Encyclopedia of Hypothetical Police Procedurals

The definitive guide to non-existent police television.

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#113 NYPD Cool Friend

PREMISE: Even cops need a cool friend. When two aspiring crime scene technicians are looking for a place to work while chasing the big break that will let them join the NYPD, hip Detective Mike takes them in and lets them use a back room in his awesome crime lab as a place where they can work on crime scene stuff, hang out with their friends, and even drink some beers!

CHARACTERS: Jesse Frampton and Lee Burke are two wannabe crime scene investigators who spent years analyzing blood samples and performing gun ballistics tests at different venues around the city, but never quite felt like they had a real home where they could just do their thing, ya know?           Detective Mike is an awesome investigator who knows tons of really cool people but is still really nice and humble about it and never makes Jesse and Lee feel like they’re not as cool as him, even though clearly they are barely cool at all. Plus, Mike’s crime lab is awesome, with tons of cool pictures on the wall and a great jukebox. Jesse and Lee always really appreciate Detective Mike’s support and encouragement when they show him their weird projects.

NOTABLE EPISODE: Detective Mike has a cool birthday party and the rookies are really happy to be invited (S02.E14 -- “Cool, We Got Invited!”)

CATCHPHRASE: “Yeah, we have a cool friend.” / “We actually know the coolest cop in New York.”

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The character Detective Mike is based on a real person who the showrunners know and admire.

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#112 Who Killed the Lower East Side?

PREMISE: A brutal attack leaves the Lower East Side in a coma, clinging to life, and no one knows who did it—or at least no one’s talking. Now, it’s up to a team of investigators to figure out who would want to bump off the beloved New York neighborhood. But the more they dig, the bigger the case gets, as they uncover a sordid plot involving crooked real estate agents, rich stock brokers, and maybe even City Hall.

CHARACTERS: Debbie Wu is the lead investigator looking into the attack. Her last case was in the Midwest, investigating the mysterious disappearance of manufacturing jobs, but when she revealed her findings—manufacturing had actually been dead for years but was being propped up in a grim Weekend at Bernie’s type scenario—she was driven out of town and forced to resettle in the Big Apple. Most of her free time in her new city is spent trying to find an apartment she can afford.          Calvin Pierce is an inexplicably-loaded NYU student who moved into the neighborhood just a few days before the attack. He spends most of his time at upscale salad joints and bars with velvet curtains, and the investigators think he knows more about the case than he’s willing to say.          The L Train, a temperamental, fidgety train, is one of the investigators’ prime suspects. When it turns out that the L may also be connected to other, similar cases involving dead neighborhoods in Brooklyn, the team starts to wonder: are they actually after a serial killer?

NOTABLE EPISODE: The team visits the crime scene on a Friday night to meet with a local bookstore owner who claims to have information for them, only to find the streets and sidewalks filled with sickos who seem to be celebrating the attack on the LES. The investigators are so disgusted they try to find a bar where they can drown their sorrows, but every place they go into is packed or lame so they say the hell with it and just go home (S01.E10 -- “$9 Stellllllllllla?!”).

CATCHPHRASE: “Is this really a shop that only sells cologne and succulents?”

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The show was produced in Toronto because it was too expensive to shoot in New York.

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#111 The Blender (II)

PREMISE: Criminals can’t escape what their eyes can’t see; hide like a chameleon, solve crimes like… The Blender. The Blender is a master of camouflage who is so good at blending in, no one has ever seen them. Crime can run, but it can’t hide nearly as well as… The Blender! Producers were so dedicated to this concept that The Blender never appeared in any shot without being camouflaged--meaning that, for the most part, not even the audience was able to spot The Blender. CHARACTERS: The Blender is a mysterious private eye who uses the power of blending in to solve crimes. The Blender instructs clients to go to a random location, and whisper the details of their case into the air, seemingly to no one at all. After the client leaves, what appeared to be an inanimate object in the background of the shot begins moving. It’s The Blender is springing into action. Though almost nothing is known about The Blender, a few episodes offered a sneak peek at The Blender’s hideout, which is full of tools, makeup, car paint, dirt from all over the world, and a single pair of every kind of Dockers slacks ever produced.           Glenda Franklin is The Blender’s jovial, bumbling sidekick. Glenda would often deliver jokes and one-liners to things that turn out not to be The Blender. In many episodes, a minor character or extra would observe Glenda explaining a case to an inanimate object, and that person would exaggeratedly roll their eyes and/or make a “this lady must be drunk” gesture at the camera. NOTABLE EPISODE: The Blender investigates a murder down at a tuna cannery, and gathers information from suspects by dressing as a rack of DVDs, an air conditioner, and a pothole. In the climactic scene the culprit is apprehended, and it is revealed that what appeared to be nothing more than a pile of dead fish and seaweed was actually The Blender the whole time. The culprit falls into the pile and rolls out handcuffed (S01.E11 -- “Something Fishy”). CATCHPHRASE: “Did that mailbox just move?” / The sound of a refrigerator dragging itself across the floor. TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: Nothing is known about the star of the show, except that they were a highly dedicated method actor. The show was cancelled in the middle of season two when production staff were unable to find the lead actor on set.

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#110 Tall Cops

PREMISE: The long arm of the law just got a whole lot longer. When a group of taller-than-average cops gets sick of being called “beanpole” and “stretch” by their fellow officers, they band together and form a special squad made up exclusively of generously-proportioned detectives. Working together, the Tall Cops no longer get left out of stakeouts because they can’t hide as well as their shorter colleagues, can commiserate about having cold feet from sleeping in too-short beds, and they get a bulk discount when they buy their uniforms from the Big and Tall store. The Tall Cops are on the case, and they’re gonna reach up and grab a big box of justice off the top shelf for you.

CHARACTERS: Nathan Pickering, 6’ 8”, always felt like an outsider because he was the tallest cop in his precinct. All that changed when he was partnered with Percy Hamilton, a 6’ 11” former Marine. In their first case working together, the two went undercover as members of a basketball team in order to bust a notorious steroid dealer. When they were about to put the cuffs on him, the crook ran and tried to hide in a tree, but that proved to be his undoing (S01.E01 -- “Foul Shots”). Pickering and Hamilton were so delighted that they could high five each other without having to stoop down that they decided to find and recruit more tall cops to help them bust crime.

NOTABLE EPISODE: The Tall Cops face their toughest challenge yet when a murder brings them to the U.S.-Mexico border, where an assassin is hiding in one of the cramped, low-ceilinged tunnels used by the cartels to smuggle drugs. The killer is brought to justice, but the team’s hand-to-hand combat expert, Parker Weiland, bangs his head so bad on a beam he winds up in a coma (S04.E20 -- “Policiàs Grandes”).

CATCHPHRASE: “The weather up here is cloudy with a chance of justice.”

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The actor who played Marky Romero, the team demolitions expert, was actually 5’ 6” and had to stand closer to the camera in all his scenes so that he looked taller.

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#109 The Song of Detective Beowulf Excalibur

PREMISE: In 1982, 17-year-old Chaz Frankel finally saved up enough cash from working at the local Dairy Queen to buy himself a beat-up used van. His dad chipped in with some money for repairs, but instead of getting the transmission fixed, Chaz hired an art student/pot dealer from the local community college to airbrush a sweet cop show onto the side of the van. Those sweet airbrushed paintings are the cult, psychedelic police procedural known as The Song of Detective Beowulf Excalibur. CHARACTERS: Beowulf Excalibur is a streetwise knight of The Order of Red Falcon Cops, out to bust all the (admittedly badass) crime in the kingdom. When he’s not on patrol, cruising on his unicorn that has a siren where the horn should be, he can be found in his bare one-bedroom apartment inside a pink cloud of smoke.           Gilgamesh Boromir is Beowulf’s partner. He’s a frog wizard with a hot temper and an itchy wand finger. He enjoys sitting on a giant toadstool, and his go-to spell is pot leaf-shaped smoke handcuffs of binding.          Sergeant Artemis Xanadu is Excalibur and Boromir’s gruff, no-nonsense boss. She’s also a topless lady riding a dragon. Xanadu tries to keep Gilgamesh and Beowolf in line, but she likes to party and cut loose between cases as much as they do. Chaz maintained that Xanadu was based on his girlfriend who went to another school but was always too busy on weekends to come hang out, and was definitely not copied from a picture of Phoebe Cates. NOTABLE EPISODE: Beowulf Excalibur and Eddie the Head team up to defeat a three-headed serpent that murdered “FREEDOM” (represented by an eagle carrying a sword and a badge). The serpent’s heads bear the faces of Ronald Reagan, John Wayne, and Chaz’s dad, Mr. Frankel (“Whoa!” -- Right Passenger Side Door). CATCHPHRASE: The Song of Detective Beowulf Excalibur has no official catchphrase, but Chaz was often heard to remark, “Aw shit, my van won’t start.” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The paintings were lost when Chaz forgot to put the parking brake on, and the van rolled down a hill into a pond.

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#108 The Blender

PREMISE: The Blender is always set to pulse. Pulse pounding! The Blender is an ultra-violent series about a PI who doesn’t settle disagreements with words or conventional weapons--he settles them with his blender. When you’ve got a problem and brute force is the only way out, call The Blender. He’ll blend up anyone giving you trouble. When The Blender is on the case, you’ll have to speak up in order to be heard over the noisy whirr of justice. CHARACTERS: Dirk Throttler has an uncontrollable temper. He spent 20 years in prison for a series of brutal assaults, and when he got out, he swore he’d go straight. He landed an honest job at Smoothie Kingdom, but some thugs came around demanding protection money, and Throttler’s blind rage kicked in. He fought the goons off using the nearest weapon at hand: a blender. Realizing he would never be able to live the humble life of a peaceful smoothie maker, Throttler became The Blender. Now he uses his anger, and his newfound weapon of choice, to help the downtrodden and do good. NOTABLE EPISODE: When a grieving mother hires him to investigate her son’s death, The Blender is drawn into the brutal world of underground bare-knuckle boxing. The Russian mobsters who run the fights get wise to The Blender’s investigation, and decide they need to take him out. Thrown into the ring with five ‘roided up bodybuilders, and surrounded by a crowd thirsty for blood, The Blender has no choice but to blend his way out. Fortunately he brought an extra-long extension cord. The ensuing fight was so bloody and violent, even the crowd at the bare knuckle boxing ring couldn’t stand to watch it (S08E.19 -- “Holy Frappe”). CATCHPHRASE:  “You’ve been blended.” / The ceaseless whirring of the blender. TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The Blender’s blender was an Osterizer Galaxie 457 manufactured in 1985--which megafans noted is not the model used at Smoothie Kingdom.

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#107 The Scold

PREMISE: A masked vigilante stalks the city by night, bringing justice to criminals who have evaded the long arm of the law. Who is this mysterious, stern man? He is The Scold! Evildoers beware, The Scold will give you a talking-to you’ll not soon forget! CHARACTERS: By day Chester Lamont lives the idle, carefree life of a millionaire playboy, but at night, he dons a mask and takes to the streets as The Scold! Trained in the ancient mystical art of scolding by a sect of judgmental Shaolin monks, Lamont has dedicated his life and vast fortune to rooting out crime wherever it may lurk and giving it a piece of his mind. If you’re up to no good in The Scold’s city, you better believe you’re gonna get an earful, hoo boy.     The Scold’s archnemesis is a man with no past known only as The Incorrigible Boy. No matter how many times The Scold sits him down and reads him the riot act, The Incorrigible Boy just never seems to learn his lesson. NOTABLE EPISODE: Don Alfredo Blasetti is a mob boss who thinks he’s above the law. One night, after passing out during a wild party at his villa, Blasetti awakens in a seedy warehouse, tied to a chair and stripped naked. A masked figure emerges from the shadows, and the Don finds himself on the receiving end of a dressing down that makes him think long and hard about the error of his ways (S01.E03 – “And Don’t You Forget It”). CATCHPHRASE: “Tsk-tsk!” / “I’m not mad. I’m not disappointed. I’m The Scold!” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The show was cancelled after an on-set accident that left several crew members badly scolded.

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#106 The New Adventures of Joan of Arc

PREMISE: If someone told you to crack a case, would you heed the call? What if that someone was… God? When Joan of Arc got tired of having to hang out with Charles VII and the French army all the time, she faked being burned at the stake. Joan thought her days of being bossed around by God were over, until one day, she once again hears the voice of the Lord. But this time, He doesn’t want her to drive the English from France—He needs a partner to help Him solve murders. Will Joan and God be able to put aside their differences and work together to unravel Europe’s most diabolical murder mysteries? CHARACTERS: Joan of Arc just wants to be a normal, by the books teenager, but God keeps pulling her into crazy situations. Though she proves to be an adept detective, and has excellent sword skills that she uses to take down criminals, what she really wants is to retire to private life and follow her true passion: playing the lute.          God, the creator of the universe, is Joan’s wacky partner. He’s got a short attention span (hence His sudden interest in having Joan help Him solve random murders), and He’s forever getting Joan into messes and conveniently “disappearing” when it comes time to clean them up. God, being able to see all the past and all the future, often makes anachronistic references that He has to explain to Joan—Elvis jokes are a particular favorite. The fact that only Joan can hear the voice of God was often played for laughs; in many episodes, a minor character or extra would observe Joan seemingly talking to herself, and that person would exaggeratedly roll his eyes and/or make a “this maid must be drunk” gesture at the camera. God was voiced by Steve Buscemi. NOTABLE EPISODE: God and Joan head back to her old stomping grounds, Orléans, to look into a killing that He suspects may be mob-related. Though Joan doesn’t know what the mob is, she reluctantly agrees to investigate so that God will stop bugging her. God’s tip about the Mafia turns out to be way off, since the Mafia doesn’t exist yet, but Joan manages to solve the case anyway, though in the process, she is detained by some priests. God feels bad, so he sends Joan’s captors into a deep slumber, and makes and a cell key appear in Joan’s hand (S02.E09 — “The Made Man of Orléans”). CATCHPHRASE: “I have a mission for thou, shouldst thou choose to accept it.” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: Though he officially denounced The New Adventures of Joan of Arc, the Pope is known to secretly be a big fan of the show.

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#105 Zebra?

PREMISE: Zebra forgery (when a horse is painted to look like a zebra for the purpose of committing fraud) costs the U.S. economy over a billion dollars each year. Hundreds of thousands of Americans have experienced the frustration of buying a zebra from a mall outlet or sidewalk vendor, only to discover, after leaving their new pet out in the rain or taking it for a swim, that it was actually just a horse the whole time. When you need to know if an animal is really a zebra, or if it’s just a horse with stripes painted on, call Zora Zavattini and the Z Team. CHARACTERS: Zora Zavattini is a self-taught zebra expert. She spent two years secretly living in a Six Flags safari park, bonding with the zebras and learning their ways, in order to become the world’s only “zebra whisperer.” If an equine animal develops an immediate rapport with Zora and instantly follows her commands, it’s a good bet that animal is a zebra--unless it’s an unusually stubborn zebra, or an unusually obedient horse.         Zeus Zuckerman is Zora’s second-in-command. He’s a painter who, before he joined Z Team, supported himself by working as a circus strongman. Zeus’s background in the arts means he’s an expert at determining whether something has paint on it--and if someone tries to tell him otherwise, he’s got the muscle to back up his opinion.         Zsa Zsa Zabriskie is perhaps the most important member of Z Team. She owns a power washer. NOTABLE EPISODE: In a rare twist on the show’s usual formula, the Z Team investigates a pair of crooked zookeepers who are suspected of painting zebras to look like horses as part of a scheme to avoid paying the exotic animal import tax. Though the team cracks the case, it pushes their skills to the limit, and they are left with their confidence badly shaken (S06.E09 -- “Dial Z for Zebra”). CATCHPHRASE: “It’s paint!” / “Time to catch some Zs -- Zebras, that is.”

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: Zebra? had a very small budget, and since renting a zebra is much more expensive than simply painting a horse to look like a zebra, most of the “real” zebras on the show were actually horses painted to look like zebras.

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#104 D.I.A.R.Y.

PREMISE: D.I.A.R.Y. is the world’s most exclusive and secretive private security firm, with the most elite clientele. Founded by a cabal of ex-NYPD detectives, D.I.A.R.Y. pulls together security, encryption, and surveillance experts to do just one thing: protect the diaries, notebooks, and journals of the most powerful people in the world. D.I.A.R.Y. (Department for Interdicting Access to Recorded Yesterdays) ensures that your doodles, private thoughts, and what your signature would look like if you and your crush got married and you took their name, remain secret. It may be expensive to hire D.I.A.R.Y., but they never peek at what you’ve written or tell you that diaries are dumb and for babies. CHARACTERS: Slobodan Hendrix, with his distinctive mustache and burly arms, is the heart and soul of D.I.A.R.Y. He’s a tough, former SWAT member who pushes the law to the limit in his quest to protect diaries. He’ll do everything short of “throwing the book at ‘em,” since the whole point of his job is to keep books out of the wrong hands. Hendrix also has a diary of his own, in which he writes poems--though he won’t let anyone see them because they’re just “drafts or whatever.”           Tina Gao is the squad’s tech expert, a former safe cracker who was given the choice between going to prison, or using her skills as a member of D.I.A.R.Y. She has extensive knowledge of tiny little locks, invisible inks, and backwards writing. Her most audacious technique for foiling would-be snoopers and thieves is to hide diaries in plain sight, on a bookcase among other books. She also excels at writing “DO NOT READ” on marble composition books. NOTABLE EPISODE: Someone’s been peeking into former President George H.W. Bush’s Burn Book. Fearing that the snoopers are Democratic operatives seeking an edge in the 2016 campaign, the 41st President enlists D.I.A.R.Y. to crack the case. They set up an overnight sting in the Bush’s Texas mansion, but it turns that it was just Jeb. He was trying to figure out if his dad thinks he’s cool or not (S02.E17 -- “Burning Bush’s Burning Book”). CATCHPHRASE: “Hey don’t read that!” / “Someone’s been leafing...and I don’t mean a tree.” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: D.I.A.R.Y. should not be confused with D.A.I.R.Y., a police procedural set in Wisconsin.

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#103 Xavier Cupid

PREMISE: Sometimes it’s obvious why a relationship ended—but sometimes things come to an end, and nobody, not even the couple, can seem to figure out why. That’s where Xavier Cupid comes in. He’s a hard-boiled breakup detective who’s not interested in uncovering cheating or infidelity – the only lies he wants to expose are the lies people tell themselves about their relationships. This Cupid doesn’t use a bow and arrow, he carries a .44 Magnum, and he’s out to solve the greatest mysteries of all: The mysteries of the human heart. CHARACTERS: Xavier Cupid used to run the top matchmaking service in all of Chicago, but he was forced into retirement by the rise of online dating services, and a horrific accident, involving a dozen extra-thorny roses, that killed two of his clients. Now he spends his days investigating breakups that are so emotionally complex, even the people who broke up can’t seem to explain them.           Phylicia Cupid is Xavier’s wife of 35 years. They have a healthy, stable, loving relationship. Or do they? Yes, they do. NOTABLE EPISODE: Martha and Mike seemed like the perfect couple, but they broke up and their friends want to know why. They pool their money and hire Cupid, who discovers that deep down, Martha didn’t believe she could ever be as wonderful as Mike thought she was, and that Mike had an unspoken fear of repeating the mistakes his parents made in their relationship. The episode ends with Cupid accidentally getting drawn into an entirely unrelated shootout with a group of drug smugglers down at the docks where Martha and Mike took a walk on their first date (S11.E11 – “Intima-Sea Issues”). CATCHPHRASE: “Love doesn’t conquer all–but I do.” / The sound of “Nothing Compares 2 U” played over the speakers of a car parked on the side of the road, mingled with the driver’s quiet weeping. TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: There is a significant spike in the number of illegal downloads of the show every Valentine’s day.

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#101-01 “Opacity Study 46, 1965” (S03.E08)

In this iconic episode of the minimalist, avant-garde procedural Opacity Study: White/GRAY/Black, two static circles are caught in a dance of light and shadow that threatens to overtake them. The show’s creator Oren Lvov described the episode as, “A tempest of opacities that any fan of police procedurals will lose themselves in.”

See also: #101 Opacity Study: White/Gray/Black

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#102 v4.1 and v4.72

PREMISE: Can two versions of the world’s best crime program work together to solve New York City’s worst crimes? V4.1 and v4.72 is a show about mismatched partners: two generations of crime-fighting software who can’t seem to get along. A bug keeps them from being compatible with each other, which means the tension and drama are sky-high! Follow these two hot-coded softwares as they crunch numbers and banter in binary in a show that critics called, “Surprisingly exciting even though it’s mostly about algorithms.” The FUTURE of crime fighting is v4.1 and v4.72! CHARACTERS: v4.72 is advanced fingerprint organization software with the ability to cross-reference national and local criminal databases. v4.1 is an older version of the same software, slower but methodical and stable, and incompatible with Flash. The old software doesn’t understand v4.72′s new-fangled updates, especially its sleeker, more streamlined user interface. But v4.1 has  knowledge and experience that v4.72 can learn a thing or two from--like how to read data off of floppy discs.           Officer Randy Franzo is the cop in charge of running v4.72 and v4.1 on the precinct’s only computer. He is mostly unaware of the tug of war taking place inside the processors. NOTABLE EPISODE: Franzo needs to run some fingerprints from a decades-old cold case, and, as always, a struggle ensues between v4.1 and v4.72. They fight over the computer’s RAM and processing power, while Franzo remains oblivious. v4.1 is able to get access to the national fingerprint database faster, because v4.1 was friends with the fingerprint database software when they were at the police software academy together. Not to be outfoxed, v4.72 uses his connections on the deep web to track down incriminating evidence via a website selling Canadian pharmaceuticals. Together, they are able to identify the perp’s fingerprints, moments before an impatient Franzo would have tried a hard reset of the computer (S01.E09 -- “0001101001101110011100011 Most Foul”). CATCHPHRASE: “Defrag this!” / “Bazinga!” / “You still on punch cards, old man?” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: The programs that played v4.72 and v4.1 were actually married in real life.

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#101 Opacity Study: White/GRAY/Black

PREMISE: Obfuscation. Illumination. Darkness. Light. These are the central truths of every police procedural, the bare essence that is revealed when everything else is stripped away. At least that’s what avant-garde showrunner Oren Lvov hoped to prove in this Minimalist procedural, which focused on the adventures of simple geometric forms as they slowly turn from black to white, white to black.

CHARACTERS: A circle that remains gray. A line segment.

NOTABLE EPISODE: In the grimmest and most harrowing episode of the entire series, the change in brightness is nearly imperceptible, and there are no geometric forms whatsoever on screen. For the entire 42 minutes, all that is visible is a very dark field of gray (S02.E03 – “Opacity Study 25, 1964”).

CATCHPHRASE: Room tone.

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: Lvov fell out of favor with critics and viewers when he made a sitcom using wacky color gradients.

See also: #101-01 Opacity Study 46, 1965

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#100 Two Stubborn Idiots

PREMISE: Two beat cops looking for their big break decide that if they ever want to make detective, they’re going to have to show a little hustle. They set out to make a name for themselves by tracking down and arresting stamp forgers in their spare time. They choose stamp forgery because it’s a crime that hasn’t been covered much by other detectives, and also they think it’s pretty funny. Will their extra work pay off, or will they find that no one is particularly interested in their pet project of putting an end to stamp forgeries once and for all?

CHARACTERS: The show’s titular stubborn idiots are Jason Flint and his partner, Lester Banks. Though the two keep taking down stamp forgers week after week, their efforts just don’t seem to appeal to the Police Chief in the way they thought they would. While people certainly know about stamp-forging, it just doesn’t seem to be a major problem outside of certain small circles, limiting Flint and Banks’ ability to appeal to mainstream police officers. Some of their friends from the academy commend Banks and Flint’s anti-stamp-forging work, but it's hard to tell if they would be interested in the project if they weren’t their friends. Nevertheless, the two stubbornly soldier on, confident that their work will someday pay off--and also because they enjoy it.

NOTABLE EPISODE: In the show’s 100th episode, Flint and Banks make their 100th arrest and return in triumph to the station where they are sure a surprise party and promotions await them. They are wrong (S05.E04 – “Pun Too Many”).

CATCHPHRASE: “Oh, you guys are still working on that?” / “Look, it’s still fun for us.”

TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: It is widely assumed that Two Stubborn Idiots was cancelled years ago. However, new episodes are still being produced to this day. The Two Stubborn Idiots would love to crack your case, and are also available for crossovers and spinoffs.

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#022 The Spooky Documents

PREMISE: When a case is too spooky for the FBI to investigate, they type up a report and file it under “S” for “Spooky.” Now, a disgraced FBI agent and his new partner have been charged with investigating these unsolved cases. Will they find the truth, or will they get scared and run away? CHARACTERS: Felix Moore is an FBI Agent whose obsession with spooky cases ruined his once promising career. His colleagues think he’s a crackpot because of his crazy theories about the occult and supernatural. Moore’s new partner is Delilah Scoopes, an even more paranoid FBI agent with even crazier theories about the occult and supernatural and aliens and conspiracies and faucets—just wait till she tells you the truth about the faucets. Moore and Scoopes get along great. NOTABLE EPISODE: In this typical “Beast of the Fortnight” episode, an investigation into a strange disappearance is quickly derailed as Moore and Scoopes one-up each other’s theories about the mystery. They then spend the rest of the episode trying to track down Illuminati Vampires who kidnapped President Kennedy using psychic powers granted by an experimental serum developed by the Coast Guard. Moore and Scoopes find the Illuminati Vampires’ secret lair, which is located beneath Disneyland, but as usual, they can’t prove a thing. As in every episode, they vow that one of them will “definitely remember to bring a camera next time for sure.”  (S07.E19 – “Ich Bin Ein Illuminati Vampire With Psychic Powers Who Lives Underneath Disneyland”) CATCHPHRASE: “There’s got to be an irrational explanation for this.”/“Yes, and…” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: There was never any “will they won’t they” tension between Moore and Scoopes, because the two started having sex in the pilot. Conspiracy theories seemed to act as a kind of foreplay for both of them.

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From the archives.

[hypotheticalpoliceprocedurals]

#099 Punks!

PREMISE: When detective Filthy Larry is given his own police task force, he’s got just one goal: to keep punks off the streets. Filthy Larry wants to stop nogoodniks, lowlifes, and scum--punks--before they drown his city. He handpicks a team and molds them into the best investigative unit in the force, but Filthy Larry’s quest is hampered by the huge number of synonyms he uses to describe the criminals he’s after. Even so, that won’t stop Larry and the squad from squashing busters in his city. Punks beware! CHARACTERS: Filthy Larry is an old school detective. His career began in the ‘70s, on the streets busting bozos. He has a smoldering hatred for losers, dirtbags, and baddies. Now that he’s got his own crew, Larry finally has the resources he needs to mop ‘em up, wipe ‘em up, and drive ‘em to the hills.          Frank Reedy is Larry’s second in command on the task force. His job is to explain to the squad what Filthy Larry is talking about. The task force comes to Frank when Larry asks them to do things like “Pound that dirt and dig up the dirty worms.” Frank desperately tries to keep up by issuing reams and reams of definitions for Filthy Larry’s multiplying terms, but as soon as Frank clarifies what it means to “Shake the circus and clean up those clown cars,” Larry hits the team with “Wax the lame-os!” NOTABLE EPISODE: The team brings in a crew of serial bank robbers and con men, but can’t figure out which one of them is the “rude lobster in the pot” and which is the “rotten rat with a twisted tail.” Larry threatens to confiscate all their “pretty boy badges” and “fancy college receipts” if they can’t bring this one home. Then he leaves on a three week cigar break. All the suspects are turned loose when the squad is utterly unable to figure out who’s lucky and who’s unlucky in the lineup (S02.E20 “Six Perps or Five?”). CATCHPHRASE: “I think what Filthy Larry is trying to say...” / “Hogwash the party pigs and bring me their curly tails!” / “Scrubs!” TRIVIA/MISCELLANY: Later seasons focused on Filthy Larry directing films about how great America’s many wars are.