so i started reading the iliad (part one: page 15-19)
no prefaces, no knowledge, but it's the novel version... which is interesting.
and i've come up with the reasoning that if i don't explain this to anyone else, then i won't understand it. so i'm now explaining it to you (in very deep detail)
youll get random updates more sporadically as time goes on but right now i'm just filling up what i've already described to my friends
the iliad according to gen z
DISCLAIMER: i only have knowledge on epic the musical (which is actually just the odyssey). i don't know anything else 🏄♂️ don't hate on me if this is inaccurate, (i know it is going to be very inaccurate) it's just meant to be funny.
it starts out like "apollo made these two bros fight because they were harboring a girl and everyone wanted her to go home"
it's chryssys daughter
aggeamsiosmemeon stole crhrussys daughter
and then chryssy tattled to apollo
chryssy the preist offered ransom for his daughter to get her back from aggy
but then aggy says no and now chryssy is scared of aggememmeosmon so he goes to tattle on apollo
chryssy is like "dude i literally shot your animals i respect you i come and vibe in your temple i bring you little leaf thingies HELP ME"
and apollos like "jeez ok chill"
so apollo gets lit 💀 and starts bringing pestilence and plague to the people (the danaans??? the archaeans?????)
he does this for a minute and a half (NINE DAYS) and then achilles is eventually like "ok we can't burn any more pyres we're literally running out"
then some prophecy dude (i don't think he's an oracle? they mentioned a dream dude because 'zeus does that too') comes by
and he's like "okay i'll tell you the vibe but don't tattle on me" (i actually don't know what he's saying)
he's basically like "lol so words are gonna hurt but pls protect me i'm scared i think someone's gonna hurt me when i say this" which. reasonable.
and then achilles is like "chill out bro i gotchu rawr"
side tangent : okay wait who are the danaans? like?...?
i considered looking this up when i first heard the word buttttt ehhhhh i got lazy.
well so i looked up archaean which was also mentioned and it just said 'organisms' so i just assumed it was the name of general humanity. but that's definitely wrong
so achilles becomes this prophecy dude's scary dog.
wow that's a sentence.
and then the preist is like "don't make him pay you to get the girl back, literally just give the girl back to chryssy if you want this to end bruv"
and then aggys like "wtf did you say to me girlypop. i'm not gonna give her up ESPECIALLY without money"
but the prophecy dude is like "hey don't shoot the messenger. achilles is literally my scary dog now and he'll protect me from you so don't try pls. (pls don't hurt me)"
and aggy goes on a tangent that seems unwarranted but honestly i'm here for it. he starts talking about "you're literally just biased against me you literally have nothing good to say to me and it's not nice." he went on this rant for a minute and a half
and the dude is concerned the dude is like "pls achilles-"
and then aggy drops that he's CHEATING ON HIS WIFE WITH THIS GIRL HE STOLE FROM CHRYSSY which honestly isn't surprising in greece at the time
so aggy is eventually like FINE i guess i'll give her up but i want a PRIZE in RETURN
and then it mentioned argives and i was confused for a minute and a half
but i refused to look up what it's meant (i'm gonna fail in college) so i'm still clueless
aggy wants his prize to be from somewhere else
and achilles is like "ummmmmm no i don't think that's gonna work honeybun. we've already destroyed seen all the other places around here we legit have nothing we can give you from a new place we've defeated all of them"
"but i mean if daddy zeus says go sack troyyyyy 😇😉 we'll give you a lil sum sum"
and aggy, paranoid as always, is like "YOURE JUST MESSING WITH ME." he thinks achilles is gonna get all the prizes (win the lotto hehe) while aggy gives up the girl he loves (OVER HIS WIFE MIGHT I REMIND YOU) and gets nothing
jeez aggys so spoiled
"your besties gotta find me a prize or i'll STEAL ONE OF YOUR OWN. OR THEIR OWN. ILL STEAL EVERYONES PRIZES"
side tangent : they've said the word hecatomb like 10 times and i still haven't looked it up.
i'm just imagining a little hectagon charm thingy. or a casket. or. just... a rock.
so aggy's like "ok fine let's go on a boat and let's bring the girl that i love and let's bring chryssy and the hectaofowdiwnfn and let's sing koombaya in hopes that apollos not gonna smite us 🤣🤔"
"and also, you and another WORTHY BUDDY will come along"
and then right after that he mentions sacrifice which. i'm a little worried that the two are correlated buttttt that's okayyyyy
side tangent : for some reason my mind reads anger of the god as angry god or angrier god. like i've had to correct myself three times.
and then for some reason achilles gets mad. he's like "you're so spoiled" which, real. and then he talks about fighting the trojans and he's talking so aggressively- like- okay.
he's accusing aggy of wanting to fight the trojans which, as far as i know he NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
so achilles is saying "i don't wanna fight the trojans i'm chill with them smh aggy"
and then he calls aggy 'sir insolence'. which. GORGEOUS INSULT. im gonna start calling people that now.
he's like "we've been doing nothing but following your vibes of hurting the trojans (and some other dude) BUT NOW YOURE TALKING ABOUT TAKIN MY PRIZE? NAH THat ain't happening."
"i NEVER get a good prize. you get ALL of them, but IM THE ONE DOING ALL THE WORK HERE YA MEANIE"
"share share share mememememem i doNT WANNA SHARE. I SHARE EVERYTHING AND MY SHARE IS ALWAYS GOING BACK TO MY SHIPS AND FIGHTING 😞🫠🫠🫠"
"so IM GOING HOME! take that."
















