Series Summary: You move to a small town in the middle of Texas to escape your past and start over. You don't expect to fall for the town's handsome sheriff.
Series Warnings: no outbreak AU, language, angst, slow burn, smut (18+ MDNI), domestic violence (mostly just talked about or implied, nothing too descriptive, i will put a big warning on those chapters), implied SA (nothing descriptive), jealousy/possessiveness, alcohol use, drug use (not by Joel or reader), technical infidelity - more warnings will be stated for each chapter but these are the biggies
I love u sad crosshair. I love u cranky crosshair. I love u proud crosshair. I love u annoyed crosshair. I love u stubborn crosshair. I love u soft crosshair. I love u shaky crosshair. I love-
I want the mandalorian to return as the mandalorian s1. I want din. I want fighter din. I want cocky din. I want intimidating din. I want that back. I don't want to see his ass fall for thousand times through the season. I know "the story has moved on and we need to explore more characters" but idgaf I want the mandalorian s4 solely about din djarin and grogu. The rest can stay as SIDE characters
Married off to a prince on a planet that you hate? New husband doesn't know you, and doesn't want to know you? New husband gifts you a personal Mandalorian body guard as a wedding present? Mandalorian is a wiseass who won't leave you alone? Lucky you.
18+ mdni
do you like kitschy, campy romance novels? if you're reading this, I hope so.
behind the scenes & chapter notes + other extras (spoilers) :
chapters 1-5
chapter 6-15
spotify playlists
Lysa & Elaine information
the bks screen adaption
bks q&a
bks what if's
reader is generally not described past being picked up a few times, and having hair long enough to be put up
✩ chapters containing smut!
chapter one : honeymoon (6.7k words)
[ Absurd.
That is the only word that comes to mind as you stare at yourself in the mirror. “His favorite color is blue.” ]
chapter two : silent treatment (7.4k words)
[ Something is wrong. You bolt up from the pile of blankets that you call a bed and your eyes dart around the closet as you furrow your brow trying to discern why you feel so much different. ]
✩ chapter three : the smitten paladin (4.6k words)
[ You’re starting to think the planet isn’t the reason you’re so hot all the time.
You had woken up this morning feeling a bit better than you thought you’d be, your stomach is full of butterflies but you're still standing and considering the night you had you’re gonna take that as a win. ]
chapter four : sarad'ika (6.8k words)
[ Sarad'ika.
You won’t forget it this time, you can’t. So you write it in your book, just under Mando’s favorite color you write the two little words that have been keeping you up at night. ]
✩ chapter five : lunar interlude : just a man (5.0k words)
[ Absurd.
It’s absurd how much the job pays. Din’s not even sure he should take it at this point because it’s too good to be true. ]
✩ chapter six : torment (5.1k words)
[ Okay, maybe you didn’t think this through.
You didn’t think he’d actually come in and now suddenly the door is shut and you’re alone with him. ]
✩ chapter seven : just friends (3.1k words)
[ Maker it feels like it’s been an hour and you’re both just laying here. He was just inside of you; it shouldn't be so hard to find something to talk about at this point. ]
chapter eight : solar markets (5.3k words)
[ It’s nice to wake up excited again.
You wish you could say that it happened more often but hopefully it will from now on. It’s going to be your first time leaving the castle grounds since you got here. ]
✩ chapter nine : shuk'la rules (5.6k words)
[ You need sex.
Normally you would be satisfied for quite some time after getting off but for some reason with Mando it was different. But it’s only been two days and you need more. ]
[ He’s grateful for the break from you, even if brief.
That’s not to say that he doesn’t enjoy every moment he gets to be in your presence but the more time he spends with you the harder it gets to remember that this isn’t real. ]
chapter eleven : he loves me not (4.6k words)
[ Something is wrong.
All day it’s been wrong.
He’s different. Distant. ]
chapter twelve : pretend (4.4k words )
[ Two days.
That’s what you’re willing to give yourself. Two days to get over it. One to get it all out of your system and one to pull yourself together. ]
You have no problem falling asleep, it’s mostly staying asleep. There’s a million different things that consume your thoughts and everytime you drift into unconsciousness you find yourself jolting awake, barely able to stay asleep for more than an hour at a time. ]
chapter fifteen : two tea parties (5.4k words)
[ “What did you do to her?”
Her voice breaks through his sleepy haze as he sits up properly.
“Excuse me?” ]
chapter sixteen : absolution (4.6k words)
[ There’s a visceral sense of dread when you wake up, for several reasons.
The glaring obvious culprit of your discomfort would be the fact that today’s your husband's birthday. ]
chapter seventeen : the apostate’s cabin (3.5k words)
[ Just Din.
It’s sinking in as you walk in silence, holding his hand tightly as he pulls you towards his home. ]
chapter eighteen : portrait of a man (5.4k words)
[ It’s deliciously warm when you wake. You can feel his heartbeat and you can feel the soft traces of sunlight dancing along your back. You stretch in his arms slightly but freeze up as you feel him nuzzle his chin into your hair, planting a kiss against your hairline. ]
✩ chapter nineteen : reverence (7.3k words)
[ You really want to.
You couldn’t possibly want to more than you currently do.
It’s actually a bit mean. That he’s left you here in this state. ]
✩ chapter twenty : like real people do (8.4k words)
[ Mando and Din.
All you can think about right now is how there must be two of them.
You’re playing with his curls. ]
✩ chapter twenty one : te mirci't (9.0k words)
[ “It means I love you.”
You aren’t entirely sure how long you stare at him, looking rather silly with your jaw practically on the floor. ]
✩ chapter twenty two : it’s you that i lie with (11.3k words)
[ Naboo has several trading ports.
You could get him on a cargo ship. That would be the most inconspicuous form of transport. It would help if he was willing to ditch his armor. ]
✩ chapter twenty three : lunar markets (15.0k words)
[ Sneaking out of the castle gets easier every time you do it.
It only takes a few minutes and you’re walking outside towards the forest trail, Din’s hand in yours, still giddy. ]
How could he possibly be deserving of you? Yet somehow you make him feel as if he is. With your soft touch and the way your eyes get just a little bigger when you see him. ]
✩ chapter twenty five : wedding bells (11.7k words)
[ Four days of Leo.
You were upset that Din was leaving you but you got over it rather quickly with the promise of his hasty return. ]
chapter twenty six : crucifixion (12.7k words)
[ “My room is too big.”
He bursts into genuine peals of laughter and you gently smack his arm.
“Don’t laugh, it’s a serious issue! My room is enormous.” ]
chapter twenty seven : the apostate (6.0k words)
[ Silence.
That’s all there is in his brain.
It’s hard enough as is for him to hear. It doesn’t help when he’s been beaten half to death. ]
✩ chapter twenty eight : a place for us (8.4k words)
[ You’d spent the better half of the day trying to get on top of him.
Every time you managed to get close he’d simply set you down on the nearest surface with a kiss on the cheek and go back to doing whatever he was working on. ]
chapter twenty nine : the best kept secret (epilogue) (6.1k words)
[ The morning sun is warm against your face, you bask in it, unmoving and only half awake until you feel a tiny hand slapping your cheek. The illusion of tranquility is immediately shattered as you softly laugh. ]
After a disastrous blind date you decide to stay away from the miserable Joel Miller forever. The only problem is your best friend Maria is dating his brother and their construction company has been hired to renovate where you work. In an effort to support your friend, you’re thrust into the unwanted job of babysitting Joel’s young daughter one night. As time goes on you’re not expecting to find a confidant in Joel Miller but when you do, you wonder how you ever survived without him.
AU LOU universe with no outbreak. A slow burn slice of life love story with smut.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Dare to Surrender
for 18+ readers only!
summary:
“First to come loses.”
You can’t stand Javier Pena but when Steve Murphy makes an off-hand remark that gets both you and Javier’s competitive sides going, there’s no telling how far you’ll go.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
So Much to Lose
For readers 18+ only please!
summary:
Newly settled into Jackson city and forced to go on patrols with the miserable Joel Miller sets off a chain of events and encounters that have you questioning everything, including your own heart.
note: Featuring Dark!Joel
Chapter 1
ONE SHOTS
for 18+ readers only!
Please, Mr. Miller?
Summary: After being dumped by your longtime college bf, your roommate Sarah Miller invites you to her hometown for the holidays. There you meet her dad and decide you need to know if he’s as good in bed as he looks.
Summary: Joel and Y/N face the society reacting to their age-gap.
Word count: 7.2k
Warnings: MISUNDERSTANDING-TROPE, ANGSSSTTTTT, SMUT SMUT (these are definitely not in order or you’ll be spoiled) MDNI
a/n: im back with another Joel fic!!!! This is a whole rollercoaster so buckle up!!! Also know that Snow, Lace girls) and Lock (boy) are three of my OCs, I named them after inanimate objects just so they don’t offend anyone with the same name. <3 comments and reblogs are appreciated.
Feet with their mind of their own carried you downstairs with a speed of light. You had heard Joel’s truck pulled in the driveaway, causing you to abandon the book you were reading to keep your mind from racing about his arrival.
Just as your feet planted on the floor, your eyes fixed on the door as it slightly pushed open revealing the man you had hopelessly fell for two years ago. He hadn’t acknowledged you as he quietly shut the door. Turning around, the pair of warm brown eyes set on you, when he sees you standing there in your pajamas, adoringly staring at him, his face softens.
He dropped his bag, a sigh of relief escaping his lips and within a heartbeat you launched yourself at him. Arms flying around his neck as his hands gripped your waist, steadying you.
“Missed you so much” you mumbled in his neck. He tightened his grip on you at the admission.
Joel had been to San Antonio for a week to negotiate a contract with a customer.
“Me too, baby,” he whispered, bringing his right hand to stroke your hair
You pulled away as you realized he must be tired, but before you could ask anything, he pulled you into him,
“Shouldn’t have stayed up, ‘s late” he placed a kiss on your lips that you were quick to deepen. You sighed as he lightly bit your bottom lip.
“Mmm, couldn’t sleep without knowing you made home safe,” you smiled up at him, “you hungry?”
He shook his head no, loving the way you treated him like a child and cared for him.
“Not hungry, back pain ‘s all, wanna sleep”
You smiled drop as he gently tugged you towards the stairs. Your small hands in his much larger ones. He led you to the bedroom you shared for the past month,
Moving in with Joel after almost two years of hidden relationship was a way to make it official to everyone that you both were together. Though whatever you had anticipated could happen, did happen; continual discussion of your age difference, about him being divorced, about you being naive, about him being a father.
Given that you both placed a high priority on your relationship, you hadn’t truly heard the gossip by your own ears. However, you had observed the glances that were directed towards you on two separate occasions when you and Joel were present at the mart.
His steps halted in front of Sarah's door, “she was good?” he asked over his shoulders.
You nodded your head, “Joel she’s not a kid, of course she was alright,”
He pulled you in the bedroom, as you continued, “Plus i think since i moved in, we’ve bonded even more”
Joel was quick to introduce you and Sarah once you both had confessed the love to each other. And Sarah was quick to welcome you in her life. It was perfect among you three. It was your perfect world. Except that you had to face the world outside your bubble, which was a little too far from perfect.
Joel turned around to peck your cheek, “so proud ‘f my girls”
My girls. You smiled
You were his. You belonged with him. With them. The fact still released butterflies in your stomach.
Joel took off his shirt and winced. Your facial expression displayed a distortion of worry which Joel was quick to observe, “back’s hurtin’ is all, don't worry,'' he smiled as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, pulling your forehead close to his lips to place a chaste kiss.
“We need to get some gel, Joel” you reminded him
-
This is how you found yourself standing in the mart, in front of the shelf with gels. You had dropped Sarah school before heading here. Joel was asleep when you both left. Sarah wanted to meet her dad but you suggested that she lets him get enough sleep and meet him when she returns from school, to which she happily agreed.
Skimming your eyes through the rack, you found the one you were looking for, Voltarol. You grabbed one and walked toward the counter. You picked a few snacks on the way there.
“y/n?” you heard a lady call your name
Turning around, you met none other than the most gossipy woman of the town, Nancy.
“Hi!” you put on your best fake smile to greet her
“Whatcha got there?” she asked, eyes already prying your arms. You could have taken a basket but snacks weren’t planned.
“Oh, just snacks” you shrugged, you kept your answer short, avoiding the long conversation
“And, what’s that? A gel?” she asked earning a groan from you,
“Yeah, Joel’s got a back pain so i figured-”
“Of course!” she exclaimed startling you
Looking at your furrowed brows, your confused stance she continued, “I mean,” she sang, “Joel’s old. Don’t you think you’re too young to settle for that old man and tend to his back pain?”
Your heart sank at her words, and more at the amount of venom that dripped from that single sentence alone.
“Don’t you think you’re a little too nosy in others’ decisions?” you spat as you moved to the side,
“Jeez, relax! You’re turning into an old grumpy woman. Maybe something about the company-”
You left before she could say more. The longer you stood, she would’ve fed you with her sick mindset.
Of course Joel was old. But that never lessened the love you had for him. You had been with guys around your age and all you ended up with was a broken heart and then came Joel, treating you like a real gentleman would.
You both took sufficient time to make a decision about living together. Your relationship being a secret never attracted comments but once the news spread through the town about you and Joel living together, every other mouth was murmuring about you both.
Staying in most of the time had its perks; you never found out about all the gossip. But it could only last so long.
You paid the cashier before hurrying to your car. Settling in, you took a few deep breaths.
She’s just being mean. I won't let her ruin my day. Her words don’t mean anything. Joel and I love each other, that's what matters the most.
As soon as you closed the door, entering the house, you were met with silence. Joel‘s still asleep.
Placing the snacks on the counter you climbed the stairs, a gel in your hand, and a planned massage for him in your head. You opened the door to see Joel lying on his stomach. With his moments you could tell he had woken up and then his voice sounded,
“Where’d ya go?” eyes closed, he muttered, his voice hoarse. You crossed bed to stand on his side,
“Dropped Sarah, and picked this” you grinned, showing him the gel
He squinted his eyes to read the label, “darlin’ you didn’t have to” he turned around to lay on his back.
“Of course, I had to!” you tapped his legs, urging him to sit up. He obliged without any protest and god did you love it when he was submissive to you, knowing the outside world would never see this soft Joel.
“Still hurtin’? You asked as you noticed a slightest distress in his face as he sat up
“A little” he grunted
You tugged at his shirt, “off” you demanded
“You don’t have to-” he looked up at you as he rubbed his eyes
“I know, Joel. I want to” you softly cut his sentence
He layed back on his stomach again as you straddled his legs. Just having him naked except for sleeping boxers, totally submitting to you, sent a tingle down your core. But you ignored it. Your only focus was to make Joel feel better.
You squirted some gel on your palm, setting the tube on the side,
“I’ve never done this before,” you warned him,
“Neither have I, honey,” his muffled voice giving rise to a small giggle leaving your lips
You carefully splayed your hands on his lower back as you spread the gel. the delicious combination of the hotness of his skin mixed with the coolness of the gel stirred something in your stomach,
Focus. Focus. Focus
You pressed your fingers in his muscles, feeling the knots. He moaned at the relief.
“Felt so good,” he muttered,
You continued massaging his back, digging your fingers wherever you felt the stress. Taking notes of and following what brought him pleasure, you moved your small hands through his back and shoulders. Occasionally scratching his back with your nails and pulling the sounds of pleasure from his throat.
All the sounds he made did not help, but only worsened the condition between your legs. You felt giddy, knowing you made him feel this good.
You only prayed that the wetness between your legs didn’t seep through your thin pajamas and on his skin. Because this was about him and him only. Completely oblivious of Joel's situation underneath you, that after a few digs and dips of your fingers he started getting hard and by this time he was rock hard.
“Baby” he breathed, “st-stop” he started to move, his cock taking control of his brain,
You were startled, immediately getting off of his legs, “did- did i do something wrong?” you asked innocently,
He laid on his back as he stared at the ceiling, his breaths heavy “no darlin’, you did a good job, ‘s jus’-” he huffed as he took your hand and placed it on his member
Your mouth hung open as you felt his cock through his boxers, your mouth salivating just at the imagination,
He looked at you, waiting for you to say something,
“Good thing I know how to take care of that too,” you smirked as you moved to hook your fingers on the waistband of his boxers as you slowly, teasingly, slid them down, closely watching his reaction change.
“That’s my gir- mmph”
As soon as his cock sprang free from its confines your gaze immediately left Joel’s.
His angry reddened tip, decorated with beads of his precum stood hard. You wasted no second in stradling his laps. Your petite fingers wrapped around his member, thumbing on his tip; spreading his leak through the length. You pushed your hair to one shoulder as you bent forward, maintaining eye contact with Joel’s hooded eyes, you kissed the tip, earning a strangled moan.
You smirked, loving the effect you had on him. His eyes begged for more. You hollowed your mouth, taking his length in your mouth. Your fingers toying with his base. The taste of him was the first taste of your day. His hand made its way to your hair, guiding your mouth; in and out.
“Jus’ like that, baby” he praised
He grunted when you twirl your tongue around him, his cock twitching letting you know he’s close.
“Such a good girl, f’ me,” you watched his eyes closed as he bucked his hips in your mouth, losing himself in the pleasure.
You quickly removed your mouth, saliva spilling from the sides of your lips,
“Eyes on me,” you demanded and god did that turn him on
“Y-yes mami, please continue” he struggled to keep his eyes open, with your plush lips wrapped around his thick cock.
He guided his cock to your throat causing you to gag. He smirked, repeating the action until tears spilled from your eyes. He used his free hand, gently wiping the tears.
Perfect combination of rough and soft
You were soaking wet at this point, his dick in your mouth, hand fisted in your hair, and his sinful moans and grunts in your ears.
He guided your head away, as he manhandled you and in a split second your positions were switched. You gasped as your head hit the soft pillow while Joel towered over you, on his knees.
“That…was impressive” you breathed as Joel connected your lips in a feverish kiss.
“I’ve still got some strength y’know,” he mumbled as he pulled away slightly before he captured your lips again. It was nothing soft and slow but all teeth and tongue fighting for dominance.
You would've just giggled at his response but instead you felt a pang of hurt in your chest,
Joel’s old. Her voice rang in your ears as you blinked your eyes to focus in the moment
Joel grumbled tasting himself on you. Too lost in the kiss you missed when his hands slipped to your sides, pulling down your pajamas and panties in one swift motion.
You broke the kiss, “Joel” you took a deep breath, his eyes finding yours, waiting for your command, “fuck me wreckless”
His smirk grew at the command, “yes, m’lady”
His fingers found your cunt in an instant. You moaned at the contact of his calloused fingers with your aching center.
He circled your clit a few times before plunging his middle finger knuckles deep without a warning,
You screamed, “of fuck, Joel-”
“M gonna wreck you, darlin” he grunted as he drove his finger in and out while his thumb pressed on your pussy, making you squirm,
“Nngh feels so good” you moaned,
“So needy, huh?” his eyes glued to throbbing pussy and the juices it squirted,
He added another finger, building the pressure and maintaining the pace. You felt the knot in your stomach tightened.
“Close, mmh Joel, i'm close” you struggled to speak, your knuckles turning white as your gripped the sheets beneath you
You arched into his touch, your legs started to tremble as you felt the climax reach. He used his strong free arm across your stomach to keep you in place as he assaulted your cunt.
“Cum for me, darlin”
And you did, right then and there. You closed your eyes as you screamed his name like a prayer,
“Look at me” he ordered and you blinked away the tears that had formed in your eyes to obey him,
He held your gaze as he lowered his mouth and lapped the juices you had released. He devoured it as the first meal of the day,
“Taste so good,” he mumbled more to himself
He drank every drop until you finished. Your chest heaved as he climbed on top of you and connected your lips,
You both moaned in unison as you tasted yourself on his lips,
“Ready?” he asked as he guided his cock to your entrance
You nodded your head,
“Words” he spat
“Yes, yes Joel, I'm ready!” you whined,
And he slipped in, inch by inch until he was balls deep.
He had fucked you countless times but his size always surprised you and your pussy always hugged him like the first time.
“So fuckin- tight, this pussy,” he grunted as you adjusted to the size
“Move” you croaked and he obliged, setting a slow and steady pace,
“My pussy,” thrust “mine to ruin” thrust, harder, “mine to love,” thrust, harder and faster,
Your walls clenched around him at the words, at the possession,
He had picked up the pace, fucking into you relentlessly. It wasn’t usual he fucked you this hard but you asked for it, and you were glad.
“So thick” you breathed
He sat on his knees as he wrapped your legs around his waist, holding you there, pounding into you through a different angle, brushing your g-spot everytime.
“Right there, yes” you bit your bottom lip,
“Don’t hold back, darlin’ let me hear you” his pace was unbelievable, you felt nothing but him. The coil tightened in your stomach, it was embarrassing how quickly he was pulling another orgasm out of you, splitting you in half,
“Joel, can i cum–”
“Not yet darlin” he stuttered
The feeling was a lot, you tried your best to hold back. The feeling of his cockstretching your walls, his balls tingling your inner thigh in every thrust. Your thighs twitched, as he held them tightly around him,
“Joel, please-” you begged,
His thrusts started to become sloppier, his cock twitched inside you and he nodded,
“C’mon baby, milk my cock,” he urged
That made you trip from the edge and you came, harder. Your mouth forming incoherent words between his name
He never stopped his movement throughout your high, only when you were done did he spill his seeds, covering your insides with his release.
He let go of your legs as he collapsed over you, making sure to shift his weight to his elbows
He looked ethereal, post sex suited him so well. His skin glowing with sweat and morning light. His brown curls were a mess. He placed a lazy kiss on your forehead, then lips, “you ‘kay?” he whispered
You nodded, too blissed out to reply verbally. Too much in awe of his soft, sweet side.
He pulled his cock out and you both winced. He pecked your overstimulated cunt once causing you to shiver before he left for a cloth.
He cleaned both of you, murmuring praises on your skin as he wiped your legs.
“Wrecked ya, huh?” he said as he observed your fucked out state,
You hummed in response, “forgot you even had a back pain”
“What back pain?” he feigned confusion as he tossed away the cloth, causing you to giggle
You knew you couldn’t share your encounter with Nancy at the mart, you knew he was already silently insecure about the age gap.
-
Joel was quick to return to work after his trip to San Antonio. He headed to a bar with Tommy before returning home. The brothers conversed about a deal that Joel had made.
“Hey, there’s Frank, wanna come?” Tommy said, looking over Joel’s shoulder.
Joel turned his face to see Frank talking to a woman before bringing his attention back to his neat whiskey,
“No, ‘m a’right here” He grumbled, watching Tommy leave from his peripheral vision
He downed his half empty cup before he ordered another. He zoned out looking at his whiskey, his fingers tracing the rim of the glass.
A low grunt beside him caught his attention, turning his face and he was met with Arthur ordering his liquor.
Joel returned his gaze to his whiskey and taking a sip,
“Howdy, Joel? How was San Antonio?” Arthur asked
“Was fine, made a deal” Joel replied, already wanting an out from his company. His head is already cloudy from drinking.
“And how’s ya little thing doing?” Arthur leaned, instantly causing Joel to lean away. He wasn’t sure he heard it right
“What?” Joel barked,
“Ya know,” Arthur swung his wrist gripping the glass of whatever he ordered, he shrugged, “that sweet little y/n-”
“Watch your mouth” Joel growled
“All i’m saying is she’s too young, deserves someone who can actually take care ‘f her” if Arthur was any sober he would’ve shut up after Joel’s first warning, but he just mindlessly continued,
Joel’s bore a hole on the side of his head with his intense gaze, his grip tightening on the glass as he watched Arthur speak, “jus’ feel bad for her, stuck with you–”
Joel gathered Arthur’s collar in his hand,
POW!
Joel’s fist collided with Arthur’s jaw in a swift motion.
-
“- and when i told Chris about it, he was equally appalled and said, no offense” Lace lightly held your arm before quoting her boyfriend, “it’s a phase for you and that you’d get over Joel, either way its- ” you gaze shifted to Snow who stood beside Lace, offering you an apologetic smile,
Snow and Lace were your best friends since school. Snow never judged you for your relationship with Joel. Lace, on the other hand, did not always agree with your choices even if she did love you.
“Lace,” you began, cutting her rambles, “i’m happy, isn’t that enough?” you sighed, tears brimming at the corner of your eyes.
The three of you were at Millie’s, one of your mutual friends, birthday party. It was your first public appearance after moving in with Joel. you were too scared to join but Lace and Snow were adamant about you joining them.
Few of the girls asked you weird questions but thanks to your two friends who cornered you to avoid more conversations.
Lace was quick to notice your eyes, as she took your hand, “of course! but-”
“No ‘but’s, we’re done. I think I should head home, it’s pretty late,” Snow announced, your gaze darted to the clock, 11:45 stared back at you.
“Yeah, i’m leaving too-”
“y/n?” it was, Auburn, one of Millie’s friend who you met twice at parties, you knew she cheated on multiple boys just because she thought she was too good for them, “wh- are you guys leaving already?” Auburn looked around the three of you,
“Yeah, can’t stay out late, y’know” Snow carelessly answered as she fished something from her bag, leaving the kitchen
“And let me guess, y/n, you have to go home to your old man?” Auburn directed at you
“Well, at least I have someone to go home to,” you knew it was a cruel jab, but you didn’t care at the moment.
She gasped, clearly taken aback, “Wow, the old man-”
“It’s Joel” you interrupted, to which she only rolled her eyes before continuing,
“Yeah, poor Joel, i mean, having to deal with you every single day, God, i’d be damned”
Before you could reply, Lock showed up at the kitchen door, “hey, I was leaving, ya need a ride? Snow’s in the car” He was one of your close friends.
Lock got a nod from you before you pointed at Auburn, “Maybe you need to grow up,” you muttered, already heading out of the kitchen before you heard her voice, “don’t go falling in love, it’s all about good fuck-” you shut the door behind you,
You quickly got into Lock's car, not bothering to bid anyone goodbye. Your vision was glossy, you held back your tears through the small distance to your house,
It was around 12 when you stepped in the house, the television was on in the living room. You peeked to see sarah on the couch,
“Sarah, what are you doing up?” your voice was harsher than intended,
She jumped and you almost felt guilty for the way you scared her,
“You’ve got school tomorrow, go to bed. Now.” you scolded watching her turn off the tv as she muttered a small ‘sorry’ heading upstairs.
Joel still wasn’t home. And as an unspoken rule, you didn’t want to go to bed without him, like he doesn’t without you.
You removed your earrings, placing them on the table before you slumped on the couch,
The voices in your head growing,
Is this wrong?
Why can’t they keep their noses out of my relationship decisions?
Does Joel feel that I'm way too young for him?
Is he embarrassed too?
The longer Joel took to come home, the louder the voices became,
Does Sarah get questioned about me and Joel?
Does Sarah still like me?
Does Joel still-
You heard the door unlock and you brought yourself up. Joel stumbled in, you knew he had a few drinks. Quickly you got up to hug him and to have him silence the noises in your head,
Too disappointed about your night, you didn’t notice the bandage on his knuckles, or the sour expressions he wore, as you moved your body to hug him,
His figure stiffened against you. His hands coming up to your arm as you shuddered under his touch,
“What’s wrong?” he muttered as he stroked your hair, putting aside his pain to try and heal yours.
You shook your head, not wanting to feed his insecurity, “party was a bit exhausting” you lied
“C’mon baby,” as he moved you both toward the couch, “ya wanna talk about it?”
You straddled his lap burying your head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent of whiskey and cigarettes
His hands traced your back softly and you whimpered, you loved Joel so much.
You picked your head up to face Joel. He looked tired. Nevertheless, one of his hands cupped your face and instinctively, you placed a kiss on the inside of his wrist before intertwining your fingers with his, and that's when you felt the skin of bandage under your fingertips,
“What happened?” it was your turn to be concerned
He stayed quiet for a beat, both of you looking in between you, your intertwined hands but feeling miles away emotionally,
“Just a random cut, nothing serious” and it was his turn to lie,
That was the turning point of your relationship.
“C’mon let's go to bed,” Joel suggested,
-
The next few weeks went by the same. Everywhere you went, they talked shit. Sometimes you defended but other times you were tired of talking back knowing they won’t stop either way.
You noticed how Lace kept pushing Lock to you. Always calling him over when you had plans with her and then leaving quickly so you and Lock can spend some time alone. He was a nice guy, but you only saw him as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. And Joel knew it too.
But oh when he kept getting “with Lock” as your response to his “where ya at”, did he start to feel otherwise. Almost everyday at work he was defending his relationship with you, and after knowing you’re with Lock most of the time, he started believing the criticisms.
“Things alright between you two?” Tommy carefully asked Joel one day,
“Yeah, why?” Joel didn’t remove his gaze from the contract paper in his hand,
Tommy shrugged, “i don’t know, been seeing her with that Lock guy a lot these days so–”
“Look good together, don’t they?” another man chirped in, but as soon as he received a deathly glare from Joel he backed off immediately. But the words stuck with joel, look good together
That night when you clung to him, like you always do, he didn't reciprocate. The voices in his head were getting loud and you weren’t there to silence them.
-
“Where?” he snarled
It was just another rough night for the two of you. Joel had canceled plans with you because work buddies are insisting on game night , delaying it to the next week. Both of the times Lace and Snow had swung by. With Lace reciting her “you deserve better” mantra.
Earlier this week, Snow had asked you to go shopping for her vacation. And you couldn’t say no, given she had dropped her things just because you were depressed when Joel canceled the plans for the second time.
If he could, why couldn’t you?
“Shopping” you put another popcorn in your mouth as your eyes fixed on the movie.
You were upset. You were mad at him. And the whole week had passed without Joel noticing it. Maybe it was about time.
You felt his eyes on the back of your head. You wanted nothing more than to turn around and make up for the lost time. Clear all the distance that had somehow forged its way between two of you.
But you didn’t. You resisted. You wanted to check your and his limits
“Of course, and Lock is gonna be there” Joel scoffed, placing his hands on his hips where he stood at the back of the sofa you sat on.
That hit the button instead. You exhaled a shallow breath, not believing your ears,
“What is that supposed to mean?” you turned to face him, his typical annoyed stance in display for you; fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You know very well,” his eyes met yours for a brief second, before he moved to exit
To say you were furious was an understatement. You abandoned your popcorns and movie as you scurried away to chase him,
He faced the cabinets before he heard your angry stomping in the kitchen.
“What the fuck, Joel?” you barked
He just stood there, leaning against the counter. His arms folded against his chest as he glared back at you,
Frustration bubbled inside of you. Taking a step closer, you let the anger get the best of you,
“You fucking canceled on me for sake of your buddies,” you were fuming, “you didn’t even notice me being upset” you voice rose with every sentence, “and now you’re accusing me?!”
“Lower your fucking voice!” he roared causing you to shudder,
“You’re unbelievable, Miller” you back stepped to the door of the kitchen before you left
As soon as you stepped out of kitchen you spotted Sarah sitting on the sofa hugging her legs,
“You guys are fighting again?” she mumbled
Your heart shattered at her state. You were quick to sit by her side, engulfing her in your arms,
“Oh no, honey,” you kissed her hair, “it’s just- you know- we don’t always agree on the things” you caressed her hair
She sniffled, facing you, “so- so you’re not leaving, right?” her wet eyes shining with hope and that was not helping to your breaking heart,
Your throat tightened so you stuck with shaking your head ‘no’ and a tight smile
Few minutes had passed and Sarah was already asleep on your shoulder. You calmly woke her so she doesn’t hurt her neck in that position. Tucking her in the bed, you closed her door and were met with Joel.
He stood there, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He jerked his head in the direction of your shared bedroom, asking you to join him, and so you did.
Once the door closed, he turned to you, grasping your small hands in his,
“I’m sorry” he croaked, “for everything,”
You looked up at him and gave him a sincere smile as you nodded, “let’s go to sleep,”
None of you talked about your feelings. None of you shared about the insecurities that you both had regarding each other. None of you reached out for the other to cuddle.
-
“I’ll wait outside, you can grab whatever you need, yeah?” Joel said as he digged his wallet for his card
You only nodded as taking the card and hopping out of his truck, rushing into the mart.
Joel lit a cigarette as he watched you from the driving seat. He knew this was all wrong. It was a lose-lose situation. He couldn’t be with you openly, scared of more rude comments towards you (he could manage the ones thrown at him) but still everyone was aware of your relationship and hence, bringing up the topic out of nowhere.
You, on the other hand, were embarrassed, feeling Joel didn’t want to be seen with you. You both had moved past the point of discussing your feelings and knee-deep in the mess
Once you returned, Joel tried to reach for your hand but you were quick to pull away. It was like a reflex and you almost regretted it. Almost.
He cleared his throat in an awkward way, “uh- you’re still up for Bill and Frank’s party tomorrow?”
“Yeah, but I’ll go there with,” you swallowed, too hard to push the words out of your mouth, “with Lace,”
Joel took a double look at you, “uh, any specific reason?” he asked trying his best to stay calm,
“Yeah, she wanted me there to help her with outfits and make up so i might as well leave with her,” you shrugged, nervously tugging on your nails.
“Okay,” he said lowly, almost as a whisper,
-
“Don’t make dinner tonight” Joel said a few hours after you both had got home,
“Why? Are you with your boys tonight?” No matter how much you tried to keep the anger at bay, somehow it slipped,
Joel sighed, as he walked to you, his eyes trained on you. But your gaze couldn't meet his. As if you were hiding something, like you were not honest, except that you were. You were just fed up with your fights with Joel. Fed up with not sharing thoughts like you used to.
“No, I'll get take-out on my way back,” he said. Your brows furrowed, “We’ll just relax and maybe watch a movie, your choice. How does that sound?” he explained his plans for the night,
You nodded, “okay, sounds good, but can we maybe dine out? There’s this pretty place-”
“Baby, I really want just the two of us, we can go next time, ‘kay?” he pressed his lips on your forehead,
You gave him a tight smile, “sure”
All you wanted was for him to love you openly. All he wanted was to keep you from any and every hurt even if it meant he had to avoid being seen together. If only you both spoke your feelings.
-
“Honestly, I think he’s not opening up to you because you won’t get it since you’re young, y’know?” Lace said as she fixed her dress, “Do you really think you’re the best match for him? Woman his age are dying to marry him,”
You tried to stop another flood of tears threatening to fall from your eyes. Your eyes were already swollen from the crying you had today at Lace’s because you were watching your relationship with Joel fall apart. It was all perfect when the world didn’t know. The bubble had bursted.
“You’re right,” you sighed,
-
Joel didn’t really prepare for his appearance as much as he did for the looks thrown his way when he moved with you. You and him didn’t know how to handle the criticisms and that had your relationship at stake.
He arrived at bill and frank’s and eagerly started to look for you. But you were nowhere to be found. He had texted you but there was no response from you. Were you even coming?
He met with his friends and like a habit, everyone asked about you.
He stepped on the front porch, desperately escaping from endless questions and trying to muster up excuses of your absence. Two shots in, he felt his brother hand on his shoulder, “heartbreak?” Tommy asked as he sipped his whiskey,
Joel only grunted in response, not really paying attention to his question, “so when did it happen?”
That had his attention, “what?”
“The breakup and that” Joel followed Tommy’s gaze.
You had just gotten out of the car and stumbled your way inside. Lock’ hand pressed to your lower back as he guided you inside the house. Lace quickly trailing behind you both, struggling with her own dress.
Joel’s lips parted in shock. How could you do this? What was happening? The liquor had started to dizzy his mind.
The look on Joel’s face was enough to let Tommy know that he was oblivious to the situation just like him.
“There’s someone I'd like you to meet,” Tommy said carefully, and convincingly.
Joel eyes took a few seconds before moving from the door from where you had just entered the house,
He just nodded in response, before he chugged the entire bottle in one go.
He was mad. He was disappointed. He was angry. But most importantly, he was hurt. But one thing about him, he was a hard person to go and confront. Why would he do that when he can do things he won’t remember the next morning?
The last sober thought was you. Then the rest was alcohol in his veins controlling his mind.
—-----
You left Lace’s apartment as you hurried to Lock' car.
“Hi, Lace is coming, told me to go,” you said as you greeted him,
Lace took solid 10 minutes before she appeared on the entrance door of the building. Those 10 minutes you listened to Lock talking about some girl he’s madly in love with and will ask her out tomorrow. She was a friend of your friend, she was nice. You were genuinely happy for him.
You were on your way when you checked your phone. You didn’t realize you had missed a text from Joel. You swiped to reply to him, telling him you were on your way. But Lace snatched the phone from you,
“Enough using phone for tonight,” she grinned
You instinctively chased her hand and turned to the backseat. Unknown to you, your dress had stuck in the door.
Rip.
You heard and felt your fabric tearing from your back. With your shocked expression, Lace was concerned,
“I think I ripped my dress from the back,” you said slowly, reaching your hand on your back and you felt your skin. “Oh my god, I just ripped my dress!” you cried,
“Is it something a needle and thread can fix?” Lock asked as he tried to calm the chaos you both had created,
Lace inspected the ripped part, “i think so, i can do it but where do we get the needle and thread?”
“Frank has it,” Lock informed,
Your face was contorted in worry, your phone long forgotten,
“Okay, Lock you cover her way up to the restroom, I’ll go get the things I need from Frank,” Lace ordered as you all got off the vehicle.
And so you all rushed in. Your mind was directed to; will Lace be able to fix my dress?
You didn’t greet anyone as you bolted toward the restroom. Lock stayed outside as you rushed inside. Lace quickly returned and fixed your dress.
“And all done!” she said excitedly
You turned your neck to the mirror to see that indeed she had done a good job.
Leaving the bathroom, you parted ways with Lace and Lock as you went out looking for Joel.
“Hey! Have you seen Joel?” you asked Bill,
“Why yes, he’s finally got some sense back,” he tilted his glass in Joel’s direction,
There stood Joel, no, there swayed Joel in the arms of a stranger. Joel’s arms linked loosely around her as her’s around his neck, pulling him closer,
“perfect match,” Bill added,
Your lips parted to say something but no words came out, “wh-” you began but were immediately cut by Bill as he clicked his tongue and shook his head,
“Don’t go ruining a good thing now, kid,”
You couldn't avert your gaze from the scene in front of you until it was blurred by your tears.
“Excuse me” your voice shook, as you turned away, tears spilling as you ran to the restroom again.
How bad you wished you didn’t leave the restroom, or that you left a little later until he detached himself from her.
Did he really fall out of love? Did he really let them dictate him? You wanted to go and confront but-
You broke down. Bad.
You didn’t mind your makeup, that you put on with precision, smudging. Your knees hit the bathroom floor as you cried your eyes out.
The ringing of the phone caused you to take a break. Taking out the phone more tears fell from your eyes as Joel’s name displayed on your screen.
The ringing ceased and a text followed a few minutes later,
Joel: Where are you?
You scoffed at his text. You wanted to go to him and scream at him. But you didn't want to give in to all the people who told you this was never gonna work. Sure your relationship had gone down the hill since last month. But was ending the relationship really better than running in a circle every other day? Loving Joel only in the boundaries of your house?
You wanted to go home, Joel’s house, and move out. This wasn’t going to work. You had decided. The thought of officially ending the relationship pulled new strings of tears from your eyes as you texted Lace about going home before you stuffed the phone in your purse.
Just like you had entered, keeping your gaze lowered, you left the exact same way. You heard the unmistaken sound of a voice calling your name but you couldn’t stop and turn. No, you kept moving.
You exited the main gate and walked on the side of the street. You were walking quickly, wanting to go away from him as fast as possible. You heard the familiar voice called you again,
“What is it, Joel?” you seethed as you turned around.
You looked horrible, you knew it but you couldn’t care less right now.
Joel eyes widened at your appearance,
“Jus’ wanted to ask, how long have you been with Lock?” he whispered as if even he was ashamed of asking the question. He looked down, prepared for any answer that you had to offer
Your heart dropped at his question, “what?” oh how bad you hoped you heard it wrong,
“Ya heard it,” he muttered, “i saw you both, ‘s okay, i understa-”
Before he could complete his sentence, you had walked up to him, staring deep in his eyes, “are you fucking kidding me right now?” your voice was low but hid a menace beneath it,
Joel stayed quiet, he looked at you but his eyes were empty.
“Are you serious, Joel?” your voice shook, all of your power was used up at keeping your tears from falling,
“How about you tell me about you dancing in someone else’s arms?” your voice rose and you pushed him back, “was that what you've been doing in my absence?!” you hit his chest, “tell me!” your voice wavered and once again the dam broke, “tell me Joel!”
The sides of your fist kept colliding with Joel’s hard chest as you let everything out, “tell me why were you so embarrassed of me? Of us?” joel stayed silent as he received your weak punches and watched the tears stain your face
“Tell me where did we go wrong?” you energy had drained before you slowly uttered the last question
“When did you stop loving me?” that was his last straw, as he held your wrist just as you were pulling away,
“Don’t” he said firmly, “anything but that”
“We’ve fallen apart,” you croaked, “Gonna take a miracle to save us this time-”
“I still love you,” he promised
You shook your head as your released your hands from his grip,
“Then tell me why didn’t I feel loved?” you whispered
Joel once again fell silent, “I-” he shook his head, wanting to wake up from the worst nightmare,
His throat tightened, he wanted to tell you that he wanted to protect you. But your outburst told him the only way you would’ve felt protected was if he held your hand in front of everyone.
He began, not knowing what to say but his mind screamed one thing,
Don't say goodbye, don't say goodbye
You wiped the tears from your face as you took a deep breath,
“Goodbye, Joel”
You turned and walked away as Joel stood still. The wind blew cold against his skin.
Did he throw away the best part of his life?
It’s alright, Just two hearts breakin’ even tonight
You’d go and get on with your life, he’ll get on with his’, broken hearts can’t call the cops, it’s a perfect crime.
