lav

a silly little guy

[helniktrash]

so i started reading the iliad (part one: page 15-19)

no prefaces, no knowledge, but it's the novel version... which is interesting.

and i've come up with the reasoning that if i don't explain this to anyone else, then i won't understand it. so i'm now explaining it to you (in very deep detail)

youll get random updates more sporadically as time goes on but right now i'm just filling up what i've already described to my friends

the iliad according to gen z

DISCLAIMER: i only have knowledge on epic the musical (which is actually just the odyssey). i don't know anything else 🏄‍♂️ don't hate on me if this is inaccurate, (i know it is going to be very inaccurate) it's just meant to be funny.

it starts out like "apollo made these two bros fight because they were harboring a girl and everyone wanted her to go home"

it's chryssys daughter

aggeamsiosmemeon stole crhrussys daughter

and then chryssy tattled to apollo

chryssy the preist offered ransom for his daughter to get her back from aggy

but then aggy says no and now chryssy is scared of aggememmeosmon so he goes to tattle on apollo

chryssy is like "dude i literally shot your animals i respect you i come and vibe in your temple i bring you little leaf thingies HELP ME"

and apollos like "jeez ok chill"

so apollo gets lit 💀 and starts bringing pestilence and plague to the people (the danaans??? the archaeans?????)

he does this for a minute and a half (NINE DAYS) and then achilles is eventually like "ok we can't burn any more pyres we're literally running out"

then some prophecy dude (i don't think he's an oracle? they mentioned a dream dude because 'zeus does that too') comes by

and he's like "okay i'll tell you the vibe but don't tattle on me" (i actually don't know what he's saying)

he's basically like "lol so words are gonna hurt but pls protect me i'm scared i think someone's gonna hurt me when i say this" which. reasonable.

and then achilles is like "chill out bro i gotchu rawr"

side tangent : okay wait who are the danaans? like?...?

i considered looking this up when i first heard the word buttttt ehhhhh i got lazy.

well so i looked up archaean which was also mentioned and it just said 'organisms' so i just assumed it was the name of general humanity. but that's definitely wrong

so achilles becomes this prophecy dude's scary dog.

wow that's a sentence.

and then the preist is like "don't make him pay you to get the girl back, literally just give the girl back to chryssy if you want this to end bruv"

and then aggys like "wtf did you say to me girlypop. i'm not gonna give her up ESPECIALLY without money"

but the prophecy dude is like "hey don't shoot the messenger. achilles is literally my scary dog now and he'll protect me from you so don't try pls. (pls don't hurt me)"

and aggy goes on a tangent that seems unwarranted but honestly i'm here for it. he starts talking about "you're literally just biased against me you literally have nothing good to say to me and it's not nice." he went on this rant for a minute and a half

and the dude is concerned the dude is like "pls achilles-"

and then aggy drops that he's CHEATING ON HIS WIFE WITH THIS GIRL HE STOLE FROM CHRYSSY which honestly isn't surprising in greece at the time

so aggy is eventually like FINE i guess i'll give her up but i want a PRIZE in RETURN

and then it mentioned argives and i was confused for a minute and a half

but i refused to look up what it's meant (i'm gonna fail in college) so i'm still clueless

aggy wants his prize to be from somewhere else

and achilles is like "ummmmmm no i don't think that's gonna work honeybun. we've already destroyed seen all the other places around here we legit have nothing we can give you from a new place we've defeated all of them"

"but i mean if daddy zeus says go sack troyyyyy 😇😉 we'll give you a lil sum sum"

and aggy, paranoid as always, is like "YOURE JUST MESSING WITH ME." he thinks achilles is gonna get all the prizes (win the lotto hehe) while aggy gives up the girl he loves (OVER HIS WIFE MIGHT I REMIND YOU) and gets nothing

jeez aggys so spoiled

"your besties gotta find me a prize or i'll STEAL ONE OF YOUR OWN. OR THEIR OWN. ILL STEAL EVERYONES PRIZES"

side tangent : they've said the word hecatomb like 10 times and i still haven't looked it up.

i'm just imagining a little hectagon charm thingy. or a casket. or. just... a rock.

so aggy's like "ok fine let's go on a boat and let's bring the girl that i love and let's bring chryssy and the hectaofowdiwnfn and let's sing koombaya in hopes that apollos not gonna smite us 🤣🤔"

"and also, you and another WORTHY BUDDY will come along"

and then right after that he mentions sacrifice which. i'm a little worried that the two are correlated buttttt that's okayyyyy

side tangent : for some reason my mind reads anger of the god as angry god or angrier god. like i've had to correct myself three times.

and then for some reason achilles gets mad. he's like "you're so spoiled" which, real. and then he talks about fighting the trojans and he's talking so aggressively- like- okay.

he's accusing aggy of wanting to fight the trojans which, as far as i know he NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

so achilles is saying "i don't wanna fight the trojans i'm chill with them smh aggy"

and then he calls aggy 'sir insolence'. which. GORGEOUS INSULT. im gonna start calling people that now.

he's like "we've been doing nothing but following your vibes of hurting the trojans (and some other dude) BUT NOW YOURE TALKING ABOUT TAKIN MY PRIZE? NAH THat ain't happening."

"i NEVER get a good prize. you get ALL of them, but IM THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK HERE YA MEANIE"

"share share share mememememem i doNT WANNA SHARE. I SHARE EVERYTHING AND MY SHARE IS ALWAYS GOING BACK TO MY SHIPS AND FIGHTING 😞🫠🫠🫠"

"so IM GOING HOME! take that."

[capinejghafa]

SOC SPINOFF WAS GONNA FEATURE KAZ AND INEJ'S FIRST MEETING. NETFLIX I WILL FIGHT YOU.

[helniktrash]

ain't no way. netflix you didn't have to do us like this😩

[helniktrash]

grishaverse characters playing monopoly

it's a little unnerving that out of seven posts, this is my second one about monopoly- i DONT EVEN PLAY THE GAME

• jesper tried to stack the deck before hand but he gravely miscalculated

• kaz always wins and makes immensely complicated deals and plans

• he would play very fair in monopoly

• ends up owning the whole board

• if inej lands on his property he wouldn't tax her as much as he would the others

• him and inej combine their empires

• jesper would buy out stuff all the stuff he could as quickly as he could

• jesper has the worst luck with dice

• if he couldn't buy something he would borrow money from kaz

• he would always throw a fit about going to jail

• and try to break out

• "i'm a criminal it's what i do"

• he'd try to make a deal with kaz, it would never work out in his favor

• wylan has to keep bailing jesper out of jail

• everyone wanted inej to be the banker

• but it's always kaz

• originally people thought it might be good to have matthias becuase he's really good-- morally--

• but he doesn't know how the game works by counting money

• so it's always been kaz

• which jesper thinks is so unfair

• wylans cards are always really good

• jesper reading wylans cards for him

• he gets really surprised and jealous when wylan gets a good card but not immediately saying what it is

• "what is it what is it???" leaving everyone in suspense

• nina convinces matthias to sell her a get out of jail free card for a ridiculously small price

• matthias, unsure of the exact rules of the game, just does it anyway

• when people say that's against the rules, matthias blames nina

• nina keeps saying that he's her boyfriend and to not turn him against her

• matthias would never turn against nina though, no matter what

• they're practically on a team at this point

• while everyone's arguing about the expensive properties, inej silently collects like 3 monopolies

• and then when people land on it they have to pay more

• they're all questioning what just happened because wasn't the price just normal a few turns ago?

• nina would try to flirt her way into getting better deals on properties

• it would work on inej, jesper, and matthias

• (matthias would get so flustered when this happened, turning bright red)

• with kaz this tactic fails all the time

• she's really upset that it won't work

• whenever jesper gets a monopoly he always yells monopoly like it's uno

• jesper would try to get a ton of properties, wouldn't really mind putting castles and cottages on them

• wylan would focus on his one or two monopolies, putting a bunch of castles and cottages on them

• kaz would do both

• don't ask me how- he just would

• jesper, nina, kuwei, and kaz would always get into a fight at the start

• it would be over who should be the favorite icon piece

• because they all love this one piece

• and it's almost always kaz who gets it

• once in a while he gives it to jesper though, because he likes seeing him happy

• matthias always needs nina to explain to him how to play

• he keeps getting confused and needs her to refresh him every time

• nina doesn't exactly explain it "to the rules",

• saying things like "oh and you can help me by doing whatever if i'm in trouble"

• matthias would only buy properties that he believes were ethical

• which means he would lose first

• kaz on the other hand, wins every time

• wylan is actually surprisingly a close second to kaz

• no one knows how that's happening

• "is jesper cheating for you?"

• but it's all because they keep underestimating wylan

• wylan stays a couple paces ahead of kuwei

• and deliberately buys up properties that he thinks kuwei will like

• just so that kuwei won't be able to buy them

• moving on to the others.....

• zoya is ridiculously competitive

• tolya is always the banker because he's "the most responsible out of them all"

• it was usually nikolai

• until he started playing around a little too much

• tamar will try to bribe tolya into giving her more money than is allowed

• tolya won't fly with it

• david is more focused on his own game

• not worried about anyone else's

• in fact, he didn't even really want to play this

• but genya and nikolai and pressured him into it, pleading with him

• genya has an incredible poker face and no one can see what she's up to

• zoyas pride is too extreme to play this game, she can't stand to lose to anyone

• therefore is really upset when it happens

• nikolai gets all excited when he wins

• he's like a golden retriever and it takes him a few hours to drop his excitement

WOW this was long. if you made it to the end then thank you and i apologize 💀

[helniktrash]

okay but what if i still posted grishaverse content but also drop some things about my own book as well 👀 i'm a writer guys ahem ahem

anyway since you came to see me alive again here is my six of crows tidbit

Matthias: *petting a random dog* you are such a good dog, you are going to be such a good dog papa to lots of many puppies

Nina: he is neutered

Matthias: what does that mean?

Nina: in Ravka, when you get a dog you have their reproductive organs altered so that they can't have children

Matthias: *is mortified* you WHAT?!

Nina: It is good for the dog population and means there are less strays and puppy mills

Matthias: are YOU neutered?

Nina: No. i'm very fertile-- look at these child-birthing hips

[helniktrash]

anyone else still thinking about nora's book idea drop after ten years and it actually being a healing book?

just me? dam okay

[helniktrash]

haven't been on here in forever but raising from the dead to say WESPER KANEJ AND HELNIK NATIONS NEED MORE. come on netflix, hit us with the spin off 😭

[onlytibki]

I haven't seen anyone mention it yet but the Percy Jackson live action series is coming out Dec 20, 2023.

And that's the winter solstice.

Someone remind me, when did the lightning bolt get stolen in the first book?

[helniktrash]

.....everyone be quiet i need to do some screaming

[helniktrash]

i don't think you realize just how INSANELY BAD kaz would be at monopoly. just my thought:

he's used to real money, right? so no 1. the fake money makes him mad, because it's not real enough to trick people with and get away with it.

no 2. board games confuse him (come on, this man has never ever not once had a childhood/j) i don't even know if board games exist in the grishaverse

no 3. he'd let inej take all of his property (/j?👀)

wow this is a spontaneous first post....