Heroes of Earth

and other miscellaneous planets

[papayafromtv]

all the batkids are nepo babies not in the civilian/monetary sense but rather because as batman’s babies they are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want in gotham meanwhile any time any other member of the hero world steps out of line batman comes down on them like a steel hammer on a walnut.

batman will provide a list of rules for the JLA any time they need to work in gotham and the JL will just look between the rules and the group of kids hanging out behind batman like. hold on now.

flash: no metas?

batman: yup.

flash: who’s that then?

batman: that’s signal, he can glow and he’s lovely, now take his fucking name out your mouth.

flash: …

~

superman: and you said no guns?

batman: yeah absolutely no guns allowed.

dick: *from upstairs* dAAAAAAD I’M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK HAVE YOU SEEN MY BADGE AND GUN?

batman: *yelling back* I THINK YOU LEFT THEM IN THE OFFICE.

dick: OH YEAH, THANKS.

batman: NO PROBLEM SWEETIE HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK!

superman: hm.

batman: he’s different.

superman: how?

batman: i love him.

~

wonder woman: you are against taking human life, are you not?

batman: absolutely and that is non-negotiable. we are not judge jury and executioner.

wonder woman: i see. turn around.

*jason and tim two rooftops over, arguing how best to dispose of the loa assassin corpses they just took down*

batman:

batman: i dont see a problem here. those are my sweet boys.

jason, distantly heard from behind: yeah fuck you we’re his sweet boys.

wonder woman: *sighs*

~

batman: honestly the most important thing is that we serve justice and keep morality intact even when dealing with the toughest cases.

green lantern: damian has a secret prison under the titans tower where he’s been torturing their villains rather than trying to reform them.

batman: he’s so cute and small. my baby.

green lantern: bruce-

batman: get out of my city.

[stillnotsquashed]

Bruce: Because you have all failed to give me grandchildren, I have decided to give you a little incentive. For the first grandchild, I will give the parent 5 million dollars. For the second, 4 and so on.

Jason: You can't pay us to give you grandchildren, old man.

Bruce: Whoever gives me the first grandchild will receive their own custom-made Batmobile.

Dick: Really?

Jason: Hold on. I gotta make a call.

Bruce: I have three rules. Firstly, any adoptions must be made in good faith. So Jason, you can't just adopt Roy.

Jason: Like you practise ethical adoption!

Bruce: Secondly, you cannot just clone someone and call it a baby, Tim.

Tim: I would use my DNA.

Bruce: Still no. And also this game is not to be played until you are over the age of eighteen. Instead, Damian, Duke, you two can pick one of the others to team up with and receive a matching set of winnings.

Damian: (getting up) Come on, Grayson. Knowing you you have probably already got five children you simply do not know about.

Dick: I am not sure about-

Damian: I will also call Gordon and Starfire to begin negotiations.

They leave.

Jason: Okay, Duke, who are you going to wingman?

Duke: Cass, definitely Cass.

[exploringwithalexus]

"Even the face of death could not crush the power of Jason's love. Jason did good." Father Ken Canedo

[papayafromtv]

first time the batfamily get to hear Jason’s genuine uncontrollable laughter post his identity reveal as Red Hood is six months in, two weeks after he finally agrees to patrol with them on a semi-regular basis. post-patrol Jason has to come back to the cave for a debrief and as they’re all cleaning their gear, Damian and Jason start casually chatting about the differences between the LoA and Gotham.

“I prefer here because the training facilities in the cave are much smaller,” they hear Damian tell him. “At the compound we had acres of land dedicated to each trainable craft; not to mention the inner halls under the mountain.”

“I mean at least growing up there gave you diverse surroundings?” Jason points out. Damian looks up from his katana with narrowed eyes, squinting over at him.

“Diverse? Jason the only diverse thing about my childhood was you; you were the only white man for fucking miles. For two years straight I thought you were an albino like Uncle Dusan until mother pulled me aside and told me I had to stop acting like you being American was a birth defect.”

Jason laughs so hard he accidentally shoots the gun he’s cleaning and shatters the screen of the batcomputer while Tim’s halfway through a report, which then makes him laugh even harder. Bruce can’t even be mad about the damage, he’s just so happy he gets to hear his son happy again.

[faiyaart]

5 years later:

This is Karma Grayson.

[papayafromtv]

AU where upon being revived in the league of assassins, Jason is introduced to Damian, not to become his protector or teacher, but to become his handler. this is because Damian Wayne Al Ghul is a force of nature so chaotic and unwilling to listen, that even Talia and Ra's have completely given up on him. their only hope is to find the strongest guy at their disposal and give him the order to keep the fucking kid in line, otherwise who knows what will happen.

Jason tries his best. he gets... supremely lucky in the fact that Damian actually likes him and wants to keep him around. he knows this, because he's heard the horror stories about all of Damian's previous handlers. he tries, and by fucking hell he is good at his job. not amazing, because Damian is still a monster, but he is WAY better than anybody that came before him. Talia and Ra's are just... so relieved they found somebody Damian likes enough to not immediately ditch.

Jason is the world's best babysitter. he knows all the tricks, all the bribes, has all the instincts and the eyes-in-the-back-of-his-head that are needed to make sure Damian can't sneak off to act on every idiotic impulse he has. by the time they get to Gotham he is fucking EXHAUSTED. he's so overwhelmed by the job of keeping Damian in line that by the time they get to Wayne Manor he... cannot bring himself to give a single shit about his beef with Bruce or hiding his identity. he knocks on the front door and when Bruce answers and bluescreens Jason just watches Damian barge in to rush around the house like an excited puppy, and he sighs.

"Ok, you take him for like 3 hours." He tells Bruce, who genuinely has no fucking idea what is going on. "I'm gonna take a nap on your couch."

"What."

There's a crash from upstairs.

"You might want to keep a closer eye on your son, B. He likes jumping off things to see if you can catch him in time."

"WHAT."

[ckalaveram]

I’m at war with my art style but damiiii

[papayafromtv]

wildest thing about Jason becoming a part of the batfamily again in Jason and Damian LOA AUs has to be the fact that Damian and Jason get to hang out together again in front of them. like the shit the rest of the family must hear in passing just... during an average conversation between the two has gotta be. the most insane shit ever.

Dick, walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water: Jason, at the table with Damian: -eight of them, which was the best heist i ever pulled off. Damian: i still don't understand how grandfather didn't realise it was you. like, who else in the league was going to be brave enough to sneak eight dildos into his private chambers? Dick: *chokes on his water* ~ Tim: *swinging past Red Hood and Robin on patrol* Jason: the guy in that poster looks exactly like my poison tutor. Damian: oh yeah; hey did you know that guy had a massive crush on you? he admitted it to mother after you left. Jason: Jason: but he was massively homophobic??? Damian: yeah and in denial about it all too, apparently. Jason: ...huh. Jason: you know he tried to fuck a donkey and got kicked into a tree once, right? Tim: *almost swings into a billboard* ~ Bruce: -and Nightwing i want you down by the docks. everybody understand? Everyone else: *murmurs of agreement* Jason and Damian: *furiously whispering in the corner* Bruce: ...Red Hood. Robin. Jason and Damian: *not noticing him, getting louder* Damian: no, no that's BULLSHIT. it was purple. Jason: it was fucking green, Damian. you're colourblind. Damian: I'M NOT COLOURBLIND, YOU'RE JUST AN IDIOT. YOU WERE STRAIGHT OUT OF THE LAZARUS PIT, EVERYTHING WAS GREEN TO YOU. Jason: Damian, you were a ten year old on psychedelic mushrooms. it was GRASS and it was GREEN. Everyone else: Bruce: Bruce: sorry he was a ten year old on what now?

like the league of assassins lore must be WILD to hear out of context and i think the bats hearing just little snippets of it must be so insane for them.

[the-jason-todd-impreganator]

Bruce, angrily putting on the batsuit and grabbing the bat mobiles keys: It's all "I don't need you, Bruce, you're not my Dad!"

Bruce, getting in the bat mobile, slamming the door: "I'm a grown man with my own money and resources, you don't own Gotham!"

Bruce, speeding out the batcave: "I don't need your emotional constipation and pushing us away when you need us most! I'm done!"

Bruce, gesturing with one hand at nothing: "I am growing and deserve independence, Father! Mother says you are coddling me!"

Bruce, pulling up at bat burger, angrily getting out with his wallet in hand: UNTIL THEY'RE TWENTY BUCKS SHORT AND FORGOT THEIR WALLETS!

Jason, Tim, Dick, Damian, and Cass in their vigilante uniforms, standing there like lost children:

Bruce, handing the tired cashier a hundred dollar bill: I expect all your reports to be detailed and turned into the bat computer by tomorrow morning. Understood?

Dick, already plotting escape: Yeah...

Cassandra: Fine.

Jason: We only called you because boy Stephanie wouldn't drive out here at this hour to pay for our food.

Tim: My boyfriend has a name!?

Jason: Not tonight he doesn't.

Damian: Mother would not approve of me eating anything from this country's soil, so I could not ask her to send an assassin to pay.

Bruce: I'm so glad I'm appreciated by the children who dragged me out of bed on one of the rare nights I took off to come pay for their jokerized French fries.

Dick: We love you, Dad!

Tim: Best Dad I've ever had!

Cassandra, listening to what Bab's tells her to say: I appreciate and value you as my favorite role model and parental figure!

Jason: Thanks for not doing drugs.

Damian: I am grateful Bane is not my biological Father.

Bruce: That's better.

[jasontoddscrowbars]

Dick: the worst thing you can do to a person with glasses is touch their lenses.

Dick, looking back: right Tim.

Tim, pausing confused as everyone in the Justice League meeting turns to him.

Tim: I don’t wear glasses?

Dick:

Dick: no?

Tim: no.

Dick: you didn’t wear them and switch to contacts?

Tim: no?

Dick: not when you were younger?

Tim: nooo.

Dick: never in your life?

Tim: never.

Dick:

Dick: huh.

Dick turns back forward.

Dick: some reason I swore I’ve always seen you in glasses.

Jason, readers on the bridge of his nose: that’s weird.

Tim: I swear I fucking I hate you guys.

[minnow-doodle-doo]

What are you gonna do let him die over and over again?

[papayafromtv]

i do think that a severely under-talked about idea between Jason and Damian within the whole league-brothers AUs is the communication factor. like, if we go with the idea of Jason basically being a catatonic zombie who has to relearn how to be human after his pit-dunk, and with him meeting Damian when Damian was like. barely out of a diaper. the communication between those two as they got closer would be fascinating.

like, aren't there psychological studies claiming that twins are more likely to have delays in language development because they become so in tune with each other that they don't need to learn how to speak as quickly? can you imagine that with Damian and Jason. Jason whose communication development was put back to square one after the pit, and Damian who was only just starting to get the hang of it anyway. those two become close and suddenly they're learning how to communicate together--and it causes fucking chaos within the league.

i want them to be able to communicate fluently with each other before anybody else can understand a single word they're saying. they have their own weird half-grunt-half-gesture-half-body-language thing going on and i bet you the rest of the league is so tired of having to deal with this bullshit.

Jason is still like. actively being used as one of Talia's top assassins/guards, is the thing. somehow despite the fact that fucking verbal language is escaping his post-lazarus mind, he's still a beast with a sword. or a gun. or anything, really, to the point where Ra's is specifically requesting Jason as a personal guard during particularly risky situations. so like. they kind of need to be able to talk to him. it gives Talia a migraine every. time.

Talia: Jason. you are needed. Jason, intently watching three year old Damian draw in the sand with a stick: *looks up at her cluelessly* Talia: Talia, internally sighing: Jason. you have to *gestures* come. Damian: *glances up and blinks* Talia, speaking slowly and clearly: Damian, tell Jason that he has g-u-a-r-d d-u-t-y. understand? g-u-a-r-d. Damian: *looks at Jason* Jason: *looks back* Talia, under her breath: finally, Damian: *jerks shoulder and clicks tongue* Jason: *grunts back and stands up* Talia: yes, now lets- Jason: *hands Talia his sword and sits back down* Talia: Talia: what. Damian: you want sword. Talia: NO!? ~ Ra's: grandson, how are your lessons going? Damian: *wiggles his fingers and whines slightly* Ra's: Jason, in the corner: *claps his hands, congratulatory* Damian: *preens* Ra's: Damian's tutor: ...he is doing well. Ra's: *sighs*

I think even after they both learn how to speak normally they still have their weird little baby-twin language. it's like their mother tongue, what they default to whenever they aren't paying attention. whenever Jason gets genuinely pissed off he starts speaking in this weird mix of grunts and clicks and Damian's the only person that understands. after Jason's assigned his own team of subordinates at the league it becomes a regular occurrence that one of the guys will barge into the room while Damian's training and demand that he go with them. Damian has to stop mid-kata and follow some random assassin into Jason's meeting room because he's been yelling at his squad for the better part of an hour and they can't for the life of them figure out what they did wrong. Damian walks in, listens to the incomprehensible mix of jerks and noises for four seconds, states plainly 'he found out one of you fell in a koi pond during a stealth mission and killed three fish.' and then leaves instantly.

it keeps happening, too. even in Gotham, the language just never stops being an instinctual fall-back for the two. if Damian is woken up while half asleep by Tim or Dick, for the first two minutes or so he will be completely incomprehensible because his brain hasn't kicked into gear and he's speaking the language that comes most naturally to him. there's an occasion where Damian forgets the English word for some inane thing while talking to Tim and he just. cannot fucking remember what it's called. ends up instinctively reverting back to what it would have been if he were talking to Jason which is a weird hum/grunt, and Tim looks at him like he's insane. Damian can NOT remember this word in English, and Tim can NOT understand what Damian's saying and it's driving them crazy. they're still arguing about it on patrol three days later when Red Hood comes across them and he hears

Tim: -I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS! Damian: that's not my problem!! i'm speaking very clearly!! Tim: THAT'S NOT A WORD. Damian: YES IT IS. Dick: how are you two still on this??? Damian: IT'S A *grunt-hum*. I CANNOT SAY IT ANY PLAINER. Tim: WHAT THE FUCK. Jason: *drops in* what's up? Tim: ROBIN'S FUCKING- I DON'T EVEN KNOW BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM. *to Damian* say it again, fucking show Hood. Damian: *grunt-hum*. Jason, without blinking: pogo-stick. Damian: SEE. Tim, genuinely about to loose his shit: FUCKING WHAT.

everybody is so sick of these two's shit.

[bearcosmic]

Alfred, preparing the Wayne’s for the upcoming Gala

Alfred: Don’t add to the population *eyes Bruce, willing him not to ‘find’ another child*

Alfred: Don’t subtract from the population *glares at Damian who attempted to take down the host of the last function for their rug made of endangered animal fur*

Alfred: Don’t end up in the hospital *squints at Tim who once ate food he was allergic to at a gala for an excuse to leave early*

Alfred: Newspaper *sighs towards Dick who ‘accidentally’ tipped a champagne tower over a business man who looked at his siblings funny*

Alfred: Or Jail *side eyeing Jason who tried to incite a class war during the annual christmas party*

*everyone looks at him with wide-eyed innocence, as if they could do no wrong.

Alfred: . . . If you end up in jail, establish dominance quickly. Good luck.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 41 (masterpost here)

*fighting noises, grunts and the shwing of metal*

Tim: so me and Robin cleared out our section; want us to head over to you two?

Dick: *harsh impact* *slight chuckle* uh, i don't think this'll take us too long, you guys are good to wait.

Bruce: they're not overly prepared for an attack, that's for sure.

Dick: man, you know you're shit when Batman starts taking the mick mid-fight, *gunshot* oi-!

Damian: so we're just waiting?

Dick: yeah, take a break, Triple-R!

Damian, mumbling: stupid fucking nickname.

Tim: yeah shut up Dick,

Bruce, tired: just because it aligns with an insult doesn't mean you can disregard the no-name rule with Nightwing.

Tim: *snort*

Dick: B, sniper on the balcony- *gunshot* ok never mind he's a shit shot you're good.

Damian: Red, we can do the thing.

Tim: oh- holy fuck you're right,

Damian: you- *already sounding amused* you first.

Tim: ok well don't laugh yet, i haven't even... *trails off*

*fabric shuffling*

Dick, slightly breathless: wait, what are you two doing?

Tim: shut up, we're playing a game. you said take a break.

*thud* *hiss of sympathy*

Bruce: boys, please, we can't keep playing games on patrol-,

Dick: -yeah B might cry.

Bruce: i will not- i'm not going to cry??? just-

Dick: 'sounds close to tears. what are you playing?

Bruce, hissing: Nightwing,

Dick, innocently: hm?

Tim: ok, i'm ready. turn around.

*a beat of silence*

Damian, sounding slightly confused: *garbled, muffled by water* mf 'us a 'ox. wh- *abrupt choke*

Tim: yeah so this is- *snicker* this is my whole thing, this is what i uh, brought...

Damian: *sharp nose exhale*

Tim: he doesn't know i have it.

Damian: *water splatter* *cough*

Tim: HA! YOU LAUGHED!

Damian: *coughing* i did- not laugh, there's a difference.

Tim, incredulous: i HEARD you!

Damian: no no, i spat out my water. there's nothing against that in the rules.

Tim: that's the whole point,

Damian: i didn't laugh, i coughed.

Tim: oh- *indignant* bullshit, you laughed you liar.

Dick: the hell are you two doing? Red??

Tim: it's just a stupid game we thought might be fun where we both sneak the most obscure items we can onto patrol. if you laugh you lose, which you did-

Damian: i'm not gonna laugh at the kettle Pennyworth got imported from London, Drake. don't be a sore loser.

Dick: you brought- how the fuck did you keep that hidden?

Tim: shut up Damian. just do yours, you won't beat me.

Damian, apathetic: uh-huh. drink then, coward.

Dick: well now i kinda wanna know what Robin has...

Bruce, teeth gritted: Nightwing, please focus.

*silence*

Damian: open your eyes.

Tim: *instant water spitting* *choking*

Damian: you fucking- you spat on me you ass,

Tim: *high-pitched* what the- WHAT THE FUCK- *delirious shocked laughter*

Damian: fucking- 'm all wet now,

Tim: *still laughing* holy mother of hell,

Damian: i win, bitch.

Tim: I'M GOING TO- *incredulous* ROBIN!?

Damian: yeah... um. but then i also didn't want to play favourites, so...

*fabric shuffling*

Tim: OH MY- *instant wheeze*

Dick: ok seriously what is going on over there? Red sounds like he's going through anaphylactic shock.

Tim: *audibly struggling to breath*

Damian, calmly: no it's fine.

Tim, through tears: how did you- how did you even decide this was an option...?!

Damian: i play to win.

*distant thomp of boots on concrete*

Jason, distant, through Tim and Damian's coms: hey kiddies, am i late to the party?

Jason, voice dropping three octaves: ok what the fuck is that.

Tim, panting: read the- *wheeze* read the engraving,

Jason: oh. my. god.

Jason: DAMIAN. DAMI- HOLY- *chokes* oh my- WHY DID YOU-

*ping*

Jason, clearer: Bruce come get your son, Bruce come- *wheezes* *through cackles* COME AND GET YOUR SON,

Bruce: ok what on earth is going on up there?

Jason: he's got- *high pitched, delirious* i don't understand- Damian why?

Tim, also crying from laughter: we were playing a game,

Jason: WHAT FUCKING GAME-

Bruce: RED HOOD. I NEED DETAILS.

Jason: he's got- oh my fuck- he's got your parents.

*silence, apart from Jason and Tim's breathy cackles*

Dick: wait what-? i don't understand.

Jason: the ashes- he's got the- he brought Thomas and Martha's ashes on patrol.

Dick: W H A T?

Bruce: ...excuse me?

Jason: *cackles* oh fuck- oh fuck my side hurts,

Tim: *sniffs* i think i cracked a rib.

Bruce: Robin. what are they talking about?

Damian, sombre: i'm sorry father. i thought the family reunion might boost morale.

Bruce: WHAT.

Tim, amidst desperate attempts at breath control: what were you gonna do if you dropped one?

Damian: i mean, ash is not hard to come by. i doubt father would notice.

Bruce: ROBIN LEAVE THEM ALONE, YOU ARE TAKING THEM BACK TO THE MANOR THIS INSTANT.

Damian: hold- hold on father, i hear the ashes whispering to me.

*a beat*

Damian: they want to know why you dropped out of medical school.

Tim and Jason: *loose their collective shit*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 18 (masterpost here)

*casual silence, occasional footsteps and traffic noises*

*rustling*

Tim: *light laughter*

Tim: alright, yeah.

Dick: huh?

Tim: oh- Red Hood and i are communicating across this rooftop with paper signs, Taylor-Swift-style.

Dick: what are you saying?

Jason: talking shit about Batman.

Dick: why through secret signs? we do it to his face all the time. he isn't even on this line tonight.

Tim: it's called being creative, jackass. we're bored.

*a beat*

Tim: *laughs*

Dick, instantly: -ok what'd he say now?

Jason: still B, you insecure little thing.

Tim: he's just listing all the objective reasons Batman sucks.

Dick: oh list them out i wanna hear this.

Tim: ok- wait Hood go back to the first one, hold them up in order. ok- one, poser.

Dick: fair.

Tim: two, peaked in his childhood therapist's office.

Tim: three. wont stop trying to live through his children. needs to get his own thing.

Dick: elaborate on that one.

Jason: he sucks compared to his kids and he knows it. won't stop copying us.

Dick: i do have to point out that he was Batman first-

Jason: ok but who decided to be a symbol of hope first, you or him? because last i remember his early days of batting weren't about providing Gotham with peace, they were just him trying to figure out how high up he needed to be for the police to let him get away with public assault.

Tim, snickering: do you think there's an actual radius...?

Dick: ...alright ok. so maybe the hope thing got thieved from little Robin 1. carry on.

Jason: he stole the meaning of his mission from you, then he gave up on it when i kicked it and Replacement over here had to tell him to grow a pair and get back in the saddle,

Tim: -also true.

Jason: -now he's weirdly jealous of how much the people of Gotham trust Red Hood to get shit done. like he makes snippy comments all the time and glares at me whenever my people yell for my help. like- he's mad they trust me more than him. and lets not forget he tried to nick Nightwing from you and then got all pouty when he failed miserably.

Dick: *hums*

Tim: wait hold on- i don't remember hearing about this. when did he try to steal Nightwing from Dick?!

Dick: so, remember that joint international mission we went on when we were both in Italy together? and i mentioned i was worried about Bludhaven not having Nightwing while i was away?

Tim: ...yeah.

Dick: ...you see where I'm going with this?

Tim: ...you're kidding.

Jason, snickers gradually becoming audible: no- no he's completely serious. i remember i stopped by the city to do a quick run through patrol as a favour to Dick and fucking- Bruce was in his apartment. just digging through his closet for a spare suit.

Tim: ...no fucking way. did you make him put it back?

Jason: are you shitting me? i brought out my camera and told him to go right ahead! i knew how that shit was gonna turn out!

Dick: yeah... i don't- i don't really know what he thought would happen...

Tim: what did happen?

Jason: he- *laughter, tone high pitched* ok so he puts on the suit, right? and like- you saw when i tried it on- so it fucking barely fits him,

Tim: he didn't even fucking adjust it?!

Jason: *wheeze* NO! and then he walks out, right? like, like he's about to pop-

Dick, fondly: how long did he last again?

Jason: from what i remember, he made it half way down the first street before a group of local children rushed out and started trying to kick his ankles in for 'pretending to be their Nightwing'.

Tim: *bursts out laughing*

Dick: god, i love my local kids...

Jason: it made it so much worse because- obviously they all know me since we work together so much, so they see me on a roof nearby and start asking Red Hood to 'beat up the imposter for them', and Bruce is just fucking staring at me like he wants to die,

Tim: *still wheezing*

Dick: man... maybe Batman does suck.

Tim: YOU ONLY JUST REALISED?!

Dick: WELL I KNEW IN MY HEART, THERE'S JUST A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWING AND ADMITTING IT AUDIBLY-

*a ping*

*abrupt silence*

Bruce: who is on this line tonight that's available for a meeting at the docks? i may require backup.

*silence*

Bruce: Nightwing? Red Hood? Red Robin? i can see you're online.

Jason: *softly* ...Batman?

Bruce: *confused* ...yes?

Jason: remember when you got beaten up by a bunch of kids for pretending to be Dick?

*silence*

Bruce: goodnight.

*disconnecting ping*

Dick: incredible.

Tim: truly, a man who knows when he's beat.

Jason: a man who knows i still have that fuckin' video is what that is-

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard on the batkid com lines pt 12 (league days 3) masterpost here

Dick: ok do another one, do another one.

Damian: *grunt* *the sound of fists hitting faces* i just did one- *yelp* aren't you guys taking down a cartel tonight?!

Tim: yeah but we're just waiting around for things to kick off right now, come on, give us another one.

Damian: god- fine, hold on. *the metal shlink of a katana being unsheathed*

Jason: *snorts*

Tim: he's so nice to us...

*distant screams*

Dick: you are so, so lucky that B's on bed rest tonight Robin. so lucky.

Damian, strained: yeah, well, tonight i'm not Batman's Robin, i'm Red Hood's, and Red Hood's Robin gets shit done faster.

Jason: atta-fuckin'-boy. i found the files in the back room by the way, just let me know if you need help.

*a scream* *a metal shlink*

Jason: although you sound to be doing fine.

Damian: *sigh* alright done. ok... it's loading a card.

Tim: i swear to god, i'm going to fucking ace this one.

Dick: yeah, well you said that last round.

Tim: I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: alright. ready?

Dick: bring it on, kiddo.

Damian: 'apart from my father, there is one other member of the bat-community that i am biologically related to. that person... is Duke Thomas.'

Jason: oh this is gonna be awesome

Dick: *sputters* S O R R Y?

Damian: *sigh* well i suppose that's one way for it to come out.

Tim: there is NO GODDAMN WAY- HE'S BLACK.

Damian: and you think i'm white? don't be racist, Red Robin.

Tim: I JUST MEAN- there is no goddamn way. absolutely not. this is a nay, it's a lie. we'd know.

Damian: fine. is that your final answer?

*silence*

Tim: ...for the sake of the game. explain.

Dick: *laughs* *deliriously* this is ridiculous...

Damian: ...so... as you all know... Duke's mother is Elaine Thomas and his step-father is Doug Thomas, while his biological father was the criminal known as Gnomon.

Tim, begrudging: mhm.

Damian: but what was kept hidden from you is that shortly before Duke was born, Gnomon was an associate of the league of assassins, and was a close associate of my grandfather.

Tim: ok there is no goddamn way- why would Ra's care about Gnomon?!

Damian: how small-minded are you, Drake? Gnomon is an immortal entity, hundreds, perhaps thousands of years old. are you stupid enough to believe that my immortality obsessed grandfather couldn't have met Gnomon at some point in his life and decided to keep in contact so he could combine their knowledge for his own gain at some point in the future?

Dick: ...alright shit he has a point.

Tim: NO HE FUCKING DOESN'T? HOW DOES GNOMON BEING FRIENDS WITH RA'S EXPLAIN HIM AND DUKE BEING RELATED?

Damian: well-, oh, shit. There are more men approaching the warehouse, Hood.

Jason, gleeful: nah nah, you stay inside and keep answering questions, i got this.

*gunshots* *distant yells and screams of pain*

Damian: eight o'clock, sniper.

Jason: got it, now focus on the game.

Dick: beautiful priorities. Robin, carry on.

Damian: *sigh* fine, what is the next question?

Dick: how does Ra's and Gnomon's friendship explain your relation to Signal?

Damian: ah. well, you are aware that i was originally created to be a potential new vessel for my grandfather?

Jason: *grunt* *snorts* yeah, until you started info-dumping about parrot species and he decided he wasn't gonna touch that brain with a ten foot pole.

Damian: shut up, i thought you weren't allowed to partake in the game? ANYWAY, you all know that i was originally just a vessel, and thus i was modified in the loa labs to enhance my abilities,

Tim: UHM-?

Dick: woah woah woah woah- NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A LAB CHILD?

Damian: ....oh you didn't? that's not even a part of the game, i thought you knew that.

Tim and Dick, simultaneously: WHAT?!!??!

Jason: ??? yeah, guys, he got pit-dipped at one point and everything. i used to sit with him on the operating table after experiments and read him books. Ra's used me for some of those experiments too so it was kinda like sharing a room.

Dick: DOES BRUCE KNOW-

Damian: well i fucking thought he did but if you're all gonna be dramatic about it then i don't want to check...

Dick: DRAMATIC? DAMIAN, WE NEED TO-

Tim: Dick shut the fuck up a minute,

Dick: eh?!?

Tim: no- just, you know, it is a big deal and i'm happy to freak out about our little brother being experimented on later tonight, but for now... kinda trying to lock in on this fucking game.

Jason: *wheeze*

Tim: so you were experimented on, go on.

Damian: .........well... part of that experiment included mixing my DNA with that what grandfather believed might make me immortal, and he had asked Gnomon to kindly donate some DNA samples some decades back. so they were incorporated into my genetic make-up, meaning that some of my parental heritage technically belongs to Duke's father, making us biological half-siblings.

Dick, sarcastically: and you just decided never to mention it?

Tim: that's it, call Duke, i don't care if he's asleep-

Jason: ah-ah-ah-! no phone-a-friends!

Damian: -well Hood knew as he was aware of the experiments i went under, and of course i told Duke; apart from that it simply didn't seem relevant.

Tim: didn't seem relevant.

Dick: and Duke didn't think it was relevant either?!

Damian: ...to be honest, i don't think my brother wanted to start up another bout of batfamily drama. especially not one he was centric too. he found it funnier to keep it under wraps and watch from the side-lines.

*silence*

Tim: ...fuck that does sound like Duke.

Dick, amused: Tim-

Tim: NO. NO, DICK. BECAUSE THIS KEEPS FUCKING HAPPENING-

Jason: -you guys are on a stakeout, should you be saying his name so loud-?

Tim: AND THE CRAZIEST SHIT IS ALWAYS THE SHIT THAT'S TRUE! WE ALWAYS GET IT WRONG AND IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.

Dick: ok but listen to him, there is no way that Dames and Duke are-

Tim: OK BUT WE SAID THAT ABOUT THE ALLIGATOR STORY, AND THE ONE IN PARIS, AND THE THING ABOUT THE LAVA-,

Damian: *snorts*

Tim: -AND HE'S FUCKING LAUGHING AT US-

Dick: BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE'S LYING,

Tim: -OR, OR BECAUSE HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH AND HE'S SMUG ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF CHAOS THIS PARTICULAR SECRET IS CAUSING.

Jason: holy fuck is that Black Mask-? uh, ok, wrap this up, me and my Robin for the night got business to attend to.

Damian: very well. final answers, you two. yay or nay?

*silence*

Tim: *screech of despair*

Dick: *cackle* ok, i'm saying nay, there's no way.

Damian: Red Robin?

Tim: .....um.

Tim: FUCK.

Dick, laughing: Tim,

Tim: LAST TIME I THOUGHT ONE OF THESE WAS RIDICULOUS IT WAS THE TRUTH! THE RIDICULOUS ONES ARE ALWAYS YAYS, IT'S RIDICULOUS.

Jason: that word has lost all meaning.

Damian: well?

Tim: fuck. ok i'm saying yay. yay, sure, whatever. it's the truth. give it to me. i'm fine. tell me now.

Jason: *snorts* Robin?

Damian: ...of course it's a nay, why on earth-

*the sound of something smashing against concrete*

Tim: OH- OH OF COURSE- WHY THE FUCK- OBVIOUSLY IT'S A FUCKING LIE, WHO THE FUCK WOULD HAVE BELIEVED THAT OBVIOUS BULLSHIT-

Jason: *wheezing*

Dick: Red, Red calm down- *wheeze*

Tim: HE SAID THAT HE AND FUCKING SIGNAL WERE RELATED, WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN REAL? WHY WOULD ANYBODY- i'm going to fucking kill myself. i can't- i'm going to-

Dick: ok well you may not have to, because you totally gave away our position and i can see like three guns pointed in our- ok fuck DUCK-

*rapid gunshots*

Tim: I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME- FUCK-

Dick: RED SWITCH LINES WE GOTTA FOCUS HERE.

Damian: sucks to suck, Drake. see you two back at the cave.

*two pings*

*silence*

Jason: Black Mask is staring at me from across the street. he sees us, Robin.

*a beat*

Damian: Hood, what are you- are you having a fucking staring contest with him?

Jason: shut up, you're gonna distract me.

Damian: you're wearing a face-covering helmet-

Jason: I SAID SHUT UP I'M WINNING THIS THING.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 1 (masterpost here)

Jason: yeah me and B are on ok terms now,

Dick: oh you guys are getting along-?

Jason: well we’re doing ok, I’m not mad at him anymore.

Dick: thought you wanted him to kill the Joker?

Jason: i did, but then like last week i went to the manor and i saw him smash the coffee machine with a hammer because it didn’t fill his mug enough; and i just don’t think he’d be a good killer.

Dick: *light wheeze* because he broke the coffee machine?

Jason: well it was just- *cracked grin* he gets- he gets angry, you know? and he’s not good at self control? like that machine did nothing and he just destroyed it. and i was just thinking about how, like, he decided that adopting kids was an acceptable thing to do, and now he has like eleven of us,

Dick: *silent cackles*

Jason: like he can’t see a kid without thinking ‘wonder if i can draft this one’. i think if we managed to convince him killing was ok it wouldn’t go well. he’d just keep doing it.

Dick: *through laughter* because of no self control?

Jason: yeah, like once he crosses that line he’d probably step over it at any minor inconvenience. he gets addicted and he gets mad at a lot of things.

Dick: so B shouldn’t kill?

Jason: no.

Dick: but you can?

Jason: well i- *wheeze* i have practice honing the rage, i don’t kill for stupid reasons. *pause* apart from that one time.

Dick, audibly amused: what time?

Jason: i sneezed and accidentially pressed the trigger.

Dick: *loud cackles*

Jason: i felt bad, man, like his cat was there-

Dick: *falls off his chair*

Jason: how are you this apathetic.

Dick: is that where Damian’s new cat came from?

Jason: it’s not like i could just leave it there!

Dick: i thought i saw trauma in it’s eyes. it had that wartime stare.

Jason: the blood spattered right across its fur. i had to bathe it.

Dick: Damian thinks it has anxiety

Jason: anxiet- dude it has more than anxiety, it has fucking PTSD-

Dick: *wheezes harder*