace like racism, sexism, being homophobic, or anything else along those lines

thank you and goodbye

[fortunate-cookie]

Constantine’s apprentice

“Whose sidekick is this?” Barry asks.

Everyone in the watchtower turns to look at the skinny, black-haired teenager sitting patiently in the corner. He’s got big round blue eyes, and smiles and waves at the heroes when they look at him. He would be perfect bat-bait if he weren’t also the picture of innocence.

(Every Robin in existence has had an unmistakable aura of menace around them.)

That wide-eyed innocence is precisely why it’s such a surprise when the kid answers “I’m here with John Constantine”

“John Constantine?” Zattana asks, bewildered and worried all at once. She knows better than most how it feels to be burned by Constantine, and is instantly angry on the kid’s behalf.

“Someone call?” The man himself asks, as he steps into the room, bag of chips in hand.

“Why do you have an apprentice?” Zattana demands, accusatory.

John tsks and frowns, directing his next words towards the teen in question, “I told you no, kid.” Then he turns back to Zattana and the room at large, and says, “I’m dropping this kid off here. He’s being hunted by the US feds. Hole in the meta human rights bill. He is not,” John’s eyes slide back over to the kid, “my apprentice.”

The kid (and someone should really ask his name, sooner or later) frowns and crosses his arms. Now he looks more like a Robin.

“And why not?” He whines. “You’ve been teaching me just fine so far. I haven’t even been that annoying!”

“Son, no,” Hal Jordan speaks up from the back. “You’re lucky to have made it this far, you don’t want to spend any more time in Constantine’s company than necessary.”

Zattana nods and says, “he’s got a habit of sacrificing others. It’s usually for the greater good, but still… you don’t want to be the nearest convenient sacrifice.”

“Really feeling the love in here.” John mutters.

“Well… it’s true, isn’t it?” Dick shrugs apologetically.

“Not to mention you’re just a bad role model in general.” Hal tacks on with a shit-eating grin.

“Is that all?” The kid asks.

“Do you… need more?” Dick asks. “Betrayal in a life-or-death situation isn’t a small thing, kiddo.”

The kid (and really, someone needs to ask his name. And also get the report on that hole in the meta rights) just looks at John with a supremely unimpressed expression. “Y’know I haven’t been relying on you for my safety this whole time, right? We were always safe, I just stuck with you to learn magic.”

“Danny, what the hell,” John says.

Ah, so the increasingly-more-Robin-like kid’s name was Danny. Good to know.

Danny shrugs, and says with a smug smile, “the night before we left Amity Park, I contacted an omniscient time-god from another dimension and blackmailed them into giving me forewarning for any dangerous situations I might get into. I think the specific wording was ‘enough forewarning to be able to escape any situation resulting in my death, capture, torture, loss of powers, or sanity.’”

The watchtower is completely silent for a count of three.

Then Dick snorts.

“Did… did John Constantine get conned?” Barry asks with glee.

“God I hope so…” Zattana breathes.

“I really appreciate you taking me this whole way, though.” Danny says to John. “I definitely want to get a few autographs.” He says with an innocent smile.

It’s at this moment that it sinks in for the whole room that a kid tricked John Constantine into traipsing across some portion of America with him for no reason.

Hal doubles over laughing.

“You’ve been blackmailing a god this whole time?” John checks, face blank.

“Uh huh,”

“You were able to trick an omniscient being, and now have struck a deal for divine intervention any time you’re in danger?”

“Yup,” Danny pops the ‘p’

“You’ve been wheedling magic lessons out of me for weeks with the full knowledge that my only reason for sticking around — to safely get you to the watchtower — was a complete waste of my time because you are effectively safe for the rest of your life in every situation forever?”

“Uh, yes? To be clear, Clockwork won’t intervene in situations where I can handle it myself. But if I’m ever in over my head, then they’ll show me a solution.”

The room is filled with poorly concealed grins, and not-at-all concealed appraising looks. After a long moment, John finally throws his hands up in the air.

“Fine!” He says, exasperated. “I guess you’re my apprentice!”

[snowypebbles]

The perfect way to get Clockwork to help without the Observants coming down on their heads. Clockwork can just go: But you said to keep Dan contained???

[heist-family-content]

This is long enough to be a fic, but oh weeeeell.

As with many other Wayne family traditions, it all started because Bruce was sleep deprived and a little delirious. He had just adopted Dick not even a year ago, but they had their routines. On patrol, Bruce could tell when the boy was lagging behind just a little bit more than usual and sitting down, bereft of cartwheels, on every rooftop. He recognised the signs that Dick would not, in fact, be walking back to the Batcave after this and he would need to be carried.

So Bruce took his sleepy little robin home in his arms, helped him change out of his costume, and tucked him into bed. But Jesus, Bruce was sleepy, too. He'd been up for maybe four days, and all he could really process was that Dick looked so peaceful and happy, worming into three layers of thick blanket after a long night, and he pressed the softest, sleepiest goodnight kiss into his son's head before dragging himself to bed.

Every night after that, Dick simply would not go to sleep without a goodnight kiss. The boy would be half unconscious, for christs sake, but his little hands could grip Bruce's sleeve like a vice. Bruce pretended to think it was a little ridiculous, but what was he going to do? Watch Dick lose vital rest so he could save his grumpy reputation? To this day, sometimes Dick will shamble into the batcave, half dead to the world, and sleepily whine until he gets a kiss and a pat on the head.

Jason has ridiculed them about this endlessly, but the joke is on him, because all robins forever are doomed to love Mom Bruce Kisses.

Kid Jason had been different. He didn't want a kiss every night before bed- that was for babies! But one day, Jason shuffled into the living room and flopped down on the couch so hard that Alfred raised a brow. Bruce, sitting next to him, stared pointedly until Jason huffed.

"I had a bad day," he said. Bruce nodded and was about to ask Alfred to bring in some ice cream, but Jason stopped him.

"No, it's fine, I'm fine. I just..." He huffed again, not having the words to say exactly what he needed. Bruce watched his son evenly, but his heart ached to soothe him, and not quite having any better ideas, he pressed the lightest kiss on Jason's cheek and smoothed back his messy hair. "It's okay to have bad days," he hummed gently. Jason didn't say anything at first, but he eventually lay his head down on Bruce's knee and took a nap, so Bruce assumed Jason didn't hate it. So "goodnight kisses" are Dick's thing and "bad day" kisses are Jason's thing. Noted.

And then came Tim. Tim, who was always working himself so hard, who stayed up almost as late as Bruce and functioned almost as well without sleep, so that Bruce could barely tell how little rest his boy was getting. Tim, who was always worried that he wasn't doing enough, that his intel wasn't good enough, that he wasn't earning Bruce's love, trust, and respect.

Bruce was really hard pressed to figure out what Tim needed. He was beginning to learn that all children really were fundamentally different, and in the early days, he was worried as hell. He had pushed Jason and lost him. What could he do to keep Tim from being pushed? From being hurt or worse?

One night, he found himself standing beside Tim, who was working tirelessly at the Bat Computer. Tim was explaining something, but Bruce was just staring at him. Tim looked up at him and instantly began to feel nervous. Was he in trouble? Had he done something wrong? Why was Bruce staring so angrily at him-

Tim blinked as Bruce gave his hair a quick kiss. "Good job," Bruce hums simply, focus returning to the computer screen. "I'm proud of you."

So Tim gets "good job" kisses, now. Alfred might have to start making a chart.

Damian doesn't necessarily like kisses, at least, that's how he acts. But Bruce notices the silent, stoic anxiety that radiates off of Damian when his father or one of his siblings gets badly hurt. Even if Alfred gets a papercut, Damian insists that he must inspect it for himself, and while he remains stern and blunt, he fusses over how "unacceptable" it is. In general, Damian refuses to be consoled or coddled, but Bruce notices.

And then Bruce almost died after being blindsided by a joint Bane-Deathstroke ambush, and Damian literally wouldn't leave his bedside unless it was to wreak vengeance. He pestered Alfred every ten minutes about changing bandages and wouldn't eat anything unless Dick coaxed him into it. Bruce allowed it because Damian does what he wants, and he couldn't pretend to not appreciate it.

Eventually, Bruce could sit up without wincing. He looked down at his youngest son, who had fallen asleep on the edge of Bruce's bed. Bruce gently woke him up for school, but Damian waved him away. Bruce huffed, a mix of reluctance and deep affection in his chest. He gently pulled the covers over the boy and gave his little hand a small kiss. The "it's going to be okay" kiss is the only one Damian will accept without complaint.

[haveihitanerve]

Bruce always had trouble raising his voice at people. 

He had the words, all of them, his vocabulary was long and large and educated. But the words would get twisted up inside, curling and knotting in his throat until he could barely breathe, until he had to run, run far away, and let the words out in different ways. Usually through tears. 

Until he adopted a little eight year old orphan. 

Dick was everything Bruce wasn't. Loud and fun and rambunctious, he always knew what to say and how to say it. He always had the words. But sometimes those words got him in trouble. 

Bruce’s heart was beating a mile a minute when he got the call from the school. 

“Is Dick hurt? Is he alright?” He demanded, but the lady at the front desk merely ordered him to Dick’s classroom. 

His son was sitting on the floor, completely at ease, unharmed, but there was a tightness to his shoulders, a shadow in his eyes. 

Bruce knelt before his son, completely ignoring the teacher. 

“What happened?” He asked quietly, brushing Dick’s hair from his face. 

“I got angry.” Dick whispered, hands twisting in his lap. “She was saying things about my Mom, and Dad.” Dick’s voice was shaking. Bruce looked at the teacher. 

She smiled pleasantly, shaking her head. “No, Mr. Wayne, I was merely discussing with the children the intricacies of lower class versus upper class, and how some acts done by upper classmen are viewed as charity work and shouldn’t be taken seriously-” 

Bruce was standing before he knew what was going on. 

And that was the day he learned how to raise his voice. 

[nasa-official]

if this gets 100,000 notes then i, the worlds greatest space agency will personally shoot donald trump into the sun

[nasa-official]

200,000 notes to also shoot the republican party leaders who don’t want to fund science into the sun

[nasa-official]

i am asking once again to help me get donald trump to the sun

[sonrium]

One Bad Day? Now That's Actually Funny DPxDC

TW: mild gore

It was a typical 'Joker escapes and captures a bunch of people to torture them into insanity to become just like him' routine, but that didn't make it any less heinous because it was routine. When the broadcast came on like so many others, the Gothamites were ready to turn away and hope the Bats got there before too many were lost to the clown's twisted games.

Except one of the captives wasn't following the standard script. The mouthy ones usually shut up quickly, but this one kept going. Every time the Joker thought he'd made his point and went to pick out a new plaything, the boy would fire off another insult or taunt, anything and everything from questioning the Joker's clown credentials to weaponizing the color wheel. This Wayne adoption bait stooped to every extreme, nothing was off the table.

Seeing the Joker lose a little more control each time would have been hilarious if it wasn't so terrifying. But it worked. The Joker was too fixated on the boy to care about the rest.

"Everyone is just one bad day from becoming me."

The kid stilled as if he finally remembered to feel fear, then he threw his head back and howled with laughter through bloody teeth and broken bones. "One bad day? Now that is actually funny." Tears of mirth left clean stripes down his bloody face.

Tired of the comedy sketch, Joker decided he'd had enough of being upstaged. "Gas him."

A mask with a canister of Joker Venom was forced onto the boy's face by the masked goons that had been beating him. He cackled as the boy coughed in lungfuls of his latest mixture. It was a bit early to pull the big guns. Batman was always so broody and boring when one of the toys died before he got there, but c'est la vie.

He turned to the camera continued his show with the kid as a cautionary tale. Until he was interrupted yet again.

"Woooooow. Talk about a cop out. You need drugs to make people laugh at your jokes? That's just sad." It came out breathless and labored as the kid shook his head in mock sympathy.

"Oh how interesting. I'll guess there are a few more kinks in the formula I need to work out."

"Nope, I'm seeing some wild shit like no tomorrow, but after the incomprehensible horror of the afterlife and Dash's gym locker? This is a relaxing spa day. AKA: booooooooring. FYI, sharing your kinks with a minor is very frowned upon in our society. You should read up on your local laws." The strain in his voice was evident, but still no laughter came out.

An eerie calm settled over the Joker, before his grin returned with a vengeance. "I was going to save this for the finale, but our very special guest has volunteered to go first." He whipped a curtain off a clear person sized tank attached to hoses and canisters. "This will take but a moment, so hold on folks. This will be quite the show."

The Joker dragged the limp boy toward the tank.

Colors danced in Danny's vision, but he had a lot of practice separating reality from the lies.

He hated clowns on a good day, and this was not a good day, and Crayola face was the same kind of scum as Freakshow. He didn't need his powers to make his point.

Seeing his moment, Danny twisted and caught the edge of the curtain with his foot. He kicked it over the Joker's head and bucked out of his grasp. His hands slick from blood slid easily out of the ropes.

Now free, he ripped the mask off with a gagging sound. "You should know better than to brake someone's thumbs. Makes it easy to slip out of bonds, you know?"

In moments, Danny had the clown's face rammed against the tank's wall with one hand on the back of his neck. The other wrapped around the bastard's wrists, lifting them painfully upward.

Danny ignored the grinding of his finger bones. "You're right. Everyone is a lot closer to becoming you than anyone wants to admit. But there's something that you are too weak to understand. At the end of the day, it's always a choice. You choose to spread violence and destruction."

Making sure his back was too the camera, Danny released his hold on his facial muscles, allowing the manic grin of insanity on full display. The echo of his future evil self that he kept locked away rising to the surface for just a moment. The single eye looking back at him widened. Lifting to his tip toes to reach the coward's ear, Danny leaned in close and whispered coldly, "As for me, I balance on that knife's edge every Ancients forsaken day. And you should be very, very glad I choose not to." He let a little echo and a hint of the infinite leak into his tone, as a treat.

Danny pressed on a vein on the bastard's neck until he crumpled to the floor unconscious.

Danny swayed then doubled over to dry heave and spit. "Uuuuuuugh, I'm gonna be sick. That stuff tastes worse than Dash's underwear."

Of course, that's when the Bats bust through the skylight.

[ellerial]

Danny steps through the portal in full royal messenger regalia (i.e., royal clothes minus the crown and a short little shoulder cape instead of the fanciest guy). And into the watchtower. He had meant to only talk to Batman or at most the big 3. Instead, it looks like at least 30 people are here.

No problem. This is fine. This is totally okay! Aaaand they're aiming their weapons at him. Actually, fair. That's on him, tbh. Unknown drops into their secret clubhouse, of course they're going to be touchy!

Danny clears his throat and stands as tall as possible while floating in the air.

He's totally got this. No worries. Just be professional. Like, regal or some shit. Channel his inner Dora, whichever one is most applicable at the time.

"Greetings, heroes of Universe 5055-XDT. You may call me Phantom. I have come as a courtesy in response to the realignment of your universe with the Realms and the transitional cycle."

"Realignment." Oh shit. That was Batman. Actual factual, wearing leather and growling a word out as a statement instead of a question, Batman.

Keep your shit together, Danny. You're here on official business, damnit!

Is that Martian Manhunter?!?!?!

No! Bad, Danny. Focus!

"That is correct. There have been several instances of time and space manipulation within this universe." Danny gives a pointed look at Superman and glares at the speedsters. "We assisted in correcting most of the anomalies that this unauthorized manipulation manufactured, but at some point, this universe became slightly misaligned with the rest of the Realms.

This has caused several issues, including waste runoff in the form of toxic pools and the propensity for beings in your universe to be misaligned with the transitional cycle inducing immortality. This issue has been corrected." Bam! Perfect! Professional af!

There's a murmur amongst the heroes as Batman considers the information. "Expand." Wonder Woman gives a side eye to Batman. He pauses a moment before adding, "Please."

Danny grins wide. "I would be happy too! First, all pools of the sewage runoff have been removed, and the cracks between realities that created them have been permanently fixed." Danny pulls out a small disc and activates a hologram showing the biggest pool he found in the Himalayas. "As restitution, we have also cleaned all contaminants from the locations, so there is no threat of further transitional issues."

"Pardon, Phantom. What do you mean by transitional and the transitional cycle?"

Danny beams at Wonder Woman and tries to keep his stanning on the inside. "The cycle of life and death. The realignment has ensured that all those who were outside this cycle have now returned. It is the main reason for my coming to you today." He looks out across the sea of heroes with fondness.

"As the protectors of this Earth, and across this universe, I knew it would be best to provide you with this information so as to prepare you for any changes you may encounter.

All those who were once immortal no longer are. Be aware that you have several beings in this universe who may be... discontent with the discovery of their renewed mortality." The hologram disc showed the faces of many people both on Earth and off. Including Vandal Savage, Ra's al Ghul and what looked like a 7 year old girl with pigtails.

"This also means that certain curses will no longer be as potent as the souls that have fueled them will be able to move on." Danny looks directly at Batman and his bats and birds that were around the room. "Gotham, especially, will finally be free of some of her chains. It may be difficult as balance reasserts itself, but eventually, some of her madness will be cured." Fuck it. Wink at the hottie. Ooh, a blush! Hell yeah!

"The ease for your dead to return to the living has been made more difficult. It is not impossible, but it is now much more unlikely as your souls will have a clean line to the beyond instead of the, well, cluster that it was before." Slipping on that profesh vibe, Danny! Ignore the hottie in black and red.

Nope. Nooo, Danny. Dont wink!

Smirk is good. Smirk can be written off ... or something. Probably.

Danny is about to continue when a green sticky note appears before him, causing the heroes to tense once more. "Ope! My time is up." He bows slightly. "It has been my absolute honor to meet heroes who have done so much in the name of protecting those who are unable to protect themselves." He makes a motion crossing both arms over his chest and then dropping them down to the heroes.

"If you have any more questions, please ask the sad trench coat man in the back. Yes, you, Johnny. Don't think I didn't see you back there trying to hide. You're still in the clear, don't you worry. And I've almost collected all your soul claims so when you die, you're not torn asunder. I know it worked out super well for you that first time, but I'm gonna need you to just fuckin' quit it, my guy."

"'Preciate that, Phantom."

Danny laughs. "I dunno, Johnny. Time's got plans for you. You and I both know how that's not always a good thing." Danny tucked his sticky note and disc back inside himself.

"Welp, this has been super cool, but I've gotta get back to the Realms. Please feel free to decline, but would it be possible to return and meet you all properly when I'm not on a tight schedule?" Danny clasps his hands in front of him and looks at Batman with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could manage. "I'll even go to whatever location you deem appropriate and communicate beforehand before showing up!" Batman continued to just look at him. "And I'll give you 1 question fully and honestly answered!"

"5 questions."

"3! But I want to be able to get some autographs! Not a bad bargain for 3 honest questions to someone who knows about life, the universe, and everything! I won't even answer 42!" He puts up his hand to his mouth and leans into Wonder Woman and stage whispers, "even though that IS the answer, surprisingly enough."

"Agreed." Batman and Danny shake hands before Danny floats up a little higher.

"It's been an absolute pleasure! I appreciate you all not attacking me when I just randomly showed up! In gratitude, I give to all present the blessing of minor convenience for the next 3 months! Farewell!" Danny gives a little finger wave to black and red before he rips open another portal and leaves.

All the heroes have varying degrees of freak outs with the implications of what was just provided, especially as Constantine and the rest of JLD confirms everything Phantom said.

[hecates-favorite-child]

Maybe I'm just trying to be healthy

I just saw a video on Instagram by Laura Girard, a fitness coach, that has my brain going for a spin. Here's what she says in it:

"This might be a tough pill to swallow. If you think that people have control over how their body looks and operates through the choices they make every day; if you think that we should be concerned about processed foods, that we should be trying to "eat clean" and "detox"; if you think that looking after your health is a moral obligation: you are further down the alt-right pipeline than you think you are."

I recognize that this video has achieved its intention of sparking an emotional response in me ("but I'm an eco-socialist, what do you mean I'm on the alt-right pipeline??"), but the response is happening in my brain, and I'm not going to let it just stay in there. Girard has given me a fantastic three-pronged thesis statement for me to write a counter to, so I want to see how much of my argumentative writing skill I have actually retained from my secondary and post-secondary education.

For ease of writing, I am going to pretend that Girard formatted each of her arguments as "If ___, then you are further down the alt-right pipeline than you think you are". With this formatting, it can be reasonably assumed the viewer is intended to "learn" that each of the criteria she brings up is false: that people do not have control over how their body appears and functions through their daily choices, that we should not be concerned about the degree of processing in the foods we eat, and that looking after your own health is not in any way a moral obligation.

The first argument, of course, is objectively, scientifically, untrue. Under normal everyday conditions, people's daily choices are entirely what drive the progressions of our bodies, whether it be to gain weight, lose weight, build muscle, lose muscle, etc. The only reason Girard can make this argument that paying attention to your own daily choices with the goal of furthering your own health puts you on the alt-right pipeline is because she intentionally leaves out the nuance of this simple truth, as is the case with all of her arguments in this video. The nature of life is such that pretty much every person exists under different circumstances which affect their ability and inclination to make "health-focused" decisions. Factors such as level of access to safe and nutritious food, level of financial stability and the free time it allows, and the culture of one's community when it comes to wellness all have a massive influence over how each individual person will move through their daily life. Even if I focus on just myself, I know that my body looks very different now from how it did at the beginning of this year, and I know for a fact that it's because I started exercising with actual consistency around late February. On all of my gym days, I make the conscious decision to go to the gym, and I am seeing the consequences of those decisions directly on my body.

Girard's second argument, that we should not worry about whether we are eating nutritious food, is simply nonsensical. The way she has stated it, a reasonable takeaway would be that a human could feed themselves on nothing but corn chips and root beer and live just as long and happy a life as someone who still eats those things while prioritizing whole, nutritious foods. I'm not going to pretend that this tumblr essay is in any way actually formal, but this straight up makes no fucking sense, and the reason it doesn't is because ONCE AGAIN, WE HAVE ZERO NUANCE. This probably is the prong of behavior where people do most commonly fall down the pipeline, but I believe it is because they fall victim to the same black-and-white thinking Girard is actively promoting, albeit in the opposite direction. I will grant that the "eating clean" and "detox" part of the argument definitely has its place (see the scores of woefully-misinformed Americans who opt to ingest raw milk), but just assuming that the way to avoid this very beginning stage of the pipeline is to go balls to the walls in the other direction by ingesting anything that strikes your fancy is ABSOLUTELY AN INCORRECT TAKEAWAY.

The last argument is another misleading statement because, you guessed it, of the lack of nuance. When I claim, "I feel morally obligated to take care of my health", what does that mean to you? Because it's true, I do! I feel obligated to future me to live in a way that best ensures both my current and future happiness, and I feel obligated to the people in my life to be able to support them in ways I would not be able to if I was much less healthy than I am. The nuance with this argument comes in with the understanding that disabled people exist, and always have, and that their disabilities do not make them less deserving of fulfilling lives. As a mostly able-bodied person (there are a very few tasks/movements I can't perform because of a chronic back injury which does not affect my life in any other way), the obligation I feel towards my community is one of support. If I choose to make it so, my health can directly support my community. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and they sometimes interfere with my daily life, but I know that when that happens I can rely on the close people in my life in turn. Given that much of what I have seen about the alt right is centered around extreme individualism, I feel like I'm doing okay in terms of avoiding the pipeline.

ALSO WHOA SURPRISE SECOND DEGREE OF NUANCE WITH ARGUMENT NUMBER THREE the obligation is not coming from anyone other than myself. If it was coming from an external source (a religious leader, political leader, etc.), then I would definitely be taking Girard's statement to heart. External obligations are about control, regardless of who they come from or how minor they seem. On a normal interpersonal level, this is of course not necessarily harmful; on a one-to-many scale, this is where people can start to fall into things like fascism.

With the rabid individualism that I have come to understand is central to the alt right, there is also (of course) the idea of superiority. I assume that this is the root of Girard's horrendously-communicated statement. Working within each of the three mentioned behaviors may lead someone to feel superior to those around them, as if fulfilling their moral obligation by choosing to be active and eat better than they could makes them more valid as a human being than others. Obviously, this is super bad! You can't have a constructive community if several of its members believe the rest of the community to be lesser life forms than they are. But the assumption that living within these three behaviors 100% starts giving people that perception of superiority is, simply put, fucking dumb.

TL;DR: I'm not on the alt-right pipeline, I just want to be able to support myself and my community as best I am physically, mentally, and emotionally able, and being healthy makes that goal vastly easier to achieve. If I felt that being healthy made me superior to anyone else, I probably wouldn't want so badly to support the people around me. I also want to be healthy to feel hot and confident but that one's just a shallow me thing anyway thank you for coming to my TED Talk/rant

[mayogee]

rumi is an ugly crier