I Am Not Okay

Mel | Pansexual | Gender Non Conforming Hair Dye | Piercings | Tattoos Depression | Anxiety | Dissociation | Trauma are my constant companions. Currently way too obsessed with Heated Rivarly | Conner Storrie/Ilya Rozanov/Hollanov/Skip | Chris Colfer/Kurt Hummel/Kurtbastian/Glee due to my continuous downward spiral.

[mary-philbin]

THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965) dir. Robert Wise

[eugeniedanglars]

cens party at ilya’s house and someone tries to pull something up on his tv’s youtube app and finds out his search history is just like. shane hollander best goals compilation. ilya rozanov best goals compilation. top 5 ilya rozanov fights. shane hollander scott hunter fight. top 10 fast and furious action scenes. he has jerked off to all of these btw

[ottawacentaurshq]

heated rivalry gif meme

↳  [6/6] outfits

[raincitygirl76]

Ilya looks so pretty right at the moment his entire life is about to change forever.

[iwantsleepnstuff]

Shane would leave scratches ALL OVER Ilya after an Ottawa win. Ilya on the other hand would turn into an octopus an basically make shane all shades of purple

[flyora]

yeah that's my emotional support sketching therapy

[xohxoo]

The fact that they are like 3x the size they were here, ooooh we’re gonna eat so good for season 2 promo

[sweetangelfart]

I just know in my bones that Yuna has drawn blood in her mouth after having bit down her tongue at yet another moment where she couldn't tell someone that she has not one but BOTH the top 2 hockey players as her sons.

She's pissed off at fucking KENDRA who keeps droning on and on about her "darling" son Tobias and how the coaches were blind cause they just didnt see his potential and that he and shane could have been playing together and Yuna has to grit her teeth to not point out the fact that Tobias is a 34 year old who wheezes like a broken kazoo and has a beer gut already.

She's had to physically stop herself from rolling her eyes at Silvia who thinks that the best decision that her daughter made was marry someone 15 years older and at 18! And now bitches about how she's having to babysit 3 her grand kids when she wants to get winedrunk on a tuesday afternoon.

In all the galas the irina foundation hosts, ilya and her are a blazing formidable pair, him working his charm and grabbing everyone's attension before she swoops in to close in on the deal.

After a couple such events, she's standing at her back porch with a glass of tea in her hand and she's so fiercely proud of both of her sons and she's so glad that against all odds they're still so solid and its all she's ever wanted for shane and now ilya has become such an innate part of her little family.

The prick in her heart is only felt by David when he joins her on the pourch, grabbing her into his chest as he presses a chaste kiss to her temple. "They're good eggs. Its hard but they'll figure it out." He says as if he already read her mind and she can't help the tears that sting the corners of her eyes.

" I know but I want to protect them from everything David, I would burn everything down if i could keep them safe."

" I know darling, i know" David replies rubbing her back

" I already missed him falling in love. It was right in front of us the whole time and we had no idea. I can't believe that my little boy found his person when he was 18 and right beside me and I didn't notice. I hate that I can't tell people at work, can't brag about them to any of our relatives or friends or family." A lone tear finally makes it down her face and she's quick to wipe it away.

David feels the weight of her words with a heavy heart. He won't deny that there have been 7 separate occurrences when he's wanted to brag about ilya or about shane and ilya and the life they've created for themselves that he's come close to a slip up only to catch himself at the last second.

Both of them watch the sunrise on the porch while wishing things were different.

[fleabagsversion]

“Shane was just being nice to Ilya when he told him they are equals, otherwise Shane knows he is the better player.”

You really think Shane Hollander would lie to his own partner like that? The Shane Hollander? The bitchiest player of all time? The three times Stanly Cup winner who gloated at Ilya when he won the skating competition against him by 0.5 seconds??

The same Shane Hollander would lie to Ilya about them being equals just to be nice to him??

Y’all, be serious.

He didn’t pause on getting fingered to tell Ilya, “it’s a tie”, for y’all to discredit him like that. And I would rather trust Shane’s judgment on this than anyone else’s.

[jewelcoatfish]

it is a widely known fact that one should not bother themselves to ask hollanov for any relationship advice because most of the time it involves psychological warfare, but i think the elder centaurs have a more understanding outlook on it compared to the rookies. like young would complain to bood about shane not helpful in the gf advice sector and how they’re insane for doing what they did etc, and bood would glance over and say, “well were you ever afraid of losing your career or passport because you kiss your girlfriend?” and young just 😐 point taken. like the older guys hang out with shane and ilya a lot more often and have watched most of their careers, so i believe they have a more empathetic stance on it all, and the cens overall did find a few particular areas that hollanov are very good at, mostly taking care of your partner

[raincitygirl76]

The Cens who are pushing thirty are in Shane and Ilya’s age bracket, and know exactly how homophobic the NHL/MLH is. And those guys were adults playing in the league when Scott kissed Kip at centre ice. The rookies were probably all still in high school during the cup kiss. Intellectually they probably realize hockey is still homophobic, but they didn’t live through the worst of it, when there were zero out players.

Which is still the case in the real life NHL, incidentally. Scott Hunter is a fictional character who has no real parallel.

[notevengonnaanswerthat]

People just have to be careful about what exactly they ask. How to dtr? Not their purview. How to keep the flame alive? Meh, it’s innate for them, not learned. How to have insane sexual chemistry? They can definitely point you in the right direction. How to love and adore your partner for the rest of your shared life? May be a little intense but it’s good to have things to strive for!

[myshangel]

recentering shane getting in fights on the ice for ilya . ohhh u have a smart mouth and want to talk shit about my captain??? okay eat shit and die

[myshangel]

@shanehollandergirl literally being held back by multiple teammates spitting blood going nuts. theres two things shane hollander cares about and its hockey and his husband. and his husband is now his captain so he's basically a hater seeking missile on the ice

[magnus-the-maqnificent]

Hollanov going public having the opposite of the Barbie Movie Breakup Effect where Hollander fans and Rozanov fans just. Keep getting married.

The first time it actually happens is long before hollanov becomes public, and it goes viral, and the couple gets an article written about them. And it happens a few times afterwards. But after hollanov marriage? There's a whole boom of hollander and rozanov fans getting together.

Because turns out when you've spent years chirping each other on the internet, bumping into each other at full stadiums with black or blue warpaint smeared on your cheeks, burning the other team's jersey in front of their fan, and then suddenly you don't have a reason to hate each other? You realise you have some things in common, and they're actually not all that bad when you're supporting the same team, and- oh.

[raincitygirl76]

Love this idea! The enemy of my enemy is my friend. And then, after a while, the enemy of my enemy is the person I share bodily fluids and an electric bill with. And we have a great “meet cute” story!

[cottagehillsunset]

Hayden is invited to one of Bood's barbeques some time down the line. It's a nice evening and the Centaurs are good people. But Hayden can't shake this weird feeling of unfamiliarity all night. And at first he chalks it up to him being at a Bood barbeque the first time, hanging out with a team that isn't his. And so he always ends up looking for Shane in the crowd because that's his best friend, that's his familiar person. Except the feeling doesn't go away as he watches Shane throughout the evening.

Shane is playing with the curls at Ilya's neck. He's laughing at a joke from Luca. He rolls his eyes at a chirp from Ilya who in turn presses an exaggerated kiss to his cheek. He's playing mario kart with Wyatt and Young at some point, all of them yelling and swearing loudly. He's holding Ilya'd hand in both of his. He's talking to Harris about going back to the restaurant they went to the other day, you guys want to join us? He's hooking his ankle over Ilya's. He's beaming at Harris as he takes a picture of the couple. He's grinning at something Ilya whispers to him in Russia.

After dinner, Hayden's standing on the patio with a beer in his hand watching as Shane and Ilya chase each other around Bood's yard, a spectacle that is accompanied by loud cheers from the rookies that are watching them. At one point Shane full on tackles Ilya and they end up on the grass laughing and wrestling. Wyatt whoops and shouts "Hollzy Rozy wrestling championship back the fuck on!" joining the rookies, half of them chanting "Rozy" while the other is chanting "Hollzy".

And suddenly the weird feeling takes on a painful shape. Because it's not the team or the house that's causing this deep sense of unfamiliarity. It's seeing Shane, happy and carefree with his boyfriend and his friends in a way that Hayden has never really seen before.

[ladyelspeth14]

once in ottawa, ilya posts a photo of himself on a brand-new mattress, in a centaurs hoodie, hand on his chin, long legs sprawled out on the white fabric, a wide grin on his face.

his comment section blows up—it’s just a sponsored post, yet everyone is curious about who took the photo. ilya replies to his teammates’ teasing with a lot of winking emojis. the mattress company is stoked.

years later, after he and shane become public, this picture goes viral again. and ilya confirms that shane hollander was indeed the photographer that day.

the mattress company sends the most expensive and the largest mattress as a wedding gift to shane and ilya.

[humsaphar]

Completely forgot for a bit that Roger Crowell basically threatened Shane from coming out publicly like Scott Hunter

There’s an entire chapter of this gross slime man using very specific language to pressure Shane into staying quiet

Nobody needs to know, says the commissioner of the NHL, after calling Shane into a private 1 on 1 meeting.

Yeah Im sure this had no impact on Shane’s terror at coming out and losing hockey when commissioner is telling you to shut up.

Sorry Ilya. You’re both trapped actually, just in different ways. And it’s not fair for either of you. Nothing is fair about the situation.

Neither of you should have to. That’s a major thing that gets missed in these debates on who wronged who in TLG.

This is before Troy even joined the Centaurs btw. Shane came out to his team as per the plan. Got a terrible response and then the commissioner himself gave him a warning. The mental impact on Shane in TLG is so painful, his mind is in complete adoration mode when he’s with Ilya but whenever there’s a a switch to the public, he shuts down. It’s not surprising that for Shane, staying hidden felt like a refuge longer than it felt for Ilya. But it was still a cage and Shane starts chafing at it too.

(I’m not surprised people missed stuff about Shane in TLG. Ilya’s in greater focus, he sacrificed so much and his internal monologues are very different from Shane’s, extremely emotional and poetic and they draw you in very deeply.)

The kicker is that if Hollanov were newbie players then they could’ve been kicked out and silenced. It’s only because they’ve proven themselves to be the best in the league that they aren’t intimidated so easily. They know their worth as players, but that doesn’t mean it stopped being unfair.

Shane chooses Ilya regardless of the consequences and gives up his legacy for him. It’s an incredible moment and Shane is so brave here.

And it’s exactly what Ilya wanted and needed and hoped for

I love this chapter so much. Crowell sucks so much. I still hate how unfair it is. I really wonder if the recording of this meeting is going to show up in the third book.

[raincitygirl76]

Shane is stressed out in The Long Game for very good reason! The most powerful administrator in hockey is threatening him.

[martelldoran]

i think for me one of the reasons i like episode 3 is for the narrative fact that shane and ilya think they're alone in this and as far as they're concerned, they are, only for episode 3 to open with a pantomime call of "oh no they're not!". scott is sitting right next to them and they have no idea! i think it does a really good job of highlighting how isolating their experiences are while also reinforcing that hockey is the reason they're not coming out and is what's keeping them in the closet. with what's coming in tlg, i think that's an important narrative thread to establish in season one and is part of the reason why i think if season two has a standalone episode it will be a troy focussed one.

[troy-barrett-love]

As much as I love reading fics in which Troy proposes, I think Harris would be the one to propose to Troy.

Simply because, while Troy's self-image has improved massively, he still has doubts and sometimes feels like he doesn't deserve happiness or Harris.

Also Harris would also actually have fun planning it, while Troy would set the record for the most panick attacks in a day.

[raincitygirl76]

Agreed. Troy’s self-esteem issues and his guilt over his Evil Henchman backstory would likely mean he’d be too intimidated to propose to Harris. Feel like Harris could do better, so why even bother asking?

Harris would make the proposal both fun and romantic. He would also find a way to work in that they are definitely getting a prenup. Harris knows Troy wouldn’t ask him for one, but Harris is also a practical man. And he doesn’t want people thinking he’s a gold digger.

Troy and Harris will spend much of their engagement bickering over the prenup. Not because Harris is being greedy about Troy’s money, quite the opposite.

I don’t see them getting married for quite a while, though. They’re both only 25 when they fall for each other. And Troy has canonically only been out of the closet for about thirty minutes. They moved very quickly from mutual attraction to boyfriends who are planning to cohabit soon.

I don’t think they’d be in a big rush to take the step after that right away. Just let them enjoy being out for a while, and getting to live together, and train Chiron together. And let Harris introduce Troy to all the queer culture stuff he missed out on when he was so deep in the closet he might as well have been in Narnia.

Also, I predict Curtis Barrett flipping out very publicly over Troy coming out. This is the worst thing that has ever happen to a Curtis. Crash outs on Twitter, calling up sports journalists to accuse Harris of corrupting his straight son, etc. And talking to those journalists on the record.

So now everybody who follows hockey has figured out the specific reasons that Troy was so deep in the closet. It’s not just that he plays in a very homophobic sport and Goronto’s locker room was even more toxic than the average NHL locker room. Also his dad’s a massive bigot.

Harris uses Curtis’s extremely public crash outs to convince Troy to go to therapy. He hates therapy with a holy passion, but it gradually starts to help.

[raincitygirl76]

I also predict that not long after Role Model ends, Curtis hastily decides to have children with his much younger second wife. Previously he hadn’t wanted more, and it had been a dealbreaker. Troy’s infancy and toddler years had been a pain in the ass for Curtis. Julia was preoccupied with her small child rather than with her husband. It wasn’t until Troy started showing so much talent at hockey that Curtis really started finding there was much point to fatherhood.

But now that his only existing child has been revealed to be “defective”, Curtis will father more children in his fifties.

[stabthroughme]

Pondering a moment where Ilya gets laid out on the ice. Bood is canonically on Ilya’s line, so he’s out there doing his alternate captain thing and Wiebe is trying to handle the medical stuff.

Shane can tell Ilya will be okay, he can tell that he’s only following the med team down the tunnel because he knows Shane will want confirmation he’s either got a concussion or doesn’t before he kisses him.

But the rest of the Cens that aren’t on the ice don’t see Ilya’s face like the guys on the ice, can’t read his body like Shane can, and they’re tense and worried.

Shane quietly reassuring them, a gentle but firm voice he hasn’t used since he signed to Ottawa settling in his throat. Shane Hollander is a natural leader and his team has one captain and one alternate and both are busy.

He reassures them, reminds them of the game plan, points out the tings he sees in Ilya that reassure Shane that he’s okay. When the ice clears and Wiebe sends out Luca and Shane’s line they’re significantly less shook up, barely at all.

“See that’s a major upside to experience,” the commentators will say, “Hollander’s been captain for almost a decade, he knows how to read a room.”

“Or a bench,” will be the quip, humorous in exactly Shane’s brand of humour. And the coverage shifts back to the ice where it’s Shane being the Canadian Terminator and avenging his husband with a hat trick so clean he makes it look as easy as spreading soft butter on hot toast.

No one is surprised when a couple days later the Cens announce that Shane’s been given an A. Even his worst self-deprivation can’t keep Shane from admitting he earned it, watching the coverage the cameras got of him checking in with every teammate on the bench, and skating over to check in with Wyatt before the game started up again.

If Shane watched the coverage on Ilya’s tablet while rubbing bruise cream in and kissing him and being eternally grateful it wasn’t as bad as it looked… well, what would anyone expect, really?

[raincitygirl76]

This all strikes me as incredibly plausible. In his first season with the Centaurs, Shane would be 30. He first started playing against Ilya at 17, and he’s very observant. After 13 years playing against Ilya regularly, he knows when Ilya’s badly hurt and when he isn’t.

If Ilya’s injuries were serious, I highly doubt Shane would wait for Coach Wiebe’s permission to leave. He’d just start unlacing his skates on the bench, preparing to ride along in the ambulance. But that’s not the case here. And Shane isn’t paid to worry about his husband’s minor injuries, he’s paid to win games. The chances of them winning are a lot higher if Shane can calm everybody else on the team down.

That said, I bet there would be extensive Online Discourse about if Shane is a bad husband. He didn’t panic when Ilya got hurt, doesn’t he love him? Why would this intensely high-achieving professional athlete choose to stay on the ice and salvage the game instead of holding Ilya’s hand while he got checked out? Is their marriage in trouble?

I bet that discourse would trend on Twitter for at least 24 hours. It would be bullshit, but it would trend. Oh, and the homophobes would hate it. They claim f-slurs are too weak and emotional for hockey and it’s fucking weird that husbands are playing together.

And here’s an f-slur watching his husband go down on the ice. But instead of screaming and panicking, Shane takes on a leadership role, calms down all his teammates, and leads them to a win. His behaviour isn’t very romantic, but it’s very efficient. And it’s awkward for the homophobic fans who argue that the hockey husbands are ruining this traditional manly sport with their icky lust and emotions.

Of course, anybody who watches women’s hockey could have told the fans that when a player’s girlfriend or wife gets injured during a game, that player will usually keep going unless the injury is serious. But I suspect there isn’t much overlap between fans of women’s hockey and insecure fans of men’s hockey who feel weird about gay cooties.