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TW: Mental Health/ Depression/ Su1c1d3

Kinda wished I was foreign to the whole ‘ending it all’ mentality to put it that way.

It’s always there, irrevocably, in the back of my mind and it’s never leaving it. It gets annoying to a certain degree because I be having a bombastic time just to get this sudden anticipatory nostalgia and suffocating fear of the present and future.

I’ve tried to live with it and ever since a kid, it has unfortunately been an option yet it’s so messed up because I’m scared. I’m scared of leaving, I’d hate to leave everyone I love behind, I’d hate to see my mom go through it, I’d hate to leave my dogs, I’d hate to suddenly disappear but I also hate living with this pain and suffering. Time scares me, living does too.

When I was younger, I thought it was silly to describe depression with pain, ache and suffering because I thought those were physical symptoms yet I feel it. The restless thoughts, the aching pain, the suffering weight of everything.

I do reckon it has its economic and societal benefits and advantages as money wouldn’t go to waste. I wouldn’t worry about ‘making a living’, ‘chasing a dream’ when in reality, all I’ve ever wanted has never happened.

#mental health #tw sui ideation #suicideawareness #tw sui talk #tw depressing stuff

When I was born, there was a caterpillar in my brain. The caterpillar was so lovely, it would wander around my brain all day long telling me the sweetest things—like how clouds looked like whales, how pretty I was and how smart I got. The caterpillar never once doubted me, just the few times I’d get scared of something, then it’ll ask “why wouldn’t you be good enough for it? Why wouldn’t you be pretty? Why wouldn’t you be smart”

The caterpillar was so kind, it would eat all the doubt and trash from my brain, but as I grew older, the caterpillar felt the need to turn into a chrysalis.

Now, there’s this incredibly annoying bug in the back of my brain that’s been living in it since I was 10 and the bug keeps asking for things I don’t know how to get

And it’s so funny because once I somehow make my way to get whatever the bug needs, the bug starts questioning me, asking me if we deserve it or if we got it right—if the bug is not questioning me, it’s telling me and warning me that maybe this all will end and everyone will pity or hate me in the end

The bug has been right twice.

The bug also makes these amazing plans for us in the future but then again prevents me from working for them or tells me we don’t deserve it or we’re never good enough bc of either a, b, c or d

The bug is good pointing out the fugliest things about me physical or emotional—bro likes to compare me with my dad wtf bug

I hate this bug, no frontal lobe but yes this big disgusting bug that not only complains but also forbids me from doing the simplest thing and always offering the worse and single solution to everything.

Hate the bug, I hope the caterpillar grows wings and comes back 🧍‍♀️

#mental health

blargberries

🎮

I love it when my friends are artists, and I love it with all my heart.

One of my friends got curious around 12 and started to sketch her days away. Avoiding whatever was going on inside the walls of her home. Those sketches became faces and places she ached to return or was impatient to meet soon. She drew me once too many times and even though our relationship has melted away as snow in April, her art remains hanging around my room, and just like the snow, I have more good memories with her than bad ones, yet I cannot force the snow to remain itself when it’s meant to melt, flow and give life to the earth underneath it.

Another of my friends happens to be a talented writer. They’ve wrote a poetry book already and I’ve sobbed heaps about it. They seem to care about specific people and specific places but I wonder if they know there’s people that cares for them just as much. They can be as soothing and comforting as rain but they can also be drizzling and cold at times, yet I’ll care for them and their love being unforgettably written in paper, for I know that as long and I live, I’ll keep being the proudest and happiest to read their poems and know them more.

The third of the artists inside my heart is a drummer. Truth is that I’m far from them, and we’re really not as close as I wish to yet I work hard to deserve their friendship. They’re a talented musician, all of the instruments I could think of, they would play it with no problem. And I’m the most passionate about music, or so I thought until I met them and I realized that my passion was not only mine but meant to be shared and found. And I hope to see them become great composers and musicians, because their dreams become mine too. And I think it’s only fair to comply to dreams if two people wish for the same thing, right?

These three friends stay close to my heart even tho we are miles apart. Even though I’ve completely lost contact with the first. Even though the second doesn’t realize how cool they happen to be. Even though the third is too far from me. But I hope that all three of them know that there’ll always be someone cheering and supporting them as proud as I can be, and when i least expect it, they keep on amazing me.

#friends #rain #snow #online friends #love #arts #poetry #music

I am so in love with the idea of love. I am so in love with the idea of being loved by someone and you can’t even begin to understand why.

Maybe they love your smile, or the way your hair looks when you wake up, or how your eyes get small when you smile, or the scar in your knee after you fell as a kid.

Maybe they love all of that and more.

Maybe they love even your flaws, how you worry for the smallest thing just for the sake of everything and everyone being at ease, maybe they love how puffy your eyes get when you cry.

Maybe they just love you all.

And I keep daydreaming for the day when someone will genuinely love me. They will think that all of my flaws are my biggest assets. And they will love to see me, to hear me, to have me.

And maybe when I meet that person, they’ll cherish something as normal as drying my hair or sitting with me while sharing a meal like the most meaningful and beautiful moment ever.

And I’ll love with my whole heart and soul. And I will be loved just as much.

#love #rant post #send help

kittykatrattie

Something something headlights

netherworldpost

“Why should rich people pay more” because fuck ‘em

“So you are okay for paying more when you have money” I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘em’ when relevant

pedulum-chronometry

“I am not excluded from ‘fuck ‘‘em’ when relevant” is surprisingly powerful as both a statement and philosophy

I didn't know you pre sai but I saw your post in the Clancy tag and just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I had to get away from the online fan space for a lot of reasons but Clancy feels familiar in the way that the other albums did when I needed them.

I don't know if this makes any sense but yeah. I see you, I'll cover you ||-//

With SAI, pandemic and everything, I guess the fan space got overwhelmed by how things were going. However, I loved SAI since the very beginning and I understood the changes. I stepped off from this app because I also needed my time.

I do want to agree that Clancy feels like, to put it best explained: “Hey kid, well, not so kid. It’s been rough right? It’s alright, I’m always here even if you cannot see me. You’ve gotten so big I can’t even cover my arms around you anymore. Even though you wanted to gave up and leave everything. You didn’t. With fear, panic, sadness, any emotions involved, you stayed. And you’re still here. And so are we”

Too cheesy or wtv but it felt like that. We just have to help each other and keep going |-/

This feels like going back to your childhood home after being gone for ages. For the people here, y’all were angels for a younger me. I had no friends. And I enjoyed being liked by the things I did on here.

With the whole Meta AI issue going on, I decided to come back and check up on things. Lots have happened, I’m sorry I’ve been gone for the SAI era. I loved it heaps, saw them on tour.

Coming back for Clancy because it’s the right lyrics at the perfect time. Life has been so overwhelming.

My young self used to think life couldn’t get any worse. That I had nobody but random people online and a band from Columbus, Ohio.

Well, life does get pretty ass and sometimes (always) the world is too big for someone as short as me but, now I have friends, and I have love, and I remain with a massive unconditional love for this band, this music and the people in it. It’s far from just two guys. And they were my family, still are.

Big love always.