The True Life of a Predicament

I don't really know what I was trying to get out with this blog aside from a vent and an escape from my public and personal blog. I guess this is like my personal personal blog lol... Well here's to the True Life of a Predicament. -Lovely Predicament

[theliteraryjournals]

I wanted to tell you everything. And that hurt because some things were too scary. Some things even I didn’t understand.

Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why (via theliteraryjournals)

[howdidimakeit]

Table for One Please

Sometime it's okay to just go out and have dinner alone. Escape from everything and everyone, and just be happy having dinner with you as your own guest

[howdidimakeit]

My life has been one chaos after another, but what fun would it be if it was ordinary. There are so many things my friends. Now that I am back from my trip I will most definitely find time to piece my life together and make some sense of it.

[howdidimakeit]

Welcome Home Insomnia

I don’t know what is going on at the moment. This is probably the beginning of the events that lead to him leaving again. I’m fairly certain. His last text was so emotionless. I guess I need to prepare myself for this. I knew it was a possibility. I tossed and turned all night checking my phone every minute in hopes of a text that said I love you, okay? I’m not going anywhere. 

I guess I should prep myself for the sleepless nights and crying from night till dawn. I’m so glad I don’t have finals. This is going to be a little harder. But I think after this one, I will be able to rid myself of any emotion and things will be easier. Everything is easier when you’re tired, emotionless, and starving....you only focus on the necessities.

[howdidimakeit]

Ouch

It hurts. This time it physically hurts. My heart feels like someone keeps squeezing it...chiseling away mall pieces. I thought I could do this, and I knew what I was getting myself into but I had no idea it would hurt this bad. Getting through the day without crying seems like more of a joke than an option. The last conversation we had wasn’t angry, it wasn’t spiteful, it wasn’t hateful, it was sad, it was abrupt, and worst of all it was distant and emotionless.

I’m certain after three years I have abandonment issues. I can see it forming. Anxiety, nervous, emotional...or maybe I’m just going through withdrawal. I probably will have to end things before September because I can’t afford tho go through this during grad school. I can’t have distractions. I’ve done it before, I can do it again right?

[howdidimakeit]

Little Secrets

I finally told him what happened the day before Thanksgiving in 2013. I’m sure I will never forget that day, even if I can’t remember much of it. I’ve never talked about it, and I don’t think I ever will. It wasn’t till 2 months ago that I was able to muster the courage to tell Evan what happened. And even then i could barely make the words out with out sobbing uncontrollably. 

Now Caleb knows too, and it makes him sad. I hung up and sobbed uncontrollable, before I called him again and told him. What makes me sad is I was too ashamed to tell him in the beginning, but I had no problem blaming in for the ripple effect in my life. We are good now. He says he feels we are closer now, and I agree...I think we are closer.

[howdidimakeit]

There comes a point when you can no long make decisions for them, answer for their faults, or watch them like a hawk. For 6 years we have made decisions for one another, we have emotionally supported each other, and we have pulled each other out of hell one too many times. This time, I don’t think I can do that for her. Whom she chooses to be with is a decision she will have to face the consequences for. Sometimes you have to get hurt before you can begin to heal.

[howdidimakeit]

Time Will Tell

Sometimes there is only so much one can do. I have watched my best friend swing back and forth in an emotionally abusive relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to watch her cry herself to sleep, and other times she won’t eat or sleep because she’s so upset. 

Sometimes you have to let them fall. They need to hit the ground before they can pick themselves back up. At the end of the day it’s the support that you provide in the end that matters.

[thegirlwhocrieswolf]

New piece, hope you like it! xo Lang 

…………….

My new book Lullabies is now available via Amazon, BN.com + The Book Depository and bookstores worldwide.

[howdidimakeit]

Those dreams

I’ve been having dreams about him again...these are good dreams. Dreams where we are at big summer parties and we are chasing each other through the house and in the yard. The sun shining just right. Laughing and talking. Laying in the grass. Like one of those dazed foggy dreams that you see in movies. Those dreams, I’ve been having those dreams. Sometimes I think I miss him...then I remember what he did to me and I wake up crying.

[howdidimakeit]

I guess you can say I’ve stopped dating...I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s back...which kind of sucks because I never know when he will leave. I always liked spontaneous, and I sure as hell got it in the most obscure form ever...

[howdidimakeit]

Therapy...

...is something that should only be done when you are ready to face your demons. Don’t open pandoras box unless you are ready for what is inside.

[howdidimakeit]

Therapy? No thank you (:

So here is something a little different from the guy struggles that I have been going through...

I went to advising for next fall, and everything was going well. I was inquiring, she was advising, you know all that good stuff. This is where things got interesting. So most of you probably don’t know, but I am a busy person. No not busy as in 9am-5pm; 5 days a week with occasional errands here and there. It’s more like 7am-9pm 6 day a week with errands everywhere. 

So as my advisor is doing her advising ordeal we have this conversation:

HER: So our program is a little challenging whether it is academically or emotionally...and we recommend that our students have enough time in their schedules to make sure they are not overwhelmed.

ME: Mmhmm....okay. (so where are you getting at with this woman?)

HER: Well I know you said you like to keep busy?

ME: Well yes, I like to constantly having something to do. (since when has there been a problem with being busy...)

HER: (nervous laughter) You see I was always one of those students that struggled to get the reading done, and I had a hard time with the academics...and some other students slaved over paper while others cranked them out in no time.

ME: Okay...(is this going somewhere)

HER: From what I hear you don’t seem like you struggle academically?

ME: Eh it’s not to bad. (college has been a joke, I need something that is more practical)

HER: Well for those who don’t struggle academically they tend to struggle emotionally...and I think keeping busy may be a coping mechanism for you. So I recommend you quit one of your jobs and take sometime to seek help at the Health and Counseling Center to help you deal with any oppressed emotions. (casually places her hands in her lap and gives me a plastered smile like she just told me the fucking weather)

ME: Um wow...okay, that’s intense (I don’t see a fucking therapy license in your office, don’t tell me I’m emotionally fucked up. It took 10 years to learn how to oppress that shit I’m not trying to have a band-aid therapist tear me apart. No thank you.) 

HER: (Slowly nods her head)

ME: I don’t think that will be necessary, but I will definitely take it into consideration.

Now here is the thing...I am one of the most emotionally tormented people, and with that being said, yes I have found numerous coping mechanisms but I am okay. I am functioning. I am alive. And no matter how much I have gone through, I have not been triggered. 

[howdidimakeit]

Once upon a time...

...before I knew the truth about everything, I thought he was prince charming. I believed that I was the luckiest lady in all the lands. I had found a kind, gentle, passionate, loving, caring, and beautiful soul that would stop the endless line of frogs that awaited me. I thought I had found the one, but in the back of my mind everything in me screamed this doesn't exist. This isn't a fairytale, and this is too good to be true. And less than a year later I realized that everything in me was right, but here we are today.

[howdidimakeit]

Catch 22

I had the best 2 days with him, but now I have to wait 2 days before I can talk to him again. Talk about a Catch 22. 

Friday we talked for 2 hours while he drove to his parents’ and it was wonderful, I was anxious about talking him all day because I was afraid this would be the last time again. I was worried that someone in his family would talk him out of talking to me, and we would be right back to where we started. But it wasn’t because we skyped for 4 1/2 hours without ever stopping. 

It was nice, there were times when we just said I love you and stared at one another without moving a muscle. Other times we couldn’t stop talking, teasing, and laughing. It was perfect, it brought me back to December. We talked about more serious things that occasionally bothered me, and with every minute we talked the more my doubts decrease and the more I had faith in our relationship.

Our eyes began to glaze, and we just laid there in front of our screens wishing we were together, we said I love you a million times, and we smiled as we realized that we are too far gone. Finally we caved in when he heard the birds chirping. I didn’t sleep till 5 in the morning and he till 6. 

The next morning was rough, I couldn’t sleep so I was up at 7 drifting in and out of sleep. again we talk during his drive back, but this time we aren’t going to skype in the middle of the night. He told me don’t forget I love you, it will only be a day, I love you very much, I repeated the same, and we ended with good bye.

I’ll talk to him Monday, and that seems so far away, just a day or so, but I am already missing him.

[howdidimakeit]

Where do I stand?

You know it has been 3 1/2 years since we started talking, and we have be through some interesting situations. During the drive I mentioned it and he said it was a really long time. And it is, the last guy that lasted this long, I just decided one day that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. This is not to say that I will or will not do this again, but this is a rare situation for me and I'm still trying to figure out how I even managed to get here.

[howdidimakeit]

The Lawyer

I was hesitant about this one at first. For weeks I was begging for a lawyer, you know the kind that wear nice suits, have a cocky grin, spend way too much money on useless shit, and have a head full of really nice hair. Yeah that was this guy, but he was bald. I guess I didn’t mind him being bald, he wore a hat most of the time so I wasn’t too bothered with it all. Although, I never found out if he was really bad or just prefered it. 

He was kind, charming, playful, handsy, and smelt of expensive cologne. I like that. He was persistent, full of compliments, and familiar with swooning people. 

Our first date was perfect. Expensive food, laughter, compliments, kisses. It was all nice, we even planned a second date. But I kissed him wide eyed and I knew that I didn’t like him I liked everything about him. 

He got sick and didn’t follow through with the second date, and we planned to take a rain check. The more I thought about it, I realized I would just be using him. So I politely told him that I have expectations and needs, and he just wasn’t the  right fit. He tried asking me for a second date, and I referred him to my previous statement.