My life

Hello! I have studied BioMed Science in the UK. During school and uni years, I had always spent lots of time for studying and had little time for myself. From now on, I want to have hobbies and become more fit. Here, I will post pictures of my progress in this direction. I hope this blog will help to maintain my motivation to become healthier, both mentally and physically, and get more wonderful experiences.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Primitive defence mechanism: Acting out

Acting out is performing an extreme behaviour, that is destructive to self and/or others, to express negative thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable to express in another more helpful way, e.g. by talking out, expressive therapy, psychodrama or mindful awareness of the feelings. Extreme behaviour may be deliberately bad or be a thoughtless wrongdoing. The acting out is usually anti-social and may take the form of acting on the impulses (e.g. drinking or drug taking). Alternatively, the person acts out to get attention (e.g. throwing a tantrum, storming out of the room or behaving promiscuously) or get power (e.g. shouting when feeling powerless or punching a hole through the wall). Acting out can be associated with self-esteem issues (e.g. acting out to distract another person from their wrongdoing).

When the person knows that they are doing wrong, they may seek to protect themselves from society's eyes by hiding their action. They may also use other coping mechanisms such as Denial to protect themselves from feeling shame.

The repressed, unrecognized, destructive anger can turn against the self, e.g. self-injury, psychosomatic symptoms, becoming accident-prone, attempts of suicide, or unconscious acts of self-sabotage or destruction of relationships, work, and so on.

When a person acts out, they “release pressure”. However, reflecting upon internal feelings is a more mature coping strategy which is required to discover the source of negative feelings and solve the problem. Developing the ability to express one's conflicts safely and constructively is an important part of impulse control, personal development and self-care. Personally, I often regretted about acting out and rarely about withholding my emotions. However, it sometimes seemed to be impossible to stay strong.

Crying is typical of me when I find myself in very stressful situation e.g. conflict. Crying helps me to de-stress, but it would be best if I did not cry in many cases in the past, but rather had acknowledged my mistakes, confessed and brought my apologies to an affected party. The best idea to try in the future is to avoid talking when I get overwhelmed, when my analysis of situation is impaired, otherwise I can say something I have given very little thought about: it may be words which unintentionally hurtful or lies, some of which pass me by unnoticed.

What I should do, in my opinion, is to try to find a way to escape from the situation, if possible, without drama. I can inform others I feel overwhelmed and need time to calm down. After this, I need to avoid thinking about possible excuses for my mistakes such as “I was provoked”, “it was an isolated incident”, “this is just who I am”, or “my mood is to blame”. I struggled in the past to take responsibility and admit I was wrong. This made problems to escalate, brought me unnecessary stress and my memory would get reconstituted so that I suffer less from the guilt and my self-concept is preserved. Now, I know that it is best to admit mistakes irrespective how hard it can be, so the healing can start straight away. Even if it means that my confession can push away the people – they deserve to know the truth. I must accept consequences of my mistakes (P.S. anger of another person is fine, but abuse - no). What I should do next is to discuss how another person and me are affected by the situation and how to solve it. If I do all these things, I would not have to defend an incorrect position and would show that I respect the people affected by my actions.

Important thing for me is to remember to be kind to myself, not to think I am a failure overall, and to believe that I am stronger that I think.

My failures are hard to admit, and it is even harder to speak about them online when I do not see many others “confessing their sins”. Despite it may be repelling for others to read, I find it useful to write about my mistakes online – this way I hope to become capable of admitting my mistakes more readily when needed.

There’s plenty of information about how not to lose control and how to admit your own mistakes. Good luck with your research of the topics.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Primitive defence mechanism: Regression

When faced with unacceptable, fearful, threatening thoughts and situation, people may abandon mature coping strategies and revert to patterns of behaviour used earlier in development – this is age regression. It is typically observed in people with depression, psychiatric disorders, substance abuse, or in those who had very stressful events in the past. Now ask yourself: can a child have a mature relationship, career, independent life? No, and this is why our relationships can fall apart, why we feel so anxious, insecure, inferior or lonely. 

Here are some examples of regression: * Suddenly, the person perceives their partner as e.g. critical mother and the person tantrums, whines, pouts, and turns passive-aggressive. * Under a great deal of stress, the adult may be refusing to leave the bed and engage in normal, everyday activities. * The adult who is overwhelmed with fear and anger might become clingy or cry a lot. * Some other signs of regression: chain smoking, substance abuse, overeating or avoiding eating, being mute, being verbally and physically abusive, shouting, acting out in sexual impulses, playing dumb, poor body image, low self-esteem, destructive self-criticism, emotional numbness, too weak or too rigid boundaries, self-harm, emotional imbalances, being “false”/wearing “masks”, commitment and intimacy problems, lack of trust into others or yourself, excessive lying, being dependent, being fiercely competitive, obsessive behaviour, lack of genuine friends, being passive, and being manipulative. 

To a certain degree, mild regressive behaviours are considered harmless, reduce stress level and do not require therapy. However, people with complex or traumatic childhoods may not have matured properly through all the stages of growth and may continue to act out in destructive ways, be removed from reality, and have poor coping strategies. 

To solve this problem, we first need to become conscious of our inner child. Next, we need to learn to take our inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within: to listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now. The primal needs of that inner child, namely love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, and understanding, remain the same today as when we were children. As pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us, but this is doomed to failure. What we didn't sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, painful though it may be. The past traumas, sadness, disappointments and depression cannot be changed and must be accepted. Authentic adulthood requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of that inner child's needs, for being a "good enough" parent to him or her now and in the future. It is often easier to feel compassion for other people than it is for yourself and you may have been rejecting and ignoring the yearning of your inner child - who has been calling out to you, over many years, for your interest, attention, compassion and love. However, you should learn to relate to the inner child exactly as a good parent relates to their child, providing discipline, limits, boundaries and structure. These are all, along with support, nurturance, and acceptance, indispensable elements of loving and living with any child. By maintaining an ongoing dialogue between inner child and mature adult, a new, mutually beneficial, cooperative, symbiotic relationship can be created in which the sometimes conflicting needs of both the adult self and inner child can be creatively satisfied. Remind yourself how special and wonderful you were as a child. When you speak kindly to your inner child, have a loving and soothing inner voice –supportive, soft, nurturing, patient and comforting. Tell that s/he is loved, valued, and appreciated by you. Be sure to tell that s/he doesn't have to prove her- or himself to anyone. None of those bad things happened to her was his or her fault. S/he didn't deserve to be treated badly. S/he was just in the wrong place and had no means of escape, but s/he is now free. There is nothing wrong with her/him. Tell them how proud you are of them. S/he needs to feel respected. Don't tolerate disrespect ever again. S/he need never again fear being alone because you are always there for her now. Apologise for not being aware of her/his pain and needs in the past, and of pushing her/him too hard to try and impress others. Assure her/him that you will only allow safe, trustworthy and respectful people into his/her world. Regularly ask her/him how they feel and what they want. Imagine sitting alongside that little child, putting your arm around their shoulders and gently pulling them close to your heart. If s/he wants to cry, let this happen, and be there as her new parent to wipe the tears and soothe their pain or fear. Accept all their feelings and don't react negatively to what comes up. Be patient. Promise to do your best to bring them the joy that has been missing from their life – and this will be profoundly healing for you both. If needed, relive those awful past experiences, allow yourself to say things you could not do at that time, calm yourself and find alternative ways of describing the past event that better promote a sense of resilience and foster adaptive strength in you. Allow yourself to have ‘treats’ that you would never allowed yourself in the past, but do not over indulge yourself. 

I wish your adult to spend time with your inner child today.

P.S. I do have this inner child who has so many needs unfulfilled. I am going to work on it from now on.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Primitive defence mechanism: Denial.

Recently, I mentioned about that I exhibit some psychological defence mechanisms which are not mature enough e.g. denial. I learned about various defence mechanisms, mature and primitive ones, to find out whether I can improve here as well. I will write a bit about each of them and give examples. Denial of responsibility: the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist while being apparent to others. Alternatively, the person can admit the fact but deny its seriousness. At last, the person can admit the fact and seriousness of the fact but deny responsibility by blaming somebody or something else. Gaslighting and victim blaming. Deny the abuse, then attack the victim for attempting to make them accountable for their offense, thereby reversing victim and offender. Denial can be a healthy option to protect our egos during tough situations, such as when we deny how tired we are to finish a workout. When you deny reality to engage in unhealthy behaviours or allow a bad situation or relationship to continue, then it can be harmful. Examples: People take credit for their successes and find 'good reason' for their failures, blaming the situation, other people, etc. Alcoholics vigorously deny that they have a problem. We are fooling ourselves into thinking that we are helpless when the reality is that we are anything but helpless. Children often repress memories of abuse not only due to their pain, but because they’re dependent on their parents, want to be loved, and are powerless to leave home. If we were emotionally abused as a child, we wouldn’t consider mistreatment by our spouse to be abuse - we might acknowledge that our spouse is verbally abusive, but minimize or rationalize it, and still think that we are loved (that was me). The person can avoid thinking or understanding the harms his/her behaviour has caused to self or others. Have you ever used the phrase, "[insert adjective] are [negative quality]"? It might be time to get honest with yourself and ask what you have contributed to the situation. Your actions do have weight, and they impact you, as well as others. Blame just allows you to shift the responsibility for your actions to someone else. After all, the one common denominator in all of your dilemmas and difficult situations is YOU. If we find ourselves dealing with the same types of bad circumstances over and over again, then there is a good chance that we are in a state of denial. Denial stops us from taking responsibility for our choices, leaving us free to continue to blame others while making those same bad choices over and over again. What are other ways to recognize denial? Denial often appears as anxiety, anger, emotional outbursts, snapping at someone, or displaying unusually volatile mood swings. Also, you can live in denial about your poor decisions and “solve” them by making excuses or act as if you have no control. Saying “I wish I would’ve done this…” – another example. At last, when we are in denial, self-image is inevitably affected. Some negative consequences of denial: — Denial requires continued compromises with reality to maintain the pretence that "Everything is fine!" or "when X happens, everything will be fine!” — The denier places the blame for the unacceptable reality on someone else and that leads to increased conflict between deniers and non-deniers. Efforts to maintain their denial consumes them and will lead them to escalate their anger and rage as their denial becomes untenable and ever more obvious (I think this guy X may have had this problem). — The denier distorts language and logic to rationalize and justify their behaviour. Eventually, the person in denial will simply refer to his feelings or emotions as the sole justification of their actions/words. — In the end, interactions with those in denial are characterized by the denier's frequent smugness; sense of superiority; arrogance; belittlement of alternative views; and undiluted hatred toward anyone or any idea that questions their views. When faced with an overwhelming turn of events, it's OK to say, "I just can't think about all of this right now." You might need time to work through what's happened and adapt to new circumstances. But it's important to realize that denial should only be a temporary measure — it won't change the reality of the situation. Accept the situation: it can be that you cannot face the situation now, or that you are hurt or hurt someone. Stay away from negative self-talk, even if it seems deserved. Think about the hidden motives for your behaviour or belief. Admit your vulnerabilities, sensitivities and biases. When you accept the situation, avoid getting consumed by regret: it is useless, pointless, self-defeating, can rob you of a better future or even the present. Think about negative consequences of your denial and the ways in which you can be a person that you respect in dealing with your problem. In some cases, you may not even be able to fix it completely, but focus on improvement instead of perfection.

*** After understanding this truth about denial, I see how I ended up in the same situations where people I cared about abused me emotionally, why I felt unable to change my life, why I blamed others and felt a victim, why I noticed bad traits in others and ignored the same in myself, why I snapped at others in the past. I love psychology. *** How to deal with denial of a person you love

http://drsanity.blogspot.com/2006/04/strategies-for-dealing-with-denial_17.html

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Being hypocrite, or pointing fingers outward without recognising your own mistakes

Another “psycho” behaviour which I and two of my exes exhibited is pointing fingers outward without recognizing their own mistakes, especially in a heat of conversation about relationship problems. This may make a person want to adopt perfect traits to avoid such unpleasant talks. I think my partner and I could just think in such moments: “I am cornered, and it is unfair I will be thought of as a bad person when he/she did things much worse in a similar situation”. It is not nice when you are blamed instead of being told in a nice way what you did wrong, how it affected your partner and what can be improved. Our defences can be stronger with the closest ones, who can hurt us the most, potentially. You don’t want to get hurt, you don’t want your partner to be angry with you or think bad about you, you don’t want to be abandoned, you don’t want to listen about your mistakes because your self-esteem is wobbly – there’s so many possible reasons. It sometimes does not matter whether your partner shows signs of aggression or anger. This line of defence makes happiness in relationship harder to achieve, turning the partner off you. I think that people who had negative past experiences can stay on guard as adults. I can, for example, see the same type of behaviour my overly punitive parents had: they always pointed out my faults and were merciless at this. This comparison is so unpleasant. Realising one’s mistakes requires a great deal of responsibility, humility and ego strength. When I look back, I see that people could notice mistakes in me which I became aware of only much later. This makes me want to be more open to criticism, especially if it is not offensive (I cannot trust the opinion of a person who is unstable enough to offend). I sometimes overreact when I hear criticism, even constructive one i.e. I can get sad for a few days about it. However, I will try to develop more self-awareness by focusing on the content of criticism rather than thinking whether I should be offended by it or lose hope in myself. I wish my partners would also listen to my critique. I found a good phrase which suits best here: “You may with the battle, but you will lose the war”. You should keep perspective on what’s important in relationship, and it is – to understand each other, make another to feel comfortable with you, become a better person, create a better relationship – this all is more important than to prove you are better than another person. Also, I think that if people got together, they want to stay together, and it is extremely unlikely that your partner would just want suddenly to hurt you. S/he can be angry, can be critical, but there are so many reasons for this, and no matter on which side you are, the one to blame or a critic – you need to treat your darling at least as good as other people you value, love and care about. Just communicate your feelings, without being a victim or being offensive. For example, rather than saying, "You made me feel terrible when you forgot to call me. What were you even doing? You ruined my whole night. You always disappoint me," you could say, "I noticed that I started feeling insecure when you didn't call me. I think I tend to use those situations to feel bad about myself. I'd like to work on feeling more secure in myself. And it would mean something to me for you to make an effort to stay in touch." How can you have no desire to protect the latter, to do anything for him/her? This person is open about his/her feelings, has self-awareness, does not want to attack you. I want to be like this person. If you want to disprove your partner in something, try to do it without turning conversation on him/her – just bare facts. Another useful thing to have is compassion to others who criticize us in a respectful manner – I think it may be not nice to suffer for them from my behaviour and equally not easy to express their opinion. If you are the one who wants to criticize another - challenge your judgements, think about possible explanation this person may have to calm yourself down.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Splitting (psychology)

I don't know why the guy, who I thought was an ideal best friend, started to treat me as I am his worst enemy. I also questioned why I idealised him or other people during some periods of time. While googling for answers, I encountered the idea of “splitting” in psychology. Splitting (also black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking) is a failure in person’s thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of others or/and the self into a cohesive, realistic whole. Instead, this person tends to think in extremes e.g. “that guy=evil”, while ignoring the good about this person or interpreting “the good” as “the hidden evil”. It is a common defence mechanism to protect us from unbearable feelings, is normal for kids, but abnormal for adults.   

The relationships of such people, who experience the splitting sometimes or always, can be unstable and are intensely emotional. For example, the person A can perceive his/her partner as a soulmate, loving person, but, vice versa, can start perceiving his/her partner as a virulent person with lots of flaws. If you question the person A, s/he can tell at good times: “I am not aware of imperfections in my partner or they are minor or will definitely go away” and at bad times: “my partner B, of course, had good traits, did good in the past, and now probably there’s something good in him/her”. However, this way of speaking "I see positive and negative traits at the same time" may have been adopted from others, and the reality is – the person A may be blinded by the “goodness” or “badness” of the partner B. 

Additionally, splitting makes people to have “mood swings” and identity diffusion, e.g. “this week I feel so good, believe in and value myself” and “the previous week I lost all hope in my change and I am just totally bad”. These people struggle to figure out who they are, and this can lead to depression.   Some other signs of psychological splitting: 

• Perceiving somebody as an exceptionally bad or good person (even if it is only at specific times) • A varying perspective of others that changes from positive to negative and back again • Raising one’s own esteem by belittling others who think differently • Constantly changing one’s mind over important issues • Changing one’s self-image to suit the circumstances • Aggressive personality • When in fight with the partner, you feel as the world is crumbling • You go through cycles of “I love you”, “I don’t need you”, “don’t leave me”, “I hate you” • You want perfect relationship • In fights, you perceive yourself exclusively as the victim and/or someone who is totally right How might you be using psychological splitting? • To justify unreasonable behaviour e.g. you don’t understand someone’s actions which hurt you • To portray yourself as the real victims e.g. criminals can start even to believe in their innocence or that they were manipulated 

I have found an old scientific paper by Burland (1994) “Splitting as a consequence of severe abuse in childhood”, where abuse means emotional or physical abuse. I have not checked other papers.   

A possible cure for such people: force yourself to write down positive, negative and neutral traits of a person who you perceive in one light only. It is hard to be objective, but, hopefully, the practice will help. Be willing to prove yourself wrong, whether you put another person on a pedestal or seeing him/her as a devil. Also, look deeply into situations such as arguments in particular e.g. Was your partner really annoyed with you, or was he/she just trying to expel and unload stress? Was your partner really seeking to hurt your feelings, or were they just trying to protect themselves and their fragile self-esteem? 

I think I had this splitting mechanism active at times when idealised partners or when I saw my parents and Vanja & his father as pure evil (I still struggle to see enough “good” in my parents, but I think I should one day to make my life easier). I also think the person X and my mother saw me in the worst and best lights at times. Interesting. I hope they and I change to the best.  

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Idealization and devaluation

"When an individual is unable to integrate difficult feelings, specific defenses are mobilized to overcome what the individual perceives as an unbearable situation. The defense that helps in this process is called splitting. Splitting is the tendency to view events or people as either all bad or all good. When viewing people as totally good, the individual is said to be using the defense mechanism called idealization: a mental mechanism in which the person attributes exaggeratedly positive qualities to the self or others. When viewing people as totally bad, the individual employs devaluation: attributing exaggeratedly negative qualities to the self or others. In child development, idealization and devaluation are quite normal. During the childhood development stage, individuals become capable of perceiving others as complex structures, containing both good and bad components. If the development stage is interrupted (by early childhood trauma, for example), these defense mechanisms may persist into adulthood."

“Stolen” from Wikipedia.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

My insecurity #2:  Fear of hurting others, and obsession to please people I love

I overthink many of my actions, question myself over and over, edit my words carefully, if given time. It is hard to be myself, especially with people I am in relationship with, when I am constantly worried about how they will perceive what I do or say. In good phases of any relationship, I am frequently afraid of hurting feelings of my beloved, and that fear makes me sometimes hide the truth or even lie, tolerate the behaviour I did not like, apologize a lot, dishonour another human being by simply disappearing and not answering calls/emails (how undignifying it is), and so on. When I expressed something, and it did not align with what my partner wanted to hear or do, I could just suppress my desires or stop voicing my opinion rather than seeing him in discomfort. I have had two beliefs for a long time: “you cannot hurt the beloved ones, even unintentionally” and “when you get hurt by someone you love, you get deeply wounded”. I also found a theory that the fear of hurting others may stem from the fear of being hurt, i.e. if you hurt others, they may stop liking you, become displeased with you. I think it’s true about me in, but sometimes – I am just being considerate. Nonetheless, this fear of hurting and being hurt poisoned all my relationships: I hesitated to tell the truth, I spoiled others, or one day would be unable to tolerate something I secretly disliked and another person would be shocked by how much negative feelings got accumulated in me – the list can go on and on.

It is rare when someone has intentions to hurt others, especially the closest ones - I strongly believe in this.  Also, I think I just need to realize that I am not responsible for all other people’s feelings and their lives, if they are adult human beings. If our desires do not align, I just need to show compassion, kindness and sensitivity, but not to put others above myself. There is nothing cruel in treating yourself as others you care about. Therefore, I need to speak up about what I want and what I dislike, in a respectful and gentle way. Additionally, I should not overreact and be defensive, when someone politely says what troubles him/her about me. This way, I can find a harmony in the right relationship quicker.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Gaslighting: part 2

I looked back at my previous relationships, and decided to look for the looming red flags in my own heart – am I or was I a psycho? I maybe manipulated others without taking a conscious decision to do so. For example, if I was guilty of something, I allowed my sad emotions to overflow and torture me, and an observing me partner would decide to stop talking about the issue, leaving it unsolved. I doubt that it counts as manipulation, but it affected others and I was forgiven a lot. I regret about being a puppet to my emotions, I am ready to change, focus on finding solutions to problems, stick to agreed solutions, and tolerate my emotions, if needed. I paid a high price for my previous way of living. I focused more on my suffering rather than about how my mistakes affect others, their future.

I also regret about times I told lies, even evident ones, or found the explanations for my bad behaviour. I was so terrified of losing the person, maybe also being the one to blame. I am very ashamed of this, and when I was explaining myself, I believed in my innocence with my whole heart. So oblivious was I. When I saw this flaw in myself a few months ago, I started my transition to honest me, trying to analyse: “was I honest in this instance or not?”. It is so hard to tell and takes so much practice to learn who you are, what you are about, to see your wrongdoings. I guess I believed so much in me being good, having good intentions, but even good people can do bad things and must pay for the mistakes instead of looking for explanations. I do not want to be an egoist anymore and live in a denial of that.

I think I did not put myself enough in shoes of others. I tried to give my beloved as much as I could, please, spend lots of time together. I thought about feelings of people I loved more than about mine at good times and more about mine at bad times. If I only spent the equal amount of time thinking about how my actions affect them during those bad times, spoke with them how they feel, what they want, be committed to my promises no matter how hard they were for me to keep, my relationships could flourish.

Was I withholding the truth from the partner? Yes. Did I countered the partner’s information to fit my perspective? Yes, I believed in my explanations of why I did mistakes. My actions did not match my words, since I felt no control over them, but I see now that I could take this control easily if I made my mind to do so. I think my partners felt not “good enough” for me, misunderstood, were afraid of “speaking up”, were joyless, felt detached from me.

Yet, I never insulted them, never made them afraid of me, did not trivialized their worth, wanted to understand them instead of labelling them insane, apologized, did not blame for broken relationship, also felt detached and a worthless piece of shit. I am quite certain in this. I am glad I have not become a pure evil. Yet, I saw that evil light in two people I loved and cannot get my head around it, find explanation to this behaviour.

I had one relationship in which I think I was a gaslighter, one relationship in which I was gaslighted, and one – we were both gaslighters. I was abusing, I was abused. Before I did not understand my actions, my thoughts, hurted and suffered from being hurt, did not know how I can improve and thought the life is not worth to live, but now I see more and more clearly why my relationships fell apart. I do not feel hurted much now – I am full of regret, I would love to ensure happiness of people I loved so dearly, but hurted, but I can’t - so I should move on and become a better person who won’t repeat the same mistakes. Despite I have a fear of loneliness, I am happy I am alone now. I can reflect on my life and stop this madness, become a better self.

I won’t discuss the mistakes of my partners who hurted me. I see and understand them more. I hope they will regret about their actions and change to the best, allow the good in them to florish. I can tell about my wrongdoings to you, two souls I care most about here and whose good attitude I am afraid to lose.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Gaslighting: part 1

Gaslighting is psychological manipulation which sow seeds of doubt in a target person, typically a partner, making the partner question his/her memory, perception, and sanity. There are 3 stages to gaslighting in a relationship: idealisation, devaluation, and discard. In the idealisation stage the victim is whisked off their feet as the gaslighter projects an image of themselves as the perfect mate and you as a wonderful being.  The devaluation stage: the victim goes from being adored to being incapable of doing anything right, but having tasted the ideal s/he is desperate to put things right. Then comes the discard stage where the victim is dropped, feeling broken, insane and unworthy of happiness.

There are many ways which the abuser employs to discreetly emotionally hurt the victim in hostile, abusive, or coercise (e.g. using threats) ways:

·         Withholding information from the victim. The abuser may hide/cover up the wrong things s/he has done. Instead of being ashamed, the abuser convinces the victim to doubt the facts of these wrongdoings or the abuser makes the victim think that s/he made the abuser to do this.

·         Countering or discounting the victim’s information to fit the abuser’s perspective, i.e. so that the abuser won’t be put in a bad light.

·         Verbal abuse, even in the form of jokes/indirect insults.

·         Trivializing the victim’s worth. The abuser may tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits.

·         The abuser feels the need to change smth about the victim, typically smth trivial. If the victim does not comply, the abuser may convince the victim that s/he is not good enough.

·         The abuser wants to control the victim, by threats, insults, lies, or even compliments or saying how miserable they are – whatever works.

·         The abuser tells evident lies. For example, the abuser denies s/he said something, even though you have proof. Alternatively, s/he can say: “you misunderstood me”, instead of thinking about this and admitting their fault. You rarely hear the abuser’s apologies or see him/her being ashamed and sad because of their lies.

·         They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

·         The abuser’s actions don’t match his/her words.

·         The abuser uses positive reinforcement to confuse you. The abuser can devalue you, but occasionally praise you for something, so you start thinking: “well, s/he is not bad”.

·         The abuser does not want to understand you, but rather prefers to think and tell others that you are crazy.

·         The abuser likes to shame the victim to undermine the victim’s confidence in his/her worth relative to the abuser.

Some people think that predominant majority of people use gaslighting unintentionally and a portion of people use it as a defence mechanism while being semi-conscious about their wrongdoing.

[i-am-the-experimenter]

My insecurity #1: Afraid to be unable to lead happy life without close relationship

The fear of loneliness is quite common, especially among women. Many of its victims are introverts. Some people suggest that this fear may stem from the experience of being abandoned, not needed or abused by parents in young age, but no research is done to prove this. For me, the main facet involves a fear of being alone emotionally, especially in my older years, and the secondary one is feeling lonely, bored with life, and unsafe. I miss caring and being cared for by someone I love. The cause of this fear may be not only my desire to have a relationship, but also in not knowing how to be complete, happy and fulfilled on my own.

This fear dictated my life choices in the past: I stuck to people who were not that nice to me, left one person who I thought I cannot get emotional connection anymore, jumped from relationship to relationship – so powerful this fear is. I got uncontrollable and irrational thoughts of being abandoned physically and/or emotionally, I had it all: clingy behaviour with loved ones and being overly concerned about pleasing others. Too much dependence on others for happiness undermined my confidence with them and led to fear of being ignored. This fear has had such a detrimental role on my life, and I want to get rid of it. 

If to challenge my unhelpful thought patterns, there is a chance I will learn to be happy by myself and/or have a happy close relationship. Up to that moment, I am going to acquire techniques how to control my anxiety, boost my self-esteem, acquire achievements in various fields. Doing things alone which I tend to avoid due to fear of loneliness will maybe help as well e.g. travelling alone. I also try to get new friends to spend time this. It is a difficulty, since now I will be working 7 days per week for who knows how long (maybe years?), and I have never tried actively to strike up friendship– but not an impossible task.

Another great thing I should try is to seek the validation I need, love, confidence, strength, and support internally, within myself. This is something that can never be taken away from me. Recognizing that I can acknowledge, identify, plan, and execute scenarios that create the sense of safety I desire may deepen self-trust, strengthen my “I can handle it!” muscle, promote a sense of being in control - and maybe one day I will discover I love being alone. Finally, I should define myself in a way that does not depend upon what others think. For example, “my main goals are to seek happiness for myself and others; treat others kindly, honestly, and assertively; be a person of integrity”. Self-validation is better than feeling that my happiness in control of others.

Hopefully, one day I will be happy by myself and, hopefully, in a relationship with someone who treats me nicely and I would not have that clingy behaviour.

I found a useful information here: https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/loneliness/loneliness-and-fear-of-rejection

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Life with "psychopath"

My insecurities (below), which got fully unraveled lately: 

* Afraid to be unable to lead happy life without close relationship 

* Low self-esteem 

* Fear of being guilty 

* Fear of being screamed at, cursed, beaten up or killed by people who despise/d me 

* Fear of not being needed by anyone I like, not being interesting and valuable for them 

* Fear of failing to understand how to be happy 

* Afraid that my potential children will repeat my mistakes and be unhappy with their lives 

* Fear that I will be the only one to blame 

* Afraid of health and mental problems 

* Being unable to have healthy relationship 

* Thinking that I always turn people into monsters or ruin their lives another way 

* Afraid that I am maybe a bad person who has not enough empathy, understanding, patience, etc. 

* Not sure how to be less sensitive and have healthy boundaries 

* Feeling that I'm cursed and will never be happy again 

* Afraid that I'm not as a good person as others 

* Afraid I'd never forgive myself for hurting others and losing my chances to be happy

[i-am-the-experimenter]

Last weekend, I read “What to say when you talk to yourself” written by Shad Helmstetter. In this book, he explains that the way we or others “program” our minds to work determines our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world we live in. This, in turn, determines our attitudes. Attitudes – they determine our feelings and the latter affect our behaviour. There are so many motivational books and “keys to success”, but it is not often when such books change the person completely and forever to the best. So, what this author suggest is to “filter” negative thoughts AND substitute them with positive ones. Some negative thoughts are easy to spot: “nothing ever goes right for me”, “today is not my day”, “sometimes I just hate myself” – all this useless destructive criticism. Another type of negative self-talk can be hidden in such sentences: “I need to become a better person” (I am a bad person), “I should stop drinking” (I am a hopeless drinker). If you just ignore all these bad thoughts, it won’t help, since you don’t solve the problem. You need to try to be your best friend occasionally and support yourself, find reasons to disapprove these wrong concepts. Even if you agree with your negative thoughts about yourself – is it useful? When you think badly about yourself, you act accordingly since you program your subconsciousness to believe in this.  

I have tried to find substitutes for my negative thoughts (see the picture attached). I have not finished the book though, and maybe I got my positive substitutes wrong – not sure, but I like them. They kinda support me.