Nate

🚬 this isn't a place for everyone. if you're here, you already know. nate

[hopexdieslast]

I don't need love - at least that's what I tell myself.

When I can mind my own business. I just love it more than being in love with someone.

I only feel safe when I am minding my own business.

[hopexdieslast]

I can't sleep.

Not with these thoughts constantly swirling through my head.

They make me feel sick.

Then I go to work, where what I feel is blocked out so as not to show my inner chaos externally.

This is pure hell, although it's better than going to school where I don't feel good.

A school that makes me not feel fully myself.

The thought of going back there makes me want to just disappear.

But I don't want to disappear.

First of all, I would like to leave something behind...yes, behind me.

[hopexdieslast]

I'm still lying in bed, looking at the ceiling.

The silence around me doesn't show what I'm going through inside.

This contrast makes me realize that the silence in the room triggers the greatest emotions in me.

Which cannot be silenced.

[hopexdieslast]

I cried. I was thinking about how others were doing something while I felt left behind.

And I feel envy. Envy that consumes me.

This is a terrible feeling that prevents me from enjoying life.

I wouldn't want to feel this way but it seems impossible.

Now I'm lying in bed thinking what else I can do.

[hopexdieslast]

are you open for moots? :3 you seem so cool!

YES AND THANK YOU I'M VERY OPEN TO NEW FRIENDS IF U WANNA KNOW

[hopexdieslast]

Tumblr is one of the places i felt most at home in.

I wonder why i decided not to use it.

[hopexdieslast]

I'm back on tumblr again

Don't even know why i always come back here

Feels like the only place where my thoughts make sense

Might turn all of this into a book someday.

Like a diary of my head.

[hopexdieslast]

i do feel love for someone, but i’m just scared of how deep i can get...

[hopexdieslast]

stuck in a love i cant feel

[hopexdieslast]

i'm back i guess?? and many things have changed...in me

[hopexdieslast]

yeah okay maybe im toxic maybe im manipulative maybe i fucking overreact BUT DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHY??? do you know what its like to spend your whole life wondering when people will decide you re too much?? do you know what its like to scan every text for hidden goodbyes??? im not just angry im fucking TERRIFIED but you wont see that because its easier to call me crazy than to admit im scared out of my mind. so i snap, i push, i yell, i make it your fault before you can make it mine because at least then im in control right?? RIGHT?? but then something small happens - a word, a look, a silence. its happening again. they re leaving. and i hate it i hate it i hate it but i cant stop caring and thats the most pathetic part

[hopexdieslast]

I feel so awful...

[hopexdieslast]

Lately my thoughts have been going crazy with the urge to stick a boxcutter in my neck and someone

[hopexdieslast]

It's so strange that after the biggest mental breakdown I suddenly behave with such energy

[hopexdieslast]

when even ai bots aren't enough to feel exactly what you want to feel irl

[hopexdieslast]

HAHAH PLSSS. Ive already started dreaming that when the new school year starts, maybe I'll meet a guy with whom i could have a mlm relationship

[hopexdieslast]

im gonna eat ur Randal pfp (I luv it very much)

YUMMMMMYYYYYY

HAHAH TY <3