Astarion, & the tadfools, have just finished watching the movie, Titanic
The credits are rolling & My Heart Will Go On is now playing
The credits begin to roll. āMy Heart Will Go Onā fills the room.
Gale rises from the couch and, with nothing short of solemn dignity, pulls out a notebook. He flips through it with complete seriousness before clearing his throat.
āRight. First of all, the shipās structural failure was historically inaccurate, and Iām quite certain the collapse was heavily dramatized to add even more pathos to the sinking.
Second, the pacing of the romance is rather implausible. The protagonists have known each other forā¦ what? Two days? Three at most? And theyāre already proclaiming eternal love. Frankly, itās terribly rushed.
Third, Cal is almost entirely devoid of psychological nuance. I understand the narrative necessity of an antagonist, but a little emotional complexity would have greatly benefited the story.
Fourth, the film leans far too heavily on the symbolism of the ship as a metaphor for human hubris, but the point was already perfectly clearāā
āTskāva!ā Laeāzelās exclamation cut Galeās monologue short. āDo you intend to go on much longer, wizard?ā
āWell, this is only the first of four pages,ā Gale replied matter-of-factly.
āNonsense! The captain displayed appalling military leadership, isātark. The iceberg should have been engaged immediately.ā
Gale inhaled sharply and raised a finger, clearly debating whether to correct her or not.
āā¦Itās an iceberg,ā he said at last, in the interest of academic accuracy.
āBallistae,ā Laeāzel insisted.
āAnd if that proved insufficient, a boarding party,ā the githyanki continued, chin held high, looking thoroughly satisfied with her strategy.
āBut itās a floating mountain of ice!ā Gale exclaimed.
Laeāzel merely shrugged.
āIt was clearly hostile. The captain should have struck first.ā
āYouāve just watched a three-hour love story, and thatās your takeaway?ā Karlach interjected, her voice trembling.
Even Gale let his notebook slip from his hands, momentarily at a loss for words.
āChk! What?ā Laeāzel scoffed. āWasnāt it a story about a ship full of softlings who failed to adapt to a crisis?? Naturally they died. The sea merely judged them unworthy of survival.ā
Karlach let out an incoherent wailāsomething that sounded vaguely like, āI canāt believe itāābetween sobs, tightening her grip around her two companions and crying without the slightest restraint.
Wyll sniffled as he fought to keep his tears at bay.
Astarion, somehow wedged between them in an almost suffocating embrace without the faintest idea how heād ended up there, rolled his eyes.
Then he cleared his throat.
Wyll and Karlach immediately sprang apart, suddenly aware of what they were doing. Astarion dusted off his sleeves with theatrical dignity. Then he raised a finger and pointed it accusingly at his companions.
āFor the recordā¦ā he announced, āI was not crying.ā
He looked first at Karlach, his finger following in her direction.
āI was being crushed.ā
Then he turned to Wyll, lazily shifting the accusing finger toward him.
āAnd emotionally assaulted by this appalling display of," he hesitated, wrinkling both his nose and lips into an expression of utter disgust. āWhatever this was,ā he concluded.
Karlach and Wyll exchanged a puzzled glance.
āYou hugged me back,ā Karlach protested.
āYou held on even tighter, Astarion,ā the tiefling pointed out.
āā¦It was a complicated maneuver.ā
āAnd your eyes are all red,ā Wyll added with a mischievous little smile.
āA simple allergy,ā Astarion shot back.
āLove stories,ā the vampire spawn declared with a dismissive flick of his hand.
With a wistful sigh and a gentle shake of his head, Wyll chose to ignore Astarionās increasingly implausible excuses and drifted back to the memory of the film.
āBut what about the romance?ā he said dreamily. āThe way they stood together at the bow of the shipā¦ the chase through the flooding corridorsā¦ how they refused to abandon each other even as everything around them was falling apart.ā
He placed a hand over his heart.
āJack was a true hero. He gave up his place on that piece of driftwood without a momentās hesitation. He chose certain death so Rose could liveā¦ so she could have the chance to grow old, to tell their story, to keep living for the both of them.ā
āThatās the kind of sacrifice bards should sing about for generations.ā
āJack was a complete idiot,ā Astarion replied.
Wyll stared at him in utter disbelief.
āIf Iād been Rose, Iād have shoved him into the water myself. At those temperatures, trying to keep him alive was simply too risky. He could have dragged me into the freezing water with him.ā
He paused to consider it.
āAnd if Iād been Jack, Iād have pushed her off and claimed the raft for myself.ā
Karlach slammed a foot onto the floor and forcefully inserted herself between the vampire spawn and the Blade of Frontiers. Veins bulged in her neck, every muscle in her body tensed, and she wore the unmistakable expression of a barbarian seconds away from flying into a rage.
āJack froze to death because NEITHER OF THEM TOOK THIRTY DAMN SECONDS TO TEST THE BUOYANCY OF THAT STUPID DOOR! THATāS WHAT HAPPENED!ā
She jabbed an accusing finger at the screen.
āTHEY BOTH WOULDāVE FIT ON THAT GODSDAMN RAFT! AND NONE OF YOU SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT!ā
A murmur rose between Laeāzel and Gale as they exchanged thoughtful nods.
āI must admit,ā Gale said, raising a finger, āif we estimate the surface area of the door, its average thickness, and account for the buoyant force exerted by seawaterā¦ā
He paused, already mentally performing the calculations.
āā¦assuming an even distribution of weight and proper positioning to avoid compromising the center of buoyancy, which, incidentalāā
At that exact moment, Shadowheart jolted awake.
The empty wine goblet slipped from her hand and rolled across the floor, a thin crimson trail spilling from the last drops that clung to its rim.
The cleric blinked. Once. Twice.
Her gaze slowly swept across the room, lingering on each of her companions as they all talked over one another in utter chaos.
Karlach was still crying unabashedly, passionately insisting that the door had been more than big enough for two people.
Wyll seemed to be pouring every ounce of his conviction into explaining to Astarion that Jackās sacrifice transcended mere survivalāthat it embodied the very ideals of chivalry, love, honor, and selflessness.
Astarion kept scoffing, occasionally rubbing at his still-reddened eyes whenever he thought no one was looking, while vehemently denying every accusation that he had been even remotely moved by the film.
Gale had somehow procured yet another sheet of parchment and was sketching a cross-section of the Titanic while muttering equations about buoyancy under his breath. An entire section of notes had already been devoted to the final raft and its actual load-bearing capacity.
Meanwhile, Laeāzel was demonstrating what she confidently referred to as āthe optimal tactical formation for engaging an iceberg.ā
Shadowheart simply stared.
āā¦What did I miss? I think I passed out around that ridiculous āKing of the Worldā scene at the bow.ā
āYou missed the ending! Jack froze to death!ā Karlach sniffled. āHe saved Roseā¦ā
She picked up her goblet, reached for the bottle of wine, and filled it. She considered it for a moment. Then topped it off a little more.
āIāll wait until you all start behaving like normal people.ā
Just to be sure, she gave the room one last once-over, seriously considering whether her goblet might be due for a third refill.
Laeāzel was still explaining how a well-coordinated volley of ballistae could have neutralized the icebergāparticularly if it had been properly surrounded.
Gale had long since abandoned the ship altogether and was now devising an alternative evacuation plan involving an elaborate network of teleportation circles, while lamenting that no one had thought to hire at least one competent wizard.
Astarion still maintained that Jack had been an absolute fool. He should have seduced Rose, acquired the Heart of the Ocean, and disappeared into the night. Falling in love had been his first mistake. The second, of course, was failing to push Rose into the water first.
Karlach was desperately trying to convince Wyll that she could prove her theory once and for all with a door, a lake, and two willing volunteers.
Wyll, meanwhile, seemed far more interested in composing a ballad of his own entitled The Last Breath of Jack Dawson.
Shadowheart quietly refilled her goblet for the third time before taking a long, resigned sip of wine.
āā¦No.ā Another sip. āI think Iāll just keep drinking.ā
She drained the goblet in one swallow and studied it in silence for a long moment, slowly turning it between her fingers as though expecting it to offer some profound insight.
She shrugged, tossed it onto the floor once more, and took a long swig straight from the bottle.
Okay, I think I may have gone a tiny bit overboard with the insanity.
You absolutely cannot send me asks like this! xD
My hopelessly broken brain immediately went sprinting into the glorious lands of complete nonsenseā¦ which, as you may have noticed, is basically my favorite genre.
I love it.
I absolutely love writing utter nonsense. Thank goodness it existsāit does wonders for my soul.
Alright, Iāll stop rambling now. See you all next time I decide to write something completely unhinged!
