THE CHILDHOOD STRUGGLES OF EVERY MYERS BRIGGS TYPE Part 3: The Idealists – NF Types
ENFJ children are sunny and enthusiastic, blending creativity and warmth in an unforgettable way. They are highly sociable little children, loving to make others happy and striving for harmony in all their relationships. They, like all NF types, have a very strong belief system that they hold very dear. They are expressive and thoughtful; often very popular with other kids. Like all NF types, ENFJ children are highly imaginative and prone to daydreaming.
The unique childhood struggles of the ENFJ:
ENFJ children are highly sociable and get much energy from being around people. Being alone or cooped up in the house will be excruciating for these types. For this reason, if they’re part of a more introverted family they can feel that their needs aren’t met; or if they are met, they can spend so much time shuttling from one activity to another that it exhausts them.
ENFJs so much want to make others happy and are so afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings, that they may make decisions that aren’t in their best interests and suffer for it later. As they get older, they will need help learning how to be true to themselves even if it means disrupting the harmony of everyone else sometimes. They are so sensitive to the moods and feelings of others, that they absorb them into themselves. Conflict and distress in the lives of others will be absorbed by the ENFJ and it’s almost as if they are feeling the distress of others deep within themselves. Things like divorce in the family, death of a loved one, or any kind of conflict is taken very hard by these highly sensitive types.
ENFJ children are very affectionate and love to express their feelings freely. They will want to hug and cuddle with their friends and family members, but our culture sends strong messages about this affection being inappropriate. Because ENFJs are very concerned with being true to their hearts, they may feel they have to stifle a part of themselves to “fit in” to American culture and not be as affectionate and expressive as they naturally are.
ENFJs are extremely sensitive to criticism; and negative words have a deep impact on them. They take criticism extremely personally, and as a result, can feel sometimes that their families or loved ones don’t really love them after a dispute. They idealize their relationships and can feel tormented with ideas of abandonment when they are criticized. It would be wise for parents of ENFJs to frequently express their unchanging love for their child; especially before a punishment or criticism.
INFJ children are dreamers in every sense of the word. They are highly imaginative and creative, and also very private and protective of their inner worlds. They are often quiet, gentle and sensitive, but if one of their values is questioned they can instantly become fiery, passionate and (sometimes) stubborn. They are very intellectual and empathetic, concerned with the world and everyone in it. They are always looking to understand the meaning of everything that touches their lives; feeling that it is all connected somehow.
The unique childhood struggles of the INFJ:
INFJs live inside a rich inner world. They thrive on the ability to use their imagination, to analyze, and to ponder. For this reason, things like interruptions, being part of a more extroverted family, or sudden changes in plans can greatly upset them. They get so caught up in their thoughts that to be interrupted or pulled in a different direction is very stressful for them. This may also make it harder for them to concentrate on projects that don’t fall in line with their inner world; and although they want to please their teachers, they can often struggle with the more rote aspects of school.
INFJs are often very shy as children; but also very much want to be liked or to have one or two very close friends. They can often have a hard time making friends because of their intensely private natures; although they are usually well-liked by their peers because of their warmth and sincerity.
INFJs derive strength and nourishment from being able to spend time alone daydreaming. This is often suppressed by parents and the world, who are more concerned with “getting things done”. However, this isn’t just a desire for an INFJ, it’s a need. Their dominant function is introverted intuition, which is often accessed through ‘daydreaming’, and without being able to use it they can feel a huge amount of stress; as anyone does when they can’t regularly access their dominant function. Imagine how damaging it would be to tell an ESFJ (the most common type in females) to not care about other people’s feelings anymore. Because many can’t see the practical purpose of introverted intuition (plenty of people can see the practical purpose of caring about feelings or thinking logically) INFJs are often told to get out of their heads, stop daydreaming, and get to work on the sensory aspects of life. For this reason, the use of their dominant function is often stifled during childhood. They make up only 1-2% of the population, and because of a lack of understanding can often grow up feeling misunderstood, and forced into a box that just doesn’t “fit them”.
If you’re parenting an INFJ, try to make sure you give your child plenty of time to think and daydream. Try to protect them from a demanding and high-speed world by creating private times and places they can go to be alone. It’s best not to interrupt an INFJ when they’re working on a project or thinking hard about something (unless you have to). Their mind is so busy making connections and so focused on their idea that, when interrupted, it feels to them like all their finely tuned internal pieces have just been scattered everywhere. They can lose interest in the project altogether and become very frustrated. They are perfectionists as well, and hold themselves to such a high standard that they can get frustrated easily while trying to perfect their projects and ideas.
INFJs intensely hate conflict; like all extraverted feelers, they absorb others emotions within themselves. They greatly desire harmony in their outer world, and if someone is stressed or unhappy they will feel it inside and do whatever they can to make things harmonious again. For this reason, divorce, fighting, or any kind of anger is taken very hard by them. They also take criticism very personally, and can often feel insecure in a family where their feelings aren’t handled carefully by those around them.
INFJ children have a hard time understanding their own emotions, but can easily pick up on other people’s emotions. For this reason, they can easily get overwhelmed or confused about how they feel. Along with INTJs, INFJs are the most likely to experience health problems as a result of internalizing stress and emotions.
ENFP children are some of the most enthusiastic and insatiably curious of all the types. They constantly dream of what is possible, and are overflowing with ideas and energy. They are very sensitive and imaginative, wanting to share all their thoughts and dreams with the world. They are eager to make friends and connect with others. They have an adventurous spirit; longing to explore the world and new environments.
The unique childhood struggles of the ENFP:
Focus and concentration don’t come easily to most ENFPs. They are so full of ideas and possibilities, that they often get lost in a trail of thoughts. This makes school often frustrating for them, where they are forced to sit still and concentrate on one task at a time. Their enthusiasm for every possibility also means they can take on more projects than they can realistically finish, which can lead to them being overwhelmed. They have a playful, boisterous enthusiasm that makes them endearing children, but can lend itself to trouble in school. They are often misdiagnosed with having ADD or ADHD because of their enormous energy and inability to focus on one thing at a time.
ENFPs as children often have trouble with self-discipline and can procrastinate, leaving important tasks till the last minute. This can breed a sort of chaos around them that can be overwhelming to them and those who live with them. Parents should try to offer gentle reminders, early in the process, in a private and encouraging manner to help them keep on task with their endeavors. However, as they get older, it’s wise to let ENFPs learn to rescue themselves and form their own way of managing projects.
ENFPs are very sensitive and tend to cry easily as children. They easily get their feelings hurt, and can often fall into depression. In public they may seem as enthusiastic, playful and active as ever, but in private they can be quite worried, depressed, and fearful. They are prone to self-blame and bouts of depression, and could use gentle encouragement from parents regularly of their love and acceptance.
ENFPs long very much to be able to express their thoughts and ideas; and if they’re raised in a more Sensor/Judger type environment, they can often feel stifled and misunderstood. Sensors may not see the point in the ENFPs theoretical ideas or abstract ramblings, and can cut them off short, or label them as “flighty”. ENFP children are very intelligent and insightful, but are often cast aside as “ditzy” or “dreamy” by parents who don’t share the same nature.
INFP children are some of the most intensely private and deeply passionate of all the types. On the surface they may seem cool and reserved, but inside they have an intensity of feeling and strongly held values. They are quiet, serious and highly sensitive children who deeply care about those close to them. They usually have a rich fantasy life and are naturally creative. They strongly desire to understand the meaning of life and love to express themselves in artistic ways; through music, writing, poetry, dance, or theater.
The unique childhood struggles of the INFP:
INFP children are highly sensitive and live life with a certain emotional vulnerability. They are easily hurt by real or perceived insensitivity, and they can become very irrational in response to this. They can feel insecure and as if they are betrayed by those they hold dear. In order to protect themselves, they have a tendency to hold grudges and have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. They are introverted feelers, which means they are very aware of their own feelings; but have a harder time understanding feelings that are foreign to them. For this reason, they can often be hurt by things that weren’t meant to be hurtful at all.
INFP children quickly become bored with routine and a rigid structure. They like to mix work and play, and may often have half-finished projects that are abandoned when something new comes along. They are so drawn to alternative paths of discovery that they can struggle with meeting deadlines for homework and can have a hard time staying on task in school. They can get very frustrated and overwhelmed by a world that naturally is more in tune with a sensor/judger-type mindset.
Because INFPs are so internally focused and thoughtful, they aren’t always very aware of what’s going on around them unless it involves someone or something that is personally meaningful to them. They can frequently forget things like homework, or their backpacks. This may also lend itself to the INFP being somewhat clumsy and awkward. Some INFPs do excel at athletics; but it is usually because they have made this something personally meaningful to them and given it great attention.
INFP children long for harmony and good-will in their family; and will become very distressed if there is conflict. They may cry easily as children, and because they are so private feel very embarrassed by this outward display of emotion. Male INFPs in particular often face scrutiny or bullying for their sensitivity and emotional nature. Parents of INFPs would be wise to encourage their children, and to accept them how they are; let them know their feelings are perfectly normal and that you accept them just how they are.
INFP children are easily distracted, and often have to be reminded to finish things. They are so internally focused that if they’re feeling upset, worried, or have their minds on anything else they may not even hear what’s going on around them. Their feelings are the loudest thing they hear. They care very deeply about others, but can struggle with getting out of their own heads or their own feelings to reach out to others. That said, they are excellent listeners when engaged in one-on-one conversation and can listen intentionally much longer than many of the other types can.
