John Mulaney stops by The Tonight Show

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Sweet Seals For You, Always
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@hemmo199
John Mulaney stops by The Tonight Show
The freedom of speech being taken away by an official member of the government
If anyone was curious on how to contact his office
“I’ve NEVER. Eaten a DONUT. In my ENTIRE LIFE. And I’m NOT. About to start NOW.”
-Crazy customer I had today, upon being offered a complimentary donut
Why is this a real thing that happened in the real world what’s the meaning of this
I’m just gonna copy paste the story here from discord because honestly the whole story is worth hearing
so lady comes through drive thru. “Hi what can I get for you?” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese.” “A sesame bagel with extra cream cheese, sure no problem, can I get you anything else today?” “No” “Alright, you can pull up” and I just hear this quiet disgrunted “ ‘Please’ ?” I’m like uhhhhh, was that even directed at me, I don’t know, I don’t know how to respond to that so I just ignore it like I didn’t hear it. I go up to the window and see this woman, which she honestly looked like a tomato with messy gray hair. Before I have the window halfway open I see her roll her eyes at me so I’m like oh boy here we go, time to put on the stupid sweet customer voice “Hi how are you today?” She hands me the money for her bagel and goes “Just a tip. It’s ‘Please pull up to the window.’ not ‘pull up.’ I found that incredibly rude.” I go “I’m sorry about that, I didn’t intend for that to be rude, I just meant that it was okay to pull up to the window now.” “I know what you meant. But it was rude.” “Well, I apologize. Here’s your bagel, have a great day.” She goes “I’m a MYSTERY SHOPPER.” (If you don’t have Mystery shoppers where you are, it’s kind of like undercover boss where the store owner hires someone through the Mystery shopper program and they place a regular order just to make sure people are following policy) I’m like “… ok” So I’m about to tell my boss and coworker what just happened when she comes in. And I jump to the front counter because no way I’m letting her talk to my boss before I do. “Hi, can I help you?” “Yes. This bagel was supposed to be NOT toasted. You toasted it.” “Ohh, I’m so sorry about that! I didn’t hear that. I’ll make you a new one right now.” Coworker beats me to the bagel and I say “A little extra cream cheese on that.” She looks at my boss “She just said a LITTLE cream cheese. I wanted EXTRA cream cheese.” Boss goes “Oh, she said a little extra cream cheese.” “Oh” Boss goes into kiss ass mode as well and says, “I’m sorry about the mistake, would you like a donut?” Lady goes “I’ve never. Eaten a donut. In my ENTIRE LIFE. and I’m NOT. About to start NOW.” Boss is like “… ok” and we’re all internally going sdhakgsdgkja?
So we get the bagel out and she says to my boss “And I have one more thing to say.” She leans in with a sneer. “Mystery shopper.” boss goes “We don’t do that here.” “yea you do.” “No we don’t.” “yea you do.” “Have a good day.”
Basically we’re pretty sure the lady was crazy and she was absolutely lying because Mystery shoppers are not allowed to tell you that they’re mystery shoppers, and they aren’t allowed to coach you. And even if she was, “please” is not one of the things they look for. They look for a Greeting, whether or not you repeated the order and the price back, and whether or not you upsold. We haven’t participated in the program in over 7 years.
Happiness Will Come To You.
when tho
When You Least Expect It. Probably Late March
reblog for happiness to come for you in late march!
Bandersnatch sounds like British slang for pussy
and yet “family-friendly” disney still hired him to play doctor strange. what a disgrace
this post is like getting smacked in the face twice
it’s march and like, you know what? that’s fucked up. literally, it was march this time last year too, and what’s up with that? like, a year has passed since it was last march, what the fuck ?
i keep forgetting that’s a grown man
This show changed my life
#this dude is pretty awful but this character is too fucking real
i love this show.
#problematicfave
Wine glass full of Mac and cheese garnished with two dinosaur chicken nuggets.
What a fucking mood though.
i hate how they market alexa as a ‘member of the family’ like that’s SO fucking blatantly insidious and terrifying also if i wanted an untrustworthy/cold/emotionless machine in my life i’d just talk to my fuckin father
“I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday.”
— Lemony Snicket (via purplebuddhaquotes)
the donald trump animatronic at disneyland’s hall of presidents looks like they made an animatronic for hillary, went “oh fuck” and stretched a hastily-made donald trump skin over hillary’s facial structure
im going to buy a car today
Do you have any Skittles?
This is the sexiest thing allowed starting December 18
why my hand shaky
your skeleton is ready to hatch
this is so fucking ominous thank you
ok universe, i’m ready to feel good things. make me feel good things.
whenever i post this it works reblog if u want to feel good things & the universe will bring u something sweet
Guys reblog this, you deserve good things after all the shit you’ve gone through.