History for Liars

Recreating the past every day with only a "This Day in History" calendar, an overactive imagination, and some elbow grease. Think of it as historical fan fiction. Facts sold separately. Contact: [email protected]

[historyforliars]

January 1, 1958: Johnny Cash plays his first ever prison concert at San Quentin.

[historyforliars]

San Quentin Penitentiary outside of San Francisco, 1958.

WHERE: Wherever they play concerts in a prison. 

WHEN: 50 minutes into the concert.

JOHNNY CASH: Thank y’all for having us. Now’s the time where I’ll take any requests y’all might have. Any songs y’all miss from the outside? They don’t have to be mine, if my band and I know ‘em, we’ll play ‘em.

There is a loud reaction from the prisoners. 

JOHNNY CASH: You sir, what would you like to hear?

PRISONER 1: Hi Mr. Cash, I’m Bud Lewis. I’m in jail for arson. Can you play “Great Balls of Fire”?

JOHNNY CASH: Sure can, sir. Let me just get a few more suggestions.

PRISONER: I’m Dennis Reed. Doing a few years for taking out my brother’s eyes. Can you  play “Beautiful Bown Eyes”?

JOHNNY  CASH: Yessir, I guess I can do that. 

PRISONER 3: The name’s Richie Rodriguez. I’m here because I kidnapped a kid. Can you play “Look Look, There’s a Kid in My Trunk”? 

JOHNNY CASH: Who wrote that one? 

PRISONER 3: I think it was Chubby Checker. 

PRISONER 4: Yeah definitely Chubby Checker.

JOHNNY CASH: Yeah I guess we could. Y’all don’t have to tell me what y’all are here for, by the way. 

PRISONER 5: Name’s Sludge. I pushed a woman into a river. 

JOHNNY CASH: Sir, I’m not sure I know any songs about pushing women into rivers.

PRISONER 5: Oh, that’s alright. Do you know “I’m Going to Kill My Cellmate Jerry Tonight”?

JOHNNY CASH: I don’t think so.

PRISONER 6: Hi Mr. Cash, my name’s Jerry! I’m in jail for fraud. Can you play “Hey Sludge, Please Don’t Kill Me, I’ll Do Whatever You Say”?

JOHNNY CASH: What genre is that?

PRISONER 6: I think it’s Motown.

PRISONER 4: Yeah it’s definitely Motown.

PRISONER 7: Hey Johnny, it’s Bill Gunnels over here! I just think you’re the greatest. I’m doing time for kissing random girls in public. Can you play “I Love Being in Prison And Love Everybody Here”? 

PRISONER 5: I changed my mind. Can you play “Nevermind, Let’s Kill Bill Gunnels Instead”? 

PRISONER 6: Yeah, I second that. And then can you play “Thanks Sludge”?

PRISONER 5: And then play, “This Doesn’t Mean You’re Off the Hook Jerry”.

PRISONER 6: Oh, and then go ahead and play “I Know, I Know, I’m Really Sorry For Walking In On You Going To The Bathroom But It’s A Single Cell And I Can’t Really Control That”?

PRISONER 5: Yeah, then right after that play “Look, I Get What You’re Saying, But I Try My Hardest To Respect Your Privacy, And I Just Wish You Would Respect Mine As Much, And Just Because We’re Cellmates Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be With Me All The Time”.

PRISONER 6: Oh, and Mr. Cash, if you could, right after that song, play “Okay, I’ll Work On That, But I Can’t Work On It If You Kill Me”.

PRISONER 5: I think a good final song would be “I’ll Remember That, And I Think This is Something We Should Discuss Later, But If You Wanted To Help Me Kill Bill Let Me Know”. 

PRISONER 6: Oh, and after that, just go ahead and play “I Will Let You Know”.

PRISONER 5: Then play “Good”.

PRISONER 6: And then play, “Yeah, Good”. 

PRISONER 7: You guys, I have never heard any of these songs. They sound like a hoot. 

PRISONER 5: Yeah Bill, you’d love ‘em! 

JOHNNY CASH: You know what? I’m just going to play “Ring of Fire” again. 

AND THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 31, 1907: The first New Year's Eve Ball Drop takes place to rally attention for the new "New York Times" building.

WHERE: Times Square in New York City.

Adolph Ochs, the publisher of the New York Times, stands below the New York Times building with several of his friends.

ADOLPH OCHS: Everybody! In just a FEW MINUTES we will see a brand NEW celebration to celebrate the NEW year! 

FRIEND 1: A NEW celebration?!  

FRIEND 2: For the NEW year?

ADOLPH OCHS: Yes! It's going to be bright! And brilliant! And NEW! In NEW York! 

FRIEND 3: NEW York for the NEW year! There's NEWwhere else to be! 

ADOLPH OCHS: Nothing is NEWer! 

FRIEND 4: And how would you know, Adolph?

ADOLPH OCHS: I work for the NEW York Times! 

FRIEND 5: So you're up to date on what's NEW?! 

ADOLPH OCHS: Don't patronize me, pal! You already NEW that! 

Everyone laughs like an idiot.

ADOLPH OCHS: (looks at his watch) Thirty more seconds! Thirty more seconds until we celebrate the NEW year in NEW York City with a NEW celebration brought to us by the NEW York Times! 

FRIEND 6: How amazing is it going to be?! 

ADOLPH OCHS: More amazing than ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN! You might need to get NEW eyes! 

FRIEND 6: Sounds painful! 

ADOLPH OCHS: But they'd be better! Because they'd be NEW!!! NEW NEW NEW!!!

FRIEND 6: That's really weird! 

ADOLPH OCHS: (looks at his watch) Ten seconds! Everyone! Count down to the NEW CELEBRATION for the NEW YEAR! 

EVERYONE: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! 

Everyone looks up to see a large sphere made of iron in wood covered in 100 light bulbs slide down the the flagpole atop the New York Times building. 

EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

ADOLPH OCHS: NEWWY NEW NEW!!!! What did you guys think?! How amazing and NEW was that?! 

FRIEND 7: Boy was it new! 

FRIEND 8: More new than anything I'd ever seen! 

FRIEND 9: I liked it the old way.

Everyone goes silent.

ADOLPH OCHS: What did you say? 

FRIEND 9: Well, last year, I just sat at home with my wife and talked about how great the past year was. That was a nice time. I miss that. We should do it the old way.

Adolph Ochs goes over to this man. He slaps him in the face.

ADOLPH OCHS: I think it's time for you to find some NEW FRIENDS, YOU OLD FART! GET OUT OF HERE! 

The man leaves.

ADOLPH OCHS: Anyone else miss the OLD DAYS?

No one says anything.

ADOLPH OCHS: THEN SOMEONE BRING ME A NEW BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND LET'S CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR IN NEW YORK CITY! MAY THE YEAR CONTINUE TO BE NEW AND BEAUTIFUL AND MOSTLY NEW! BECAUSE NEW IS COOL AND SO AM I! HAPPY NEWWWW YEAR! 

EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

[historyforliars]

December 30, 1916: Rasputin is murdered by Russian nobles.

WHERE: Yusupovsky Palace in St. Petersburg, Russia.

A large group of Russian nobles stands around, preparing a meal.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: (standing at one place at the table) And this is where that bastard Rasputin will sit, where we'll poison him and kill him! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Are we sure this plan will work?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: Yeah, is this a sure thing?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: He'll die for sure? 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Of course. This is the plan. This is happening. We're going to kill that scoundrel. What's the problem?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: He's the scariest looking man I've ever seen.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: Seriously. I saw Rasputin on a hot day and he STILL gave me chills.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: He looks like a living ghost. He makes me scream.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: You guys, we have to do this for the good of the country. I admit he's strange, but he's not that scary.

There is a knock at the door.

RUSSIAN NOBLES 2, 3, AND 4: AHHHH! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: RUNN! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: HIDE! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Men! Get ahold of yourselves! We invited him here to murder him. We'll just give him the poison and he'll die. That's that.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Fine.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: This better work.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: I'm sitting close to the door just in case.

The first Russian noble opens the door. Rasputin is there.

RASPUTIN: Hellooooo.

Lightning strikes. The three scared Russian nobles scream.

RASPUTIN: Nasty night, isn't it?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: It wasn't raining a second ago.

RASPUTIN: Hmmm. Straaaaange.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Please, come in, Mr.--

The first Russian noble looks around and realizes Rasputin has already sat down in his place at the table.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Oh. You're in.

RASPUTIN: How are all of you doing toniiiiight?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Mighty mighty fine.

RASPUTIN: Fine?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Yes.

RASPUTIN: You're doing fine?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Yes?

RASPUTIN: Are you?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Well not anymore. 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: Would you like some wine?

RASPUTIN: Suuuure. 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: Here you go.

The Russian noble pours out some of the poisoned wine.

RASPUTIN: I like your coat, by the way.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: TAKE IT! DON'T HURT ME! 

The Russian noble throws his coat at Rasputin.

RASPUTIN: Reallllly? Thaaaaank you.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: Let's make a t--(he pauses) Let's make a t-- (pauses again) A t--- a t--ohh----

RASPUTIN: A toast?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: A TOAST. Yes. Thank you. To Rasputin, may he die! 

RASPUTIN: What did you say?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: I said,"To Rasputin! May he live forever!"

RASPUTIN: Wonderfullll.

Everyone drinks and then watches Rasputin.

RASPUTIN: Ooooh. Delicious wiiiiine.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Do you like it?

RASPUTIN: Yes! I especially like the poisonnnn.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: Puh--puh--poison? 

RASPUTIN: Yessss. I like the poison you put in here. It's my favorite kind. I just had some for breakfast. So kind of you to provide me with more poisonnnnn. How did you even knowwww? 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: We're glad you like it. Can you excuse us? We have to get dinner ready.

RASPUTIN: Of courrrrse. Would you mind if I played the organ while I wait?

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: We don't...We don't have an organ.

RASPUTIN: What do you call THAT?

Lightning flashes. Rasputin points and there is a jet black organ in the corner.

RUSSIAN NOBLES 2, 3, AND 4: EEEEK! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Sure! Play away! We'll be right back. 

RASPUTIN: Woooonderfulllllll.

Rasputin plays his organ. The Russian nobles go into the kitchen.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: (to the other Russian nobles) We need to get out of here.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: (whispering) I can feel my hair going white from fear just being around him.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: (whispering) Did anyone else see that CENTIPEDE FALL OUT OF HIS NOSE? I SWEAR IT HAPPENED.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: (whispering) MEN. Control yourselves. We said we would kill him tonight. The future of our country depends on it. If the poison doesn't kill him then we'll just have to shoot him. Who wants to shoot him? NOT IT.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: NOT IT.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: NOT IT.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: NOT---dammit.

The first Russian noble hands the fourth Russian noble a gun. They return to the dinner table.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: We're back, and we brought our dinner--Rasputin?

They look around. Rasputin is nowhere to be found. They hear a knock on the door.

RUSSIAN NOBLES 2, 3, AND 4: OOK! 

The first Russian noble opens the door. Rasputin is standing there.

RASPUTIN: Helllooooo. Did I miss dinnerrrr? 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: How'd you get outside?

RASPUTIN: I thought I heard a wolf. I went to kill it.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Did you kill it?

RASPUTIN: YES I DID.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Well come on in, let's eat our dinner.

RASPUTIN: I would have let myself in, but the door was locked.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: How did you leave?

RASPUTIN: I unlocked the door, then locked the door behind me.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: And why did you lock the door behind you?

RASPUTIN: To protect this house from MONSTERS.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: Monsters?

RASPUTIN: MONSTERS.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: SHOOT HIM! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: SHOOT HIM NOW! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: NOW? 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: NOW! 

RASPUTIN: YES, SERGEI! NOW! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?

RASPUTIN: I LISTEN TO YOUR NIGHTMARES.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: DO IT! 

RASPUTIN: YES, DO IT! KILL ME! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?

RASPUTIN: NO! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: THEN WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO?

RASPUTIN: BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO FREAK YOU OUT.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: IT'S WORKING! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM NOW! 

RASPUTIN: Can you shoot me while I'm...JUGGLING? 

All of a sudden, Rasputin starts juggling.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: WHAT?

RASPUTIN: But could you shoot me while I'm...CLIMBING THE CURTAINS?

All of a sudden, Rasputin starts climbing the curtains.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: STOP DOING THAT.

RASPUTIN: Could you maybe shoot me while I'm...SHOOTING MYSELF??

Rasputin pulls a gun on himself.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RASPUTIN: Hurry! Kill me! Or I'LL KILL ME! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: HE'S FREAKING ME OUT! 

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: JUST SHOOT HIM! 

The Russian noble shoots Rasputin. 

RASPUTIN: You shot me! Noooo! Now I turn into a thousand bats! 

RUSSIAN NOBLES 2, 3, AND 4: NOOOO! 

Rasputin falls over dead.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 1: We did it.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: We killed Rasputin.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: He's not scary at all anymore. Now he's just a dead guy.

Pause.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 4: OH MY GOD THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN MY LIVING ROOM.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 3: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

RUSSIAN NOBLE 2: I'M BURNING THIS PALACE TO THE GROUND. 

The Russian nobles run out of the palace.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 29, 1845: Texas enters the Union.

WHERE: The state celebration in Austin, Texas. 

President James K. Polk stands with former Texas President (and now Texas Governor) Sam Houston.

JAMES K. POLK: Well, Mr. Houston, we couldn't be happier to have Texas as part of this great country.

SAM HOUSTON: Mr. President, we are overjoyed as well. This is going to be a great partnership for now.

JAMES K. POLK: For now?

SAM HOUSTON: I'm sorry, did I say for now? I meant forever! 

JAMES K. POLK: This is an eternal bond between the US and the great people of Texas! 

SAM HOUSTON: Yes! An eternal bond for a while! 

JAMES K. POLK: "For a while"?

SAM HOUSTON: My mistake! Forever and ever! 

JAMES K. POLK: You're going to love being a part of the United States. We're a very strong country and Texas will make us even stronger.

SAM HOUSTON: We can't wait to make this country stronger until we don't feel like it anymore! 

JAMES K. POLK: Mr. Houston, are you saying Texas won't be part of the United States for long?

SAM HOUSTON: No, not at all! 

JAMES K. POLK: Because you won't really have a chance to quit once you join.

SAM HOUSTON: We won't want to! 

JAMES K. POLK: Good. Very good. 

SAM HOUSTON: Unless we do want to! 

JAMES K. POLK: Sam. 

SAM HOUSTON: I'm sorry. We Texans commit to things. So we'll commit to being Americans.

JAMES K. POLK: That's nice to hear.

SAM HOUSTON: The problem is, we already committed to being Texans. And that's a pretty big commitments.

JAMES K. POLK: We're not asking your people not to be Texans. We're asking them to be Texans AND Americans. We just want you to wear two hats.

SAM HOUSTON: We already wear one pretty big hat.

JAMES K. POLK: Sam...

SAM HOUSTON: I'll tell you right now, I am ready to be an American. That's what I want. My allegiance lies with you.

JAMES K. POLK: As it should.

SAM HOUSTON: The rest of Texas, however, might want us to leave.

JAMES K. POLK: Well that's not an option! 

SAM HOUSTON: You're right! We're Americans! We'll be Americans until we die! 

JAMES K. POLK: That's what I like to hear! 

SAM HOUSTON: Unless we want to die as Texans! 

JAMES K. POLK: Sam! 

SAM HOUSTON: Sorry! 

JAMES K. POLK: I want your allegiance! 

SAM HOUSTON: You have it, wholeheartedly! 

JAMES K. POLK: It doesn't sound like it.

SAM HOUSTON: When you need us, we'll be here.

JAMES K. POLK: What about when we don't need you?

SAM HOUSTON: We'll be loud.

JAMES K. POLK: This makes me nervous.

SAM HOUSTON: Oh if you're nervous we'll just go ahead and secede.

JAMES K. POLK: Don't! 

SAM HOUSTON: Just kidding.

JAMES K. POLK: Are you?

SAM HOUSTON: Ehhhh.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 28, 1895: The first commercial movie is screened by the Lumiere brothers.

WHERE: The Grand Cafe in Paris, France. 

Louis and Auguste Lumiere stand in front of a small crowd of people. Behind them is a small screen.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to present to you one of the most exciting things we've ever seen: a machine that actually plays moving pictures! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: That's correct! To prove it, we shot a short film of our workers leaving the factory that we own. It's fascinating! You're going to love it! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: But before we show you the film, we told a few people in the local area that they would be able to show before the film a few things that they are working on that will come soon.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Yes, a few "coming attractions", if you may. 

LOUIS LUMIERE: We think all films should have coming attractions. You will become excited about the future.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: The first coming attraction is from us! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: Yes! Be sure to come to our NEXT film, which will be of a few beautiful ladies walking into a store. We have the ladies here. Stand up ladies! 

The ladies stand up.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Now walk as though you'd be walking into a store.

They do.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Fascinating! I want to see more of that! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: Then you'll have to come to our next film! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: You're teasing me! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: That is the point.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Start the film! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: NO TALKING DURING PREVIEWS.

LOUIS LUMIERE: KEEP QUIET.

Pause.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Our next coming attraction is from local eccentric architect, Gustave Eiffel.

Gustave Eiffel walks to the front of the room.

GUSTAVE EIFFEL: Uhhh...in a couple o' years...uh... I'm a-gonna builda tower. It's a-gonna looka lika dis.

Gustave Eiffel puts his hands over his heads and claps them together.

GUSTAVE EIFFEL: It's a-gonna be apriddy.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Do you mean pretty?

GUSTAVE EIFFEL: Dat's what I a-said. Apriddy.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Well! I'm intrigued! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: What a nice preview Gustave! Thank you very much! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: When can we look forward to that?

GUSTAVE EIFFEL: Like afour uhyears.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Are you Italian?

GUSTAVE EIFFEL: A-no.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Fantastic! We're certainly titillated. 

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I wanna see the film! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: NO TALKING.

LOUIS LUMIERE: THESE PREVIEWS ARE IMPORTANT.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: PART OF SEEING FILMS IS SEEING THE PREVIEWS.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Okay.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Okay.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Our last coming attraction is from Frank, the baker here at the Grand Cafe.

Frank comes out.

FRANK THE BAKER: I just put some bread in the oven. 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: And when do we expect that bread to drop, Frank? 

FRANK THE BAKER: About an hour.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Sounds like an exciting project! 

FRANK THE BAKER: Lots of people like my bread.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Yes, I hear your bread got a glowing review with the peasants in Monmartre! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: Stinky Jaques down on the street corner calls his bread "A MUST-EAT!"

FRANK THE BAKER: Very cool.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Frank's Bread! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Coming Soon! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I just wanna see the movie! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: NO TALKING.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: THIS IS NOT A PLACE FOR TALKING.

LOUIS LUMIERE: WE WILL KICK YOU OUT.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: RIGHT ON YOUR BUTT.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Okay.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Okay.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Whew.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Woah.

LOUIS LUMIERE: The movie is now starting.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Please silence anything that makes noise.

LOUIS LUMIERE: Which includes babies, slide whistles, and any canaries you for some reason brought to a cafe.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: We now present--our first movie! 

The lights go down. The movie lasts for 2 minutes. The lights come back up.

LOUIS LUMIERE: That's the film! We hope you liked it! 

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: Thanks for coming! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER: The previews were longer than the film! 

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: HEY.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: HEY.

LOUIS LUMIERE: You're right.

AUGUSTE LUMIERE: And we're sorry.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 27, 1904: "Peter Pan" by J. M. Barrie opens in London.

WHERE: The Duke of York's Theatre in London.

It is the middle of the play when Tinkerbell drinks poison in order to save Peter Pan from one of Captain Hook's evil plans. Tinkerbell, represented in this production by a small light, flickers, and Peter Pan looks out to the audience. 

PETER PAN: Tink--you're dying? Your light is growing faint, and if it goes out that means you're DEAD. Your voice is so low I can scarcely hear what you're saying. You say...you think...you think you could get well again if...if...if...if what Tink? If children believed in fairies? 

Peter Pan then turns to the audience.

PETER PAN: Do YOU believe? 

There is a pause. In the audience, whispers start.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Is he talking to us?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Is he? He can't be.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Is there another actor in the audience? 

PETER: Do YOU believe in fairies???

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: He HAS to be talking to us! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: Why would he talk to us, we have nothing to do with this.

AUDIENCE MEMBER  6: Were we supposed to memorize lines before we came? I didn't get any lines.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: There's GOTTA be another actor in the audience. Maybe someone is dressed up as a normal person and they're about to surprise us?

PETER PAN: Who here believes in fairies??! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7: Okay he just looked me straight in the eye. Like, STRAIGHT in the eye.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: Don't look back at him! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7: Where am I supposed to look?? I came here to stare at the stage all night! If I knew they'd stare back I would have stayed home.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: Maybe he forgot his lines and he's looking for the director. Maybe he doesn't know what he's supposed to say.

PETER PAN: Everybody! I need your help! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 10: Okay, he just said "everybody". He's definitely talking to us.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: Then what do we do??? 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 11: I did not come here to participate.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Maybe the whole cast is hiding in the audience. Are you guys the cast of the show?

SEVERAL AUDIENCE MEMBERS: No.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: That's exactly what the cast would say.

PETER PAN: Everybody, if you believe, say that you believe! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 12: What is that going to do?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: If it's written, it's written. 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 5: I'll say what you want me to say but I don't know what that is.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: I believe.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: I'll tell you I believe too, but I don't really believe in any of this. I don't even believe in pirates and people tell me those are actually real.

PETER PAN: Clap your hands if you believe! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: Did he just ask for applause?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: That turns me off.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 10: I'll clap if I want to.

PETER PAN: Come on everybody, Tinkerbell is dying! Clap to show you believe! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 11: I am a doctor. I know for a fact that clapping cannot keep someone alive. I HAVE TRIED AND IT DOES NOT WORK.

PETER PAN: Clap if you believe in fairies! Clap if you believe in fairies! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 12: Listen everybody, I think if we clap, it'll get the pressure off of us. 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 6: But what if they're just trying to see what they can get away with? 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7: Yeah! First it's clapping, but anything could be next. What if they ask us to sing along to something?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: No. That's horrifying.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: What if they ask to interview one of us? 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: NO. That's even worse. 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 4: What if they come into the audience and BRING US ONSTAGE???

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: OH MY GOD I'm going to throw up! 

Audience Member 8 throws up.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 12: But how do we stop this madness?! 

PETER PAN: Everybody, you in the audience! Clap your hands if you believe! 

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: OH MY GOD HE REFFERRED TO US AS AN AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 8: HE BROKE THE 4TH WALL.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 7: I FEEL UNSAFE.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 12: WHAT DO WE DO? 

PETER PAN: DO YOU BELIEVE IN FAIRIES?

Peter Pan takes a step toward the stairs that lead from the stage down into the audience. The entire audience gasps.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 13: HE'S COOOMIIIIING! GIVE HIM WHAT HE WAAAAAAAANTS! 

The entire audience starts clapping. They keep clapping (and some start crying), and the Tinkerbell's light comes back on.

PETER PAN: Tinkerbell! You're alive! Thanks everybody! See Tink? They do believe in fairies! 

Peter Pan runs offstage. The lights go down.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 12: We're safe for now, but there's still more show. At this point, anything could happen.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 9: Now I feel like all of the characters know we're here. I don't want them to know. We have to keep so many secrets.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 6: This turned from a night of fantasy and fun to a night of absolute horror.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: Wait a minute, are ALL OF YOU in this show? Am I the only audience member? Am I even an audience member? What if I'm I in the show but I don't know it? I should never have tried theatre. I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME WITH MY BOOOOOOKS! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 26, 1606: Shakespeare's "King Lear" is performed at the court of King James I of England.

WHERE: The Court of King James I in London, England.

"King Lear" ends. The audience applauds wildly. William Shakespeare comes onstage.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Thank you Your Majesty and his royal court for enjoying our performance of "King Lear". I hope it satisfied your theatrical tastes and left you thinking.

KING JAMES I: Speech! Give a speech! 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: No no, I let my plays speak for themselves. I have nothing to say.

KING JAMES I: You're right. You're not a speech-writer. You're a poet! Recite us a poem! 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Oh, Your Majesty, I couldn't possibly--

KING JAMES I: No no, recite us a poem right now.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I prefer to write beforehand, I'm no good at--

KING JAMES I: I AM YOUR KING AND I DEMAND YOU MAKE ME A POEM. THIS IS A SPECIAL OCCASION. I ENJOYED YOUR PLAY. DO NOT UPSET ME.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Yes, Your Majesty. I shall write you a poem.

William Shakespeare clears his throat.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Here is the poem I shall give to you and members of this royal court. 

My play has just been performed You saw my play People wore costumes and..danced Because a play...is when people wear costumes.

Thank you very much! 

William Shakespeare tries to leave.

KING JAMES I: That's all? That's barely a poem! 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Everyone seems to think I am good at writing poems on the spot, Your Majesty, but everyone is mistaken. My work requires forethought.

KING JAMES I: Another! Give me another! 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I have to go, Your Majesty--

KING JAMES I: I DEMAND ANOTHER.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Yes, Your Majesty.

William Shakespeare clears his throat. 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Another poem, to please the royal court.

What is acting? What is it?  Is it being a normal person?  Is it being a weird person?  Is it wearing a funny hat? Is it doing a silly voice?  Is it dancing around?  Is it staying still? 

Thank you very much! 

William Shakespeare tries to leave.

KING JAMES I: That was not a poem! That was a series of questions! 

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I like to think art is a series of questions.

KING JAMES I: I do not. I think you are not trying hard enough.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Your Majesty, I am no good at writing poems impromptu. My work takes time, and many different drafts. I can recite you a poem that I have previously written.

KING JAMES I: NO. I do not want a miserable old poem.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Well miserable is a little harsh.

KING JAMES I: Give me a new poem! I want a new poem now! WE DEMAND IT! AND MAKE IT GOOD THIS TIME.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Yes, Your Majesty. I shall try my hardest.

William Shakespeare clears his throat.

KING JAMES I: WHAT IS IN YOUR THROAT?

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Nothing, Your Majesty! Nothing at all! And now, to please the royal court, I present you with a William Shakespeare original poem! 

Shirts!  Shoes!  Hats! 

Shirts! Shoes! Hats! 

Pants!  Socks!  Belts! 

Pants! Socks! Belts! 

Undergarments?  No! 

Undergarments! Undergarments! No No No! 

Coats?  Hmmm..... Coats? Coooats? COOOOOATS?

KING JAMES I: Get out of my Court.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Yes, Your Majesty! Thank you for having us! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 25, 6 B.C.: The birth of Jesus Christ.

WHERE: A small stable in the town of Bethlehem, in Judea.

Mary and Joseph sit with the baby Jesus. They are surrounded by a crowd of 10 or 11 shepherds.

MARY: Thank you all for coming to see the birth of my child. That's so sweet. 

SHEPHERD 1: You're welcome.

Long pause.

JOSEPH: Was it a long journey?

SHEPHERD 2: Nah. It was pretty quick.

JOSEPH: That's good.

SHEPHERD 2: There was a little back-up a few hills over. 

SHEPHERD 3: Yeah we had to wait for a couple sheep to pass.

JOSEPH: Oh no.

SHEPHERD 3: But they were quick.

JOSEPH: Oh, so not too bad.

SHEPHERD 3: No, we've seen worse.

JOSEPH: Cool, cool.

Long pause.

JOSEPH: I don't know if we introduced ourselves by the way. I'm Joseph.

MARY: I'm Mary.

SHEPHERD 3: We're all shepherds.

JOSEPH: Do you guys have names?

SHEPHERD 3: Yes we do.

Pause.

JOSEPH: Okay. Cool.

Long pause.

SHEPHERD 4: Beautiful baby.

MARY: Oh thank you! He's the son of God.

SHEPHERD 4: Yeah we heard.

MARY: Oh, right. From the angel.

SHEPHERD 4: Right, right.

Long pause.

JOSEPH: Did the angel say how long you guys had to stay?

SHEPHERD 5: Did you want us to leave?

JOSEPH: No no no--

MARY: That's not--

SHEPHERD 5: We can leave if you need us to leave.

JOSEPH: No no not at all! We were just curious.

MARY: We didn't know if you felt like you guys had to stay or anything.

JOSEPH: Because we totally like the company--

MARY: But if you're all busy, we get it.

JOSEPH: We totally get it if you're all busy and have to go.

SHEPHERD 6: We were just told by an angel to come see the birth of our Savior. 

SHEPHERD 7: And that doesn't sound to me like something you speed through.

SHEPHERD 6: Yeah, it's not like you hear,"Go see the Boy King", and you're like,"I'll pop by for a couple minutes". 

JOSEPH: We're not saying that, we just didn't know how long you were staying.

MARY: And it totally doesn't matter.

JOSEPH: No it doesn't matter at all.

SHEPHERD 7: If it doesn't matter then why are we talking about it?

JOSEPH: Good point? Why are we even talking about it?

MARY: Let's not talk about it.

SHEPHERD 7: Great.

JOSEPH: Great.

MARY: Great.

Long pause.

JOSEPH: I'm curious, what did the angel you saw look like? Because I saw an angel too and I was wondering if they all looked alike, or--

SHEPHERD 8: We're all shepherds, do we all look alike?

JOSEPH: I didn't mean it like that.

SHEPHERD 8: How did you mean it?

JOSEPH: Nevermind.

Long pause.

MARY: Do you guys want something to eat? We have hay.

SHEPHERD 9: I'll have some hay.

MARY: Oh, I was joking.

SHEPHERD 9: So was I.

MARY: Oh. Ha. That's...that's funny. That's really funny.

Long pause.

DAVID: Did you guys see that one giant start tonight? Oh man! What a beauty! 

SHEPHERD 10: Can you please stop talking to us? It's nice and all but we're here for the baby.

MARY: Oh, are we bothering you?

SHEPHERD 10: I don't know, we're here to see the Son of God and you're trying to small talk with us.

DAVID: We just don't want things to be awkward.

SHEPHERD 11: You just gave birth to the SON OF GOD. Don't worry about entertaining us. We're all thoroughly invested in this night. 

MARY: So what are we supposed to do?

SHEPHERD 11: Stare in awe of this beautiful, beautiful baby.

MARY: Are you guys mad at us?

SHEPHERD 11: Why would we be mad at you? We're grateful. But we're men of few words. 

SHEPHERD 10: That doesn't mean we're men of little love, though.

SHEPHERD 11: Good point, shepherd. We have lots of love. And we love you guys. And this baby.

JOSEPH: That's good to hear. Thank you guys for coming.

SHEPHERD 11: Thank you for having us. Happy Holiday.

JOSEPH: This isn't a holiday.

SHEPHERD 11: It is now.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[historyforliars]

December 24, 1923: Calvin Coolidge lights the first national Christmas tree.

WHERE: The White House lawn.

Calvin Coolidge stands surrounded by his staff and family, including his wife Grace Coolidge. The technician of the ceremony comes up to the President.

TECHNICIAN: Mr. President, when you press this button, the tree will light up. So please, go ahead.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: Well. Alright. If you insist.

Calvin Coolidge hits the button. The tree lights up a strand of 2,500 red, green, and white christmas lights.

CROWD MEMBER 1: Wow! 

CROWD MEMBER 2: Beautiful! 

CALVIN COOLIDGE: OH MY GODDDDD.

GRACE COOLIDGE: It's gorgeous, honey.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE THIS! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS! 

GRACE COOLIDGE: Wow, honey, you really like it.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: I GET SO STRESSED. THIS JOB IS SO HARD. BUT THIS. THIS IS SO PRETTY. I'M JUST...I'M JUST SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

GRACE COOLIDGE: That's the holiday spirit!

CALVIN COOLIDGE: I could hug all of you right now. You know what? I WILL. I WILL HUG ALL OF YOU.

Calvin Coolidge runs around hugging everyone.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: (to different people) THANK YOU! THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! MERRY CHRISTMAS! YOU'RE ALL WONDERFUL! I'M SO HAPPY!

GRACE COOLIDGE: Honey, I've never seen you this happy before.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: I can't control myself, Grace. Just looking up at this tree. MAN OH MAN, WHAT A TREE! Surrounded by so many wonderful people. I LOVE YOU ALL! Standing here in such a great country. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE IN CHARGE OF SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE! 

GRACE COOLIDGE: Calvin, you're glowing! 

CALVIN COOLIDGE: And I have this beautiful wife next to me! CAN I BE ANY LUCKIER? WHO THE HELL AM I? I LOVE YOU BABY! 

Calvin Coolidge dips and kisses Grace.

GRACE COOLIDGE: Calvin, what has gotten into you?! You're incensed! 

CALVIN COOLIDGE: When you win the jackpot, Grace, it's important to recognize it. AND IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RECOGNIZE IT!

Someone walks over the chord for the Christmas lights and turns them off. 

CALVIN COOLIDGE: What happened?

TECHNICIAN: Someone must have tripped over the chord and turned the lights off.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: Oh. Well. It was fun while it lasted. I must get back to work.

GRACE COOLIDGE: Calvin, are you okay?

CALVIN COOLIDGE: Fine, dear. I must be going.

TECHNICIAN: There we go.

The technician plugs the chord back in. Once again, the lights light up.

CALVIN COOLIDGE: IT'S MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SUNSET! I COULD STAY HERE FOREVER! 

GRACE COOLIDGE: Didn't you have work, sweetheart?

CALVIN COOLIDGE: I'M TOO AMAZED TO WORK! I JUST WANT TO BE AROUND THESE SPLENDID PEOPLE FOREVER. SOMEONE GET ME EGG NOG! LET'S DANCE! 

GRACE COOLIDGE: I think you like this new tradition, don't you?

CALVIN COOLIDGE: JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE BEING OBVIOUS, GRACE! NOW GO FIND ME A BEARD AND A HAT. I WANNA BE SANTA! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 23, 1888: Vincent van Gogh chops off a part of his left ear.

WHERE: A brothel in the south of France (Arles). 

Two prostitutes, who we'll call Cherri and Luna, are sitting on couches in their downtime.

CHERRI: Men are pigs.

LUNA: Ugh. Men.

CHERRI: I just want a man to care about me.

LUNA: I feel the same way.

CHERRI: I don't want a man to treat me like garbage.

LUNA: Who wants to be treated like garbage?

CHERRI: I don't want to man to come to me guarded.

LUNA: Don't treat me like I'm supposed to be a secret! 

CHERRI: Exactly, Luna! Treat me like you'd want to shout my name from the rooftops! 

LUNA: Give me love, men! 

CHERRI: Give me yourself. Give me honesty. Give me what you are.

LUNA: That's what a real man is.

CHERRI: I real man is someone who will give you all they have. Who will give you a piece of them that you can have forever and always.

LUNA: I couldn't agree more.

Vincent Van Gogh enters with a bandage on his ear and something in his hand.

VINCENT VAN GOGH: CHERRI. I brought you something to show you my love. It's a tangible part of me. It's a piece of me you can have forever and always. Hold out your hand.

Cherri does. Vincent Van Gogh places the lower part of his ear in her hand.

CHERRI: What is this?

VINCENT VAN GOGH: It's a token of love. To show you I've listened to you.

Cherri really looks at it.

CHERRI: Is this part of your ear?

VINCENT VAN GOGH: Bingo.

Cherri and Luna are horrified.

CHERRI: AHHHH!

LUNA: AN EARRRR????

CHERRI: EWWWW!!!

LUNA: NOOOOOO!!!

CHERRI: WHYYYY???

LUNA: GROSSSSSS!!!

VINCENT VAN GOGH: I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!

CHERRI: I DON'T WANT YOUR EAR. WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY DO WITH A PIECE OF YOUR EAR??? GET OUT! 

Vincent Van Gogh runs away. Cherri throws it out.

CHERRI: Why do I always get the CRAZY ONES?

LUNA: Ugh. Men. Always taking things so literally.

CHERRI: I'll never find love.

LUNA: At least you know he's always listening to you now.

CHERRI: EWWW LUNA YOU'RE GROSS!

LUNA: I'M SORRY I COULDN'T RESIST!

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 22, 1956: The first gorilla born in captivity.

WHERE: The Columbus Zoo in Columbus, Ohio. 

Colo, the brand new baby gorilla, is taken into his enclosure by several zookeepers and given to her parent gorillas, Millie and Mac.

Next door, in the giraffe enclosure, Dennis the giraffe stands with his very pregnant wife, Nelda.

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: Looks like the gorillas had their baby.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Oh great, right before us.

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: It looks cute, too.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Does it have knobby knees?

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: No, it has short and stubby knees.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Does it have various opposite-colored spots?

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: No, it has black fur.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Does it have a really long neck? 

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: No, it's a very short neck.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Then it sounds ugly to me.

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: I mean, it's cute if you're into that sort of thing.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Are you into that sort of thing, Dennis?

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: No, I'm just saying.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: What are you saying?

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: Nothing! 

Pause.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: You're sleeping outside tonight.

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: Nelda--

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: You are! You're sleeping outside you black-tongued tramp! 

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: Nelda! I always sleep outside. We both do.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: Well what does THAT say about our relationship?

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: I'm going for a walk.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: GO SEE THE FLAMINGOES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! I SEE YOU CRANE YOUR NECK WHEN THEY FLY BY.

DENNIS THE GIRAFFE: You're impossible right now.

NELDA THE GIRAFFE: BRING BACK SOME EUCALYPTUS, I'M HAVING CRAVINGS.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 21, 1967: "The Graduate" opens in New York movie theaters.

WHERE: Outside of the Lincoln Art Theater on Broadway in NYC.

Chris and David, two 14 year-olds, stand outside of the theater after seeing "The Graduate". 

CHRIS: That movie was so good! 

DAVID: I know! I'm so glad we snuck into that instead of seeing "Doctor Dolittle"! 

CHRIS: I didn't know movies could be like that.

DAVID: I know. Everything seems different now. I feel like grown-up.

CHRIS: Where's my mom? She should be picking us up any second.

DAVID: Oh yeah. Your mom.

CHRIS: What?

DAVID: I don't know. Your mom...I'm thinking...differently about her.

CHRIS: David, don't say stuff like that. That's gross.

DAVID: I don't know. Maybe me and your mom will have a Mrs. Robinson thing going on.

CHRIS: That's terrible, David. She's not Mrs. Robinson at all. She's Mrs. Brandenbacher...my mother.

DAVID: I don't know. Me and her might have a thing.

CHRIS: How would you two have a thing? 

DAVID: Sometimes we talk when you're not even in the room.

CHRIS: When??

DAVID: Earlier today.

CHRIS: When I went to the bathroom?

DAVID: Yeah. We totally had...a conversation.

CHRIS: About what?

DAVID: Really small oranges. We talked about how tasty they were.

CHRIS: Why?

DAVID: We were eating oranges.

CHRIS: So how could you talk?

DAVID: Well, I ate a slice, and I was like,"Yummy". And she was like, "Yeah".

CHRIS: David that's not anything.

DAVID: Well you should have seen how she was looking at me.

CHRIS: How was she looking at you?

DAVID: She was staring at me.

CHRIS: Were you staring at her?

DAVID: Yes.

CHRIS: Then that's probably why.

DAVID: She was paying a lot of attention to me.

CHRIS: SHE WAS BEING POLITE.

DAVID: Look man, are you jealous of me and your mom?

CHRIS: No, because one, that would be gross, and two, there's nothing. I'm worried for you because you're sounding like a crazy person.

DAVID: Look man, older women just have a thing for me.

CHRIS: What older women?

DAVID: Some teachers at our school.

CHRIS: Our Catholic School? Some of the nuns?

DAVID: Yeah, they're always shouting my name.

CHRIS: Because you're always late for school!

DAVID: And they love me! 

CHRIS: This was a bad idea. You shouldn't have seen this movie.

DAVID: It just reminds me of my own life. I already knew that. I'm a guy that people wanna...smooch.

CHRIS: Smooch?

DAVID: Yeah. Smooooch.

CHRIS: Not everyone in the world wants to "smooch" you, David. In fact, probably no one.

DAVID: Why do you say that?

CHRIS: You're 4'6".

DAVID: So?

CHRIS: And you always smell like beef jerky.

DAVID: Only because I'm always eating it! 

CHRIS: That's not a good thing! 

DAVID: Look man, you do what you want. I'm going through some changes. Changes that make people like me. Sorry if you're jealous.

Chris's mom's mini-van pulls up.

MRS. BRANDENBACHER: Get on in boys! 

DAVID: Oh hi, Mrs. Brandenbacher! 

MRS. BRANDENBACHER: How was "Doctor Dolittle"?

DAVID: It was very...educational.

Chris sits in the front seat.

MRS. BRANDENBACHER: Chris, honey, sit in the back seat. David's our guest, he should sit in the front seat if he likes! 

DAVID: I would like. Thank you very much...Syliva.

MRS. BRANDENBACHER: Oh, Mrs. Brandenbacher is fine.

DAVID: Oh...hard to get.

MRS. BRANDENBACHER: Hard to what?

DAVID: Oh, uhhh...hard to get animals to talk, don't you think? That Doctor Dolittle. Boy oh boy.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 20, 1957: Elvis Presley is drafted into the U.S. Army.

WHERE: Inside Graceland, Presley's extravagant mansion outside of Memphis, Tennessee.

The doorbell rings. Elvis Presley answers it to find two US soldiers.

ELVIS PRESLEY: Can I help you, soldiers?

SOLDIER 1: Elvis Presley?

ELVIS PRESLEY: Yes, that's me.

SOLDIER 2: We're here to let you know...

SOLDIER 1: That we're big fans.

ELVIS PRESLEY: Why thank you.

SOLDIER 2: No, that's not why we're here.

SOLDIER 1: No no, I'm sorry.

SOLDIER 2: We're here to ask you to...

SOLDIER 1: Take a picture with us! 

ELVIS PRESLEY: Well, sure.

SOLDIER 2: That's not why we're here.

SOLDIER 1: No no, it's not. Shoot.

ELVIS PRESLEY: I'm confused.

SOLDIER 1: I'm side-tracking us. 

SOLDIER 2: You are.

SOLDIER 1: I will not anymore.

SOLDIER 2: We are here to ask you to serve...

SOLDIER 1: Serve our families on Christmas! Can we join your meal? I bet it's gonna be big and fancy.

ELVIS PRESLEY: Well, I'm just celebrating with my family, so...

SOLDIER 2: WE ARE NOT HERE FOR THAT.

SOLDIER 1: But it would be cool.

SOLDIER 2: We're here to ask you to serve your country. Rather, we're telling you. You've been drafted.

ELVIS PRESLEY: I'm drafted?

SOLDIER 1: I uhhh... DRAFTED A PICTURE OF YOU! FROM CHARCOAL! LOOK!

The first soldier pulls out a charcoal portrait of Elvis.

SOLDIER 1: It's not very good because it's JUST A DRAFT! GIVE ME TIME! 

SOLDIER 2: Sir, obviously this soldier is an idiot. You've been drafted into the US Army. You're being given the opportunity to fight for your country.

ELVIS PRESLEY: Oh. 

SOLDIER 2: Obviously you're a big star, so we can find a way to keep you safe, maybe in the reserves...

ELVIS PRESLEY: No no, thank you men. I want to fight for my country. I shall report for duty.

SOLDIER 2: Yes sir. That's very brave sir. See you out there.

SOLDIER 1: Also, Mr. Presley, you're going to be asked to be a part of a very elite squad.

ELVIS PRESLEY: What is that, soldier?

SOLDIER 1: I'm going to ask you to be my best friend. Do you accept?

SOLDIER 2: Okay we're leaving.

SOLDIER 1: (as he's being dragged away) DO YOU ACCEPT, SOLDIER??? DO YOU ACCEPT???!

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 19, 1843: Charles Dickens publishes "A Christmas Carol" in England.

WHERE: Charles Dickens' apartment.

The clock strikes seven in the morning. Charles Dickens awakens in his bed, startled.

CHARLES DICKENS: (to himself) My God, I'm alive. I'm alive! But what about my book about Christmas? Was it burned and destroyed, like in my dream? 

Charles Dickens runs to his window and opens it. He sees a boy on the street and calls out to him.

CHARLES DICKENS: BOY! 

BOY: Yes, Mr. Dickens?

CHARLES DICKENS: What day is it?

BOY: Why, it's December 19th, sir.

CHARLES DICKENS: December 19th?! It's New Book Day! And are there any new books in the bookstore?

BOY: Why yes sir, I believe yours came out today.

CHARLES DICKENS: It did come out! I didn't miss it! Here, boy! 

Charles Dickens throws coins down to the boy.

CHARLES DICKENS: Here's twelve pence! Run down to the nearest bookstore and buy all the copies of my book you can buy! 

BOY: All the copies?

CHARLES DICKENS: Every one twelve pence can buy you! Run, boy! Run like the wind! 

The boy runs away. Two men who work at the orphanage down the street.

CHARLES DICKENS: You two! The men who work at the orphanage! 

MAN 1: Mr. Dickens?

MAN 2: What is it?

CHARLES DICKENS: Remember how I told you yesterday that I opposed giving books to orphans?

MAN 1: Of course we do.

MAN 2: You ran us out with a fire poker.

CHARLES DICKENS: Well I have a new book out! And I would love to give several copies to the orphanage for everyone to read! 

MAN 1: That's awfully generous, Mr. Dickens! 

MAN 2: How wonderful!

CHARLES DICKENS: Happy New Book Day, my friends! Happy New Book Day! 

A woman walks by.

CHARLES DICKENS: Hey there, you dear woman! 

WOMAN: What is it?

CHARLES DICKENS: You look depressed.

WOMAN: I am. I hate the holidays.

CHARLES DICKENS: I used to hate the holidays too. But recently, I had a huge event that changed how I looked at everything! 

WOMAN: What's that?

CHARLES DICKENS: SOMEONE PUBLISHED MY BOOK! 

WOMAN: So nobody showed you the errors of your ways?

CHARLES DICKENS: No! 

WOMAN: Nobody made you realize how you could personally change your own life for the better?

CHARLES DICKENS: Not at all! 

WOMAN: Then why did it change your life?

CHARLES DICKENS: Because now people can buy it and now I can make money! 

WOMAN: That's no fun.

CHARLES DICKENS: Here! Have a book!

Charles Dickens throws down a book.

WOMAN: I can't read.

CHARLES DICKENS: HAAAAPPY NEW BOOK DAY TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NEW BOOK DAY! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 18, 1620: The Mayflower docks in Plymouth Harbor.

WHERE: Plymouth Harbor, near modern-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.

William Bradford, a passenger on the Mayflower who would later become the first governor of the Plymouth Colony, stands before his fellow 102 passengers.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: My brothers and sisters, after waiting in this harbor for 8 days because of bad weather, it is time for us to begin our voyage into this wonderful new word! 

PILGRIM 1: Why are we doing this?! 

WILLIAM BRADFORD: What do you mean, brother?

PILGRIM 1: We had to wait 8 days just to get off this boat. Why do we think the weather will get better?

WILLIAM BRADFORD: It's just a fluke! 

PILGRIM 1: You don't know that. You've never been here before.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: Neither have you! It could be full of fun and adventure! 

PILGRIM 2: I hear it's full of really mean natives who want to kill us.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: Now now, that's all hearsay.

PILGRIM 2: You've never met them! 

WILLIAM BRADFORD: And neither have you, until we get off this boat! 

PILGRIM 3: I'm staying on this boat.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: That isn't an option.

PILGRIM 3: I like it more. The waves rock me to sleep.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: But you haven't slept in this new world yet! 

PILGRIM 3: NEITHER HAVE YOU! 

WILLIAM BRADFORD: Look everyone, this was a difficult journey, and there's bound to be difficult times ahead of us, but we've already made it here. And while I'm sure there are hard times ahead of us, but this is the life we make for ourselves. So we need to get off this boat and go make it! 

PILGRIM 4: I bet it smells like fresh trees.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: Exactly! That's the right thing to think about.

PILGRIM 4: I DON'T LIKE THE SMELL OF FRESH TREES. I PREFER THE SMELL OF THIS OLD WET WOOD I'VE LIVED IN.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: But you haven't smelled this new wood 

PILGRIM 4: NEITHER HAVE YOU! 

WILLIAM BRADFORD: You guys are just scared. Come with me if you want. But this boat is going to get really small. Join me if you like, my brothers and sisters.

William Bradford gets on a small boat to go ashore.

PILGRIM 1: I guess the weather could get better.

PILGRIM 2: And the natives could get nicer.

PILGRIM 3: And sleeping could be more comfortable.

PILGRIM 4: And the smell of the trees could get more rancid, and therefore, more like what I enjoy.

The pilgrims join the boat with William Bradford. They go ashore.

WILLIAM BRADFORD: See? This isn't so bad. We're going to be fine.

PILGRIM 1: Will we be okay?

WILLIAM BRADFORD: Honestly...I don't know.  I've never been here before.

PILGRIM 1: Neither have I.

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 17, 1903: Orville and Wilbur Wright fly the first airplane.

WHERE: In a large field near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. 

With Wilbur watching from the ground and Orville manning the airplane himself, the two brothers finally get their airplane off the ground for a considerable amount of times. After Orville lands, Wilbur comes running up to him.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: WE DID IT! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: MY GOD THAT WAS AMAZING! 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: IT WENT UP. I WENT UP. IT HAPPENED.

WILBUR WRIGHT: IT WAS AMAZING! 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: How long was the flight?

WILBUR WRIGHT: 12 seconds.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: TWELVE SECONDS?!

WILBUR WRIGHT: That's right.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY FLEW FOR TWELVE WHOLE SECONDS. MY GOD! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: TRULY AMAZING! 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: IT FELT LIKE ONE OR TWO SECONDS. ARE YOU SURE IT WAS TWELVE SECONDS?

WILBUR WRIGHT: IT WAS TWELVE SECONDS. 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: I WAS PRACTICALLY A BIRD.

WILBUR WRIGHT: UHHHMAZING.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: How far did I go?

WILBUR WRIGHT: 120 feet.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FEET? 

WILBUR WRIGHT: That's right.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: YOU MEAN THAT'S WRIGHT, BECAUSE THAT KICKS ASS.

WILBUR WRIGHT: AMAYMAYMAYMAYYYYZING! 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: THAT'S SOO FARRRR! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: FARTHER THAN I CAN IMAGINE GOING.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: 120 feet in TWELVE SECONDS? WE MIGHT AS WELL BE CHEETAHS! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: ZOOM ZOOM AMAZING! 

ORVILLE WRIGHT: That's 10 feet a second. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN USE OUR FEET.

WILBUR WRIGHT: YOU WERE IN THE AIR.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: I WAS IN THE AIR.

WILBUR WRIGHT: YOU ARE AMAZING.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: YOU ARE AMAZING.

WILBUR WRIGHT: WE HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN AND TELL PEOPLE.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: HOW WILL WE GET THERE?

WILBUR WRIGHT: I guess we'll have to walk.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: Oh, right.

WILBUR WRIGHT: Because...

ORVILLE WRIGHT: No no, you're right. We can't fly it in. That would be weird.

WILBUR WRIGHT: Okay. Cool.

They start walking together.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: Then we can come back and try it again! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: Amazing idea.

ORVILLE WRIGHT: And YOU can fly it! 

WILBUR WRIGHT: AMAZINGER! AMAZINGER! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

[historyforliars]

December 16, 1773: The Boston Tea Party.

WHERE: Boston Harbor. 

A group of colonists, disguised as Mohawk Indians, sneaks onto three British tea ships (the Eleanor, the Dartmouth, and the Beaver) and dump their cargo into the harbor, in protest of the British Parliament's Tea Act. 

On the final ship, the Beaver, the colonists are dumping tea, when one colonist turns to another.

COLONIST 1: This is awesome.

COLONIST 2: Yeah. It's really cool.

COLONIST 1: We're going to show them.

COLONIST 2: That's right we are! 

COLONIST 1: We're going to make the biggest cup of tea anyone's ever seen! 

COLONIST 2: Thats righ--what?

COLONIST 1: They're gonna be so jealous of our giant cup of tea! IT'S GONNA DRIVE THEM MAD! 

COLONIST 2: What do you think we're doing?

COLONIST 1: I think we're doing exactly what we're doing! We're making the biggest cup of tea the world has ever seen to make the British jealous that they're not over here to join us! 

COLONIST 2: Why would we be doing that?

COLONIST 1: Because we want to show how well we're doing! 

COLONIST 2: And a giant cup of tea would show that?

COLONIST 1: Of course! How crazy would that be?! 

COLONIST 2: We're not doing that at all.

COLONIST 1: What do you mean? We're dumping tea into the ocean.

COLONIST 2: To protest the tax on tea the British placed on us! 

COLONIST 1: How can we protest it? We're using it.

COLONIST 2: We're not using it, we're ruining it.

COLONIST 1: We're putting it in water. That means we're using it. We plan to drink it, right?

COLONIST 2: No you can't drink it. It's saltwater. If you drink it, you'll get sick.

COLONIST 1: No you won't.

COLONIST 2: Yes you will.

COLONIST 1: Really?

COLONIST 2: Really.

COLONIST 1: Oh God.

The first colonist goes to the other side of the boat and shouts.

COLONIST 1: HEY KIDS! STOP DRINKING THE WATER! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A FUN THING! 

COLONIST 2: You thought this was gonna be a fun thing?

COLONIST 1: Of course I did! We're dressed up in costumes--on a boat--calling it a party--and dumping tea into the water. 

COLONIST 2: Why would we be having fun?

COLONIST 1: To show that all of our friends in Britain should move over here! 

COLONIST 2: We don't want them! They're imposing strict rules on us! 

COLONIST 1: I don't know about that.

COLONIST 2: What do you mean?

COLONIST 1: Look where we are. We're on their boats, using their tea. A British soldier even let me borrow this Indian headdress.

COLONIST 2: Did he know what you were doing with it?

COLONIST 1: Yeah. He was like,"Is this for the thing on the boats tonight?" and I was like,"Yeah!", and the was like,"Okay have fun!"

COLONIST 2: That doesn't make any sense.

COLONIST 1: THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

COLONIST 2: Well, we're all done now.

COLONIST 1: And we're not even trying to break a record.

COLONIST 2: You really should have looked into what you were signing up for before you did this.

COLONIST 1: Look, I'm just a simple baker. I do whatever I feel like. (realizes something) Which reminds me.

The first colonist goes back to the other side of the boat and shouts out to his kids.

COLONIST 1: KIDS! THROW AWAY THE GIANT COOKIES! THERE WILL BE NO GIANT COOKIE-DIPPING IN THIS GIANT CUP OF TEA. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A FUN THING! 

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.