HoroScopes

Advice from the shiny things in the sky that you look at when you're lost

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Tornado

Spin as you will, spin as you might, we heard you was thinking about building one of those trashcan tornado vehicles so you can ride around in the upward spiral of death. We think it’s a terrible idea, but we’re going to endorse that shit anyway with some instructions for how to build your very own NADOSURFER™!

  What you’ll need;

  Trashcan

Goggles

Rope

New socks

  First, take the rope and tie it the trash can handles like so;

    Next Put on the goggles. Look and feel dominant.

    Now put on them new socks. Wiggle your toes and nustle your feet.

    Snap out of your comforts. It’s time to ride the sky. Grab ahold of your ropes and run head first into the tornado. The trashcan will act like a parachute and gently float you round and round the tornado until the ride is over.

    Your wrinkled apologies for the day are;

  Grammar Nazis = How to use knowledge to embarrass yourself

  “Barbra Wire” would make a great porn name

  Upside down blizzards are DEAD TO ME

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Presenting ShortoScopes!

Featuring limited depth and enhanced color! Perfect for those with itchy scroll wheels and short attention spans

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Diawheaties

               Your magenta chakra (located near the “taint”) is all dull and clogged up and you need to clean that shit out. You can do this by letting go of anything and everything you actually enjoy in life like diabetes and asphyxiation. All you need is a good sit and a freshly painted wall to watch dry while you wait ever so healthily for death. Did you know Wheaties are actually bad for you? Metal fragments dude. Remember when that one guy swallowed a whole band saw because some disgruntled employee down at the General Mill dropped one in his Cheerio box? This is why we don’t eat processed foods. This is why we can’t have anything nice. This is why you need to sit and rethink your life instead of blaming all your fuck ups on forgetting to eat some cereal that morning.

  Your lesser mentioned death foods for the day are;

  Lettuce – “definitely in the danger zone because it’s grown so close to the ground” source - http://www.howtobefit.com/causes-food-poisoning.htm

  Solids – 3000 choking deaths a year. Don’t worry, most of them are children

  Sally Manelly – Man, wash your god damn hands when you handle chicken. I felt your greasy ass cabinet handles…

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Atlantis

               Today you will provoke rabbles and coincide with grumbles. You will form a coup with one hand in your pocket, while the other signs a treaty full of loop holes and fine print. And you will thank Providence that your devious acts went through unhindered. Cheers. The Stars think you’re doing a fine job, but you outta know that 146 days from now, repercussions will happen, and you’re going to have deal with that shit. How appropriate. All you really wanted was success. It’s not fair, we know. But we’re here to remind you that you are indeed the Doctor. You can remedy the cross you bear by giving it back to Mr Duplicity. Think about it. While you fuck her.

  You’re current event headlines for the day are;

  Terminator 2 released on Netflix, Doomsday Preppers taken seriously

  Walmart boycotted, Target enjoys record sales

  Hippies were right environment “not in the best condition”

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Sword and Cup

               Today is a big day for you. You will slide into victory with your hands cupped and extended and ready to receive reward. Your eyes are watery with innocence,  and you smile big enough to crack your chapped lips. Until now, every social interaction has been a shake-less hand against a turned cheek. But today you will be noticed. You will be asked, “Pardon me, but I’m trying to get to Lagrange and, you won’t believe this, but my car got attacked by a chupacabra and it chewed up all my gas money…” And you shall spare the change. And the Stars above totally approve your questionably selfless act. But your hands remain empty. And you’re still thirsty for density, and hungry for Mc Frys, in which you can no longer afford. Maybe you’re not supposed to get anything? Maybe that would be counterproductive? Then you will walk home with your hands in your pockets, safe from ransom. You get home and begin to tweeter the experience. But WAIT. Then you would be shoving you’re righteousness in everyone’s face! Every “Like” would put you further in the hole! Fuck! You close Twinker and stare at your keyboard for a bit. Its clean. ITS CLEAN. If you had bought the Mc Frys you would’ve gotten transmitter fat all over it. Now you don’t have to clean it. You were rewarded without choice. Because the bottom line is; you can’t do anything about a broken toe.

You un-educational children’s toys for the day are;

  That Ghost Buster’s Toilet Monster

  Life Jackets

  Loose GI Joe legs

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Cat

Your life is like a prequel to the hit movie “Former Destination”. I know right!? That’s so yesterday. But it’s not so bad. Think of your repetitive life style as a vicious Ferris Wheel. Every so often, you get to go to the top before you slowly descend back to rock bottom. You can make a song out the rusty squeaks. You can put your arm around your Dakimakura and pretend to feel it’s warmth. You can get a great view of the night Kroger parking lot. With a bit perspective smithing, you can change any reality into the daydream of your dreams. Fair out dude!

  Your “whys it gotta be BLACKmail”s for the day are;

  Ultimatums – If you don’t do this undesirable thing, then you’ll lose this undesirable person!

  Compromises – I’ll bring home the bacon I stole if you cook it. And don’t even think about using the microwave

  Fetch – I’ll put this ball in an inconvenient ass location, and if you don’t go get it so help me God I will leave it there

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Rat; Year of

This week you may find yourself searching frantically for your Iphone. It’s under your couch. I know, I know. You’ve already looked there. Twice. That’s OK, because the Stars know that you’re going to run into that old dusty shoe box full of regretful notes from highschool. Go ahead, reminisce over those notes all folded in unnecessary ways. The juicy ones missing the “To”s and “From”s. The notes you never delivered and should’ve. The documented rejections that you still won’t throw away. And then you’re going to be all like “what woud life be like if  _______”, and the answer is; waaaay better. But that’s OK, fuck that thin black abyss under your couch. You know there’s a monster down there. Just waiting to lightly graze the sporadic hairs on your hand and leave behind a strange residue. Where do you think all those mystery bruises and cuts come from?

  You’re Fetish notes for the day are;

  Fetish and Foot are pretty much same exact word

  You can’t call your Iphone to locate it because it is out of battery, smart ass

  For those interested, the monster does not smile, lacks a tongue, and has buck teeth for eyes

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Virgin Goliath

Today you may find yourself huddled in the corner of your workspace whispering “ I wish a motherfucker would “ repeatedly as tears run down your cheeks. Well, you can put your life delaying mantra to rest, because the stars motherfucking WILL. Follow these steps and your future shall be salvaged.

  Don’t bother standing up for yourself – That guy that telling you what to do has plenty of good reasons for you to make his coffee 3 times a day. And who are you to question them? Your pay check is on the line here, dawg. You pour his coffee with a smile, and don’t even think about peeing in it. Because there is certainly no other way for you to get a pay check. You are owned.

  “If you don’t like it, you can leave” – Yeah sure, go for it and you’ll be on the streets where you either starve to death or drag yourself to the corner @ 53rd and 3rd. I mean come on, who else is going to see value you? You’ve been at your job so long that your skills have shrank from old age like your peepaw.

  You’ve made a lot of mistakes… - So you might have to take a demotion, or a pay cut along with a “promotion”. It’s cool. You’ll just have to switch from PBR to Steel Reserve during those after work wind downs (drinking fits). Don’t worry, Steelys have a higher alcohol content anyway. More bang for your buck.

  Most importantly, next time a motherfucker does, thank them, and avoid eye contact. In fact, you should probably just look at the floor employ a few “Mam” and “Sirs” and ask if a motherfucker wants cream and sugar.

  You’re lucky wizard spells for the day are;

  Fire lizard – does mediocre damage, but hits all enemies. Looks kinda like fireworks, but JPEG

  Ice Cream Storm – It doesn’t really hurt your enemies so much as it distracts them while you escape. Good for getting that god damn special item that requires you run away from 150 battles

  Fidelity – You’ll need it, trust us.

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Nigh Quill

Tiger’s tail fell limp and lay flat on the grass of the 100 acre wood

Rabbit frowned almost as low while sorrow washed away his scowls

Roo looked to his dear mother for answers only to find that she was looking back in the same matter

  No one in the wood knew what they should

  Pooh clasped his hands together and felt the absorbent, sticky, stiffness of regret

Eeyore was overwhelmed with hope

Owl was dumbfounded

And without a single solitary stutter, Piglet whispered, “why isn’t he moving?”

  They all crowded around the scene of Pooh’s most recent attempt to satisfy his gluttony

Starring at Christopher Robin as he lay next to a broken bee hive

Covered in the fatal wounds of the bee’s defense

    Your credit role music for the day is;

    “I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside I've got the month of May. I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My girl (my girl, my girl) Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl). I've got so much honey the bees envy me. I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees. Well, I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My girl (my girl, my girl) Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl). Hey hey hey Hey hey hey Ooooh. I don't need no money, fortune or fame. I've got all the riches, baby, one man can claim. Well, I guess you'd say What can make me feel this way? My girl (my girl, my girl) Talkin' 'bout my girl (my girl). I've got sunshine on a cloudy day With my girl. I've even got the month of May With my girl Talkin' 'bout Talkin' 'bout Talkin' 'bout My girl Ooooh My girl As long as I can talk about my girl...”

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Hairys

At first glance the stars can seem as bright and as near as your own heart. Unfortunately this is not the case. Your heart is so far away, that even the greatest scientists are still calling it “Dark Matter”. Are you afraid of the dark? Try a camp fire on for size. Don’t use wood though, we like the trees to get all rotty. Instead, use god’s gift to wifebeaters; Propane! We want to see you stab a marshmallow through its tiny little insignificant heart with the coat hanger your peepaw technically stole from JC Penny 30 years ago back when coat hangers were BUILT TO LAST GOD DAMN IT. Things just aren’t like they used to be, but you can’t let that hold you back. Get your old school on at the thrift store and buy yourself a piece of abandoned history. But that smell though… I know right? Bring that cassette player up to date with a bottle Febreeze and keep on keepin on! Now you can listen to the warbley sound of that The Cure tape you bought from Books and Music under the god damn “Z” section. See? Life’s not so bad when you got old tunes to accompany your new feels.

  Your wild pathogens for the day are;

  Cigarettes – You smoke one, I smoke two. One for my homie and none for you

  Laids – Even though it was just sex, it manages to have sexual preference written all over it

  Complexs – When your friend has one and you suddenly feel it’s totally okay to be nuts

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Aries+

You put your money in,

You take your money out,

You take more money out

Till you close your damn account

  You do the Brokey pokey

And you never turn around

That what it's all about.

  You put your penis in

You take your penis out

You put your penis in

Till a baby falls out

  You do the Brokey pokey

And you never turn around

That's what it's all about.

  You start with Woodford Reserve

Then switch to Steel Reserve

You drink your Steel Reserve

Outside The Lord's Kitchen

  You do the Brokey Pokey

And you never turn around

That's what it's all about.

  They give you section 8

You think it's not too late

You make the same mistakes

Until they kick you out

  You do the Brokey Pokey

And you never turn around

That's what it's all about.