*endless internal screaming*

Catch-all fanblog. Currently posting about Heated Rivalry, 911, Bridgerton, Suits, Stranger Things, Marvel, Lucifer and Merlin — among other ships. Header credit: The lovely, @evaneddie

[springbornpunk]

It’s time. Yall better light a candle for your favs

[scartafacci]

ilya: do you like them? girls?

shane: for sure! i have a distant cousin who’s a girl and she’s always been cool i guess? also my mom is a girl or even a woman you could say and i think she’s neat :)

[mythmagicetc]

ilya on his couch trying so hard to sound nonchalant: so is there a mrs real estate

[nightquills]

the idea of them sitting down at a restaurant for lunch with shane's parents and shane was running late so ilya's already done the whole allergy check by the time he gets there, and the waitress is waiting to take his order and shane is a little ruffled because Late and Person Is Waiting On Me, so ilya ever so helpfully, "the chicken sandwich loves you" "ilya please" "the chicken *burger* hates you, though. she is slut for sesame seeds." "can you please just be normal about this ONE time." yuna from across the table: "the salmon salad loves you, too, if you get it without croutons." "i swear to GOD i will move to another table."

(referencing this post)

this is so cute and so funny and i am enjoying shane's embarrassment and despair at the hands of his concerned and loving family so much

david very helpfully volunteers that "the tilapia, uh.... cheated on you? since last time? they said they changed the recipe for the breading and now it has almonds."

shane puts his head in his hands like "maybe anaphylaxis would be better than this. i'm not even that hungry."

"shane! there's no need to be so dramatic," yuna says.

ilya, ever the helpful menace, has a suggestion. "lyubimyy, we ordered loving appetizers for the table to share. you and i could split a main dish as well? it will be like a threeso—"

shane stands up, tells the waitress "i am so sorry for the delay. i'll have the salmon salad without croutons," and goes to use the bathroom for A Moment Of Peace, Please God Above

the waitress has so many questions, and she is getting no answers. but she very carefully logs the order and notes that it's because of allergies, and she gets a very nice tip at the end of the hollander-rozanov family's lunch.

[penandinkprincess]

shane after being told so sincerely, "i already checked menu. there are many lovers for you." iN THIS PUBLIC SPACE. ILYA, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU.

(also david trying to adopt this metaphor is fucking KILLING ME) (shane just ready to sink into the pit of the earth as his parents are telling him that the bread at this restaurant got a mistress since last time) (it's sesame) (free him)

[penandinkprincess]

the margherita pizza now has a second family :(

[bugslibraryy]

Also who wants to talk about aftercare for Shane and Ilya like just imagine post cottage, as boyfriends now having their hookups but there’s 💫love💫 there now and they are allowed to acknowledge it now. Like I live to think of the transition to remembering they can linger and care and adore. Thinking of Ilya just showering Shane in praise and touch and love and Shane being able to stay blissed out in subspace and syrupy and soft eyed and settled for a long stretch, strung along by Ilya staying inside him, petting his skin in big open hand touches, kissing him slow and dizzying. Big brown eyes gazing up at Ilya like he’s the only thing in the world, slow blinks. Ilya telling him he’s so good and sweet and Ilya’s and so beautiful and how good this is - the sex they have, like nothing else has ever been. Sappy sweet loving and touching and nuzzling and clinging

[vendetta06]

the sluttiest thing a man could do is be covered in blood and grip his wounded side in agony

[takemetohr]

myilya drags sveta along to a pike birthday party or barbecue once when she is visiting. he doesnt want to miss out on his cool uncle privileges and forces sveta along with him and shane

sveta is not enthused by the sticky children, but she also brings the best gifts. ilya is glad his best friend is integrating into this part of his life. but is also PISSEDDDDD. wdym arthurs favorite gift was from sveta and not him? what the fuck??? no, hes cool uncle ilya, thats his thing!!!!!!!!

sveta isnt seen often, but when she is? massive gifts, looking stunning. she is not afraid at all to tell off the kids, theyre kind of scared of her, but she is also caring when she knows they need it. not too mushy, but knows when to talk them up. and the kids who are interested in hockey yap her ear off, and she very much engages with that conversation, even if she tries to pretend like she doesnt care

she quickly becomes aunt sveta, and ilya cant help but get a little emotional about it. which sveta then teases him for, and they beat each others asses

[ivviannaa]

something so many people in this fandom seem to forget is that depression isn't cured by love. ilya will go through his life with a supportive team, an adoring husband, wonderful friends and in-laws, and he's still going to have days where he doesn't want to get up. he's still going to be angry at himself for not being better despite everything. he's still going to flinch when he sees pill bottles and knives and wonder if he laughs like his mother. through therapy and being honest and maybe medication, those days are going to be less frequent until maybe they barely happen at all. but they're still going to happen, because ilya is still depressed, and you can't love the depression out of someone

[freezethismoment]

shane, who will sometimes drop what he’s doing to simply hug ilya. squeeze him so tight and rock him back and forth a little. ilya will laugh softly as he squeezes back, brush soft kisses to the top of shane’s head, ask what is this for? and shane will sigh, say, cause i love you. and cause we did it. and ilya will understand immediately— they did it. they made it here. here, where they are married and out and living together and playing hockey together and so happy and so in love— and he’ll say yes. we did. i love you. and press his mouth into shane’s hair. and they’ll stand there, rocking back and forth, basking in the warm sweet glowy feeling.

[penandinkprincess]

I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them

he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"

and ilya

[penandinkprincess]

reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"

and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-

"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"

"what are you talking about?"

shane: "i'm allergic"

"??? since WHEN??"

"since always??"

"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"

"jackie knows"

"WHY DOES JACKIE KNOW AND I DON'T"

[penandinkprincess]

yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"

shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.

[penandinkprincess]

he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"

and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??

[penandinkprincess]

A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.

B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.

C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-

[penandinkprincess]

@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD

@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!

[penandinkprincess]

shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-

oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.

and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.

also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.

[penandinkprincess]

GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-

and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."

[penandinkprincess]

MAN

shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.

but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.

this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.

[penandinkprincess]

@riddlemaster101

i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail

for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣

[wendydarling95]

Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?

David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."

It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.

And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."

They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?

Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.

[penandinkprincess]

WEEPING

also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore

significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all

[penandinkprincess]

also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"

[penandinkprincess]

GOD shane who never really got the experience as a kid of getting to sleep over at someone's house and just Know there would be food for him to eat. he either had to bring his own or ask to read labels because he promised his parents he would, and then sometimes there just. wasn't an option.

and now he gets to go to his boyfriend's house and just know there'll be a cabinet of stuff that's safe for him. doesn't even have to worry about it. this is the Shane Cabinet, and it contains Shane Food. and when there's dinner?? that will also be Shane Food.

he's not the one person left out. not here. <3

[penandinkprincess]

OH MY GOD, THOUGH. SHANE WHO IS SO USED TO SAFE FOODS AND DIET-ADHERENT THINGS THAT ARE BORING BUT WON'T KILL HIM THAT HE IS SURPRISED AND PLEASED BY FLAVOR IN A WAY THAT ABOUT GIVES ILYA A HEART ATTACK.

he takes a bite of food as ilya is putting things away and goes, "holy shit"

and ilya freezes and looks over and just "what"

"oh my GOD"

"what? what is happening?"

"ilya, FUCK"

"what? is reaction? there is something you are reacting to? you need-"

"what?"

"what is wrong? what's happening? you need epi-"

"oh, nothing's happening! it just tastes really good. :)"

*hand over his chest, heart pounding* "...H O L L A N D E R."

[starinthegarden]

the first part of project hail mary is so funny to me because what do you mean grace asks ‘what’s project hail mary’ and it immediately cuts to stratt presenting a ‘what is project hail mary’ powerpoint. these cuts are diabolically stupid and i love them

[zipstick]

concept. gracerocky soulmate au (romantic or platonic you decide) where once you're like. idk at the start of the chain of events that leads you to your soulmate you begin to have prophetic dreams about the moment you make physical contact with them for the first time.

after grace moves onto the aircraft carrier he begins to have a recurring nightmare where he is surrounded by red flashing lights, immobilised and unable to breathe, when a giant spider creature crawls out of the darkness and drags him away. and then he wakes up

[medeaschorus]

do you guys think that when Stratt was going through the vlogs she got to the “so I met an alien” part and was like ‘shit he went crazy’ only to see Rocky roll on screen like 3 videos later

[introvertathome]

Okay, stay with me here

Rocky never shows up on the videos until like halfway through. Earth can't see or even hear him until about halfway through Grace's collection of vlogs

They all think he lost his fucking mind but somehow succeeded on the mission

[avoid-avoidance]

Imagine a newly-arrived-to-Erid Grace, sealed in a small oxygenated observation room, lying asleep on a cushioned platform. So far, Rocky has been the only Eridian bold enough to put on a xenonite suit and join Grace in the room; other Eridian scientists are gathered just outside, listening to the alien shifting about -- in its sleep!!! -- and occasionally mumbling.

A particularly pessimistic and irritating Eridian is pontificating to the others, insisting on the highest degree of caution when interacting with the alien in any way, even if that comes at the sacrifice of speed in treating the alien's ailments. Rocky is furious at the implication of "even if that comes at the sacrifice of the alien, period", but silent, unwilling to express his counterargument at full volume and risk waking Grace. Still, he is almost vibrating with anger where he sits on the makeshift 'human-style' bed beside his friend.

"This creature moves about even when supposedly at rest! It's unnatural! Perhaps Rocky-hero only survived the journey here at all because he was safely on the other side of a barrier of xenonite and ammonia, out of this creature's reach. Who knows what violent urges and instincts are contained within that bizarre body?"

The collective attention of the gathered Eridians shifts to focus in on Grace's slumbering form.

As if on cue, Grace rolls onto his side, still snoozing away, and cuddles his whole body in a curve around Rocky's, in a shockingly-close mimicry of a parent [Eridian-cat-equivalent] curling around its [Eridian-kitten-equivalent].

Rocky is quite annoyed when the resulting chorus of [Eridian-"awww"-equivalent] IS enough to finally wake his human friend from his much-needed rest.

[diaryofadigitalloser]

DONT YOU DARE HIDE THIS IN THE TAGS

[avoid-avoidance]

I also like to imagine a small subset of Eridians — maybe not bad people necessarily, but freaked out by a rapidly-and-suddenly-changing world and grasping for anything they can do to try and exert control over their circumstances? — jumping down Rocky’s figurative throat about him choosing to share so much potentially-sensitive information about Eridian anatomy and Erid’s culture, government, etc. with the first random sapient alien Rocky found floating out in space.

And then Rocky has to roll his figurative eyes and patiently (or not. Actually, definitely NOT patiently, that’s funnier) point out to those Eridians trying to scold him — the ‘random sapient alien’ freely chose to give ROCKY a massive data dump of information about the alien’s own race, including the precise location of the alien’s planet and instructions for how to build horrific weapons that could wipe out all life on that planet.

[smallestflowtree]

PSA for fanfic writers

[mymansmoon]

shane's face after ilya picks him up my god he's so turned on. this guy is 200lbs of pure muscle he follows a diet other professional athletes have never even heard of and spends half his life in the gym, the other half muscling big strong hockey players out the way to get to a puck. and ilya just lifted him right off the ground and is ferrying him over to the bed where he Is Going To Fuck Him. my sweet steaming-engine-brain shane has never blanked so hard in his life. he's barely a person in this moment he is just Hormone

[graceebooks]

#if you are a person who is not little and have ever been picked up easily by a partner for the first time in your life... u get it

[ilyasmole]

you know how that first morning at the cottage ("i like you" / "i like you too") ilya's kind of half asleep and then after they talk shane cuddles in again and ilya pulls him close....i think ilya fell back asleep but shane didn't and after cuddling for a lil while he carefully got out of bed to go take a piss and start on breakfast. and then ilya woke up to the smell of bacon (BACON!! SHANE HOLLANDER COOKING BACON!! FOR ILYA!!) and he practically floated into the kitchen wanting to wrap his arms around shane and start their first morning together and then-

then he froze in place bc shane is standing there in just his underwear and fucking stubble. stubble. ilya's never seen this man with stubble up to this point and he hadn't noticed it earlier, was too sleepy. but now he's just standing at the edge of the kitchen with wide eyes as shane plates their breakfast and finally shane notices him standing there and looks up like 🤨 why are you just standing there

and ilya just: