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Contemplating

by Paulo Rocha

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What I Be Project, Steve Rosenfield

Photographer Steve Rosenfield recently asked subjects far and wide to complete the following statement: “I am not my ___ ”. He prompted individuals to fill in the blank with their deepest and darkest insecurities, moving people to bring issues regarding body image, substance abuse, mental illness, race and sexuality to the forefront. The results of the social experiment of sorts is a photography series titled the What I Be Project, an intimate examination of the anxieties and inhibitions that plague men and women of all ages.

The “What I Be Project” is all about honesty.

In today’s society, we are told to look or act a certain way. If we differ from these “standards,” we are often judged, ridiculed, and sometimes even killed over them.

By stating “I am not my_____,” people are claiming that they do in fact struggle with these issues, but it does not define who they are as a person. It is not aimed for people to say “You’re not fat,” or “You don’t have love handles.” It is to spread awareness on what people go through due to society’s paved roads. These are serious issues that some of us can live with, but most battle on a day to day basis.

I am not my shame.

I am not my gender.

I am not my image.

I am not my turban.

I am not my weakness.

I am my amputation.

I am not my bi-polar disorder.

I am not my adoption.

I am not my number.

I am not my vision.

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BE INTERESTED

About a year ago, i really didn’t understand myself. I found myself stuck in this rut where everyday i would wake up, go to school and walk like a ghost through my life. Not doing anything to catch anyone’s notice, not leaving any marks, just getting by. I wasn’t even an observer of the people and life around me. It was as if a thick fog hung around my head, pressing on my shoulders with a soft pressure and i found myself perpetually tired. i would think everything carefully through before i spoke and i found that the words tumbling out of my mouth almost always tasted bitter. I spoke and acted how i thought would please people, i tried to be a different version of myself. i would lie in bed, replaying situations of the day in my head and ask myself ‘what would you really say to that?’ and the scariest part was that i didn’t know.

A part of me had told myself this was just how life went, and that everyone was incased in this thick and heavy mundanity. It was sort of a grim acceptance of what i thought was the world. But i couldn’t shake the idea that this wasn’t how i wanted things to be, i wanted to feel creative and inspired and happy. I wanted to know how i truly felt about things, rather than letting myself be caught up in the waves of what everyone else thought.

The truth was, i was stuck in this mindset because i had never really tried to get out of it. You can’t force yourself to be yourself. In my media class, i was suddenly introduced to this world of creativity and art and my eyes were opened to a wider awareness of the world. I found these topics that interested me and intrigued me and i read and read about them because it made me happy. i formed opinions and had ideas, i realised that just by staying interested i had become this person was aware and interested and i started looking at the world with wider eyes.

I’m sure other people have felt this way, and felt stuck in their lives or in the body of a person they don’t want to be. it doesn’t have to be like this, you are a person with a web of complex emotions and morals and beliefs. Find the things that interest you. The things you could read about on the internet for hours and not get bored. Explore the world from the confines of your room. Search for the things that make you shake with anger and smile with happiness. You don’t have to have set opinions on things or know exactly how you feel, just know that you’re curious and wide eyed because there are too many things to understand and not enough time.

i was walking through life and letting it pass through me, when really i should have been absorbing everything. If you want to get out of your own head, if you want to escape mundaintyf you want to feel then all you need to do is be interested.

-Hannah xxxxxxx