human again

❝ -- - Like many intellectuals, he was incapable of saying a simple thing in a s i m p l e way. ❞ andrew hartley, 18

[httphartley]

basically i’m the worst person ever please forgive me??

i’ve been on vacation in texas since the 6th and have been absolutely horrible with my activity because i’ve been so busy visiting my friends and relatives and for 6 days I was at camp but was so exhausted to come online and now i’m with my sister who i only get to see once a year so i’m spending as much time with her as i can

BUT I WILL BE BACK ON MONDAY PROMISE

[httphartley]

HI GUYS SORRY FOR NOT BEING ONLINE I WAS AT THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS FOR BEACH VOLLEYBALL AND IT WAS HELLA WARM AND TIRING SO I’M LITERALLY GOING TO CRASH LIKE NOW

i’ll try to get online a bit tomorrow before I leave tomorrow!!! dw i’ll still be online tho (hopefully)

[invisiblehoward]

Knowing what she said would hurt him to hear, she had to deal with it because otherwise she’d just regret it and Ella didn’t want to regret anything in her life ever. Her thumbs ran over the back of his in a gentle gesture. Ella hadn’t meant that they wouldn’t get through this, she knew they would. She was a strong person and could ground herself as could Andrew. It was nothing about that. Searching his eyes, she bit on her lip and nodded a little. “Okay but I didn’t mean it like that. I meant… after the events, I realised how unexpected things can be. I just needed you to know that in case something happens to either of us, okay?” Ella explained quietly as her head pressed against his. She inhaled his scent and felt at home, needing to be where she was. “I don’t know how to ever stop the nightmares,” she admitted in this quiet sad whisper. It was true, she couldn’t sleep a wink.

[httphartley]

The look in her eyes made him realize that maybe he hadn’t said the right thing. He was never good with his words, especially when it came to emotional topics. “Okay,” he said after she explained herself. It had just occurred to Andy what she had said - the significance behind what she had just said. And of course, he had screwed it up. “Nothing’s going to happen to us, Ella. I promise you. I’m not going to let anything hurt you, okay?” He felt her heartbeat against his chest, a small thumping that made him remember how they used to be, how easy they were together. “I can’t sleep much either,” he admitted, slightly pulling away from her so that he could see her face. He moved a stray piece of hair from her eyes. “I-I can stay with you. If you want.”

[httphartley]

If there was one person who you could give the entire world to, who would it be?

Right now, it’d be TJ. He’s given the world to everyone but doesn’t believe he deserves it. He does. God, he’s the one person in the world who actually does deserve it.

[jfcjamiesolis]

“Snapping’s not going to make anything better or easier.” Jamie raised a brow. She most definitely was not one to talk, not when she spent most of her own time snapping at others for things she couldn’t control. It seemed like logical advice to give to the boy though, as flustered as he seemed. Just because she was giving the advice didn’t mean she had to follow it. She looked up to catch his eyes, then back down as he broke the contact. “Nothing in particular. Any requests?” She smirked, figuring that if he was going to hang out in the room, she might as well be nice enough.

[httphartley]

“Sorry,” he said simply, but the word was genuine. He was having a hard time accepting his emotions, let alone understand them. He was just confused, and the girl in front of him put him in check - he couldn’t take his anger out on anyone else. Especially at a time so vulnerable. “Anything. I don’t really have any musical preferences, though screamo rock might not be the best choice.” He said, one corner of his lips turning up ever so slightly.

[annavander]

“Fine,” she hummed, pushing a single almond across the table. Having been sitting opposite Andy for the good portion of the hour, she was surprised this was the first he spoke to her. With a tilt of her head, she shrugged lightly, eyes grazing the grooves in the table in thought. “I’m okay. A little shaken up, nothing bad,” she offered with a smile. “Yourself?” 

[httphartley]

“How generous of you,” he said teasingly, though accepted the single almond nonetheless and popped it in his mouth. He hadn’t actually found something to say to Anna. Sure, she had an uncanny way of keeping Andy grounded, but he wasn’t sure how comfortable she’d be to talk about … feelings with. He nodded politely at her answer, genuinely glad for her. “A little more than shaken up, I guess. It’s just … it just hurts, you know? I guess I’m confused over everything else. Everything is just … a big blur that I’d rather not have happened if I had the choice. But alas, the universe has seemed to work against us more often than not lately.”

[tjfuckingking]

He listened to the stories and a tiny smile almost touched his lips, at the way his friend would talk about him, not because he believed that was who he still was one bit. But, he didn’t want to hurt Andy, he didn’t want to drag him down into the pit that he had dug for himself, because above all, he loved him. He loved him and he loved Justin, and he loved Ella, and they all wanted him to be strong, so maybe he had to be, “Yeah, and I’m sure everyone thought I was a dumb shit,” he let out a small and not very emotionally charged laugh, but even a forced laugh was better than nothing at this point as he took a deep breath, sniffing and wiping at his eyes, “I just… I can’t sleep… I think that I did something really bad, Andy, and I… I can’t even tell you what it is because every time I think about it I just get sick,” he pressed a hand to his own forehead, taking another breath, “Maybe I just need to sleep for a while.”

[httphartley]

Honestly, Andy hadn’t a very good clue as to what he was doing. He wanted to be there for TJ, let him know that his shoulder was their to cry on or lean on if he needed one. He was never good with emotions - apparently, that came as a trade-off for having such a high IQ - and thus, when he felt a tear roll down his cheek, he felt the need to stop and take a breath. Once again, Andy shook his head, but this time, it was accompanied by a small smile. “No, everyone wished that it was them holding your hand. Even me,” he admitted softly. “You don’t have to tell me, TJ - don’t think for a second that you do. I think sleep would be good - you need rest more than anything, T.” He paused for a moment, biting his lip. “I can stay for a while, if you want. In case … in case you need anything.”

[justjustinmoore]

Pulling out two glasses, Justin sat them down in front of him on the table. “What do you want to drink?” He asked, glancing over at the boy where he sat on the bed. His hands shook as he placed them on the table. God, he was so tired. “No, not really. I’ve been sleeping in Tyson’s room a lot, but mostly I just… Don’t.”

[httphartley]

“Water’s fine,” he told Justin. Perhaps he needed something with caffeine, to keep him alive and conscious of his surroundings, but Andy never really believed in the coffee or soda thing. It felt almost unnatural to him, like unicorn’s blood. “Yeah, I saw you once. Covered you with your jacket so you wouldn’t get cold,” he said softly. “I know the feeling. I know they say things will get easier, but god, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve … we’ve never been in a situation like this before. This was shit that was supposed to happen in movies, in sci-fi books, Justin. Not to us.” His voice raised just slightly, but fell once again when he shook his head. 

[invisiblehoward]

Looking to him, she gave a brief nod. She could believe what he said, he wouldn’t lie to her and she couldn’t just be okay in these moments, not when every time she closed her eyes she saw blood everywhere. Kissing his cheek, she moved up on her knees to be more his height so she could look to him properly. “Andrew, please just listen,” she whispered as she took his hands. Tears had welled up yet again as she took in a deep breath. “When I went to kill myself, I only had one major regret in my life at the time and I need you to know what it is just in case something happens like this again. I still love you Andrew Hartley and I know right now, it’s not the time for us to be together but I love yo and you need to know that because one day I’m going to leave this world and I don’t know when that will be.  I can’t die without you knowing that, without you believing it.”

[httphartley]

The soft touch of her lips on his cheek felt … different. It wasn’t a playful, passing peck that he had experienced many a time before, but this was, somehow, more meaningful. It was soft, gentle, but most importantly, it was genuine. Not in the sense that her kisses before their breakup didn’t mean anything, but in the situation, it meant that she trusted him. Trusted him, after everything that had happened between them - and right now, that was what he needed most from her to help her. “Okay,” he repeated gently, rubbing her hands softly. Andy looked away momentarily when Ella had said the words ‘kill myself’ - he simply did not want to bring that up again, nor did he want to imagine it happening either. His heart had sunk, heavy pain had spread slowly throughout his body the moment Ella - or whatever had been controlling her - had mentioned suicide, had mentioned hanging herself. He had forgotten what she had said to him until that moment, prompting only more tears to well up in his eyes. He shook his head while she spoke, feeling pains in his heart the way she talked about her life on earth possibly ending soon. “Don’t talk like that, Els,” he started before wiping away some of the tears from her cheek. “You’re going to get through this. We’re going to get through this, okay?” He asked, a genuine look of sincerity in his eyes. She loved him. She loved him. After all this time, she still loved him. Andy looked at her, the broken girl in front of him, whose fingers still perfectly intertwined with his. How had he let this girl go? She had been his everything, the one reason he smiled each day. She was the one he was supposed to love forever and always. Maybe he hadn’t realized, but she was the one he loved, forever and always. He couldn’t find the words to speak, but wrapped his arms around her once again and closed his eyes. 

[ejecttex]

Her answer was fast, “Why?” no reservations in her voice as she put down her glass, “If you were a superhero and had the power to hold up the sun and save the world then, would you?” her eyes stayed on him, “It’s the same thing. It wasn’t me, just like it isn’t the mere mortal, it’s their strength, my brain, really I had nothing to do with it at all, it’s just trapped inside my body, so you should thank whoever created us all,” she raised her shoulders in a dismissive shrug. She looked up at Andy then, her eyes darkening slightly, “Tell me,” she pressed her lips together, swirling her straw, “Is there any difference between George and Lenny?” she placed one hand on their reading material, “One was a monster for he killed in childish awe, he knew no better, and the other was a man who killed for the greater good, but in the end, they were both murderers. What is it that makes us feel that one deserves more credit than the other, Andrew?” she tilted her head to the side, flipping through the book, “Had we killed our friends, had I killed my sister, we would of been George, sacrificing one life for many. So why is it that I’m thanked for saving seven lives when the entire world would of thanked me just as easily for taking seven if we branded them as monsters for reasons beyond their control?”

[httphartley]

“Right,” was all that he could say in response. The analogy made sense to him, sure - he guessed he had to get used to them, they seemed to be recurring themes of the Texas White vibe. “I guess if I could save the world I’d do it. As idiotic as the human race can be, I’d be a renegade if I let it die. Of course, I guess I don’t really have to think that big if the world is supposed to perish in a few million years.” He scratched his head, slightly startled by the complexity of her question. It wasn’t often that his peers had made him think for more than a few seconds, but this inquiry was worth pondering. “From a personal standpoint, it’s because some of these seven lives belonged to people who I care a lot for. Maybe that’s extremely selfish of me, but that deserves thanks. Maybe we’ll see in a couple days if the world agrees with me or calls me insane. Who knows.”

[justjustinmoore]

Over the days, Justin had been weary to let people in Tyson’s room, but he’d only left when he knew it was someone that he should not be there as they talked. He was waiting patiently for Andy, because his friend had been right, being alone sucked. At the first sound of the knock on the door, Justin opened it probably much too quickly, looking at his friend with tired eyes. “Hey,” he smiled softly. “Come on, I’ll get us drinks.” He turned away, walking back into the room, allowing Andy to follow him.

[httphartley]

Justin looked like he hadn’t slept in days - probably because he didn’t, though it didn’t surprise him. The minimal sleep seemed like a recurring theme amongst the students, and himself and Justin were no exceptions. “Hi,” he said, returning the smile. “Thanks.” He said with a nod as he followed Justin into his room. Gently, he took a seat on Justin’s bed as his eyes followed his best friend. “Haven’t gotten much sleep either, huh?”

[httphartley]

Andy hadn’t made much of an effort into his appearance but felt it necessary to change into a new set of clothes before heading over to Justin’s. Of all people, he was the one who understood. The situation, the emotions. He was the only one he could fully trust throughout the whole thing. How he had gone days without much contact with him, Andy didn’t know - but he was surely glad that he had someone like Justin to talk to. “Justin?” He asked after two swift knocks on the door. “It’s Andy.”

[annavander]

Sitting cross legged on the quiet floor of the library, Anna snacked on a small bag of almonds as she flipped her notebook over. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught the eyes of whoever was sitting across from her. With a small smirk, she spoke in a soft whisper, “If you wanted to use my notes, you could have just asked.” She shrugged, popping an almond into her mouth with a raise of her eyebrows.

[httphartley]

“Actually, I wanted an almond,” he remarked with a small smile. Perhaps talking to Anna was the best thing for him. It had been days, yes, but Anna was a better method of self-revitalization than time had ever been. “How are you? Despite … everything and exams, that is.”

[httphartley]

[text]: i don't know, Andy. we'll figure it out, we've got to. Tyson and Ella. we can do it for them. okay, yeah, being alone does kind of suck, that's a good idea.

[text]: I know we will. We always do.[text]: Yeah. Yeah, we can. And for each other.[text]: On my way.

[ejecttex]

Tapping away on her laptop, Texas barely knew what she was doing. She had never gotten along with technology, mainly because in a world where she understood nothing, she especially did not understand what the point of this was. A look of concentration was clear on her face for the longest time and then she sighed, picking up her glass of milkshake and sucking on the straw for several even longer moments, “How are you?” she put the glass down and shot a look at the person across from her, probably one of the most strangely normal things Texas had ever said to start a conversation. That probably wouldn’t last for long.

[ejecttex]

[httphartley]

He hadn’t known what he was doing wandering around classrooms, but sitting in his room mulling over the past didn’t seem very appealing after hours of doing just that. When Andy saw Texas sitting at a table, he found himself drawn to her, to say something to her. “I’m okay,” he said simply, though it was a lie. Andy took a deep breath and folded his hands together after taking the seat in front of her. “Listen, Texas … I just wanted to say thank you. For everything that you and Jesse did. I-uh, never got the chance to thank you before, so, yeah.”

[httphartley]

[text]: because life is unfair to those who don't deserve it. we're going to take care of them andy, you know that right? i'm fine, hanging in there.

[text]: Fuck life. [text]: I know. It just … god, it really hurts to see TJ like that. I tried telling him it wasn’t his fault, you know? Why can’t we take some of that pain away?[text]: I’m coming. Being alone kind of sucks, anyway.

[invisiblehoward]

Looking to his eyes, she knew he wasn’t lying, that he was telling the truth and it felt good to know what. It felt good to have him again. “Okay,” she whispered back before holding onto him. Her trembling hands moved to his back and she rubbed her thumb in circles on it, a gentle gesture. Turning her head up slightly, she listened to him carefully, trying to tell herself that it was indeed okay not to be okay but she couldn’t believe it. “I wish I could believe it, I’ve spent so long being okay – this just feels like too much,” she explained in a hushed tone. Moving slightly, Ella met his gaze once again and brought her hands to his face. “I need you to know something… in case something bad happens again. I need you to know it and not to question what I’m going to say, okay?” Ella bit her lip and played with his hands. She needed him to know that she still loved him in case she faded away once again.

[httphartley]

Her touch was all he needed to know that she was okay - in the moment, at least. She was okay with him being there; she was okay with him comforting her; she was okay with him holding her. Maybe she wasn’t mad at him like he always thought she was. She just needed somebody to lean on, and he wasn’t there. “Ella,” he said, shaking his head, “You’ve been through hell. It’s bullshit that they expect you to carry on with your life. It’s okay … you don’t have to hide.” His tone was hushed but his words genuine. How did anyone expect someone like Ella or TJ to just go on with their lives after such a traumatic experience? The idea was absurd, and Andy loathed the fact that the staff at Whittemore believed it to be okay. “Okay,” he said simply and softly, eyebrows slightly furrowed. He looked into her eyes, fingers caressing hers.