Help me, Dylan

I tell you what to do.

[helpmedylan]

When You’ve Fallen Off the Wagon

Dear Dylan,

I'm an alcoholic. I had a year's sobriety up until last week, when I feel off the wagon, hard. I don't know what to do. I *despise* AA meetings. I've tried Smart Recovery. I've read books on staying sober, I have a sponsor who's also one of my closest friends, and I just don't have much *hope* about staying sober long-term. Part of me doesn't even care, right now. What do you think I should do?

-Addicted

Dear Addicted,

Look, you don’t need to feel an OUNCE of hope to take action on this and take care of yourself. You just have to do what needs to be done regardless of how you feel. If you wait to feel a certain way before you do something, you’ll be waiting forever. You become hopeful by doing. Or, replace “hope” with “confidence.” Or “courage.” It’s all basically the same thing in this case: faith in your own ability to do something daunting. Don’t wait for that faith. Take steps now, feel faith later. Maybe another way to put this is “fake it ‘til you make it.”

I’m not saying your hopelessness doesn’t matter, my love; it absolutely does. But the way you fight hopelessness is by doing concrete, hopeful things.

So forgive me for being a broken record, but: Are you in therapy? Maybe someone with special expertise in addiction? If not, can you start? Can you pledge to your sponsor that if you don’t like the first therapist you meet, you’ll keep searching until you find one you do like?

Have you talked to your doctor about medication? It seems important to assert that I am very much NOT a doctor, but I’ve read good things about treating alcohol cravings and withdrawal chemically. If your doctor expresses skepticism or won’t prescribe you something, ask a different doctor. Ask your sponsor or people you know from Smart Recovery, or call the doctors in your insurance network (while we all still have insurance, LOL!) and tell them what you’re looking for.

Is drinking in moderation (“controlled drinking”) a possibility for you? (Please, please let me repeat that I am not a doctor and have no expertise in addiction, and it is entirely possible that I need to fuck off.) Is sobriety the only possible option for you? I know that AA preaches “one drink, one drunk,” but you despise AA, so fuck them. Some people do have success with controlled drinking; there’s science to back it up. It’s not a solution for everyone, but might it be an option for you?

Is the alcoholism a coping mechanism for another unhappiness in your life? Some other bullshit that you’re avoiding dealing with? Do you need to talk to your therapist about that bullshit?

Can you at least give yourself credit for reaching out to me and trying to get help that way? For getting a year’s sobriety in the first place? Can you use that as evidence that you DO care and that you know on some level that your recovery is possible, even if you don’t feel “caring” or “hopeful” as emotions?

I love you. I’m rooting for you so hard. I know you can do this. I KNOW you can do this.

Love, Dylan

Photo by Alexander Csontala.

[helpmedylan]

When You Finally Admit You Were Molested

Dear Dylan,

So this is scary. But also so relieving. That I can have a safe space to share all this. I've been holding onto a secret for so long, almost 20 years, and I want out with it. Out with it. I'm a victim of child molestation and domestic abuse. I'm very open about my dad having had been abusive. But when it comes to me being molested as a 9-year-old third-grader by my parents’ friend who made me sit on his lap while he touched my vagina with his bare hands, I don't tell anyone. Can you console me?

Dear Brave Beautiful Soul,

I am certainly going to try.

You are so brave. You are so brave. It is so tempting to just shove these memories down forever, to never ever let them see the light, because if we never say it then maybe it never happened. But you knew that you needed to say it. Healing begins with telling the truth; suffocation breeds more suffocation. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for wanting to make it better. Thank you for your bravery.

I believe you. It’s not your fault. I believe you. It’s not your fault. You should have been safe, and you weren’t. I am so sorry you weren’t safe. I am so sorry you weren’t safe. I am so sorry you weren’t safe.

This isn’t necessarily going to console you, but it may make it less overwhelming when you bump into it: There’s going to be a million layers to this. There’s going to be the layer where you try to figure out how to forgive your parents, and whether you even want to. There’s the layer of your spectacularly ginormous trust issues. There’s the layer where you look at yourself as a sexual person who has been molested, and what that even means, and has been meaning all these years while you weren’t saying anything. The layer where you rage about the fact that the molesters and the rapists are doing just fine, winning awards and becoming presidents, and the injustice and hugeness of rape culture. The layer where you realize you’ve been keeping an iron grip on controling certain things all these years because you couldn’t control being molested. And on. And on. And on.

Believe me when I say that you cannot navigate all these layers alone. You need a therapist, my love, and if you don’t like your first therapist you need to keep looking until you find a therapist that you like, and you need to stay in therapy for at least a year. And if you already have a therapist, you need to tell them what you told me. And you need to know that this is going to have a ripple effect and keep affecting you in three years and seven years and ten years, and you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself when you find that you’re still dealing with this much, much longer after the fact than you thought you would be.

You deserve every kindness in the world right now. Give yourself as many kindnesses as you can. A movie alone or with your favorite person. A social media detox if that would feel good. Delicious healthy food and walks in the sunshine or under the city lights at night. Breathe. Seek pleasure. You deserve this.

You were so smart to ask for help. Keep asking for help all the fucking time. Who else in your life can you tell this story to? Is there someone safe and loving who you can trust with this?

You are far from alone. Once you tell your story to someone who isn’t me, you may hear other people’s stories too. Other people’s experiences with this will teach you that nothing about how you’ve reacted to your experience so far or ever will react to your experience is crazy or outlandish or unreasonable. Would it console you to read some of these other stories online? To Google them in an incognito window so it doesn’t pop up in your search history later and trigger you?

I have this printed and taped to my wall. Maybe it will help you to do the same.

I’m putting my arms around you. I’m giving you the warmest, most loving hug you can imagine. Anytime you feel devastated or scared or overwhelmed by the story that you just told me, remember that I am holding you, and that I love you.

You only ever have to get through the next sixty seconds.

Do you have access to a soundproof room or deserted location where you can scream in privacy? Do you have a foolproof tearjerking song that you can put on when you feel like crying about this and need a jumpstart? Can you bookmark a particular song or cute animal picture or movie or GIF or book or essay that always makes you feel better (for after you’re done screaming or crying)?

Please believe me when I say that I love you with all my heart, and I’m rooting for you, and I’m so fucking proud of you.

Love, Dylan

Photo by Volkan Olmez

[helpmedylan]

When You Have a Probably-Harmless Crush

Dylan,

So here's maybe an easy question. I've been in a committed, monogamous relationship for years now, but I've recently developed a full-tilt crush on another person. It's probably harmless? But I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Needless to say my partner wouldn't be comfortable finding out about this. But it's just a harmless crush! Who is it hurting? I'm so confused?!

-Crushin’ It

Dear Crushin’ It,

Congratulations! You’re exactly like virtually every other human who has ever been in a committed, monogamous relationship for years on end! Sitcoms and rom-coms tell us that being in this situation is a Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing that can only result in cheating and heartbreak, but after awhile, having a crush whilst remaining in love with your person is pretty much par for the course. There is nothing wrong or abnormal whatsoever about developing a passing fancy for someone else.

Crushes also don’t mean you want to leave your partner for your crush. I’m not saying “crushing on” never overlaps with “would leave bae for” on a Venn Diagram, but in my extremely scientific estimation, the majority of crushes do not fall into the latter category. There are so many glorious ways to like people! Most of them are not actually relationship-threatening! Let us revel in the magic of human connection, desire, and enjoyment of one another, which is many-faceted and often uncategorizable!

Maybe I’m new-fashioned, but I tell my partner about all my crushes. It doesn’t make him uncomfortable; in fact, it makes him feel trusted and happy. I asked him, the first time, whether he’d want to know if I had a crush on someone. He thought about it and said, “I guess try telling me and we’ll find out?” I told him, he was happy I’d told him, and that was literally the end of the conversation. Telling him also allows my crushes to remain life-sized, rather than allowing their secrecy to feed them until they swell up to monster-sized proportions. Secrecy can be like steroids for crushes, but sharing them can let them stop being a focal point, or even dissipate altogether.

That said: Your Mileage May Very Much Vary. My ex could NOT handle hearing about my crushes; it would send him into a spiral of jealousy and insecurity. (Then again, I’m not with that fucking guy anymore, am I?) I know plenty of people in relationships who keep these things to themselves, or only share them with close friends. If that works for them, mazel tov. Personally, I would much rather know these things for sure, rather than try to guess at them if I observe my person having chemistry with someone else.

So...is it a given that your partner “wouldn’t be comfortable finding out about this”? Have they explicitly said as much? Was this something you discussed when you were getting together? If not, maybe it’s worth finding a way to talk about (without necessarily spilling the beans right away). Maybe your person has crushes they wanna tell you about, too!

What if you said something like, “I was reading this advice column today recommending that people tell their partners when they have a crush on someone else. I’m not sure how I feel about it.” (None of this is untrue!) See how your partner reacts! If they say, “I don’t agree with that,” there’s your answer right there. If they express openness to the idea that this is something couples can discuss openly, ask explicitly: “Would you want to know if I had a crush on someone else?” Then respect however they answer. If they don’t wanna know, they don’t wanna know, and you may have to content yourself with venting to a trusted friend about that hottie. But maybe they do wanna know!

Your crush is not a dirty thing. You haven’t done anything. You’re just fond of someone, and that’s actually a lovely thing. There may be more space in your life for that fondness than you realize.

Love, Dylan

Photo by Shelby Deeter

[helpmedylan]

When Your "Friend" Is Out of Jail for Child Porn

Dear Dylan,

About 12 years ago, a friend, L, was charged with and convicted of possession and distribution of child pornography. She was sent to prison, did her time, and has been out for a number of years. Though many of our mutual friends thought/think that the verdict was unfair, there is no doubt in my mind that she is guilty, and the verdict was accurate. The reason I say this is that after the trial, L's cousin M confided in me that after L had stayed in her home, M had to wipe her computer clean because she had found child porn on it. So child pornography had been on L's own computer, and another computer she had used. Many of our friends have always thought this unjust, and others have forgiven L and moved on. However, I have always been quite disturbed by this, and have kept L at a distance for many years.

I have always believed in second chances, and have been extremely grateful to the people who have allowed me to move beyond my transgressions. But child pornography is something different than an ordinary screw-up. I wonder, should I get over myself and find a way to move beyond my hang ups - she did her time after all, and was released. Or am I right to keep her at a distance? Thanks so much.

-Forgiving?

Dear Forgiving,

Why the fuck would you want this person back in your life?

You’ve told me literally nothing positive about L. No special memories you share, no redeeming qualities about her as a person, no “I miss her,” no evidence that she’s changed her ways, nothing. So what on earth are you missing out on by keeping her at a distance?

You are correct: child pornography is different than an “ordinary” screw-up. Your “friend” watched AND DISTRIBUTED footage of children getting violated. Why do you say “she did her time after all” as though this proves that your friend is reformed? As though our criminal justice system functions correctly and justly? As though her having been punished requires you to let her back into your life?

If you had written me and said, “I miss L so much, she was there for me through hard times, and I see evidence that the child pornography addiction was a thing of the past and that she truly regrets it,” we could maybe - MAYBE - have a different conversation. We could then, maybe, discuss re-establishing a connection with this person in a way that kept you safe. If we haven’t got the possibility of reformation, we haven’t got much.

But that’s not what’s going on here. I cannot detect a single particle of you that actually WANTS to be in touch with this person. All I can see is guilt about the fact that you’re not.

Stop telling yourself bullshit stories about your own goodness. You can be good and righteous and loving without letting this child porn-using person back into your life. You do not need to feel guilty about maintaining this boundary. You do not need to “earn” the forgiveness that other people have granted you in your life by opening yourself up to L. You do not need to do anything. You don’t even need to do the work of cutting this person out of your life, because she’s not in it. Don’t. Do. Anything.

Lovingly, Dylan

(Photo by William Iven)

[helpmedylan]

When Your Partner's Friend Is Depressed and Destructive

Dear Dylan,

My partner J has a friend L who lives a few hours drive away.  J and L knew each other for a little over a year before J and I got together a few years ago.  They were both in a bad place mentally when they first met online.  They used to talk on the phone or video chat for hours almost every night.  When J and I first got together, they would still talk a decent amount, but by now they don't talk much at all.  I think L was interested in J, and while I try not to be paranoid, I have seen her try a few times, unsuccessfully, to drive a wedge between J and me in the past.  Needless to say, I am not a big fan of L.

Additionally, L is a raging alcoholic who has been to rehab before but didn't really take it seriously. She's often depressed and talks regularly about suicide.  She is a big fan of guns and owns many.  Her house has been in danger of foreclosure for a while, she got a DWI and had her license suspended temporarily, and while she is usually single, she intermittently dates people even more unstable than herself, which never ends well.

I feel really bad for L and I don't want L to kill herself, which I see as a very realistic possibility. But I don't like her. At all.

J isn't so great with staying in touch with friends, so I try to remind her to call L periodically, but lately J has been avoiding making these calls.  She says that she doesn't want to have another hour or longer call of L talking about how shitty everything is and saying "goodbye" in a dozen different, ominous ways.  I have coached J in the past with what to say to L when she gets like this but it's always the same broken record kind of conversation.  J seemed annoyed the last few times I reminded her that she may want to check in with L, so I recently asked if she wants me to stop reminding her, and she said yes.

I know that L is not my friend and therefore, this is not my problem, and even if she were my friend, there probably isn't a whole lot I could do.  But even if there's nothing I can do...I wonder what I can do!  I am a problem solver and an empath.  It makes me feel so bad that L is suffering with such severe depression (something I've regularly struggled with in my past), and I wish I could help ease her pain somehow. But I simultaneously can't stand her as a person.

I don't even know what my question really is here... but... advice? Please?

-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

You’ve answered your own non-question: This is not your problem, and there’s nothing you can do.

I mean, not nothing. You could call this hotline and see what they say. But as a general rule, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get better. L needs doctors and a real support network, not a failed cyber-bae and her disdainful partner. Neither you nor J can give L what she needs.

Let it go. Blast some Frozen and sing along: Let it gooooooo. Not only is L not your problem, but your contempt for her is clear: You tell me over and over that you are “not a big fan,” “don’t like her,” “can’t stand her.” And your partner seems to have tired of her as well. So, why spend precious time and energy on her? It sounds to me like your insistence on sustained contact with L is a big show for your partner, to demonstrate how cool and tolerant and not-jealous you are. But it’s up to J what friendships she chooses to let go of, and it sounds like this is one you’d be happier not having in your periphery.

Stop telling yourself bullshit stories about your own goodness. Pushing your partner to hold onto this friendship is not about your empathy and problem-solving, it’s about your need to feel good about yourself. Listen: if L does eventually kill herself, it will never be anything but L’s decision, for which she is entirely responsible. And I think you know that. But you also wanna know that it wasn’t your fault, dang it! Because you were being a Good Person and looking out for queers with mental illnesses, even the ones you really really don’t like, because you’re the Bigger Person! You know on some level that this is bullshit. Cut the masochism and find other ways to be a Good Person. Her life is not and never was in your hands.

Do I sound incredibly callous right now? Let me give you some context. After I left my ex, he emailed me and told me he was suicidal, that every moment of his life had become a struggle not to kill himself. When I called him in a panic, he told me he wasn’t going to kill himself, but convinced me to come over. As I sobbed and begged him to stay alive, he just shrugged and said, “I mean, are you really surprised?” I was supposed to have expected this. I was supposed to have known that leaving him would endanger his life, so I was a bad person for leaving him. He then tried to get me to cuddle with him - which, if past attempted breakups with him were any indication, would have led to him kissing me and initiating sex, and us getting back together. I said no.

He wasn’t fucking suicidal; he just wanted to keep me on the hook. And I’m not sure L is suicidal, either. It seems from your letter that the only reason J has kept reaching out to L, and the only reason you encourage her to do so, is because L has made so many veiled references to saying “goodbye.” These vague, ominous threats have kept a steady stream of attention and compassion coming to L, so for her, they’re worth keeping up. But it sounds like J has had enough, and I don’t blame her.

I do feel for L quite a bit. Depression is no joke. Addiction is no joke. Trying to stay afloat in this cruel and heartless world is no joke. But you’ve also given me no indication that J’s conversations with L have been any help, seeing as it’s always the same conversation. If she does become a danger to herself, she needs to go to an emergency room. Barring that, it’s not J’s job or yours to make sure she keeps herself alive. And you know it.

The world is burning. We need all our strength right now, and it sounds like L drains both yours and your partner’s. If you want to look out for queers with mental illnesses, there are a million organizations that you can volunteer with, and none of those kids that you end up tutoring or mentoring or fundraising for will have tried to sabotage your relationship.

Thank you for trying to take care of your tribe. Thank you for caring. You can let this go. You will still be good.

Love, Dylan

(Photo by Toa Heftiba)

[helpmedylan]

The Good Ones

To myself and to you: Let go of your need to be One Of The Good Ones. The world will not end if you find out that, despite your best intentions, you haven't been. Keep listening. Be willing to adjust how you act according to new information. Never assume that your good intentions protect you from accountability. Never assume that you have landed solidly in The Land Of The Good Ones, even if someone else tells you that you have. No such land exists. Keep growing forever. Which requires that you take as a given that you're always smaller than you could be, and that's okay. You're gonna screw up. Apologize when necessary but don't make your apology someone else's burden, forcing someone else to comfort you for your guilt. Move forward. It's okay.

[helpmedylan]

[helpmedylan]

When Your Coworkers Really Really Don’t Get You

Dear Dylan,

Lately I feel like my coworkers and I don't get each other on a fundamental level. I work in an office where socializing is becoming semi-mandatory. Lately at our weekly cafe/bar sit, I've noticed that almost nothing I say is received the way I intend. Not that I've offended anyone or been dismissed personally yet, just that the stories about my life and the office don't go over as planned. Everyone's about as engaged as they would be for anyone else, but the story that would make my best friend fall out of her seat laughing has them going "oh no - how awful, are you ok?" I wish I could give you a better example, or simplify it into a “they love what I hate” or “they're down on what I feel optimistic about,” but instead, responses from this group to me and to each other feel just so out of left field and unpredictable to me. I don't drink at these occasions and social lubricant of that sort isn't a good fit for me, but about half the group also doesn't drink most of the time. I don't feel left out, I just feel bewildered, unsteady, and in this particularly place, potentially socially inept. Do you have any advice for code switching when the code is impossible to break? Or saying forget code switching, but still not being misread by people who don't get you?

-Feeling like an alien on my own planet

Dear Alien,

This has been my experience in social groups for about 99.9% of my life. It’s part of why I kind of hate groups, unless I’ve chosen the members of the group myself. Everyone else always seems in on some code or language or secret that I haven’t been let in on, and it’s felt that way since I was a kid.

Sadly, there is no magic bullet, no secret to suddenly clicking with your coworkers. They are clearly Not Quite Your People, at least not yet. That’s OK. Not everyone needs to be Your People. If they were, that’d be exhausting. But since socializing with them is semi-mandatory, let’s figure out how to make these interactions a little easier.

First, I’d advise that you really, really listen to your coworkers when you’re out together. Don’t listen to the panicked voice in your head that tells you that you’re a fish out of water right now. Listen to their stories and jokes closely, and also to their nonverbal cues. In a best-case scenario, this would eventually teach you Their Ways and allow their unique language and sense of humor to sink in for you. If not, at the very least, it’ll give you something to do with your mind and your focus other than think, “God, they’re really not getting me.” Plus, people love being listened to and noticed! Who knows, maybe they’re the ones who feel misunderstood by you, and concentrated study might fix that!

Also pay attention to who else in the group is being silent or not contributing as much to the conversation. Does this person maybe feel the way you do? Is this a potential ally?

Can you bring a non-work friend to a work outing sometime, who can help you feel more like yourself and let your coworkers see a different side of you? Maybe someone who works in the neighborhood?

Do you all just need more time to learn each other?

Are there other ways in which you feel more comfortable shooting the shit with them, like GChat? Can you keep those conversations going while you’re on the clock so you have more to talk and relate to each other about afterwards?

Do you secretly feel superior to them? Do you secretly feel inferior to them? (These are the same exact thought pattern and they’re both factually inaccurate. Breathe and remind yourself of that.)

What if you just said exactly what was on your mind? Like in the example you gave me: “No, I’m totally fine. See, to me that story is hilarious. No, don’t be concerned about me, it was amazing.” Or whatever. What if you call attention to the dissonance so they can start to learn your language?

Would you feel more comfortable having a solo side conversation with just one person while the rest of the group is carrying on?

Do you need to take up, or pretend to take up, an evening activity so that you can excuse yourself from the group hang after an hour?

Are other people in the group maybe having this experience too?

The good news is, it sounds like your coworkers genuinely like you and enjoy having you around. So you’re in a good position for things to get easier. Trust that everyone is acting in good faith and take it one hangout at a time.

Love, Dylan

(Photo by Elisabetta Foco.)

[ecc-poetry]

In other words

(My first actual creation specifically for Art Trumps Hate 30/30. Sorry for the blur!)

[helpmedylan]

“A Queer’s Prayer” by Joshua Conkel

Mothers and fathers passed, You bitches, you queens, you freaks, you beauties. Let your music, your art, your work and words, Be my guide this New Year. Let me fear not and hate less. Let me not be harassed or beaten down or killed for another year. Let me contribute. Let me make work. Let me offer myself. Let me contribute. Let me make work. Let me offer myself. Let me contribute. Let me make work. Let me offer myself. Let me be a gift offered, not a thing for sale. Watch over me in this dark hour. And let me bask, if not in the warmth of safety, then at least in art.

Photo by Dmitry Kotov.

[helpmedylan]

When You Have Herpes

Hey Dylan,

I just found out I have Herpes Type I and II. I'm 24, so who knows how long I've had it. As a gay man with a non-traditional body type, things are already hard for me - and I’m worried that now things are going to be even harder and that I'm gonna end up settling for less. It's also hard because I'm not totally into the idea of monogamy just yet after getting out of a monogamous relationship with a garbage person. I know herpes isn't the end of the world, but the stigma sucks. How do I cope?

-Herp de Derp

Dear Herp,

The good news is, you are far from alone. Most of the adult population has Type I already; 80-90% of adults will have it by their 50th birthday. And about 1 in 4 gay men have Type II. We live in a heterosexist dystopia so gay herpes stats are hard to hunt down, but for straight men, the chance of getting it from an infected partner - even if the sex is unprotected - is just 4%; add in condoms and meds and it goes down to 1%. So keep these stats in your back pocket (maybe literally - would little herpes fact cards be too cheeky?). It doesn’t necessarily mean that future partners won’t rub their fear and stigma all over you, but some knee-jerk reactions might soften when you throw facts at ‘em. And since this is so common, you very easily might bump into someone who’s going through the same thing.

That said: Yes, the worst part of this is absolutely going to be the stigma. Other people’s judge-y-ness and reticence to engage with you will probably present themselves a lot more often than your symptoms will. Downside: I cannot protect you from this. Upside: you’ll end up sleeping with a lot fewer judge-y people who don’t understand how STIs work, and that’s probably good.

Another downside: I don’t know how to tell you how to make it less hard to be a gay man with a “non-traditional” body type trying to get his groove on. If I had ironclad advice for getting laid more often, certain eras of my twenties would have gone a lot differently. There are apps, there are kissing parties (Google it), there are other cute gay boys with “non-traditional” bodies, and I assume you know all this. But as far as your herpes plays into all this, my advice is to let people know your status before anyone goes home with anyone else. That way, you don’t have to deal with the horrible situation of being in bed with someone who refuses to touch you. The way you avoid settling is, you don’t share this information with people you don’t want to fuck.

Also, just in case this was on your mind: You are not dirty. You are not sick. You have a virus now that might occasionally make you physically uncomfortable - but also might not; the first outbreak is often the worst, and some people never get another one after that. Herpes is a beaten-to-death punchline in pop culture, an ostensibly hilariously horrible punishment for the promiscuous, but take out the stigma and it often doesn’t actually change your life that much. So be honest, be safe, and be a magical slutface if you like, but your life isn’t over. Tons of fantastic sex with other magical slutfaces who are totally fine with your status awaits you; I promise they’re out there.

Love, Dylan

Photo by Kiệt Hí

[helpmedylan]

When the World Is Fucking Ending and You’re Scared For Your Life

Dylan...

I don't know what to do.  I don't know if there is anything you can say to help me.

I didn't see the election results as even remotely possible.  I fear for my life, and the lives of many people I know and don't know.  I am scared.

People around me don't seem as scared... at least not as much as I think they should be.  Everyone pretty much went back to normal a few days after the election.  I can't get back there.  I feel like the world is ending.  My world is ending.  As a queer person who was raised Jewish, I see this as the beginning of the end.  This is how it started in Germany.  Someone rose to power on a platform of hating various groups.  Then hate became law.  I might be sent to a camp or become the victim of a hate crime in the next few years.  People I know are joking, laughing, having fun.  Queer people, Muslim people, POC.  How?  How can they just go on?

Even my therapist seems convinced that "it can't happen here because people have their eyes wide open this time," which baffles me.  Do they really?  They don't seem to!  We're talking about registering Muslims, deporting undocumented immigrants and breaking up families, criminalizing abortion and potentially birth control, turning the United States into a Christian extremist nation, no different from many Middle-Eastern countries that the government is so afraid of for their religious extremism.  This whole thinly-veiled alt-right white supremacy bullshit has me in agony.  How did we get here?

I am usually an active member of my community, advocating very openly in the public eye.  But since the election, I've essentially gone silent.  I can't muster any positive or optimistic feelings.  I can't tell people there's even a chance it will be okay.  I don't think it will be.  I feel like there is a knife twisting inside me.

I am working on applying to immigrate to another country, but I'm not convinced I will be successful.  Leaving feels like giving up on my country, but it feels like we passed the point of no return very quickly.  I can't even look at the news anymore without crying.  I've cut out a huge amount of news and social media from my life because I just can't deal.   I'm tearing up at work writing to you now.  I don't feel safe when I go outside.

Short of being lucky enough to be able to leave, what can I do?  How do I stop looking over my shoulder obsessively, feeling like each moment might be my last?

-Terrified

Dear Terrified,

I feel you. Boy oh boy, do I feel you.

The morning of November 9, I felt like I was made out of concrete. I felt like there was no point to anything, to getting out of bed, to eating, to even being awake. I posted rage-notes on Facebook all day. “America, you have taught me that my body is a thing to trample.” “America, how am I supposed to feel safe within you now?” “HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”

My friends raged along with me. We mourned and we screamed and we raged. We knew that it was the abrupt and horrifying end of an era, that we were about to learn in no uncertain terms how good we’d had it with Obama. I realized how much I’d taken him for granted. I realized that I’d simply assumed that history would keep marching forward and our society would keep improving and the Republican party would be forced to adapt or die. I realized I’d been a fucking privileged little fool who thought that she and her country were exempt from, like, all of history.

But on November 10, a beautiful thing happened: Google Docs started popping up EVERYWHERE. Crowdsourced information. Call sheets with scripts and information for calling your representatives. Information on expediting marriages and citizenship, measures to take to protect yourself from a sudden loss of health insurance. And every single day since then, multiple friends of mine have posted calls to action on Facebook. Petitions to sign. Phone numbers for representatives. How to email the electoral college. How to thank Kellogg’s for pulling their ads from Breitbart. How to send supplies to the Standing Rock protesters. On and on and on and on.

They took action. They woke the fuck up. They got to work. And that’s what you’ve got to do now.

I know that the world is a horrifying place right now, but you will only remain frozen in your fear if you keep leaning out. Do something every single day to fight this. Every single day. Call a representative, sign a petition, throw five bucks to some underfunded nonprofit that the world is gonna need way more come January. And you can (and should) still do all this even if you emigrate elsewhere.

It’s going to require staying at least somewhat informed, so that you know what to fight. It’s going to require some engagement. I know that engaging is a huge and hideous task right now, especially since a new horrifying precedent-smashing thing happens literally every day. But I promise you: fighting back will feel better than not fighting back. It doesn’t feel good, per se. It doesn’t make the bottomless pit of dread and terror in your stomach go away. But it might shrink it a little bit. That’s not nothing.

Your friends who are joking and laughing might be “over it,” or they might be practicing self-preservation so that they have more strength to fight. I urge you to take a page from their book. Having fun doesn’t mean that the world is OK. It doesn’t mean that the new administration is anything other than seriously fucking dangerous. It just means that you’ve decided not to let Donald Trump take all your joy away right now.

Don’t borrow tragedy just yet. Donald Trump might literally be another Hitler, or he might be an ineffective dumpster fire who can’t get his shit together enough to follow through on any of the hateful legislation he promised. Only time will tell. Sitting with uncertainty is wildly uncomfortable, I know, and sometimes feels impossible. But accounting for both possibilities is not the same as dismissing a threat. You can push back against the darkness and still let there be light in your life. Fight Trump as though the world might end; live your life as though it might not.

I wish this wasn’t the world we lived in. I wish you didn’t have to write me letters like this. I wish I could tell you this was all just a bad dream. But here we are.

Will you join the resistance with me?

Love, Dylan

PS: Dylan is on Patreon now! Join my community here.

Photo by Dawn Armfield.

[helpmedylan]

When You’re Enamored with a Camgirl

Dear Dylan,

I somewhat recently started visiting a popular cams site, mostly in lieu of other venues for naked girls. On day three or four I stumbled into a room that at first didn't seem much different from most others. It had a pretty girl in it. I chatted with her and the other folks in the room a little, tipped the girl, whatever. I don't think I realized I was enamored yet. I kept returning to her room, though. Some time passes. She and I end up talking, at least a little, every day outside the cam site. I believe that had I met her in real life, we'd be actual friends. She's smart, we have a similar sense of humor, I enjoy talking to her (and I think she enjoys talking to me). I realize I've got a real-actual crush on this girl. I don't like, legitimately fantasize that somehow she'll be my girlfriend, but it's sort of a weird mix of puppy love and "I also get to see her naked very frequently." Maybe there's not a question or legitimate plea for advice here, but I've been thinking about this for a while. Maybe I just want someone else's perspective? Things are never really going to move forward from where I'm at - I've earned a friend. I'm pretty content with that. But it's hard to reconcile that friendship with the more sexual, somewhat-mercantile relationship between a cam girl and her... patrons? Maybe this is a ramble. I don't know. -Enamored with a Camgirl

Dear Enamored,

I wouldn’t even necessarily say you’ve “earned a friend.” You have a friendly relationship with a vendor who provides you with a service. You are correct in that it ends there.

I think the popular wisdom about why you should never, ever hit on a waitress goes here too. Women who are in a vulnerable relationship to the public (and to the harassment of gross awful men), like waitresses and camgirls, just want to do business with you and go home. They do not want to be flirted with or asked out. They do not want to know about your crush.

Who knows, maybe this camgirl has curated an incredibly progressive and respectful fanbase and never interacts with assholes. But, more likely, she’s had to deal with creepsters who feel entitled to her time and attention, and maybe even respond violently when they don’t get what they feel they are owed. Do not become one of them.

Do not tell her your feelings. Do not try to make this anything other than what it is. WYSIWYG. When your brain starts going in circles and daydreaming about her, find something else to look at or read or think about. Move along. Nothing to see here.

And, perhaps, you might want to spend more time with women in-person. Take a class or go to a meetup or sign up for the dating service of your choice. It’s a great big beautiful world out there, full of women with whom you do not have a vendor-customer relationship. An astounding number of those women are both fantastic and single. Have a great time.

Love,

Dylan

Photo by Lorenzo Cafaro.

[ecc-poetry]

Revenge

Since you mention it, I think I will start that race war. I could’ve swung either way? But now I’m definitely spending the next 4 years converting your daughters to lesbianism; I’m gonna eat all your guns. Swallow them lock stock and barrel and spit bullet casings onto the dinner table; I’ll give birth to an army of mixed-race babies. With fathers from every continent and genders to outnumber the stars, my legion of hapa babies will be intersectional as fuck and your swastikas will not be enough to save you, because real talk, you didn’t stop the future from coming. You just delayed our coronation. We have the same deviant haircuts we had yesterday; we are still getting gay-married like nobody’s business because it’s still nobody’s business; there’s a Muslim kid in Kansas who has already written the schematic for the robot that will steal your job in manufacturing, and that robot? Will also be gay, so get used to it: we didn’t manifest the mountain by speaking its name, the buildings here are not on your side just because you make them spray-painted accomplices. These walls do not have genders and they all think you suck. Even the earth found common ground with us in the way you bootstrap across us both, oh yeah: there will be signs, and rainbow-colored drum circles, and folks arguing ideology until even I want to punch them but I won’t, because they’re my family, in that blood-of-the-covenant sense. If you’ve never loved someone like that you cannot outwaltz us, we have all the good dancers anyway. I’ll confess I don’t know if I’m alive right now; I haven’t heard my heart beat in days, I keep holding my breath for the moment the plane goes down and I have to save enough oxygen to get my friends through. But I finally found the argument against suicide and it’s us. We’re the effigies that haunt America’s nights harder the longer they spend burning us, we are scaring the shit out of people by spreading, by refusing to die: what are we but a fire? We know everything we do is so the kids after us will be able to follow something towards safety; what can I call us but lighthouse, of course I’m terrified. Of course I’m a shroud. And of course it’s not fair but rest assured, anxious America, you brought your fists to a glitter fight. This is a taco truck rally and all you have is cole slaw. You cannot deport our minds; we won’t hold funerals for our potential. We have always been what makes America great.

-e.c.c.

[helpmedylan]

Dylan on hiatus

Dear ones,

I’m not going to hide it: your friendly neighborhood Dylan is shattered by the results of the recent election, and I’m going to need a little break from this advice column.

I know that we need love and empathy and social justice and all the things I try to espouse in my columns, and I do plan to come back in a few (weeks? months?) and keep telling you all what to do. But right now, I need to grieve for my country. Questions about whether boys like you or what to do about an annoying friend just feel horrifyingly small right now.

I know that life goes on, that we will all still need our hands held, and I will try to keep being a voice of reason in the darkness. If you’re interested in calls to action, I’ll be posting a ton of those on my Facebook page. I’m also active (though less so) on Twitter.

I’ll see you when I see you. Keep loving each other and holding each other tight. Love is the only way out of this mess.

Love, Dylan

[helpmedylan]

When Your Partner Makes More Money Than You Do

Dear Dylan,

I moved in with T 2 years ago. At the time, I was coming from a much smaller (read: cheaper) place into their slightly larger (read: pricey AF), better-located place. So I brought less stuff. I pay less rent. I take up less space. I make less changes to our space, and lately I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to have space of my own again. This feels unfair to T who has been a loving, supportive partner.

When I moved in, I felt like I was accepting charity, and I tried to be as humble and quiet and non-disruptive as possible. Now, I regret those choices. This all came to a head a couple weeks ago when T paid for help to rearrange and redecorate our bedroom as a surprise for me. Everyone is telling me how sweet and considerate this was, especially since I'd expressed my dissatisfactions about the apartment and my fantasies about a different place to T, but I hated all the changes. Especially the changes that canceled out the place I used to like to sit, the view to the window I loved waking up to, and my ability to navigate the room at night when I need to pee, without splitting my own shin on a decorative (bleeping useless) box.

T, being the loving caring partner that T is, has agreed to revise the space to make it better for me, even offering to pay for the changes/change-backs, which has opened up a conversation about the way we live. I want to ask for too much. I want to ask for half in our relationship, but I'm not contributing half. I love my job and don't want to give it up for something more financially rewarding. I love this relationship, but I want to live in a place where my stuff can literally take up as much space as my partner's stuff.

-J

Dear J,

I have been you, and I have been T. Both positions have their own unique suckitude. But you’ve got a loving caring partner in T, which means you’re gonna figure something out. This does not mean, however, that the solution is going to be simple.

I don’t know who “everyone” is, who says it’s “sweet” to rearrange your bedroom without consulting you, but they are WRONG. Who DOES that?! That is an incredibly misguided, horrible attempt at a grand gesture. T, while having spectacular intentions, is not thinking things through from your perspective at all, and is going to need some hand-holding on this whole empathy thing. But that’s OK! We can do this!

You make less money at your job. You’re going to keep making less money at your job for the foreseeable future. Those are facts. So, you pay less than your partner on rent; another fact. But these “facts” do not automatically indebt you to your partner; it sounds like T isn’t holding this rent-differential over your head, so you shouldn’t either. Assuming T lived alone before you moved in, you’re even saving T some money on what they would otherwise have been paying on rent. In fact, if you pay the same now as when you lived alone, then you’re actually the one who has given up more: you’re saving T money on rent, while paying the same amount as before and having less personal space. If you think of it that way, there’s no reason you should shrink yourself or ask for less in your relationship.

That said, it might be necessary for your own sanity to contribute something else to the household so that you feel like an equal participant. Giving more rather than taking less. Maybe this means you do a little more housework than T, or that if there is a shitty phone call to make to the cable company that you take it on, or that if you mutually agree that the bathroom needs to be painted blue then you do more of the painting. Personally, I don’t think you need to feel justified in taking up an equal amount of space, and I think T would agree with me. But if you feel like something needs to change externally so you can stop feeling that imbalance, find something you don’t mind doing that makes T’s life better and do more of it. Redefine for yourself what “contributing half” might mean.

Or, you could start a side hustle so you make more money. Get Bullish has a ton of great advice on side hustles, even if you already work full-time. You might not want a side hustle, but have you seriously considered it before? Have you sat down and made a list of “things people need” and “things I could do” and looked for overlap?

Whatever you do, absolutely ask for half. Your relationship will implode otherwise, because you’re just going to resent T, even as they love you and want to give you what you want. Resentful relationship sabotage, for you, is 100% avoidable. If some of T’s stuff needs to be replaced by furniture you guys pick out and pay for together, or to go into storage so you can take up more space, or if you need to throw out that “bleeping useless” box or paint something a better color or hang more shit on more walls, then for fuck’s sake, DO that! Take up your share of the space! Maybe as T is re-setting your space (which they should absolutely pay for, because it was their mistake), they can make some other adjustments which allow you to occupy your living space more fully.

Feeling at home in the place you live is not optional. Make it happen.

Love, Dylan

Photo credit: Vitaly Taranov

[helpmedylan]

WHOEVER SENT IN THE QUESTION ABOUT HAVING AN ECONOMIC DISPARITY BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER: One of the 4 parts of your question got deleted. Can you re-send please? -Dylan